Is This Appropriate?

[Sevens]

I have an etiquette question, mainly cause I haven't had to deal much with death or funerals.

Recently a business associate lost her daughter. The child was young (was going to begin elementary school soon) and had a twin sibling.

We have all shown our support for this lady and her family. We all feel bad for her and want to help her in her time of grief.

However, there is something going on with her that I feel weird about and I am just wondering if I am just a bad person for questioning it or if it's customary for funerals or what.

After the child died, they set up a trust fund for her surviving twin for the twin's education. They asked that if anyone wanted to donate money that they put it in this trust fund.

I've heard of trust funds being done before. However, it makes more sense to me if a parent died and the child was without a means of support or something like that. In this case, both parents are alive, making huge salaries, and living in a nice house in an expensive suburb. I guess I could also see it if the child who died had a lingering illness and it drained them financially. However, it was very sudden/unexpected and that family is well covered by health insurance.

Anyway, I'd appreciate hearing your opinions on the topic. Thanks!

[caseysmom]

If your not comfortable don't donate. Someone may have set it up on their behalf and maybe they weren't behind it. When someone dies everyone wants to send flowers and it sort of a trend to put that money into a donation of some kind.

When my mother died of heart failure we said "donations may be made to the american heart association in so and so's honor"

[Ginger's Mom]

Well, what people generally do now is ask that in lieu of flowers donations be made to certain charities in memory of the deceased. So that something more lasting can come of the donations or support that others want to give. In this case, instead of flowers or donations to a charity they are setting up a trust for the remaining twin (that way it also assures people that they are not using the money for something more fleeting or frivolous).

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

I agree with Ginger that this doesn't seem uncommon. Just about every funeral I've ever attended has had some charity or other that they ask you to donate to instead of buying flowers. Just so happens in this case the "charity" is the surviving twin. They're not necessarily "asking" for donations but instead re-directing the money for those who already wish to donate something.

[catnapper]

Not uncommon at all. Last Christmas my husband's coworker lost her daughter suddenly as well. She was a bit older (about 12) and the family asked donations to be sent to a special fund as well. When my grandmom died, we requested money be donated to the hospice that helped in lieu of flowers.

[Sevens]

Hmm, I can definitely understand the points everyone has made.

I guess the way I am looking at it sort of differs. Whenever in the past someone has died that I knew, the donations were always directed to charities like hospices or the American Heart Association, Multiple Sclerosis Society, etc. etc. which use the money to aid those afflicted with the disease or research to end the disease. I've also seen donations to help universities or churches or school programs. Something that benefits people as a whole.

I guess in this case, I feel like the money is not going to a charity. I just feel like the money is going to directly benefit the family. More money placed into the trust now means that later they won't have to pay as much for his college. They can well afford to send him to college already.

I guess it's just how I was raised. Charity to me has always meant helping the poor, the sick, the homeless, etc. Not paying for some kid to go to college whose parents can well afford to send him.

[lizbud]

I think the request is uncommon, but not necessarily
inapproprite considering the funds would be used for a twin.
Maybe they have hope the child will be a Doctor or something.
Do you know how the child died?

[Sevens]

Complications of pneumonia I think.

[Karen]

They may have been approached by people saying "What can we do?" and set up the fund as an answer. As you think it was complications from pneumonia, there's no "main chairty" that springs to mind.

It is also possible that the fund is set up to be untouchable by anyone but the surviving twin, and they know their own financial situation and tendancies and feel it is best that way. Don't make assumptions of financial well-being just because of salaries and such, many people find it easy, whatever their wage bracket, to live beyond their means.

[Fox-Gal]

I know when my mother passed there was two funds set up for her. One was the *** ***** Hand Bell players for the church and then a *** ***** collage scholarship fund for young golfers. That still after 20 some years is still going strong, every year I get my info on the student's picked.
(***'s notes my mother name, I felt it was better that no one realizes who she was)

So I can see a fund for collage, but I can see you thinking to it too. In my mothers case is was to benefit those that would not have the opportunity to go to collage without some help. This is a different kind of request then most you hear of. But like Karen said the circumstance might be more then what the outside appearances look like and this is something they truly need help with.

[carole]

It is very common in NZ for people to donate money to charity's or good causes rather than spend money on flowers, usually the family make the request as that is what the person who died would have wanted, a trust fund for the remaining twin is not the norm here, but however I see nothing wrong with it, better to help the living IMO, so go with your feelings.

P.S maybe there is something you do not know, just a thought, maybe the remaining twin has health issues, or something along those lines, I still think it is better to put money into the trust fund if that is what the family want , than to waste it on flowers they donot want,JMHO.