Cat humor

[Randi]

From time to time a cat gets sick and the Vet will prescribe some pills, tablets, or capsules as a remedy. Use the following directions for administering them:

HOW TO PILL A CAT!

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cat's cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat' s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered antique china cups from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Phone fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of raw hamburger. Hold cat's head vertically and pour * pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye.
Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table. And leave the damn cat alone.
:rolleyes:

[lbaker]

..and all the while all the other furkids are laughing hysterically at the show :D rolling on the floor holding their bellys with tears of laughter rolling down :rolleyes: laurie

[Gio]

... also: be careful that no other furkid will quickly swallow the pill that's on the floor thinking it's a piece of their dried food. :D

Honestly that happened to me, I can never get the one I'm trying to administer the pill to to swallow it, but I have trouble trying to prevent the other ones from gobbling it up. I had to force Maya's mouth open once to retrieve one pill that my mother dropped accidentally on the floor. The side effects on the cat would have been disastrous!

[purrley]

LOL Randi - However, I have to give my Spencer pills on a regular basis and I got it down to a Science:)

[tuxluvr]

Gio, you hit on the "key" to pilling. ON one occasion, we had to "pill" Ritz and the medication slipped out of our hands and onto the floor... That's all she wrote, Ritz gobbled it up like candy. From then on, that was how we accomplished the task, and "accidentally on purpose" dropping. :D

[C.C.'s Mom]

This joke (or reality??) is even at the black board in the vet clinic where I go to with my cats and dog. In English. And that's very funny, knowing that there's nobody there who can actually read it (I apologize for those who can of course, but in the 5 years that I'm living in Germany now, I found them to be a very rare species).

[Randi]

Our cat has actually just had a treatment for cystolith (bladder-stones, as we call it in DK) He is 5 years old and had this problem for the first time - hopefully the last! We have to give him 2 Penicillin pills a day for 5 days! The first morning (tuesday) was easy - mind you, he was still under influence from the anaesthesia(he couldn't walk straight for 12 hours)

He smelled it, licked it a bit and seemed content, so I put it in his mouth, closed it and he swallowed. Great!! In the evening it was getting a bit more difficult, he "dropped" the pill on the floor twice, so I gave up before he got suspicious and crushed it into his rather greasy dry food I had got from the vet - he finished that. Well, the next one, I crushed and put in the middle of some shrimps, left them on the kitchen table (he thinks it's funnier to steel food from there) and 5 minutes later they vere gone! Fantastic! Then, this morning I thought I'd try his mouth again (he was relaxing in bed next to my husband) .... I succeded - he swallowed it!! So, there's 3 more days to go, wish me luck! :D

Ps. He is more or less back to his normal cheeky self by now! I will post a picture soon and hope he can become Cat of the day!:cool:

[lynnestankard]

Right I've mopped my eyes and calmed down enough to reply - thats just sooooo funny - and true Randi - have you installed video cameras in my house?!!:D
Whats the name of this lovely boy who's given us so much entertainment?
Hope he gets well very quickly - give him a cuddle from me please!
:) :) :)

[Randi]

Thanks everybody for your replies, it´s so much fun to have joined Pet Talk!

Purrley, how do you get the pill in? I managed to also get the second pill down his throat yesteday - and again this morning! I´m so proud! Remember, he has been a wild backyard cat for the first year, and we have just recently been able to lift him from one room to another or long enough to weigh him (nearly 8 kg) without any scratches!

My cats name is FISTER, he is a red tabby and 5 years old - a real beauty!!

Lynnestankard, I have given him an extra cuddle from you just now - he says, oohhh, lovely, give me more!!

Since you enjoyed the story, here´s another one:

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.
(A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top constructionboots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded.
Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and
to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.
He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better!
:D:D

[purrley]

Randi - this is the strategy I use with Spence.
I take Spence by the back of the neck (this creates sort of a paralizing effect, like when the Momma kitty carries her kittens)
Spence relaxes and I'm able to open his month - drop the pill in, let go and massage his throat to cause him to swallow. Works all the time - however once in a while, not often, he'll kick with his back feet - gotta watch that, he's scratched me quite deep a couple times.

[Randi]

You're lucky Purrley, and it's the right way to do it - if possible! I cannot hold Fisters neck at all, probably because he hasn't been used to it. It's impossible to force him in any way, we have to accept his rules - and of course, that's how it should be - with cats at least.

We get furhter with him by being patient and let him come to us, and he seem to accept a pill when he is relaxed.

Have a great day!