My brother-nlaw died yesterday...

[carole]

I am not sure why I am even posting this, but I am, it is a long story, but my Husband dis-owned his whole family three years ago, we had heard only a month ago his sister's husband Brian had throat cancer, and then my son told me he died yesterday.

My husband was mad as heck because his other sister's husband came around to tell us, I kept him away and dealt with the situation as best I could, I sincerely believe he only came here because he thought it was the right thing to do.

It only stirred up my husbands hurt and distressed him really, and angered him, he really does not want to know or have anything to do with any of them, it is very complicated and I donot blame my husband, I am concerned he still has all this anger inside of him, he needs to let it go and move on, as it is still eating away at him.

Besides all that I do have empathy for Brian's children , he leaves behind a 14 year old son, and two daughters 16 and 18, and yes I do feel for Steve's sister as well.

It is so hard being stuck in the middle, my loyalties lie with my husband, because I went through all this with him, saw his pain, his hurt and anger and saw him nearly suffer a breakdown because of what his family did, but in times like this I do feel sorry for them as well, it was not that long ago that his other brother lost his son in a motorcycle accident, my husband was quite close to his nephew, but he would not attend the funeral, because of the others.

Thanks for letting me vent my friends, I have such mixed emotions about it all, I did not know my brother n law well, but I am glad his suffering is over and may he rest in peace, and his family find the courage and strength to get through this terrible time.

[Samantha Puppy]

Wow, that's sad on every level. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by this. :(

[ramanth]

*HUGS*

I can semi relate. When my step-grandma died, I went to the funeral only because my parents asked me too. (They were in Hawaii at the time and could not attend)

I have no issues with most of my step-family, but when my dad's dad remarried, she barely gave us (my parents and sisters) the time of day. A very shrewd woman but loving to her own children.

I say grieve in your own way and support your husband the best way you can.

*HUGS*

[carole]

Thank You for the advice, I really feel at odds about it all, I have to honestly say I am not grieving as such, I barely knew him, but as a human being I do feel sadness for his family left behind.

I feel I did not support my hubby last night, because he was so angry I had to keep him away, and I was a little mad at him for reacting so badly, he did come out in the end and told my other Brother n law that he had a damn cheek turning up here and to get off our property, and he did not say it as nice as that believe me.

I was torn between the two , I felt sorry for my other brother n law, who only came because he assumed it was the right thing to do.

It is different for me, as I am somewhat removed emotionally from the whole situation that did occurr, I still felt it all and went through it with my hubby, and that was hard, but it was not My family treating me this way, so I have to try to understand how my hubby still feels.

Yes it is a sad thing all around.

[tatsxxx11]

Oh Caroloe:(:(:( This really has put you in a terrible position. Being the caring, kind person that you are, of course your heart goes out to his family for their loss, especially the children:( It must have taken a lot for his brother to come deliver the sad news, risk the wrath of your husband, but it was the right thing to do. Families at odds sometimes have a change of heart with a loss, and I'm sure your brother in law felt he owed that to his brother, to tell him in person, just in case. I think your husband is probably dealing with a lot of mixed emotions right now, though he might not be expressing them. He is entitled to his feelings, but his feelings are not yours. Just be there for him if he needs you, support him as you can and take comfort in the fact that you were true to your own feelings of compassion for the family. My sympathies to the family on their great loss:(

[carole]

Thank you Sandra , your kind words help and put things into perspective, yes you are right, my feelings are mine, just as his are his.

This is the second loss in his family,it will not bring him back to them, maybe that is what they hope for, but neither one of them has tried in 3 years to reconcile with him or have any contact, as he put it to me, it is times like these that you want comfort from family, they lost all that from me , when they did what they did., and he has a good point there.

Things have a way of coming back at you,they cannot treat him as they did and then when something bad happens expect him to come running and offer anything, they don't deserve it believe me.

Yes I believe my brother n law was shattered at his reception, I tried pointing out to my hubby, it was not him who did these things , it was your sister and brother's, he may not have much part in it at all, he was not having a barr of that,maybe he did , maybe he didn't but he was only doing the right thing.

I want to send a sympathy card, I did when my nephew was killed, but my husband's name was not on it, I signed it from Carole and Family, it is a difficult one, because it is obvious steve did not want his name there, and that is kind of hurting them as well, but I feel I must send it all the same.

[moosmom]

Carole,

I'm sorry you have to go through this. All you can do is be there for your husband. It's very difficult when troubles tear a family apart. Life is too short. I only hope that with time, your husband's heart will heal. And don't EVER apologize for venting!! That's what friends are for. We are here for you!

[petslover]

Yeah Don't apologize for venting. Your a great person and we all are here for you. I am sorry to hear about your family and I hope everything works out for the better.

[aly]

Carole, I am so sorry. My prayers are with Brian's family during this hard time. How very sad :(

Feel free to vent any time you want. You're one of the most supportive people to others who need to vent, and its only fair that you have your time to release your frustrations too.

*HUGS*

[carole]

Thank you all, your words are very helpful and it is alway's wonderful to know I have such caring people here for me, you are all treasures in my life that I hold dear in my heart.:)

[catland]

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. Family estrangements are a terrible thing - I think your brother-in-law did the right thing, but there must be a great deal of hurt for your husband to react the way he did.

take care.

[Corinna]

I have a simular thing here with hubbys family. I just don't say anything and send cards on approprate days. I just sign them the Brubakers That could be me and the children of all of us. No onne needs to know.

[micki76]

Carole, you know my situation is very similar to your husband’s so I see his viewpoint. I can completely understand his anger. Just continue to do as you’ve been doing - be there for your husband. You and your children are all he feels he has left.

I’m sorry that your brother in law lost his fight with cancer.

{{{{{Hugs}}}} for you and Steve

[catnapper]

What a sad situation on many levels. I too can relate - sometimes things families do to one another is unforgivable. Even though we talk to hubby's sisters, I would love to disown them based on things they did to us the year we got married.

I hope the internal hurt inside your husband heals and that he comes to peace with whatever it was that hurt him. I hope your inlaws family has peace to move on after the loss of their husband and father.

[GraciesMommy]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this and being stuck in the middle..what a dilemma...the pain must be very deep for you husband..he is just going to have to deal with it in his own way..but you do what you feel like you should do in your own heart..You can be loyal to your husband and still show respect for your BIL's passing...its a tough thing for all of you..hugs

[Karen]

One great big hug to you. Dunno the particulars, don't have to. You saty true to your own gut, Carole, and we know you'll be the calm point amidst the storm. Anger is such a corrosive substance, I will hold you and your family in my prayers.

[carole]

I am glad I posted this because it has brought me great comfort just reading all your kind words, it is such a dilemma to be in , one I donot particularly enjoy.

I guess my other worry, is that my husband still has so much bitterness inside, well warranted granted, but it is not good for his well-being, a part of me thinks he has just been waiting for one of them to come on our property to have a go at them, so maybe in a funny way it will have helped him, to let go of some of that inner anger.

The thing is when my hubby's nephew died he did not grieve at all, and that still concerns me to this day, he and Craig were like buddies not uncle and nephew, and because of the family rift he would not go to his funeral, with Brian there is not the same closeness, and it will not effect him the same,it is the inner turmoil that continually worries me.

Thank you all , it has been so good to beable to express my feelings here, rather than keep it all inside , PT is a great outlet for releasing tension, emotions, and I am ever thankful to have found such precious people here.