Am I evil?

[catnapper]

Well, sonny boy is having his prom Sunday. Monday night he remembered he never ordered his tux, so we ran over to the tux rental place and rodered one. There ws nearly a blowup in the store because hubby and I wanted him to get one color, he wanted another. Long story, short, we just bended to him. Well, today the girls pounced on hubby when he came home from school --- they both said that their brother NEEDS to be in the black tux with the yellow vest and tie that matched his GFs dress (BTW, the vest was GORGEOUS pale yellow with black threads and the tie a beautiful soft shade the EXACT shade as her dress)

Now, hubby agreed with us saying he'll look stupid in the color he wanted and told me to call the tux place and CHANGE the order to what everyone wanted (except of course the boy who is wearing it does NOT want that color vest and tie). I feel rather bad for him, for the fact that he will not be wearing what he wanted, but glad that hell be looking smashing in the color we ALL think he should be wearing.

Now I feel evil for doing this. My son doesn't know what we did, and will NOT know until we pick the tux up Saturday night. Hubby feels that our son doesn't really deserve a right to say what color anyhow, because he's not the one paying for it (Thats right, my 18 year old son had US pay for his tickets and tux... which is a whole other issue altogether.)

Only, now I really DO feel bad that we took away his chance at expressing himself and such... no his choice wasn't ugly or garish, just not something we felt he should have been wearing. Perhaps if he paid for it himself we would have let it go, but HIS prom is not cheap for US (over $100 tux rental, plus another $75 for the tickets) and we feel we have the say here. Are we wrong? Are we evil?

[PJ's Mom]

I think you're wrong. (not evil. ;) ) Let me tell you why...

We bought my daughters dress and ticket for the prom last year. She didn't have a date and wanted to go with her friend. I don't know the story with your son, but we didn't have a problem paying for anything and she helped out by finding a really cute, and really cheap dress. Since we paid for hers, we'll pay for the others to go to the prom, too. However, they want to go during their junior and senior years and that's something we will NOT pay for. They pay for anything other than their senior year.

I will let them all pick their own prom clothes, and as long as it's appropriate, I will exercise complete silence in the matter. The way I see it, they have to wear it, I don't. :p

Even if she had been working (she is now, but wasn't then) and if the rest are working by then, I will still offer to pay for them to go. It's a once in a lifetime event and I wouldn't want them to miss out because they couldn't afford to go.


Please don't be mad at me. :eek:

[catnapper]

This is his senior prom. He does not work, he does NOTHING around the house - might be different if he could at least take out the trash. He HAD a job and was fired because he never showed up. Its very frustrating because he always needs money and is always getting it handed to him, while his sisters work. Not fair.

I guess I should have mentioned how he ALWAYS expects us to pay for everything, and this was the line he crossed.

[caseysmom]

I would ideally (you know what we say and what we don't always match) anyway in my perfect world I would make him work off the tux and tickets but let him wear what he wants.

Just hope you don't have a really upset kid on your hands this weekend, I am not saying that he has a right to be but as you know that doesn't always matter.

[barclaysmom]

Hello. I just wanted to try to help you out a little. I'm 17 and my senior prom is next year. I absolutely can not wait. Your frustrations are understandable. Senior prom is a big deal. If my mom changed my prom dress without talking to me about it, I know I would be very upset. In my own OPINION, it is his senior prom and he wants to get something he likes and something he is going to feel comfortable in. Surprising him on Saturday night is probably not the best thing you could do, maybe you could talk to him share your frustrations with him and see how he feels about it. I'm only giving you my personal opinion, not meant offensively at all. I just wanted to help.

[Kfamr]

Coming from a 17 year old (who couldn't care less about prom or any other school function) while I wouldn't necessarily think of it as evil, I wouldn't call it right. It's kind of a 50/50 thing. You and your husband worked hard for the money to buy something you like. However, it's HIS night, his attire, and he's the one who has to wear it, not you or hubby. I can understand where you're coming from but if he has his heart set on a certain color (as long as it isn't more expensive than the one you chose) then he should get it.

[catnapper]

Thanks guys... I appreciate this. You have no idea how frustrated we are with him. Tonight is a major awards baquet and he's getiing an award. We are fighting him RIGHT now with clothes over it. He'll be ok with the yellow once the initial shock wears off, and once he sees its not YELLOW. I think he thinks we're making him wear a yellow tux or something.:rolleyes:

[wolfsoul]

I can't really judge your situation because I don't know your son, but my prom is coming up in a couple of weeks, and I know that if my mom switched my dress on me, I would FREAK out. Then again, I think a dress is more important than a tux. :p I think that doing it behind his back wasn't the best way to do it -- I think that saying "This tux, or we're not paying for it" would be better. After all, when he finds out it was switched, it will be at the last minute and he'll have no time to take it all in. If I had found out my dress was different the very day before my grad, I would probably refuse to go just out of spite. So I don't think that having him wear another tux is wrong -- it's the way you went about it. I would have a talk with him. :)

[RobiLee]

My first thought is you are wrong to have done this. I feel bad for him since he is thinking he ordered one thing and getting something else. That is extremly sneaky. Where is the honesty? Why didn't your son and his date talk about colors before he ordered the tux in the first place? I think that should have been done first.

I know you are frustrated that you are paying all the bills for your son,but when you agreed to pay for the tux did you let him know that you would be picking out which one he wore? If that was the way you and your husband felt then that point should have been made very clear before you purchased the tux. I also wonder why you and hubby have to control what he wears.

Are you evil? Heck, NO! You are a parent! The hardest thing to be. Hang in there and good luck!

[catnapper]

Thanks... hubby's wearing a yellow shirt and tie to tonight's awards banquet. To show our son how nice yellow can look. He'll tell our son tonight. And will pretty much put it to him that his choice is either wear the yellow tie and vest or not have a tux. I really have to say I am surrised hubby's being this firm this time. You have no idea what its like living with a moody moocher who expects us to bend at his every whim. He chose the wrong fight this time.

As for gf... SHE told HIM she wanted yellow.

[PJ's Mom]

I know you are frustrated that you are paying all the bills for your son,but when you agreed to pay for the tux did you let him know that you would be picking out which one he wore?

That was my question! :p

Good luck. :)

[catnapper]

Originally posted by RobiLee
I know you are frustrated that you are paying all the bills for your son,but when you agreed to pay for the tux did you let him know that you would be picking out which one he wore?
Yes, we did. He figured he'd make a scene in the store and we'd back down. Which we did. I was so peeved he did that, as was hubby but it didn't dawn on him to change it until tonight.

[PJ's Mom]

Originally posted by catnapper
Yes, we did. He figured he'd make a scene in the store and we'd back down. Which we did. I was so peeved he did that, as was hubby but it didn't dawn on him to change it until tonight.

Oooh! There's some info that we didn't know. Isn't he a little old to have temper tantrums? :( I think I might've done the same as you did it that situation. .

[carole]

Kim I personally would not have changed it without telling him, I think I would have said well it is that or nothing mate, we are paying for it, however he really should have some choice I think in the matter, however I still understand where you are coming from on this matter.

I think it would have been better to set the ground rules from the beginning, by stating because you the one's paying for it, you will have some say in it, and compromise from there, my daughter will have her first end of year social , it is not quite as elaborate as a ball, but she already knows we will go dress hunting together and that I will have some say in it, however I would never want her to wear something I liked and she felt uncomfortable in.

I just hope there are no fireworks on the night, good luck with it all.

[lizbud]

Originally posted by catnapper
Thanks guys... I appreciate this. You have no idea how frustrated we are with him. Tonight is a major awards baquet and he's getiing an award. We are fighting him RIGHT now with clothes over it. He'll be ok with the yellow once the initial shock wears off, and once he sees its not YELLOW. I think he thinks we're making him wear a yellow tux or something.:rolleyes:



What kind of award is your son getting ?

[christa]

My opinion . . . it should be up to the GF!!! :D

Since she wants YELLOW, I'm glad you all have been firm about it!

18 year old boys . . . :rolleyes: . . . they never grow up!

[anna_66]

I read this earlier but didn't reply. I keep thinking about it and how I would handle it (I'm not a mom...never have been and I didn't go to prom).
You say now it's your way or the highway, I understand that now knowing that you told him from the beginning it would be that way.
But honestly it's his night and should be able to wear what he wants to if your paying or not (obviously he's not MAKING you pay for it). I guess I don't see really see why you guys are so dead set against what he wanted to wear.

And not your not evil, just a little sneaky;)

[Jods]

I do think it was wrong to phone and change it without him knowing. You let him think he was getting what he wanted when he left the store if you really wanted the other suit you should have told him it was your choice since you were paying for it. (but I don't think it should be) Its HIS prom and he should be able to choose whatever he wants to wear its not anyones choice but his. Would you do this to your daughter and a dress she chose that you thought wasn't great?? I doubt it. Good luck and I hope you can call back and change the order again.

[catnapper]

LOL... wow, all these opinions and advice! :D

I guess you have to know my son. We have ALWAYS had fights regarding getting dressed up. Tonight, he's wearing a blue short sleeved dress shirt, black slacks, a purple tie with some cartoon figures of old ladies, brown dock shoes, no belt and no jacket. We just let him go. HE'S the one that has to stand on stage and accept his award, not us. My youngest daughter is also getting an award and she is wearing a lovely black dress and my dress heels. She even put on a pair of nylons for the evening (something she'd rather die than do... and she asked me for the nylons, I never suggested them to her)

However, his prom is different. Its not just him, it is him and his GF of two years. Its HER night too. She has said what she wanted and she is hoping we make it happen.

My oldest daughter is also going to this prom. Her dress is lovely. We normally fight big-time over clothes, but buying this dress was a snap. When it comes to dressing up and going out, she's always been great. Also, since we bought her dress, there's no way in the world we would have bought something we didn't approve of. No way. We would have searched til our feet were blistered if it took that long to find a dress we both liked. (BTW, she buys all her own jeans and school clothes... hence the fights we normally have since we feels she dresses too provatively... another thread all together :D)

Her prom date was over tonight and he's my son's best friend. HE'S the one that convinced us to call and change the order. He's friends with son's date too and he said she's really counting on him dressing appropriately for once (and counting on him shaving his chin stubble... we'll see about that one :rolleyes: )

hmmmm..... did I miss anything? I hope I explained everything completely.

[dukedogsmom]

We must see their pic. I didn't know what I'd do so I said nothing.

[popcornbird]

First.......

What color did your son want to wear?

I'll voice my opinion when I know the answer to that. :D

[catnapper]

Sigh... he wanted to wear the Mickey Mouse black white and red vest & matching bow tie. It'd be cute if she wore black... like she did last year. We'd have no problem. But since she expressly asked for him to wear yellow we had a problem with it. I was willing to compromise and let him go with maybe a patterned tie that at least had SOME yellow in it (maybe tweetie bird???) :D

[lbaker]

His prom was NOT a surprize. He knew it was coming up and if he was firm about what he wanted he should have made arrangements himself. My own step-grandsons just think because they can walk all over their mother they can walk all over me. NOT! It's my house. Neither you nor your husband are "evil", I think you are making him finally face the real world. "you get what you pay for" and he hasn't paid worth squat. (I'm going through the same thing :rolleyes: )

[popcornbird]

Originally posted by catnapper
Sigh... he wanted to wear the Mickey Mouse black white and red vest & matching bow tie. It'd be cute if she wore black... like she did last year. We'd have no problem. But since she expressly asked for him to wear yellow we had a problem with it. I was willing to compromise and let him go with maybe a patterned tie that at least had SOME yellow in it (maybe tweetie bird???) :D

Okay...now I can voice my opinion....tee hee hee!

You know...personally, I feel parents shouldn't allow their kids to wear inappropriate/overly-exposing clothes, but when it comes to color, it should be a personal choice. Why? Because every individual KNOWS what color suits their complexion....what color they look good in....what color they feel good in.

I know there are some colors that look stunning on some people, and clothes in those colors look gorgeous, but....let's say someone told me to wear an orange dress. I wear orange at home...rarely...and just to sleep or workout, but I *KNOW* I look awful in orange. Okay, maybe not 'awful', but I look much better in other colors. Maybe he feels yellow won't look good on HIM. If he feels that way, I feel for him, because if there's a color I feel won't look good on me.......I would feel horrible the whole time I'm wearing it....even if others say it looks nice. I have this green outfit that my mom adores and always wants me to wear, but I NEVERRRRRRR wear it. I feel yucky when I wear it. The color just doesn't look good on me. He knows what colors he would feel good in...not you, not his dad, not his sisters, not his girlfriend.

Personally, I don't really like yellow on boys. It looks great on girls, but not on boys...in my honest opinion. If what he wanted was inappropriate or ugly, I would say you did the right thing, but when its a matter of color..........well...........he should be allowed to wear the color he feels comfortable in.

So....in conclusion....yep....I think you were wrong to secretly change his choice. :D The color of one's clothes is a personal choice, and as long as its a nice, decent color, I feel it should be his choice.

Regarding him not paying for it...:o:o...My parents don't LET me pay for my stuff. I have to argue with them to let me pay when I need something. They tell me I should save my money.....I should use it later.....blah blah blah.....and that God has given moms and dads the responsibility to earn and spend on their children, so until I'm married, they feel THEY should pay for my stuff and that makes them feel good. :o Go figure...Maybe I'm spoiled...LOL!

[Corinna]

Ok so every one is going to get mad at me but here goes.
1st he did know and should have done it sooner.
2nd I wouldn't pay for it (if girlfreind wants to go she could pay for it)
3rd not paying for it and girl freind getting mad may wake him up! 4th she should take a good look at him and his habits.
5th you do not die by not going I didn't cuz Tim couldn't afford to take me so we did something cheep (I'm still alive.) ( He was working but was out of school and had an apartment and car payments )
My opinion sorry if people disagree, but I fell by not making him take the consicences of his actions or inaction in this case he's not learning about life. It's about choices and the result of those choices . My kids are learning this lession right now as both have gotten in to a bind and I am not bailing them out. They are learning to THINK before acting.

[Kfamr]

Originally posted by popcornbird
Maybe I'm spoiled...LOL!

I'd say so! I wish my parents thought like that!
I've had to hand over atleast half of the money when getting expensive things. :p

[catnapper]

PCB... yellow looks AWESOME on him. One of his better colors, it also looks nice on my husband. Hubby has a pale yellow shirt on tonight with a pale yellow tie that has navy blue paisley running through it... it looks AWESOME on him. He wouldn't wear it if he thought for a second it wasn't manly enough :D Hubby also (completely coincidentally) wore a pale yellow golf shirt to work today.

He just doesn't want to wear it because thats what is expected of him. Right now he's going through a phase of wanting to be different. He says he spent too much time trying to fit in and be normal (darn newspaper article telling everyone that he wasn't normal, that he was extraordinary! :D) He's been a head case since that article, actually.

[lbaker]

I repeat myself here but if a "child" who wants to feel independant about something and then think he's grownup enough to assert his opinion, then it's time for him to take it upon himself. IMO. Nuff said.

[kuhio98]

Originally posted by catnapper
This is his senior prom. He does not work, he does NOTHING around the house - might be different if he could at least take out the trash. He HAD a job and was fired because he never showed up. Its very frustrating because he always needs money and is always getting it handed to him, while his sisters work. Not fair.

I guess I should have mentioned how he ALWAYS expects us to pay for everything, and this was the line he crossed.

I say he should wear whatever he wants. That's not the important issue here (to me).

This BOY needs to learn to be a man. To begin (at this very late date), he needs to start making his own decisions and mistakes and start paying the consequences for those decisions/mistakes. If you guys keep bailing him out, he'll never get confidence and continue to be a child.

Why aren't you requiring more of him? He's not going to require it of himself. Why should he? He's got a pretty sweet deal.

By going behind his back (you're not evil) it may send the message to him that his decisions are wrong. If he went to the prom in what he originally picked out, the world would not end. And he would probably learn a lesson when his buddies and GF gives him grief over his choice.

Disclaimer: The opinion expressed above is from a woman who has never raised children :p but has a 42-year old brother who still lives with his Mommy because he stopped maturing at about 13 because he didn't have to! His Mommy continues to bail him out of one scrape after another so he's never had to pay the consequences of his poor decisions. :rolleyes:

[carole]

Kuhio has raised some good points Kim, if you had let him wear what he liked, he may well have been in the bad books with his GF, and learned that sometimes in life you have to please others not just yourself, however I don't always practice what I preach myself lol, I think any counsellor would give you the advice to let him go ahead and learn by his mistakes.

I remember being told by a counsellor regarding my son when he was little to let him wear what he liked to school, even if in-appropriate like maybe a T shirt in the middle of winter, as he would only do it maybe once or twice and learn from it, however I found that too hard to do, I know she was probably right, but to this day I am still the rescuer, which really does not do them a whole lot of good. I admire anyone who can stand by and not always bail their kids out, you are very strong, and not everyone can do it.

let us know how it all turned out, I am sure us sticky beaks are dying to know lol.:)

[lbaker]

Right on carole.. (sticky beaks??) ;)

[tikeyas_mom]

I know when i Graduated it was really important to me that my dates tux matched my dress... not sure why because I had a horrible time at my grad.

Anyways I dont think you are evil for that lol.

[catnapper]

:D As for him being immature and us letting it go this far... you are absolutely right! This is one of hubby's and my biggest fights. He still has "issues" of guilt for son's learning disability (though I don't know why) and issues of guilt over being a single father who worked 60 hour weeks and missed a lot of their activities. He lets the kids walk all over us and hands money out left and right... meanwhile we've got absoluetely nothing to eat in the pantry. But at least the kids are happy because they got what they wanted... in reality That's not what they NEED.

So here hubby made a HUGE sacrifice to get him to his senior prom. Does our son appreciate it? Not one bit. Does he have ANY understanding of money? Not in the least. We spent well over $200 for the prom and we still haven't bought the flowers. Thank goodness I can do the flowers myself and save about $40. And he tried to convince us he needed a limo... HA!

Yes, he is incredibly immature and needs to grow up - a lot. We sent him out of state last summer in an attempt to teach him some lessons abot hard work and humility.... but he forgot the lessons immediately after he learned them. He starts college on June 13th... it'll be interesting to see how well he does out there by himself without hubby bailing him out and making ME do his papers.

And yes, I'll let you all knw about hs reaction why hubby tells him about the yellow switch tonight. ;)

[lbaker]

"Doing his papers" Boy, does THAT ring a bell. My D-in-Law is so proud of his grades and yet SHE's the one that does the papers for him. SHE'S the one that got on the honor roll :rolleyes: grrrr But I can't say a word.

[NoahsMommy]

I think that by you switching his vest/tie without him knowing will cause more harm...I think he'll be immature and that may ruin his gf's time.

I would call the store and switch it back.

He has to learn someday that he needs to dress appropirately. If he can't respect his gf enough to do this SMALL thing for her, he has some growing up to do.

The fact he wasn't to wear Mickey Mouse stuff really says a lot. Sounds like he needs some more life lessons...but ones he needs to learn the hard way.

Gosh, I hope that wasn't harsh, Kim. :(

I bet its so hard being a parent. I'm such a control freak that this would bother the crap out of me too!!!

Hugs,
Kelly :D

[Oggyflute]

I think you did him a favour. If his GF, specifically suggested yellow, then you've given him an important lesson on realationships, and what your lady expects you to wear. It generally takes most blokes an eternity to learn this.:D Fortunately I had two fashion concious sisters growing up and If I couldn't get away with the hippy look, they ensured I dressed appropiately. (Carole did'nt have to do to much training with me:D )

[equinelover23]

I'm 14, and I buy most of my clothes. Every once in a while, my mom will say, "Let's go shopping, I'll buy you a shirt," and of course, I'm pretty happy about that. :D Then we get to the mall, I pick out a shirt I like, and she won't buy it for me because it's not her "style." :rolleyes: I really don't think it should matter what her style is, since I'm wearing it.

When I buy my friends presents, I don't buy them something I like. I buy them something they like. (Even though I'm paying for it...)

So, I hope you can see my point. :p I don't think you should have made him wear something he didn't want to.

[Twisterdog]

You're not evil, of course .... but I do think you are wrong.

At age seventeen, he needs to make his own mistakes, live with the consequences and hopefully learn something from it.

[Luvin Labs]

Heck I'm torn on this.

You paid for it, at the last minute (?), for a guy who doesn't have a grasp on money issues (and many other things apparently). Plus his g/f would be PO'd if he didn't wear the yellow tux. Hopefully dad will have a serious discussion with son about compromising with an SO.

I could see paying for it if the kid was a little more mature, and responsible, and willing to compromise and not throw temper tantrums, but if that brat were my kid (hopefully not) I'd tell him some facts of life about money, and responsibility, and other things. I.e. make HIM get a job and pay for the tux himself (or you pay for it, and take money outta his paycheck every month/week).

Then again, if he wore what his girl didn't want him to wear, she might either like that tux, or be PO'd at him all night and possibly ruin prom. And/or break up with him (how long have they been dating?) after realizing he won't compromise or grow up.

I wouldn't want HERS ruined though. She'd be happy he's wearing yellow, but from the looks of things he'd be bratty the whole night (hopefully not)...

gotta see pics of kid in both outfits with girls outfit to really say, and know brat more...

Hmph... dunno.

letus know :)

[catnapper]

Thanks guys... the prom was last night and he looked perfect in the yellow ;) He even admitted today how wrong he was (shocked the heck out of me... I enver expected him to acknowledge it! :p )

[Luvin Labs]

Originally posted by catnapper
Thanks guys... the prom was last night and he looked perfect in the yellow ;) He even admitted today how wrong he was (shocked the heck out of me... I enver expected him to acknowledge it! :p )


woowhoO!

now ya gottapost up pics :)

[catnapper]

I had started a whole other thread on their prom, but here's one of the two showing off their colors. :)

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y207/runningdad/Prom6.jpg