Lilith's Story

[kittycats_delight]

Hi everyone.

I know I haven't posted since we lost out baby. It has been hard. I thank you all for the support and caring you have shown us. I especially thank all of you amazing people who continue to check in on us through PM, IM and email. You all know who you are. You all hold a very special place in our hearts for all the caring support and compassion you have shown us. We love you.

I don't know how you will all feel once I tell what happened but here goes. Just know I love my little girl and I did what was best or so I felt. I still question it every single day and wonder if I should have done something different.

You all know the basics of the story. But I will give a short version that covers all. She was and will always be my baby.

My sweet little girl got a rabies shot and microchipped on August 31, 2005. Less than 2 days later she started having problems breathing. The vets could not nail down what was wrong. At first they thought it was a reaction to the shot then they thought possisble heart failure but decided no it was more than likely asthma.

Well after almost 1 week it had not improved and she went in for an x-ray. Her chest cavity was full of fluid. She had a tumor caused from feline leukemia. We didn't know she was ill at all. The shot had caused her immune system to drop allowing the leukemia to take over and start showing symptoms. She was having severe trouble breathing and would gag and start to go into respiratory arrest when handled by the vet.

We could do 3 things. Tap her chest, bring her home or euthenize. If we tapped her chest there was a very high risk (over 90%, almost definate) of respiratory failure and she would die on the table. She would be alone, in pain and scared out of her mind. If we brought her home she would not get any better. It was only the matter of a short time and we would lose her and also she would suffer. If we euthenized we lost our little girl but she would go with us holding her, comforting her and without prolonged suffering.

We choose the latter. I question myself everyday if I did the right thing. I miss her so much. This is still very raw and it is very difficult to deal with. She was just a baby only 18 months old. R.I.P. my angel. Momma loves you more than you can ever imagine.

I'm sooooo sorry Lilith.

Thank you for listening.

(((HUGS)))


Michelle

[doolittleky]

Oh Michelle,
I wish I could give you a big hug! You did what was best for Lilith because you loved her. It is a hard decision to make but you did it unselfishly and only thought of her. You shouldn't try to second guess yourself, although I have done it myself. it is so hard to lose one of your babies. I have lost many and it never gets easier. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. i know how much your heart hurts and mine hurts for you. Please know that I am thinking about you. Take care.
melissa

[slick]

Michelle....I believe you made the right decision and I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes. The prognosis was not great so how could you question your decision? Easier said than done, I know, but take comfort in knowing that little Lilith is happy and healthy and will endure no more pain or sickness. Remember the love that you shared for 18 wonderful months.

{{{hugs}}}

[CagneyDog]

You made the right decision. I'm very sorry for your loss

RIP

[PJ's Mom]

Anyone who has to euthanize a pet goes through the feelings of guilt you're having. It's normal, but not easy. You did what you thought was best for your baby girl. Try to take comfort in the fact that she knew a lifetime's worth of love in the short time she was with you.

(((Hugs)))

[lvpets2002]

I am sure you made the right decision & You need to think of Lilith of RIP at Rainbow Bridge your baby is at now.. I would like to state it just broke my heart when reading the dedication you husband wrote for her.. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[jazzcat]

Michelle,
I can understand what you are going through to some extent because I felt the same way about Disney. The options the doctor gave us were not the best so I chose the one that caused Disney less pain and ended her suffering. I still feel very guilty that I didn't try harder but deep down I know I did the right thing for her. You did the right thing for Lilith.

I've been thinking about you a lot, knowing how badly you are hurting. I don't believe the pain ever goes completely away but it does get easier, slowly.

(((HUGS)))

[manda_moo87]

Oh Michelle, its so good to hear from you. You've been constantly in my thoughts these past few days. I too, would have made the same decision as you. The hardest decision I've ever had to make was getting my baby Perkins PTS last year, so I can say I know how you feel. Stay strong, we're all here for you.

((((HUGS))))

Amanda

[catnapper]

Michelle, I am so sorry tohear that are still beating yourself up over the very difficult decision you and your husband had to make. You made the right choice and she entered the rainbow bridge while being comforted by those she loved most.

(((HUGS))) Michelle. I'm here if you need to talk.

[furrykidsmother]

Michelle, I know how you must have been torn by having to make one of the choices, but with the information you provided there really was no choice. You couldn't take the chance of something happening to her on the table all alone and scared, bringing her home and watching her suffer certainly was not a choice, you did the only thing you could do and you did it because you loved her so much. I know the pain in your hearts is very raw and fresh right now and it is hard to see things through that pain, but I hope one day you will be able to get past second guessing yourself and just remember the love the 3 of you shared in the 18 months you had her. "Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all". Lilith is still in your hearts and memories and no one can take that away from you.

(((Hugs)))
Amanda

[k9krazee]

I definately think you did the right thing. She left knowing that you loved her very much and you ended the suffering...I know how hard it must be :( ((((((((hugs)))))))))

[JenBKR]

What a difficult decision to make. I believe you made the best one. It is impossible to know what would have happened had you opted for surgery, but she would have been scared and alone. You made the most unselfish choice, and showed her how much you both love her. Don't question your decision anymore (I know, easier said than done). I am sure that Lilith knows how much she was loved. (((HUGS)))

[Lobodeb]

Losing a baby is pain enough by itself. It doesn't need to be compounded by feelings of guilt, too. You were given 3 very difficult options all with the same outcome. You took your own wants and desires out of the picture to do what was best for Lilith. How can there be any wrong in that? Yes, it hurts like the dickens that she's gone, but you just have to know you did the right thing.

Hugs to you, your husband and Vixen. Together you all will get through this.

[catlover4ever]

Michelle, you did what you felt was best, you did the most compassionate thing for Lilith. It is human nature to always second guess ones self. I think you did right by your precious girl.

(((hugs)))

[jenluckenbach]

Michelle, not only did you make the right choice, you made the ONLY choice (the only humane choice). And Lilith knows that.

I too have had to choose euthanasia, and I too questioned it for days, even weeks, even though I knew it to be the correct thing to do, I still doubted my decision.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

[Cataholic]

Oh, Michelle {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}. So many of us have gone there before you, and can speak from experience. To this day, I suffer from the guilt of putting Binx to sleep, and that was nearly 1.5 years ago. It is easier today, much, but, it still hurts.

What you are feeling is so **normal**, so hard to deal with, so heartwrenching, and, psychologically speaking, a way for you to remain 'connnected' to your baby girl. A part of our psyche doesn't want to let go, and wants to stay in that moment, as painful as it is, because it keeps us connnected to our loss. You did the right thing by Lilith. The hardest thing to do, but, the right thing. Physical life is so temporary, even more so for the animals that we love. Time is your only friend right now, and I can't tell you when it becomes easier- as it is different for each one of us- but, it will become easier.

Cry. Cry, and then cry some more. It is cleansing. Cry for Lilith's life being cut way too short, for your loss, for your heartache. But, know in your heart, as we know in ours, you gave Lilith the ultimate gift a human can give its companion- you let her pass to the RB without suffering, and with much love. We all should be so lucky when it is our time to go. :(

Johanna

[Craftlady]

It is so hard to loose our babies to this dreaded disease. The suffering is horrible if prolonged. You did the right thing and be comforted in knowing she is well and playing at the bridge.

[Shady]

One of the hardest things I've ever done was to make the decision you had to make for Lilith. I did know he was sick for 3 years, controlled, but I vowed at the first sign of any discomfort or pain that is what I would have to do, not for myself but for him. It's a terrible decision to have to make, something that stays with you for the rest of time.

For most of us, our furkids are our only kids...you cant do this for humans only your furkids, it's foreign to us to make the decision that takes them away. I think that's one reason we have such difficulty with that, among others of course.

Even though it was the right decision it doesnt *feel* right, but having said that, I feel it's good we can spare them the eventuality of the suffering.

Believe that Lilith knows that your decision was the best for her, and believe that her love for you both can never die.

Cherish the time you had with her and most importantly keep her memory locked in your heart. They will be with you always.

Remember where a beautiful soul has been, there is a trail of beautiful memories.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[popcornbird]

:( {{{{{hugs}}}}}

I can't imagine how very hard and painful this time is for you, but rest assured that you made the best and most humane decision for your baby girl. I know she is grateful for all the love and compassion you showed to her during her short life.

With every passing day, may your pain lessen, and gradually turn into fond memories that will shine into your heart and bring you happiness instead of tears. Crying helps the heart heal, so when you feel like crying, let those tears flow. The pain will lessen with the passing of time. I know it will. Hang in there and know that though the situation is very painful now, you made the right decision. May you find comfort in that too.

[sirrahbed]

Michelle - I had to make the decision to euthanize my RB Bert many years ago - we lost him to cancer which was a large tumor in his chest and making it difficult for him to breathe.

I remember the terrible re-thinking, what if?? maybe I should have?? how about this??? ....and those thoughts that are probably haunting you right now. It took a very long time - but now I have very peaceful memories and am definitely very glad that he did not have to suffer any longer. Struggling to breathe is terrifying. Dying with your loved one holding him is what I am glad Bert experienced. My memories now are of picking up Missy at school, bringing her over to the vet, and together holding and comforting Bert as he simply stopped breathing.

Right now you have so many emotions working - you have just lost your little girl. I wish there was a way to erase those guilty feeling right now but they just keep coming anyway. But it does get much easier and there will be a time when you will know you did the most loving thing for Lilith. It takes lots of time though but each day is a tiny bit better.

Maybe in a few days, weeks, even months ...you can write to us about some of your memories of Lilith. I did not have PetTalk when I lost Bert and would have loved to have someone to tell about him to...

I can't really pretend to understand what you are thinking and going through - but some of it must be similar to what I went through - and what many of us here have had to do.

I am so sorry that you are so sad right now:(

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Sweetheart, you did the only thing you could as you obviously loved your little girl too much to see her suffer.........true animal lovers (everyone on PT) can only admire you for being so brave and unselfish

[CalliesMom]

Michelle, you made one of the most unselfish decisions a pet owner cat make. I know the pain must be unbearable but Lillith is now free of pain. ((((HUGS)))) You are a wonderful person and she knew nothing but love when she was alive. What a lucky kitty she was!

[sandragonfly]

someone told me you came back and I had to check this thread - I am already sharing tears with you both..

I'm still so broken coming back here after what happened to your lilith. when your little angel (who meant so much to you means so much to me too) went gone, I didn't feel the pet talk or even my ark was the same as before. not at all. I couldn't come back for three days either. I came on just yesterday, hoping I find your threads/posts but nothing, and posted not more than 10 lately -- some goodness to stick around at least. I'm sorry if I was so heartbroken and couldn't know what to say & PM you but please know I thought, bleed about all of this for you four. I still couldn't believe it, how all of this happened so fast..

furrykidsmother just said it perfectly first, you had to do that, not this. please only allow yourself feeling guilty if you thought of yourself and tortured her, did you? you didn't, not a bit! we all know (especially lilith) you did more than you could do for her. you're questioning yourself because you never did wanted to let lilith go. not for a minute. I know what-ifs can be pain in the neck, but when a door is closed, there is another window open...you can't see it right now through the pure pain you're feeling right now, michelle.

in fact, I still have not seen a window open yet after I lost my boy kitty last year.. so please remember you're holding by me very close. and lilith is painfree, feeling bad you & guido couldn't hear her bell everytime she's running in her full speed, romping around with our rainbowfurriends in wildflowers up there,..oh how good does that sound? we all can't wait until we all meet again on a special day.

(((((MICHELLE))))), ((((GUIDO)))) & {{{{VIXEN}}}} ..we all love you always!!

..gina & the whole fuzzfaeries from ark

[Abby&Buddy'sMom]

Michelle, I am so very sorry to hear about your sweet, sweet baby. :( From what I saw here on PT, You loved her so very much. May she RIP at the Rainbow Bridge.

[Kfamr]

Michelle, if anyone judges you for what you have done they are heartless.

You have done what is best for Lilith. It's a very hard decision to make and you needed to make it to stop your angel's suffering. You have nothing to say sorry for, I am positive Lilith is a very grateful kitty for the time you shared and the unselfish decision of letting her go, free from pain.

{{HUGS}} to you and I hope these days become easier.

[dukedogsmom]

There's no need to question what you did. I probably would have done the same thing. I'm sure Lilith knew how much she was loved and understands. Losing a special furry friend is hard. I'm sorry you had to make the choice. I had to make that important choice when I was a teen and my parents were out of town. It's one you never forget but it's also an act of love because it's done for such non selfish reasons. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just take one day at a time and soon you will be able to remember the happy times without being sad. We're all here for you if you need us.

[catmandu]

THAT IS THE HARDEST THING,THAT A PET GUARDIAN,HAS TO FACE,WHEN YOU HAVE THE POWER,OF LIFE AND DEATH,OVER YOUR BELOVED FRIEND.
I HAVE,HAD TO MAKE THAT DECISION,A FEW TIMES,AND I STILL FEEL BADLY,OVER LOSING POUNCER,AND MR SCRAPPY,AND MR FLUFFY.
LILITH KNOWS THAT YOU MADE A DIFFICULT CHOICE,SHE LOVES YOU EVEN MORE,AND WILL SEE YOU AGAIN,ONE FINE DAY.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v621/catmandu/Mrscrappy2.jpg

[dab_20]

Michelle, you did that right thing. I know Lilith loved you so much! I have never lost a cat, but I lost a cocker 2 months ago. I am so sorry. :( Right now when I read this, it brings me to tears how god can take away someones baby so young in life. I followed your thread from the day you posted that you might have thought it was because of the rabies vacc. I am so sorry. I just wish i could give you a long hug. You did the most unselfish thing, and you should be proud of yourself for that. Any cat would be the most lucky cat for have an owner like you. ((((((HUGS)))))) PLEASE pm me or email me at [email protected] if you wanna talk about anything.

(((((more hugs))))) -Danielle and oreo

[kittycats_delight]

I have to once again say how amazing you people are. You always have the right words. You are always supportive and caring and at times like this it is appreciated more than you can imagine. You are some very fine people. And I am very thankful for finding PT and the wonderful people here. This would have been sooo much harder without you all. Thank you sooo much.


(((HUGS)))
Michelle

[DogLover9501]

Michelle,
I've read this thread a few times, and am finally responding.

I mostly just want to echo what everyone has said, you did the right thing for Lilith, and you knew what would be best for her and she's pain-free now.

I am sorry that I haven't PMd, I have thought about it. I'm not good with words, at all, and am always afraid they will not come out the way I want them to.

I have been thinking about you and Guido everyday. I hope that you can realize that you both made the right decision for Lilith by letting her go without any suffering.

I am very glad to see you posting a little bit. I know you won't be around as much as usual for a bit, and I understand, but PT definatly is not the same without you, and your kind posts.

(((Hugs)))

[prechrswife]

I don't know what I can say that someone else hasn't said already. We are here to listen. (((((((Hugs)))))))

[G535]

You put Lilith first and that was definitely the right thing to do.

[luvofallhorses]

Michelle,

You made the right decision. http://bestsmileys.com/hugging/4.gif Please don't feel guilty, Lilith will be with you ALWAYS.

[NoahsMommy]

Michelle,

I'm so sorry I didn't see this till just now. :(

I believe in every part of my heart that you did the kindest thing you could have done. You put sweet Lilith's needs well before your own and you should never, ever feel badly for doing that.

Working at a vet, you see a lot of animals being put through hell because they're owners are unable to do that.

That kindness is the best kind there is....and I respect you so highly for that. All of us can see how much you love your girls. It had to have shattered your sweet heart to lose her, but you still, despite what it did to you, kept her first. That is the greatest gift, you could have ever, ever given her.

Like the others have said, she'll always be with you...and PT. She's special and I know she'll always look over you.

Lots of ((((((Hugs)))))

Love,
Kelly :)

[krazyaboutkatz]

Michelle, you did the right thing and you proved your love for Lilith by doing what was best for her. I've been in your situation before and questioning yourself afterwards is a normal response. You'll always miss her but in time it will become easier to talk about her and remember her without crying or tearing up. She had a wonderful life with you and she knew she was loved. Please take care. ((((HUGS))))

[orangemm]

Michelle, never feel guilty that you did the wrong thing. Far from it, you alleviated your baby's suffering and she went to a far better place at the RB. It's very hard to let go, but given the choices you had, you definitely made the best one for her.

We all know it hurts and hurts badly. I'm glad you posted here because all the wonderful people of PT are here to rally around you and Guido and try to ease the pain a little.

It will take time, but don't beat yourself up about this; you did what we all would have done, no matter how much it hurts.

Hugs and love to you both...........

[rosethecopycat]

Michelle I can see how much you love Lilith.

Your doubts are part of the grieving process. We all want to renegotiate. I've seen it in many great parents, and it has happened to me.

No need to second guess, what you did for Lilith was The Final Act of Love.

May you pain be eased.

[Barbara]

Michelle, up to now I never had to take that decision but the day will come.

When a really big health problem arises I have seen many people here facing that choice. Some have decided to take the risk of major surgery- which has helped to give the furkid some good time. In other cases, the surgery didn't work anymore and the cat never woke up again. In these cases, people usually are so sorry they could not say goodbye.

I think our furkids are ready to go in every moment-they don't want to leave YOU alone but they are not planning for the next year. So I suppose I only would take the risk of surgery if the outcome was likely to be good and also persistent. For Lilith it wouldn't have been like that. And so I think it was much better for her that she was not scared, not alone but in your arms when she went.

I am so sorry that in addition to losing Lilith you have all that trouble with the move. I hope when you are in Italy things will get better.

Ciao, ci vediamo in Italia ;)

[Soapets]

I'm just now reading about all this, and I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're experiencing. I agree with what everyone else on here has said---you did the most loving and unselfish thing you could do, and it was what was best for Lilith. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers..........

Deb

[momcat]

Michelle,
Your vet gave you options all with the same outcome. You have no reason to feel guilty, this was a painful decision. Because of you, Lilith knew nothing but love and caring in her short lifetime. Letting your baby go was the right thing to do. Sparing her all that pain and an uncertain future was your ultimate gift of love. Sweet Lilith will always live in your heart.....

[vinjashira]

I am sorry for your loss Michelle :(

RIP Lilith!