Lobodeb
07-19-2005, 01:58 PM
Cat Resolutions:
I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper
in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has
temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum
when she sits back down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes
his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my
private parts to compare odors. My female human might
find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it,
especially in front of company.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is
sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall
in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.
(It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the
glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.
(It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and
see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top
of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can
admire my "kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws
extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he
wakes up all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of
the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans'
bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my
tail fluffed up will not make my "stuff" grow back.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the
couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing
again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper
in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has
temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum
when she sits back down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes
his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my
private parts to compare odors. My female human might
find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it,
especially in front of company.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is
sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall
in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.
(It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the
glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.
(It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and
see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top
of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can
admire my "kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws
extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he
wakes up all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of
the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans'
bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my
tail fluffed up will not make my "stuff" grow back.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the
couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing
again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.