i want your take on relationships [Archive]

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 04:34 PM

I'm really in a situation where I need some advice. And, not advice like "take it slow", "get to know him", etc, because, well....that's what I'm doing. ;) I've known Ben for three months, and, I'm 100% smitten, totally overcome with so much L.O.V.E. for him, it's really wild. I don't know if this is forever, but, honestly, I want it to be. And, I know there are books out there like "1001 questions to ask before you get married". I plan to check it out, as cheesy as that sounds. What I'm asking for is for all the people in here, whether you're young or old, married or divorced, man, woman, child, to give me some stories, some questions, some insight. I don't care, I just want y'all's input on what you think about the subject. We've already touched on a lot of topics, including (but, not limited to) politics, religion, money, etc. And, I know that even if every one of his answers is good, we just may not get along when it comes right down to it. But, anyway, I just want as much input from as many people on relationships and what you are proud of yourselves for and what you regret and what you love and what you hate about relationships. I hope that this post gets a little attention. As most of mine don't, which I don't mind, but, this is important to me, and, I hope I can get some insight from you all. If you want to pm, that's fine, too. What I get in pm, stays in pm, it will not be posted. Guaranteed. Thanks for reading this. :) - Kari

PJ's Mom

04-21-2005, 04:38 PM

The only thing I can tell you is this:

Listen to the little voice in your head. Whether it's positive or negative, listen to it. Sometimes your head knows what your heart hasn't seen yet. ;)

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 04:43 PM

Originally posted by PJ's Mom
The only thing I can tell you is this:

Listen to the little voice in your head. Whether it's positive or negative, listen to it. Sometimes your head knows what your heart hasn't seen yet. ;)

I like that, thank you. :) Did you see my little "ticker tape" thing? Ugh, I'm such a dork!

PJ's Mom

04-21-2005, 04:43 PM

I did see it and I giggled. People in love are so cute. lol :D

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 04:46 PM

Originally posted by PJ's Mom
I did see it and I giggled. People in love are so cute. lol :D

I know, it's disgusting. Ugh, I make myself nauseous sometimes. And, it's strange, I don't know, I've been married, and, have been in two other relationships (above and beyond just dating), so, I'm not new to this. But, this is different just because I HAVE been through that stuff, ya know? I'm just so scared about it, because I don't want it to go down the ugly path. :) But, I'm excited, too, because it could be the right thing, and, I know if it is, it'll be beautiful. :D :rolleyes:

Jadapit

04-21-2005, 04:48 PM

Your not a dork your in love!;) I think when you find "the one" you feel it not only in your head but your heart as well. Does your heart do that little flutter when you see Ben?:p My husband and I have been together forever. I cant imagine my life without him.
It sounds like it's the real thing for you. I'm happy for you and I wish you both the best. I dont know if I said anything helpful. I have been married for so long I've almost forgotten what new love is like.;) I love my husband with all my heart and I wouldnt trade him for anything in the world. We have had our up and downs but everyone does. I'm rambling so I will shut up.:)

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 04:52 PM

Originally posted by Jadapit
I dont know if I said anything helpful.

Of course you did, this is the kind of thing I want to read. Just people's ideas about love and relationships, even if it's not all sunshine and daisies. Again, I've been through the grinder with men, and, am almost a complete person again. I've been working on myself for awhile, now. I do know there's no way I can be good for anyone else if I'm not good for myself. I've learned a lot about myself the past year, and, am striving to improve. But, no, I'm just wanting to hear people's stories and their thoughts, so, it's all helpful. :)

PJ's Mom

04-21-2005, 04:54 PM

You're doing the right thing by taking it slow and using your head as well as your heart. You've been through enough to know not to jump in with both feet. Just remember that if it's meant to happen, it will. :)

Dork. lol :D

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 05:02 PM

Originally posted by PJ's Mom
Dork. lol :D

I know, I'm going to make Ben a shirt that says "i love dorks." He says he likes that I'm a dork. So, my response was that I think that makes him one, too.

But, yeah, here's the problem. I left Texas almost two weeks ago, because I just needed to get out of there and get around some family. To get some perspective, and, calm down a little. Dallas is just so fast paced and it got to be really stressful for me. But, as the time for me to leave drew nearer, I realized I was falling hard for Ben. But, I also knew that I couldn't stay in Texas because of him. So, we've talked about it, and, I'm for sure staying in South Carolina for six months. And, we've made a decision to take advantage of this time to really get into eachother's brains, really get to know eachother. And, I think, in six months, we'll know if it's something that is worth taking to the next level. Which, for me, would be moving back to Dallas. I mean, he's coming out here in May, so, if he likes it, it could even be an option that he would come out here to check it out. But, it would be a lot easier for me, I think, to go back there than for him to move out here. But, that might change, too, there are a lot of variables there, and, a lot can happen in six months. And, then, it would be a matter of me getting an apartment back in that area and he and I seeing if we can do the "getting along" face to face thing. Which we spent a lot of time together in the two months before I left, so, the chemistry is there. It's just a matter of seeing how strong it is. When we get to see the ugly side of eachother, too. ;)

Anyway, I'll stop for now.

catnapper

04-21-2005, 05:10 PM

Awww... it sounds wonderful! Sounds like you've got a good plan going already.

One thing I always tell people in relationships is to always keep outside interests. Do your own thing, while he does his. I've seen too many couples turn into the "super couple" where you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began, and to me thats sad because they were complete before the other person came into their lives, so why are they forgoing some of their favorite activites or friends just because that new person is there? Because there will come a day when the sparks die down and all somebody wants is to be left alone, but they can't be because they created a whole little world of just THEM. Understand that rush of advice? :D

luckies4me

04-21-2005, 05:18 PM

My bf and I have been together for three months as well, and we've basically been through enough already to know we are definitely staying together for quite some time. Maybe not forever, but we've definitely talked about it. :D :p We are 100% completely in love, and already act like we're married. He's younger than me. I'm 25, and he's 20. But he's more mature than most 40 year old men, has a good career, makes good money, has an education etc. We are INSEPERABLE! We've been together since the day we met, and have only spent about 7 days out of the whole three months without being together, and that's only at night. We are way too in love, and often make people sick. Their just jealous. ;) He's been with me through so much already. Knowing that I already have a son, and even going as far as to help my problems with my ex, money situations etc. He is there for me with everything and I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.

We do bicker, but it's pointless stuff, and after a few hours we are right back in bed staring at eachother. We have SO much fun together it is amazing. We are so comfortable in front of eachother and can pretty much tell eachother anything without feeling emberassed. In fact, I often wondered if I was really in love with any of my past relationships because the feeling I have now is just ten times more intense than anything I have ever felt before. He always tells me, "People search their whole life for what we have". And it's true. :) Today is actually our three month mark. :D

Now, if I can come to terms with his career I will be all set. He's a professional downhill biker and the thought of him getting hurt (and believe me he has!) or dying just kills me. I can't imagine life without him right now. I'll be going to some of his races this summer though, so maybe his excitement will rub off on me and I can learn to except the crazy side of his personality as well. He says, "Well just think hunny, my racing could buy that big house we want someday". So I guess in a way, it's a good thing. :p

luckies4me

04-21-2005, 05:20 PM

Originally posted by catnapper
Awww... it sounds wonderful! Sounds like you've got a good plan going already.

One thing I always tell people in relationships is to always keep outside interests. Do your own thing, while he does his. I've seen too many couples turn into the "super couple" where you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began, and to me thats sad because they were complete before the other person came into their lives, so why are they forgoing some of their favorite activites or friends just because that new person is there? Because there will come a day when the sparks die down and all somebody wants is to be left alone, but they can't be because they created a whole little world of just THEM. Understand that rush of advice? :D

SO TRUE!!! That is one thing my bf and I completely understand. There are times when we both just need some time alone, which is good for us, because when apart we just long for eachother more. :D He has his friends, and I have mine, and we both understand the need to have our own personal time and space.

luckies4me

04-21-2005, 05:27 PM

By the way, I want a ticker. :o :p :rolleyes:

Fox-Gal

04-21-2005, 05:41 PM

catnapper is so right, keep outside interests, that's so important.

Also, I'll tell you what my parents taught me about relationships. ...........Trust 100%, you can't be with, or watch someone 24/7 so you have to trust 24/7...... jealousy and love can not work toghter. If you have the one, you can't have the other, or else it will never last.

The other came from my Father, when as a child I caught him looking at another woman. I told him I was going to tell Mom. lol
He said this. "It's like window shopping, even if you know you bought the best and nothing could ever compair, you still can look at the window, just never buy." lol Again going back to trust.

luckies4me

04-21-2005, 05:47 PM

A little jealousy is normal I believe, but when overdone is when there tends to be problems. Trust is a MAJOR important factor in the health of a relationship. I find myself very hard to trust someone, and am learning now to trust my bf. I've been lied too so many times it doesn't come easy. Deep down though, I know he would never do anything to jeapordize our relationship. He loves me too much. :p

dukedogsmom

04-21-2005, 06:09 PM

A very important thing to discuss before you both get totally taken with each other and progress into being very serious is to discuss your views on having a child. That could be a very big barrier later. I understand it's not for people that have just started dating but wanted to give you that info for a few months or so down the road.

shutterbug0303

04-21-2005, 06:28 PM

Good advice floating around on this general board! :D I totally agree with all of the advice floating around here!

I'm 22 and have been "dating/seeing" the same guy for 6 years now...yesterday was the big 6 yr. anniversary!!! We started dating in high school (he was in 9th, I was in 10th) only to "get away" from the people that were stalking us! lol It is quite funny the way fate works! Anywho...we dating strong and steady from 1999 until 2001 when he got the big idea that he was a senior in high school and should be "single" and have fun! :rolleyes: Boys can be so immature! We were both still "together" and dated, although we weren't officially a couple for a year! Neither one of us found anyone else we were even remotely interested in! The one year ann. of our break up, he asked me to be his again :D No problem since we were basically still together anyway! That was 2002...

Stayed strong (of course we had our bickering, arguments, etc...) until right after my dad died :( I felt like my life wasn't fair for him and I no longer wanted to hold him back with what was happening in my life. I had become a different person with new responsibilities that he couldn't understand. So I broke it off with him just this past fall. We both took it hard, but we're still "together" and dating each other. Things have started to separate some, but we work together every day and are still the most excellent of friends. We still celebrated our "day" yesterday and are going out this weekend for dinner :D Is he "the one"??...you know, I'm still working on this! Some days it a definite, some days I'm not so sure!!!

So, trust your feelings, be patient, trust him, understand, and the right thing will happen. I guess this was more of a story than advice and it's missing a million details (six years adds up) but its the gist of things. Best of luck Kari! I hope you and Ben have a blast when he get to SC! Some of my guy's and my best times were when we were separate from each other for a period of time and then got to see each other again! The feeling when you see the other person can't be beat! :D

Fox-Gal

04-21-2005, 06:34 PM

Originally posted by luckies4me
Deep down though, I know he would never do anything to jeapordize our relationship. He loves me too much. :p

Then there should be no jealousy, right? I know trust is hard for people and even more when they have been hurt, but I still believe with all my heart, that there can not be 100% love if there is jealousy. How could there be if there's even 1% of jealousy holding you back. Holding you back, means holding you back, from fully giving or receiving love.

I'm not talking about, silly little things, like if he looks at another girl and you wonder if he thinks she prettier then you, just as long as you know, even if she is prettier, he still loves/wants you. It's if he looks at the girl and you get that feeling of OMG he's looking at someone else, does that mean he's not happy with me, is he thinking about cheating, etc. That's the kind of jealousy a relationship can't survive.

I just know I have never wasted a sec. of my time worring about what he doing when he's away from me. If I did that it would be a sec. wasted on something I have no control over. It's just a wasted sec. and sec's add up to wasted time. Because even in the end if he was doing something wrong...I can't change it by worring about it, can't stop it from happening, and I surely don't want to push him into it, by showing jealousy.

The biggest reasons a lot of marriages or relationships ends is because of money problems/fights or jealousy and mistrust. You have a greater chance of making it, if you keep those things out of it.

That's just how I look at relationships and how I live mine.

luckies4me

04-21-2005, 06:48 PM

Originally posted by Fox-Gal

It's if he looks at the girl and you get that feeling of OMG he's looking at someone else, does that mean he's not happy with me, is he thinking about cheating, etc. That's the kind of jealousy a relationship can't survive.

That does not make me jealous. My take on it is, if he wants to be with someone else he WILL be with someone else. So why worry about it? And I totally agree 100% with everything else you said. :) I'm happy right now and won't waste my thoughts on stupid things like that. I use too though. I guess you just eventually learn when you get older.

AbbyMom

04-21-2005, 08:11 PM

Are lovebirds sweet?:D

I'm quite a bit older than you and have seen many divorces. So, here are some questions I've collected that you should ask yourself:

Does he always treat you with respect?

(As people get to know each other really well over the years, a lack of respect can grow until it eats up a marriage)

Does he treat his family, especially his mother, with respect?
(Beware of anyone who treats his/her family poorly. Past behavior is indicative of future performance)

Does he pull his fair share of responsibilities around the house or does he expect a female to do that for him?
(I've seen too many women get married, have children and work full time while their husbands enjoy the good life. Eventually they divorce because it's less work.)

Does he leave his clothes lying on the floor? (Doesn't respect himself.)

Does he always tell you the truth?

Does he ever fly into a rage and then apologize profusely later? (DANGER DANGER :eek: )

When you're talking about going places or doing things, does he always press for what he wants to do (like a competition?) or does he expect to give in sometimes and not do what he prefers?
(A couple my husband knew divorced because she always gave in to his preferences and then divorced him because she was always doing things she didn't want to do.)

Does he pass the pet test? Does he love your pets and do they love him? :p

My husband was approved by my RB kitty and we're still married after 28 years.

Good luck to you!

Glacier

04-21-2005, 08:22 PM

Trust is the most important thing. If you can't trust him, let him go now. I've been with my husband for seven years now (married for almost 6). I know that when he tells me he is doing something, that's really what he's doing. I know to the bottom of my soul that when goes out for beer with boys, he's really just drinking with his buddies. I sleep well and never have to worry that he would do anything that might hurt me or our relationship.

Prior to being with Stuart, I had several long term relationships. At least once thought he was the "one", but I couldn't trust him and in the end that killed us.

Keep your own friends and your own interests. Life gets boring if you do exactly the same thing with the same person all the time!

Talk about the big issues before you make a serious committment--if religion is an issue for you, find out what faith he would want his kids raised in. My sis is married to JW man. They have a written contract for medical issues regarding their children that was drawn up long before they had children. Find out if he wants kids or not, does that fit with what you want, where does he want to live, what's his relationship like with his family, ect.

And try to hang on to some of that feeling you have now! I still look at my husband sometimes and think "dang, he's hot!"---even though I have days when I'd like to strangle him! (Is it really so hard to empty the lint filter on the dryer!!??)

luckies4me

04-21-2005, 08:57 PM

Just wanted to point out that FULLY trusting someone comes with time. You need to get to know eachother first. You can't meet someone and a week later trust them 100% in everything they say. That wouldn't be logically, and wouldn't safe.

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 11:31 PM

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 11:35 PM

Originally posted by Fox-Gal
catnapper is so right, keep outside interests, that's so important.

Also, I'll tell you what my parents taught me about relationships. ...........Trust 100%, you can't be with, or watch someone 24/7 so you have to trust 24/7...... jealousy and love can not work toghter. If you have the one, you can't have the other, or else it will never last.

The other came from my Father, when as a child I caught him looking at another woman. I told him I was going to tell Mom. lol
He said this. "It's like window shopping, even if you know you bought the best and nothing could ever compair, you still can look at the window, just never buy." lol Again going back to trust.

I agree! Trust is such a huge part. I knew an ex for four years and he was such an untrustworthy person. I was told once that if you can't trust people, it usually means you can't be trusted. I don't know if it's 100% true all the time, but, I know in his case, it was. I think I was alone in his apartment maybe 12 hours the entire four years I knew him, because he wasn't ok with not being there. I stayed with Ben my last week in TX and he gave me his own key the first day. And, would work for eight or more hours, leaving me to my own devices. It was amazing to finally be trusted the way I deserve. I trust him 100%. And, yeah, I'm a window shopper for sure, and, I've never been jealous of my guy doing the same.

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 11:36 PM

Originally posted by dukedogsmom
A very important thing to discuss before you both get totally taken with each other and progress into being very serious is to discuss your views on having a child. That could be a very big barrier later. I understand it's not for people that have just started dating but wanted to give you that info for a few months or so down the road.

Done. We just talked about kids last night, actually. We have very similar views. We talked about how many, when, our thoughts on physical punishment, all of it. :)

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 11:38 PM

Originally posted by shutterbug0303

So, trust your feelings, be patient, trust him, understand, and the right thing will happen.

Thank you for your post, I like the story. I'm sorry that you lost your father, mine was killed in a car accident when I was nine. :( But, thank you for the thoughts, the line I quoted was my favorite. :)

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 11:49 PM

Originally posted by AbbyMom
Does he always treat you with respect?

Does he treat his family, especially his mother, with respect?

Does he pull his fair share of responsibilities around the house or does he expect a female to do that for him?

Does he leave his clothes lying on the floor?

Does he always tell you the truth?

Does he ever fly into a rage and then apologize profusely later?

When you're talking about going places or doing things, does he always press for what he wants to do (like a competition?) or does he expect to give in sometimes and not do what he prefers?

Does he pass the pet test? Does he love your pets and do they love him? :p

I've asked myself these questions....here are the answers.... :)

yes! he always treats me with respect. it's a lovely thing.

yes! although he isn't very close to his father, he adores his mother. he's not a mama's boy, which i can't stand, but, he admires her and completely respects her. he thinks she is amazing. he was telling me how she's taking trigonometry and calculus in school basically just for fun, and, how he doesn't know how she does it, and, works full time, and, takes his 16-year-old sister two school and all of her extracurricular activities. he said "now, that's admirable." He also adores his sister. he's very close to her.

yes! i don't cook, he does. :) when i stayed with him that week, he came home every day for lunch to cook for us. i cleaned their entire apartment, which is just what i'm good at. i've always been a good housekeeper. :)

he does sortof leave his clothes on the floor, but, i guess so do i!

yes, always tells me the truth, even when it hasn't been necessarily what i wanted to hear. i told him i don't lie, and, i can't tolerate being lied to. so, that line has been drawn, and, once it's crossed, i won't go back.

no, i've seen him upset, but, it's tame. my ex boyfriend did that, though! danger is right. loser. ;)

no, it's not a competition when we talk about what to do. we've both already compromised for the other. it just depends on the situation and whose heart is more set on doing something. i told him i can't handle a guy who always does everything i want, and, i didn't want him to always be the navigator, either.

he adores animals. his old dog, julie, lives with his mom and sister, and he's so sweet and gentle with her. he has a cat, mary jane, that he rescued and he loves her to death. and, as for finn. he is great with him. when i hurt my finger and had a hard time with the leash, he would walk him for me. finn wags his entire body when he sees him and cries when he leaves. he has finn's paw of approval. ;)

these are the kinds of questions i know i'll find in that book, but, it's what i want to ask! thanks!

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 11:53 PM

Originally posted by Glacier
Trust is the most important thing.

Keep your own friends and your own interests. Life gets boring if you do exactly the same thing with the same person all the time!

Talk about the big issues before you make a serious committment

And try to hang on to some of that feeling you have now!

Hey, thanks, glacier. i've said it already, but, yeah trust is huge. my last two relationships, there was none. i've been lied to and untrusted, but, i don't let it affect me. i know i can trust ben, no matter what someone did in the past.

and, i am so on the boat as far as keeping my own interests. i have never met anyone that could convince me that i only needed them in my life. i gotta have some girls, too!

also, we have been trying, every time we talk, to ask eachother big questions. we try to spend the day thinking of what to ask eachother when we talk at night. it's been interesting!

and, yeah, i hope in 80 years, he still does this thing where he puts his forehead against mine and looks at me with his incredible green eyes. ugh, i'm sure i'll love that just as much. ;)

finn's mom

04-21-2005, 11:57 PM

Originally posted by luckies4me
Just wanted to point out that FULLY trusting someone comes with time. You need to get to know eachother first. You can't meet someone and a week later trust them 100% in everything they say. That wouldn't be logically, and wouldn't safe.

I am not agreeing or disagreeing, but, i think that's just different for different people. i'm one of those people that trust everyone until they prove that they're untrustworthy. even with all the crappy, lying, backstabbing, untrustworthy people that have let me down. i feel i deserve to be trusted, and, therefore i trust everyone. again, it's let me down time and time again, but, it's one thing i refuse to compromise on. but, again, i see your point, too. it can be dangerous, but, i'm willing to risk it. it's one of those things, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. ;) and, i'm freakin' paul bunyan sometimes, i swear. ha ha.

Oggyflute

04-22-2005, 01:27 AM

Kari this guy sounds really good. He has love and respect for you, he cooks, he loves dogs.:) Ok all blokes can be a bit slobbish at times, it's in our nature I think. But with subtle training I'm sure you can overcome that problem. Carole has worked at me for seven years and I'm a fairly neat person now (of course my bachelor pad is a distant memory :D ). I think I might have mentioned this in another thread but if this fellow is the one that you want to be with when things are bad, then he is most likely your life partner. It's your partners love that will sustain you through the hard times.
I'm sure it will work out for you. Go for it girl.:)

finn's mom

04-22-2005, 06:37 AM

Originally posted by Oggyflute
Kari this guy sounds really good.

Thanks! I'm glad you posted your opinion! I knew the women would have something to say, and, I'm grateful for the advice and stories. But, hearing from a man's point of view, too, is always helpful. And, he's not a messy person, really, he just tends to toss his clothes. ;) And, he's a mechanic (technician), so, he gets really dirty, but, he's very clean outside of work. I'll keep you guys all posted, for sure, about how this goes. Of course, I'll probably say a lot if it works out, and, not so much if it doesn't. Ha ha, but, either way, I've already told him, I'll never regret meeting him because he's already taught me so much. One question I thought of last night, after we talked, was, that if I ever thought we needed to, would he be willing and receptive to counseling? I have seen counseling work wonders for a person and a couple, and, god forbid we hit bumps so big we can't make it ourselves, I'd be 100% for going for help. It's important to me that he be willing to, as well.

Corinna

04-22-2005, 07:44 AM

After 26 years of being married to th same guy, I say you are doing this just right. We dated for 3 years before we got married. Then were married for 3 years before kids. Nothing wrong at all in going slow. My hubby has never been the neatest of floks but I haven't either . But we have worked out a kind of way to get around it all. He at least gets the clothes in one pile so I can pick up the pile for washing.
I think you sound like your in the best place on this. Just remember to use your head not your heart or hormones , those can't be trusted. Good luck

finn's mom

04-22-2005, 09:22 AM

Originally posted by Corinna
Just remember to use your head not your heart or hormones , those can't be trusted. Good luck

Thank you! Although I do tend to listen to my heart, I am using my head as well. :) I usually tend to overanalyze things, and, it's bitten me right in the butt before. So, most of my friends and family are telling me not to use my head as much as I usually do. Ha. But, I think I have a good balance with this one. If this fails, it'll be because it's not meant to be, not from any fault of mine. I'm trying my best! I'm not going with my hormones, though, I know that for sure. If it was all hormones with Ben, this long distance thing would have already failed. Thanks again, everyone, for sharing!