Calling all Grammy's Turned Secondhand Mommy! HELP!

[kimlovescats]

OK, I know I can't be the only one out there who is basically raising their granchild. My daughter (20) is single, immature, and in a mess financially .... my grandbaby (Jenna) is basically my responsibility, but her mommy is still fully dependent on me as well. I need someon to HELP, please!!!!

One tired Mom/Grammy!:(
Kim

[Karen]

I'd adopt her in a heartbeat. I'm not a grammy, but all I can say is bless you for taking care of baby Jenna. Is your daughter in school or working?

[emily_the_spoiled]

Is she getting any financial support for Jenna?

You might want to consider contacting some of the churches in the area or even the Social Services departments. Many of them have support groups for grandparents raising their grandchildren. You are not alone in this situation...

[DogLover9501]

My cousin Connie had a child when she was around 18, and her mother(my aunt) Rita starting raising the little girl, after that she adopted her.

The girl is about 12-13 now, and still lives with her grandparents, but visits her mom sometimes.

I don't really have alot of advice, nor do I know what *I* would do if I had a baby to take care of at anywhere near my age, I do know that I would feel really bad if my mom had to do much of what I was suposed to be doing.

Sorry, no help!

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Just know in your heart that both Jenna and your daughter will appreciate you for this - maybe not now, but later on.

I didn't get any help from my folks in the same situation, and it damaged our relationship. I have always resented them for all the stuff I had to handle on my own, and just wished they had been more helpful and supportive. I would have given ANYTHING to have a Mum like YOU when I was younger! (((HUGS)))

[4 Dog Mother]

I can only say I admire you greatly! It has to be hard to be a mom/grammy. I know that just from having Christy and the baby here these last few weeks that it takes a lot out of you even helping out. I love Jasmine to death but she really is a lot of work! (I don't regret a moment of this time together but I also see how hard it would be to be the one most responsible for her.)
If you need to vent or talk, e-mail me or even e-mail me your phone # - I have one fee long distance so it doesn't matter what time of day I call or how long I talk. Hugs. Diana

[GraciesMommy]

I admire you that is for sure. My mom raised my sisters child...from age 3 and he is 22 now. It wore them out..
I have 2 grands and I sure hope I never have to raise them but I would if the need arose..my son and their mom are divorced and its a mess..they are bounced back and forth and its so sad..

[rg_girlca]

Oh Kim, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.
It just isn't fair.
I know you love your daughter, but I think it is about time she grew up and took on her own responsibility. I thought that once she became a mother, that she would change. I'm sad to hear that she hasn't.

It's easy to say, adopt Jenna, but you have to consider your health problems. You raised your own babies, now it's time to enjoy being a Grammy, not also being a mom again too.

This is just my opinion and I know that you would never turn your back on your daughter or your grand-daughter for that matter.

Your well-being matters too.

((((((HUGS))))))

[Jods]

Sorry to hear your having so much trouble, I don't think adopting her would be the answer. I don't think your daughter would even give her up I know I wouldn't. She just needs a reality check. You need to put your foot down. If you weren't there she'd take care of Jenna right? I mean she wouldn't neglect her. So you HAVE to step back so she gets the hint. I know it may sound hard to do, but you have to say NO to everything she asks you to do for Jenna that is more motherly then granmotherly. You need to tell her Jenna is not my daughter I raised my children already, now its your turn. If Jenna crys in the night fight the urge to go get her and if your daughter doesn't get up take Jenna and take her into your daughters room and wake her up and say your babys up, here you go. Same with feeding, changing, bathing etc.
Ex. Oh heres your baby shes hungry. I know it will be really hard for you, but if you don't set ground rules now who knows what will come next. I don't mean to completly not help your daughter either, but make it known that Jenna isn't your responsibility. If shes really stuck and needs help you can step in, but just put some boundries up grandma ones. Your are the Grandma the best part of being a grandma is spoiling the child then being able to give the baby back to his/her parents. Sorry I blabbered so much I'm not a grandmother or mother, but I hope I helped anyways LOL. Good luck!

[jazzcat]

Kim, I don't have any advice to offer but I want you to know I'm sending you lots of hugs and support.

[PJ's Mom]

My mom faced the same problem with my sister. She had a child, felt the need to leave her husband and not work. Then, she went looking for money from my mom. Eventually, after being stepped on repeatedly, my mom cut her (and the baby) off. Tough love, I guess you'd call it.

My sister now lives with her husband and their child, and while all is far from good, there is at least stability in the baby's life and my sister knows she can't live off my mom forever. My mom is getting ready to retire and had to work another year to pay off the bills my sister rang up on her credit. :mad: Oh and my sister is 32 years old. :rolleyes:

I'm not saying that's what you should do, but it worked for our family. :)

[shais_mom]

I am so sorry Kim, I have no advice for you. But am offering hugs to you.
My mom INGRAINED in my head from the day I hit puberty that she had raised her children and she wasn't going to do it for me so if I had a baby while living in their house that I wasn't going to be living in her house for long. B/c she had raised her children and wasn't going to raise mine. And never even having a serious boyfriend, I have no pregnancy worries.
I send prayers you're way. You must be a saint. I know you are too good of a person/mom to simply kick them out, I can't imagine how frustrating it is.

[joycenalex]

kim, can you get legal custody, meaning adoption for your granddaughter? you'll be able to get her on your health insurance and possibly get child care credits; the money from a legal adoption can be quite a help, it changes your federal and maybe your state taxes; the money issues gotta be a killer, if you're paying for the care of the child, you need to get every credit you can. at the same time of the adoption, get a reliable, stable guardian (not your daughter if you have any concern at all regarding her fitness to parent) named, gotta look out for the little one, her needs, physical, emotional and educational come first. the littlest ones needs are always first. my company has flexible benefits, we can put some of our pretax money (it does lower your soc. security benefits tho, so check it out w/ your tax person at the human resources office) into dependant care reimbursement. you use this to pay for out of pocket child care costs., does yours have anything like that? i'm assuming the grand is young, so get reliable, state registered child care, maybe one day on the weekend, every other week, twice a month, take the time for yourself. this is YOUR time, even if it's only 3 hours, it's sacred, take a nap, go to a coffee shop, do something to break the fatigue/overwork cycle.
check the community events board at the library, there are always groups forming for a variety of things, if you belong to a church, there has to be other second time parents, call your parish council or minister. if needs be, you can get a room at the library and found a group.
BTW, just b/c you're 'a second time parent', it DOESN"T mean you did anything 'wrong' the first time (can you tell mother worry/guilt gets everyone at sometime:) ). sometimes stuff happens, and that's just the way it is. you know more about parenting this time around, and you have a better handle on what is important, v the less important mess of the week.
please keep us updated. my respects to you, this is hard.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Oh Kim, I had no idea about Jenna's situation... :( . You have such a golden heart, Kim; I have so much respect for you!!http://users.pandora.be/bernardgabriels/images/smilies%20973%20Huge_hug.gif

I must say I do agree with Jods: it is time to "wake up" your daughter. She HAS to take more responsability for Jenna. This situation cannot go on for ever!

These are for you, Kim: http://users.pandora.be/bernardgabriels/images/smilies%20833%20flowers.gif

[kimlovescats]

What would I ever do without my wonderful PT support system! I love you all so very much, what a blessing you are for me!
I know I didn't tell you any details, so I really need to do that.

Amy Beth was actually doing pretty well here with Jenna .... she got up with her at night, and didn't ask me to help. She did get frustrated at times (as all new moms do) and I would step in and help so that Jenna wouldn't feel her mom's attitude. ;)

I actually told Amy Beth I wanted her to leave, and that I wouldn't allow her to take Jenna until she had a stable place for her to stay. The reason for me doing this was because Amy Beth was breaking off with Chad (Jenna's dad) and trying to start up with some new guy she met through a co-worker!:rolleyes:
She and her best friend were "doubling" with these two guys and in the process I found out that she had lost her drivers' license (which has MY home address on it) along with my house key and $50.00 cash!!!! These items were carelessly lost while at a pool hall with this new guy. This event was just the final drop in the bucket for me, as you would have to know Amy Beth's history of stupid and careless choices. She also just got a ticket for turning left on red light (missed the arrow). Again, in itself, alot of us do this all the time, but don't get caught, but this girl is already on probation and cannot risk stupid mistakes!!!

So.... now she had a traffic violation ticket, and is STILL driving without a license! "Oh, I just have to go pay $8.00 and get another one!" But has she done it yet? NO! :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
I try to tell her how bad it will be if she gets pulled over without a license on her, and especially if she has Jenna in the car .... then add the fact that she is already on probation!!!!????:eek: So.... now maybe you can see my frustration with this girl?

During the past 3 days away from here, Amy Beth risked losing an awful lot. For one, Chad's mother knows about the "other guy" and is now very upset with Amy Beth and says that she never should have left without Jenna. Again, Amy Beth was really forced by me to do that, which I now halfway regret. I did not want to put my daughter in the position to lose her baby for what appeared to "abandonment"!

Amy Beth called me last night, absolutely hysterical. It takes alot for my daughter to "break" and she finally did. I talked to her a long time, and she remained upset the entire time. She was so confused, lost and didn't know what to do. Finally by the end of the conversation, I asked her to come home to "her mommy" and I would pay on all her bills until she could get on her feet. I also encouraged her to give Chad (Jenna's Dad) a real chance to make a homelife for the 3 of them. If it doesn't work, there is always a way out, but at least she will know that she did try, for Jenna's sake. I also advised her to break it off NOW with this new guy ... who she has only known for about 2 weeks. Thank GOD they weren't intimate yet, so she can honestly say she hasn't "cheated" on Chad! *sigh*

My girl came home and slept here last night, and I went to bed feeling much better. This morning she and Chad and their baby girl left to spend some time together. I kept saying how happy Jenna was this morning to see both her mommy and her daddy .... and trying to encourage them. For this moment, they are happy! Please pray that this will continue.

I will attach a very recent picture of my Amy Beth and her precious Jenna!

Thank you all!

LOVE,
Grammy Kim

[catmandu]

Wow,does that ever soundlike a recipe,for disaster,and I would try,to get custody,of that Little One.I wouldnt leave Scratchy,with that Girl,and I am not fond,of Scratchy,at all.I am sure,that you brought her up,right,but there are so amny people,who choose,tolive thier lives,as adult children,taking no responsibility,for the things that they do,and the chioces,that they make.And your granddaughter,deserves a lot better.Prayers,are on thier way,from The Found Cat Hotel.

[kuhio98]

My opinion ~ feel free to disregard since I've never raised a child (unless you count Kuhio) :D

Do not deny your daughter the opportunity to fail. Haven't we all learned invaluable lessons when our lack of planning turned into a disaster? Unless you are allowed to make those mistakes, you never learn the lessons. You never learn to recover from your bad decisions. Digging yourself out of your own mess gives you confidence in your abilities. Do not deny her a chance to learn these lessons.

I know your heart is in the right place. You don't want Jenna to pay for Amy Beth's lack of judgement. That will be very hard (if not impossible) to watch. But, unless Jenna's life is in danger, I wouldn't step in and rescue Amy Beth from anything. It will only delay her maturity further and she'll resent you in the long run. Did anyone step between you and Amy Beth when she was a baby if you were in danger of losing it? Or did you learn to take a moment until you calmed down?

I'd let her bills pile up. I'd stop reminding her about her drivers license. And I wouldn't bail her out when she gets pulled over for driving without a license. (Try to refrain from saying "I told you so" when it happens ~ but I'd be saying it my head. :p ) Maybe that's what it will take for her to begin maturing.

Are there any parenting classes she might take? Perhaps a group of young women in her same situation could help her see that she needs to change and develop for herself and for Jenna's future.

It's called tough love. Some people don't learn unless they get into a bad situation. They never learn if someone bails them out of it every time.

My brother has a similar story. He's 41 and still lives with Mommy. He will never leave. He does not have the skills and confidence to make it on his own. He never developed them. He never had to. You don't want that to happen with Amy Beth. She needs to learn confidence and independence. Even if that means that you don't see her or Jenna as much. They will be happier people in the long run.

My 2 cents. Easy for me to say since I've never raised children and I live thousands of miles away. ;)

Kim, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

Oh Kim, I had no idea things were like this with Amy Beth. :( I'm so sorry you have to go through all this.

However, I have to agree with Kuhio, and you also have to take my advice with a grain of salt since I, too, have never had a child of my own. It is so tough to see your child having a difficult time and it's so much easier for you to bail them out. But that has to stop somewhere/sometime. I was quite the rebel in my youth and I know I broke my mom's heart more than once. She let me know her and my dad would be there if I needed them, but she also let me know that I had to do this on my own and learn my own lessons - life wise and financial wise.

I know you're not over flowing with money to be helping her with all her bills, so let her know that you will help, but she has to take responsibility herself. For instance, do not help with traffic fines or anything like that. If she gets pulled over for not having a license, let her deal with all the consequences, even if that means sitting in jail overnight. If she spends money foolishly on clothes and silly things, do not help her with that. Help with things like food for Jenna and household expense type things - necessities - but also let her know that you are not going to be paying these in full and she can't blow all her money on partying and such and neglect her household bills.

Maybe these last three days have taught her a little, and hopefully she will really give herself and Chad a chance. Continue to be there to support her, but also let her know you're not going to let her walk all over you. And like Kuhio says, don't do everything in your power to protect Jenna. If Amy Beth sees that she is hurting her daughter, that might just be the biggest incentive in the world for her to get her act together - although it will be the hardest thing in the world for you to stand back and watch. She has to fall and pick herself up on her own before the learning will really begin.

Good luck, sweetie, and big {{{hugs}}} to help you get through all this.

[catnapper]

How are things going today? All I can say is {{{HUGS}}} Things will get better and someday your daughter will be saying that Jenna's the one who needs some sense! :D Thats the thought that gets me through the toughest days... someday they will be dealing with similar struggles with their own kids.

[Barbara]

Kim I am so sorry. You have the best of hearts. But I also have to agree with Kuhio and Debbie.

I know that it is tough but you have to take care of yourself and Amy Beth will have to take a certain responsibilty (and looking at her I know she can basically do this!) This is independent on whether her life will continue with Chad or not....... It should continue anyway with Jenna.

All the best for all of you!

[rg_girlca]

I'm sorry for the delay in my response Kim.

Kuhio & Debbie have basically written what I was going to say also. So there is no point in repeating it.

I would just like to add that I wish you and your family the best of luck in this stressful situation and keeping you in my prayers.

((((((HUGS)))))) Kim.

[Corinna]

I had to wait and think about my answer before I did. I'm sorry for this after you were so excited for the coming of Jenna. Could you just tell AMy Beth she should chareish every minute with Jenna. She got to have her baby. My daughter was pegnat the same time as her (in fact Lee should have been born on the 31st of this month.) I only got to see my grand son in the bottom of a speciman cup after he was born at 14 weeks. She and you both get to hold your girl. It hurts so much to hear these things when you have such a joy . Shake some sense in to Amy Beth she has such a gift , she should never take it for granted. My daughter and her husband would give anything to have their son to hold.