Why do I let him get to me

[mina'smomma]

I just got off the phone with my father and he is telling me I can't have my step-father and mom walk down the aisle with us. He said that is HIS right and HIS alone. Now to give you a little background my father pretty much walked out on our family when I was one. He had been repeatedly cheating on my mother and refused to stop so she had no choice but to divorce him. He took bets right on the base courthouse steps that she wouldn't go through with it. Anyways my father visited sporadically until I was eight and then stopped. I didn't see him again until I was about 15 and I blamed it on him being in the Marines, but he retired when I was 14. Then I did not see him again until I was 19 and in my last year of school. He doesn't have much to do with my life and only participates in it when he looks good.

When I told him that I was getting married he didn't even congratulate us. He just looked at me and said, "Great if this one goes through that means more money for me to spend." That hurt me very badly that he rubbed the fact I was engaged three times before. He is a very selfish man and I feel he is even lucky he is participating in this wedding. Everytime he talks to me he makes me feel like I'm such a failure. I'm the only one of his children who hasn't made him a grandfather yet. I wanted to finish school first, get married and be married a couple of years before I had kids. His response to that is, "Well you're not getting any younger." I just don't know what to do.

I'm feeling worthless now because I can't even get the love and appreciation of the one man who it is suppose to pour from. I guess I'm just a big fat failure.

[Glacier]

honey, it's your wedding....Do what makes you happy! If you want your step-father and mom to walk you down the aisle, they do it! If your father can't handle that, it's his problem not yours! You can't change him and he can't give you want you want/need from him. That's not your fault, it's his fault. It's sucks and I'm really sorry to hear about how he's treated you. It's just wrong.

Don't let him get to you and don't let him ruin your wedding!

[Oggyflute]

Glacier said it all mate. This is your special day, his own insecurities shouldn't even come in to it. You'll be a beautiful bride with a loving partner, that is all you should think about.:)

[PJ's Mom]

Glacier hit the nail on the head. This is your wedding. Be happy. :)

[NoahsMommy]

I'm going to PM you, but wanted to say here that its YOUR day...do what YOU want.

And...

NO ONE has the right to make you feel that way. NO ONE!!

Hugs,
Kelly :)

[GraciesMommy]

You should tell your father that it IS YOUR day....and the decision has been made...and if its a problem for him the that is just it..its HIS problem. You do not OWE him anything...

[finn's mom]

Donating sperm does not give a man the right to walk you down the aisle. Sorry if that's harsh. If you are closer to your step father, and, he has shown more respect for you, has helped to take care of you, has been there for you, etc, then that's who should walk you down the aisle. And, if that's not the case, but, you just don't want your father to walk, just have your mom walk you by herself. You can have whoever you want walk down the aisle with you. If this is too personal, you don't have to answer. But, is your dad helping to finance the wedding? Because I know that can make people feel like it's their right to do certain things. But, again, this is YOUR day. Listen to what people have to say, if you want, but, the final decision should always be yours.

[catnapper]

Finn's Mom put it the exact way I was goign to say it. He was merely a biological factor in your life. You didn't mention what your stepfather is like, but I suspect he is the dad your "father" never was or could be.

You need to realize some people are poisonous to you and your life. Look at how one conversation has you calling yourself a big fat failure. You are not a big fat failure- HE IS! A failure as a father to care for his child. A failure as a husband to cheat on his young wife, and I suspect there was a lot of emotional abuse from him to control his wife. A failure as a human being to respect another human being, to respect their feelings, opinions, and choices.

[KYS]

As others have said. "It is your day"

This is a day you will hopefully have good thoughts about
for the rest of your life and you will not want to have
any regrets.

Is your father paying for your wedding?
If no, than he certainly has no right to be making any demands.

((HUGS))

[moosmom]

Everyone here has give your great advice. It's YOUR day. Don't let him pull a guilt trip on you. He sounds like a very lonely, angry man. Stick to your guns and if he doesn't like it, tell him to stay home!

Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to"

Don't allow him to!! ;)

[Karen]

As others have said, just because you share his DNA doesn't mean you have to share anything else with him. He is lucky to be invited to the wedding. Look in your heart. You don't need him to "give you away," as he gave you away many years ago. I have had one friend whose brother walked her down the aisle, another whose mother did, still another who had an uncle to whom she was close and had a lot of respect do it. In that case, they skipped the "who gives this woman to be his bride" part of the ceremony.

You are your own person. Count yourself fortunate that you did not inherit you biodad's lack of responsibility, or his emotional cruelty and childishness. It is YOUR wedding. The day should be a happy one for you. Decide in your heart who you would like to accompany you down the aisle, and go with it. Anyone who objects does not deserve the honor.

Sounds like you need to not expect your biological father to fill the "father figure" roll in your life. Think of him as some kinda estranged uncle, it may make it easier to deal with, and have you expect less of him.

In my humble opinion, he is lucky to have a daughter like you, and too selfish to realize it. Count your lucky stars you're not like him!!! :)

[Accord]

That means he has no heart to show that he loves you.
Your not a failure, you did your part. Why should you listen to your dad? What about your mom? Has she been there for you more then your dad? Yes (Im sure of that). Your getting married, you should be proud that you decided who you want to walk you down the aisle. Your dad doesn't make the choices for you. You are a grown woman, and we have powerrful words. So if you love your step dad, since he has treated you like his own daughter, you have the rights to consider him as a person giving you away. Nobody isn't stopping you hunny. Let your wedding dream come true with out any problems. You are doing a wonderful job. Dont let your dad put you down. Get married, be happy, enjoy life. Dont let your dad walk over you. Thats not right.

I had my father in law give me away (just married that time he did) becuase my adoptive dad and I weren't getting along. My adoptive mom wont go if my dad showed up. And my adoptive dad wont go if my mom showed up. It was a mixed up world for me. So I decided to call my "soon to be father in law" to take me down the asile and that did safe my stress cause I was 3.5 monhts pregnant that time.

[Daisy and Delilah]

I'm with everybody else sweetheart. It's your day and you get to make all the choices. Not just one or two, but, all the choices. You call the shots and everyone else should follow. I love the Eleanor Roosevelt quote from moosmom-it hits the nail right on the head. Best wishes to you and I hope your wedding is exactly what you've hoped for.:)

Love, Terry(Daisy and Delilah's Mom)

[luvofallhorses]

Glacier did say it all. It's YOUR day and don't let him ruin it:) ((((hugs)))))

[carole]

Sweetie I think he lost all rights, the day he chose to walk out on you and your mother and not continue to participate in your life regularly.

I think you should politely tell him this, as everyone else has said, it is your special day, don't let him ruin it for you.

I can still see how this upsets you, but by no means let him make you feel bad about yourself, a failure, never, look at what you have achieved in your life, and Don't ever think that way, he sounds like he is using emotional blackmail, to get what he wants and to save face, he really does not deserve this honour, you will have to be strong sweetie and tell him so.

HUGS and know you are a very worthwhile person, nothing he can say or do can change that about you.:)

[kuhio98]

What everyone else said!

I'm so sorry you didn't get the father you deserved. If your Mom and step-father have been there for you, have them walk you down the aisle. Why does your father think he has the right to change your plans? It's time to stand up for yourself. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to choose who will walk you down the aisle. It sounds like the honor belongs to your mom and step-father. They have earned it.

While I can muster up some compassion for your father, his life is what he's made of it. His selfish and poor choices have led him to this point. They were his choices. Not yours.

I think you are mourning the loss of the father you wished you had. Not the father you really have. You wished you had his love, respect and support. He doesn't sound capable of giving you want you want. That is HIS failing, not yours.

I hope in time you can give up the need to have his approval. If it helps, think of your father as a fire burning out of control. How many times do you have to stick your hand in the fire until you realize there's only pain to be had?

Time to set some boundaries with him. If he removes himself from your life, what have you really lost? Some DNA strands do not make a parent.

While my father is not as overbearing as yours, I felt the need to pretty much cut mine out of my life. Once I quit looking for him for some sort of approval, our relationship mellowed out. We only talk to each other a few times a year and it is always pleasant chit chat. Nothing deep or serious. And if he feels the need to comment negatively on my life, I just say goodbye and walk away.

It's your wedding. It's your life. Why in the world would you want to keep such a toxic person in your life? Just because he happened to impregnate your mother?

[Corinna]

ditto to all the above.

[Luvin Labs]

Everyone else has pretty darn well said what I feel about this.

Just because he's your bio dad doesn't mean diddly squat. He walked out on you and your mother and has therefore given up all rights to you and any right to voice his opinion.

Since it is your day, YOU get to choose who you want to walk down the aisle with you. If that sorry excuse for a father has no positive feelings for this occassion, frankly he is welcome to NOT SHOW UP... no need for him to cause you any stress on YOUR DAY. It looks as though he's given you no reason to try to keep in touch with him.

How is your relationship with your stepfather? Heck, have your mom walk you down the aisle (like some suggested).

and congradulations!~

[ILoveReptiles]

Whoa, Whoa, WHOA there. He walked out on you when you were one? He makes you feel like a failure because you're the only one of his children who hasn't given HIM grandchildren??!?!?!

WHOA. There are so many things wrong with this man I don't even know where to begin, but I'll give it a shot.

First of all - he gave up any paternal rights he had the second he "walked out" on you... Where does he get off thinking he can tell you how to run YOUR wedding...

And as for the grandkid thing - OMG don't even get me STARTED on that. I have nothing but disgust for parents who try to guilt trip their children to have kids merely for their own ends. You have how many other siblings? And they ALL have kids? Why do YOU have to give him grandchildren too? UGH! AAARRGGGHHH!! AAAHHHH!!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: Is there an exploding head icon here?

There's NOTHING wrong with waiting until you can financially support kids to have them. There is A LOT wrong with just having them even if you can't afford it! God! I can't STAND this kind of thing. What the heck is is problem? He's ENCOURAGING you to jump into a life changing decision like that without first making sure you are mentally and financially ready for it?? ARGH!!! Ok I'll stop that vein now before my head really goes nuclear...

Personally, I'd cut off all communication with him, but not before you tell him that if he dares to show up at your wedding, you will have the police take him out of there in handcuffs if you have to!

UGH! I can't even IMAGINE. Just becuase he's your biological father doesn't mean it's OK for him to mentally abuse you.

As a last note - congratulations on your upcoming nuptuals, and don't allow him to ruin it for you!

[mina'smomma]

Originally posted by finn's mom
Donating sperm does not give a man the right to walk you down the aisle. Sorry if that's harsh. If you are closer to your step father, and, he has shown more respect for you, has helped to take care of you, has been there for you, etc, then that's who should walk you down the aisle. And, if that's not the case, but, you just don't want your father to walk, just have your mom walk you by herself. You can have whoever you want walk down the aisle with you. If this is too personal, you don't have to answer. But, is your dad helping to finance the wedding? Because I know that can make people feel like it's their right to do certain things. But, again, this is YOUR day. Listen to what people have to say, if you want, but, the final decision should always be yours. Finn he hasn't had to pay for anything regarding the wedding. I would rather swallow vomit than to ask.

[mina'smomma]

With the support I've recieved from my friends here both in the thread and by pms I have made a decision. I'm calling my father after work and telling him that he can either accept things the way they are, or he can stay estranged from my life. Those are his choices. He has made his bed and he can lay in it. I was shown this weekend that I'm not in the wrong. My family has tried to tell me the same thing you have, but it took friends for it to sink in.

Thank you all very much for your help. Big hugs from me to you guys.

[robinh]

Excellent decision. You are definitely an intelligent woman. You've had some hard times lately and have come through them with grace and class. Don't let this person tell you any differently!