Can anyone possibly understand???

[kimlovescats]

I still hurt so much for my Tucker man. I went to bed crying over him last night, I cried on Jerry's shoulder over him this morning. I am so lost without my baby boy. I still have 11 kitties here that I love and that love me back, yet I am still lost without my Tucker Man. I know everyone here is probably sick of hearing this, and may not understand ... but Tucker was different from any other kitty I have ever had!!! He loved me so much, he would cling to me, lay his head on my shoulder, look me straight in the eyes, and he had his only special smell. I even rescued Ditto to try and be another Tucker, and he was really close, but then I went and sent him off to the other rescue along with all the rest. Why did I do this? Jerry questioned my reasoning, and I just shut him up with a quick "don't ask me" attitude. I can't help but still feel like Tucker would have lived and not gotten the FIP, if I hadn't brought in so many other cats through my rescue. I beat myself up over this daily. I want him BACK, I don't know what to do.:( :( :( :( :( :(

[GraciesMommy]

I am just so sorry, Kim...I know you are hurting~ hugs

[catnapper]

I have not felt the loss you are feeling, but I can tell its tearing you apart. {{{HUGS}}} I don't knoww hat to say that could help you, only that I'm here if you ned to talk.

[sasvermont]

Kim, it is perfectly reasonable to be so sad about someone you loved so much - lots of us still cry over the passing of pets and people. (((((KIM)))))))))
L,

SAS

[catmandu]

I still miss Mr Scrappy,every day,and wonder,if I had given him,another chance,to beat he Diabetes,would he still,be here.He ,wasnt reacting,well,to the shots,and I couldnt give him,his pills,but I still wonder,if I gave up,on my best Friend,too soon.And I do understand Kim,because,with all,the cats,that I have here,Scrappy,was the most loving,and every night,jumped ,on my chest,and thanked me,for being his Guardian.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v621/catmandu/Mr.jpg

[Queen of Poop]

I know it hurts. It's the worst hurt in the world. I am sure Tucker was the greatest cat ever and he will never be replaced. He was obviously so wonderful that when the need arose he was called to the RB. Hugs to you.

[DogLover9501]

Originally posted by catnapper
I have not felt the loss you are feeling, but I can tell its tearing you apart. {{{HUGS}}} I don't knoww hat to say that could help you, only that I'm here if you ned to talk.

Kim said it best! I also don't know what to say, and I know that anything I could say won't make it any easier.

We're all here for you ((((Hugs)))).

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

I understand completely as I am just as lost without my Tubby boy. :( Jack is a wonderful kitty, a joy to have around and I love him dearly, but I miss my big Tubby boy so bad. :( I miss his constant attention as he was always wherever I was and clung to me, just like Tucker did to you. I miss his head bumpies, snuggling on the couch with him, rubbing my hands in his sun warmed fur, his constant begging, him sleeping with me at night, how he waited by the door for me to come home every night....and I could go on and on.

All I can do is cry with you, Kim, and hope this all eases with the passing of time as "they" say it does.

{{{hugs}}} :(

[QueenScoopalot]

Kim many of us totally understand the desperate feeling of loss you're feeling now. I feel that way about my dear Willy who I rescued as an emaciated, un-neutered older cat five or so years ago. Willy had severely crippled up front legs (like Kirby) and was outside like that! :mad: I know he was a much older cat (not many teeth left) but when I found him dead under my bed late last year, I felt like my soul had been ripped right out. He passed away so fast, and quietly I was stunned. :( Willy and I had that special indescribable bond that you shared with Tucker. FIP is more genetically linked rather than something passed on by rescuing others. That's why some breeders will end up unwittingly adopting out kittens that later die of FIP...it's in the genes. Most likely Tucker was genetically predisposed to FIP, and even if he was the only cat you had, he very well still could have died from it. I've had large numbers (probably thousands by now) pass through the revolving doors over the years, and only a handful of kittens have ever come up positive for FIP. None of my cats were affected. Cry all you need to...and all our cyber shoulders are here for you as well. (((HUGS))) Jan

[catmandu]

And each Cat,like a grain,of sand,or a flake of snow,is an individual,and all,have thier own personalities,RIp Tucker,and I know,that You,and The Found Cat Angels are Friends,together!


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v621/catmandu/Mr.jpg

[CalliesMom]

The only pet loss I've experienced was my childhood dog when I was 18. That was very traumatic as I did not expect him to decline as quickly as he did and to this day, I still miss him.

I imagine when Callie passes on I will feel the exact same way, Kim. There is just something about that cat that I adore more than anything in this entire world--she is a gift from my deceased father. I got her a month after he passed away and I truly believe he "sent" her to us. When I think about her passing on someday, my heart breaks and I feel as if I'm also losing my dad all over again.

Nothing will ever replace Tucker in your heart, nor should it. Just know that you provided him with a wonderful home and someday will be with him again.

[catmandu]

And BJ,who,i Lost last year,when he looked ,ill,and just,as I was goingto get him,to the Vets,he has passed away,and like Tucker,Pouncer,and Scarppy,as well,as all the Pet Talker Angels cannot be replaced.I told my Dad,one time,if they left the cats alone,on a robbery,than would be fine,because I can always buy anothe Tv,but there is No Scrappy Store.Or A BJ Emporium.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v621/catmandu/BJcatbed.jpg

[cubby31682]

I don't know what to say. I am always here if you need to talk to some one. {{{HUGS}}}

Katie

[NoahsMommy]

Oh Kim, I'm so sorry, hun. :(

Lots of hugs and prayers being sent your way.

Take care,
Kelly

[mina'smomma]

Kim,

I sent you a pm sweetie. I'm sorry you feel like this. (Big Hugs) I somewhat know how you feel.

[moosmom]

Kim,

I'm so sorry about Tucker. I wish there was something I could do or say to help ease the hurt.

It's amazing how our furkids have different "scents". I can still remember Casey "Bubba Dude's" scent, and he's been gone 2 years!

Know that we are all here for you, Kim. It's really difficult when you lose a furkid. But they time heals.

((((((((hugs))))))))))

Donna

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

I understand this VERY well, Kim!! My Sydney died nearly 3 years ago, and I still cry over him. Just seeing his picture on the wall, or his page on my web-site, is enough to bring back the tears.... . Vent here as much as you need, dearest Kim, that is the "magic" of Pettalk!!http://users.pandora.be/bernardgabriels/images/smilies%20986%20grouphug.gif

http://users.pandora.be/bernardgabriels/images/sydneyrose.gif

[jazzcat]

Kim, I am so sorry. You know I think of you like a sister and I can't stand to know you are hurting so badly.

I went through the same thing with my dog Pepper back in the early 90s. I looked for a replacement and Richard said no more dogs so he let me get a kitten, Ripley. Not a good replacement at all. A year later I still ached to fill the void and that is when I got Disney. She wasn't nor never has been anything like Pepper. She's always been strong willed and independent and never really needed me. Anyway, I discovered that time was all that would help heal my broken heart and it took a lot of it. I can honestly say it was many years before I could think about him and not hurt.

I know I haven't told you anything that will help but know that we do understand and we are here for you. Just do me a huge favor and do not blame yourself for what happened to Tucker. As for Ditto, don't start second guessing your decision.

You know my phone number, call me or send and email and I'll call you. Don't feel like you have to go through all this alone.

[kuhio98]

Kim ~ I'm so sorry. Grief is a long, painful process and it isn't pretty! Kuhio has been gone 2.5 years now and I still grieve her. I probably always will. You just take your time and be patient with yourself. Everyone is different, but what helped me is accepting that Kuhio was never coming back. Our special time together on earth was over. But, that we will be reunited again some day never to be parted again. I'm not very religious but I've held onto this belief because I'd go crazy if I didn't have some hope. I talk to Kuhio everyday. I believe she's still around. I just can't see her. If I'm right, I wouldn't want her to feel ignored. If I'm wrong, I'm just that crazy lady talking to herself. It gives me a feeling of peace to talk to her.

I ask myself if the situation was reversed would I want Kuhio to grieve me every day of the rest of her life. My answer is no. I would want her to have a wonderful, long, happy life with someone else and remember me fondly.

Most of the time I feel this way. But sometimes I'm just sad and angry. That's okay. Just be kind and patient with yourself and your loved ones. It takes as long as it takes. And, everyone is different.

And yes, we all understand.


Remember Me Always

Remember me always, but do not grieve for me too long. I have tried always to comfort you in times of sorrow, and have made every effort to add joy to your life. I never wanted to cause you pain.
Peace for me is certain now, and I suspect I will have eternal sleep in the earth I have loved so well.

Please, after your period of grieving for me, make room in your heart for another. You are the kind of human being that should always have a friend like me to love. Your kind and gentle heart should not be wasted on my memory for too long. Give love to another. I know your new friend will never take my place, because we had something very special.

It may not be quite the same, but a new devoted and loving companion will in time, become special in their own way.

You loved me very much and I loved you. My spirit will always be with you, and no matter how deep in my sleep, my grateful heart will always be purring for you.

[mina'smomma]

Your grief reminds me of a song that I hear in my head when I think of my little girl. It's from Phantom of the Opera. Its called "Think of Me" In it the singer is telling her love to always think of the life and love they shared, and to not think of the bad things like the what ifs and could of beens. I know that this song always makes me feel better, and I hope it will help you too. Lil Man Tuck would want you to remember the love you two shared, and I know that he is proud of the fact that his Meowmie helped other loveys have a safe and wonderful homes filled with love just like he did.

[K & L]

I don't know what to say that everyone else already has. Grief is hard and takes time. Don't blame yourself for this. I know that's not easy cause we all tend to do this when we lose a loved one. Hang in there. Just remember at least you had this special love in your life, some people never do.

[catcrazylady]

Grief is grief, whether it is for a person or an animal, it is still grief. Grief hurts like nothing else in this world and the only thing that can ease the pain is time. I know this is not helpful but it is a very sad truth. You will never stop missing Tucker and you will always remember the special things about him. The only way to deal with grief is to let it out. Crying, and expressing how you feel is the healthiest way of handling it and the rest is simply healing time.

You add to the grief with guilt Kim and you need to let that go. You have seen many many rescuers on here that have gazillion cats come and go and no FIP. Jan explained the FIP situation very well. You can not keep blaming yourself for what happened with Tucker.

You got rid of some of the cats for health reasons, right? What you need to focus on is you, getting well, and taking care of your remaining kitties and family. Find some peace and love in what you have and try to think about all the good things around you. Grieve for Tucker when you feel the need and know that it will get better. Forget the rescue business and take care of you. You have helped way more than your fair share and you have plenty of kitties at home to care for as it is. It's time to focus on you, all the good you have done, and all the wonderful things that you have in your life now.

We are always here for you with shoulders and cyber {{{HUGS}}}
Lisa

[aly]

Kim,

I ache for you and know how you feel. I am so sorry about Tucker and hope that you can come to peace with the loss soon :( I know its hard, but I hope time can ease the pain.

FIP is a virus and can be contagious during the first two stages. So I see why you feel guilty. I think you should let the guilt go though. Its not your fault. You only wanted to save as many lives as you could :( That is what saddens me most about rescue work. The few of us who do it have to try so hard to undo so many peoples' mistakes that we become burnt out physically and emotionally.

I am overly paranoid with FIP/FIV. I quarantine my foster cats for 2-4 weeks before letting them near my own cats. Even then, it is still a risk since FIP can be dormant for longer than that. Everyone who does rescue work does take that risk. It is gut-wrenching when a rescuer's own cats are affected by it :( I'm so sorry.

[sirrahbed]

YES, we can understand as many of us have lost our special pets. No, we are not sick of hearing you talk about Tucker - where else is as safe a place to share this?

My heart kitty - much like your Tucker - was RB Bert who has been gone for nearly ten years - and I still find myself in tears about him from time to time. He was and is the reason that I so love orangies. He would come when I called him, look with love at my face, snuggle so close - many of the things you say about Tucker.

Of course I can't feel exactly like you or understand completely because I am not you...but I do care how you feel and think all of us here do.

I also took Bert in to be PTS after his cancer was very large and he began to appear to be in pain. I often wonder what I could have done to help him more - did I do the right thing at the right time...many thoughts go through my mind.

((((HUGS)))) to you and please take good care of yourself. I do wish you would write or call now and then - I am always ready to talk or listen if you want that from me. You have certainly heard MY tears.

[christa]

I am so sorry to hear that you are still suffering so much over your loss of Tucker. I can only imagine how you must feel. I have a feeling that Brodie will be my "Tucker" and I don't even want to think of ever loosing him.

It's amazing what a bond there can be between a person and a cat . . . makes me wonder what God was thinking when he created us.

Tucker has a piece of your heart . . . it's perfectly fine and healthy that you grieve for him. Just don't hold it in . . . there are so many people on here that love you & would do anything to help you!

Hang in there, sweetie!!!

[catland]

You are not alone. As you can see, many of us have gone through what you are going through and understand all too well the grief and pain you feel now.

So many of us, while loving all our kitties, have experienced that special someone who connected with us in such a unique way that our grief for them can seem overwheming.

I don't have a solution, other than time does eventually cause the pain to somewhat recede. The best thing to do is enjoy the ones that are still with you and to cherish their existence.

we care.

[sandragonfly]

(hi, I'm back :))
I know what you mean! PAINFULLY. my Edges who died last year in July, (no FIP tho) I'm still angry and cry over little thoughts of him. even thought he was only 104 day old (almost 4 months old)...see I can't forget that number -- he sounds like just a little verison of tucker. I keep on thought why I always had to lost the best things I ever had in my life espeically I had him for little time.

we're on the same page, just that I dread talking about my Edges because most, most people out of this pet talk community does NOT understand that skin or fur is the only difference! so do I too, understand you. kudos, kim.

but what to say...I think there's a message from tucker skyupstairs saying, "hey meowmie! there's no tears limitation but too bad you can't hear my golden purring up here! just think this as you heard me, I'm waiting for you!" *sitting by my Edges* meows...!

[ramanth]

Kim, I understand completely. Some nights I end up crying myself to sleep because I miss Chance so much. :( :(

I'd give anything to have him back.
http://kia.cutestsandgirl.com/images/cats/family_cats/chance_chair.jpg

[Shady]

Our kitties are our babies, the grief is no less than losing a child.

I had to make that painful decision on my own for my very first furkid. He was 19. I grew up with him, he was the furry love of my life.

That was over five years ago and just thinking about him or even seeing a picture will still bring tears to my eyes.

Although I have brought more furkids into my life, there will never be quite another him.

I've always found losing someone either a person or a long loved furkid only time eases the pain, there is no magic number or length of time, it's something that has to heal in your heart.

Cherish your memories, no one can take those from you.

((hugs))

[Soapets]

Kim, I see a VERY STRONG SIMILARITY between your feelings for Tucker and the incident with the little kitty at the shelter yesterday. Is it possible that the GUILT feelings from that terrible experience yesterday brought all of these other feelings and memories about Tucker crashing down on you again? Was there enough of a similarity in EMOTIONS involved that it triggered this response?

It sounds like you are feeling almost overwhelmed with grief, and when something that horrible happens it is very common for it to trigger old emotions, thoughts, feelings, and memories from previous horrific experiences, if there were any. It can also work the other way, such that if you HADN'T ever had the experiences with Tucker that you had, maybe you wouldn't have felt so strongly about the incident at the shelter yesterday with the other little kitty.

Does any of this make any sense to you? It is just a possibility I can see. It seems like you are a wonderful, caring, loving, tenderhearted person who cares and feels about things dear to you very deeply. I CAN relate to how you feel, because I have had bad experiences relived when something triggered similar emotions later on, and it is no fun.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I know that you will become a stronger, yet even more sensitive, person because of these experiences. I sure wish people didn't have to go through such painful situations in order to grow, but it just seems like that's what happens. HANG IN THERE! Let yourself feel the pain, and get it out.....

[catlady1945]

I miss my big guy, Ella, who passed away 16 years ago and my beloved Patty a year and a half ago. Life goes on, however, and we found that adopting other homeless cats has helped immeasurably. We treasure the memories of our dear companions and we know that our lives have been enriched by having them with us.

[Cataholic]

Kim,
Nothing really helps. The passage of time does ease the pain, I promise you. It takes awhile, and days like this one will end, and the distance between them will grow. Hang in there, as it does pass.
Johanna

[catmandu]

Sometimes I think,that losing a Pet,is as hard as losing a Friend,or Family member.As there is often a feeling of guilt,as many times,I have been,at the Vet,and three times,I authorized,the death,of a Cat.And the decision,is rarely there with people,and they get,the best care possible,until they pass,on.But ,with Pets,the life,or death,is in our hands,and I think,that we second guess ourselves,as we are responsible,for our Pets health,and feel,like failures,if they,like BJ,just collapsed.I still ask myself,how I missed,that he was so ill.And we are around our Pets,more often,that we are around loved ones,and there is that bond,between Pets,and Humans,that is so intense,more than people,in a lot of cases.

[rg_girlca]

Quoted by kimlovescats
I know everyone here is probably sick of hearing this and may not understand.

Oh Kim, sweetie. don't even think this. Obviously from all the replies that you have received so far, you can clearly see that we DO understand.

I think the "Remember Me Always" that Kuhio98 posted, summed it up well.

It hasn't been all that long since the passing of your beloved Tucker and it is only normal that you are going to have days like this, but it well get easier as time goes on.

The main thing, is to get over the guilt that is bringing you down to an all time low. Kim, you could not have known the outcome of Tucker. I don't know much about FIP, but please take in what others have said in regards to it. IT WAS NOT YOU FAULT!

I won't get into the guilt that I had felt for quite some time when my RB Captain died in my arms in 1988, but I can truly tell you my dear that it will get better with time.

((((((HUGS)))))) to you dear friend. Please take care of yourself.

[shais_mom]

I am so sorry for you're pain Kim. It breaks my heart.
I have no advice just that time does ease the pain. I still have major anger and grief issues over my Grandma passing away last year, while some days are better then others, not a day goes by I don't think of her.
{{Hugs to you}}

[krazyaboutkatz]

Kim, I understand what you're going through and I'm so sorry to hear that you're still having such a difficult time.:( I really don't have any advice for you except that time will help you heal. It's been 2 years since the passing of my Pepper and I still miss him terribly. I look forward to seeing him again some day. Please take care. {{{HUGS}}}