What do you think about age differences in relationships?

[luckies4me]

What do you think about a 19 year old and a 25 year old dating? The 19 year old will be 20 shortly, if that makes a difference. :p I just want opinions.

[CathyBogart]

I don't think that's bad at all...

[Barbara]

6 years is a very normal difference if you look at married people. Of course it will play a bigger role if one is 14 and the other 20.

[sirrahved]

I think it depends more on the situation than the actual ages. I've seen totally healthy relationships with this age difference, and I've also seen not-so-healthy ones.

Then again, unhealthy relationships exist in every striation you could come up with, so...

Who is this 25 y/o? (now that you've got our attention!:D )

[luckies4me]

Hehe, I knew someone would ask that! I'm the 25 year old. ;)

[LoudLou]

My husband is exactly 10 years and 5 days older than I am. :D

[jenluckenbach]

I am 42. my husband of 21 years is 60. we met when I was 18 and he was 36.

[GraciesMommy]

I am remarried now but my ex was 40 when we got married and I was 23...17 years difference...and that had nothing to do with our getting a divorce..we were married 16 years.

[luckies4me]

Thanks everyone. I feel much better now. I just really like this guy a lot. But the age thing made me uneasy because my roomates were teasing me about it. I guess it shouldn't matter what other people say right? :) You guys made me feel a lot better.

[Karen]

It depends so much more on the maturity of the people involved than chronological age! ;) My mom was 4 years older than my Dad, which was unheard of - the ages were "supposed" to be reversed, according to her friends at the time, but they were all just delighted she was getting married. She got married on her 29th birthday, so was practically an "old maid" by their estimations!

[Barbara]

Originally posted by Karen
She got married on her 29th birthday, so was practically an "old maid" by their estimations!

You know that in Japan a girl as old as that is called a Christmas Cake? Because the Cake is no longer fresh after the 25th.

I always thought it very stupid to think like that. Of course there are marriages with very young people who work out well but in general if you marry too early it is more difficult.;)

[Tina]

I think it really depends on the people. My husband is 11 1/2 years older then me. He is 35 and I will 24 in May we have been married for almost 6 years.

[dukedogsmom]

Nothing to think about. That's not bad at all. Actually, I don't think it should matter at all. If people can be happy(as long as it's not breaking the law about it) I don't think it should matter. Happiness is happiness.

[ramanth]

My dad was under 21 when he married my mom (she's a couple years older than him)

My ex-bf was 5 years younger than I.

Andy is 5 years older than me. (I'm 27 and he's 32)

I think it all depends on where the age difference is. :)

[Samantha Puppy]

It depends on what you want. I am 26 and could NEVER be happy with a 20 year old. Why? Because they're at a very different place in life than I am. I want to come home from work and be with my husband. Not meet him at a bar/club and get drunk. I want to start a family in the next year or two, not yell at him for staying out until 2:30am for the 12th time in a row. I'm not saying every 19-20 year old's mindset is to get drunk, I'm just saying they aren't thinking like a 26 (or older) man would be. They're at the "I want to have fun" stage, having just been legally "liberated" from their parents.

To me, six years stops making such a different once the youngest person is in their later mid-20s like 26, 27. You've had your fun, you've had your "you" time and now you're ready to shape your future.

But that's just me. If you're not interested in settling down and this would make you happy, have your fun. I'm just telling you what would be going through my mind, that's all.

Good luck.

[Corinna]

My hubby is 3 years older. My dad is 7 years older than mom Daughters hubby is 37 and daughter23. Its not a issue in our family.

[Lilith Cherry]

My middle son's wife is eight years older than he is, my husband is 9 years older than I am younger son's wife six years younger, eldest sons wife, three months older.... age is not important. Maturity and shared values are far more important than age.

[LKPike]

my fiances 32 years older than me. I've always dated older, I've always been more mature than people my age. I'm just not interested in the games and immaturity of people my age :o

[CathyBogart]

I completely understand Samantha Puppy's POV...from the reverse. When my ex and I split up, I dated a guy who is nine years older than I am. He's a wonderful guy, and I love him dearly, but at this point in our lives our interests and goals are vastly too different. He has had his fun already, and I'm just starting to.

[moosmom]

Cass,

Age is a state of mind. ;)

[Fox-Gal]

I'm 46 and my husband is 28, so you can guess what I think about age differences. LOL I'm all for it. :D

I had a lot of friends tell me when we where dating, that it would never work, cut it off before I get hurt, that's sick, etc etc. I almost let them convince me that they might have a point. Thank God I didn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes you have to lead with your heart and not your mind, as long as no laws are not being broken. If your heart says yes to this, then ignore your friends, opinion and do what makes you happy. If they really are your friend they will want you to be happy, with who ever you find, 19 or not.

Just tell your roommate, it works for you and you'd like it if she accepted that and to drop the teasing.

She's just jealous any way. ;) :D lol

[Uabassoon]

I am older than Alexa by 4 years, while it's not that much of a difference it did bother me at first. She was 19 and I was 23, I felt like we were in two very different places. She was just getting started with school and figuring out what she wanted and I'd already been on my own for several years. I felt like she hadn't experienced enough to be ready for a serious relationship. I'd already gotten out all of my partying and dating and was ready to find someone I could be with for a long time.

Now, I realize that I was wrong and that with the right person age doesn't matter.

[carole]

Cass the years are not that much between you, but it really depends on how mature this guy is, to be honest most 19 year old males are not that mature, but there is always the exception to the rule.

Go with your feelings, some say there is nothing like having a toy boy in your life lol, you will know sooner or later if he is mature enough for you,somehow I rather doubt it though, but good luck anyhow.:)

[luckies4me]

Originally posted by Samantha Puppy
It depends on what you want. I am 26 and could NEVER be happy with a 20 year old. Why? Because they're at a very different place in life than I am. I want to come home from work and be with my husband. Not meet him at a bar/club and get drunk. I want to start a family in the next year or two, not yell at him for staying out until 2:30am for the 12th time in a row. I'm not saying every 19-20 year old's mindset is to get drunk, I'm just saying they aren't thinking like a 26 (or older) man would be. They're at the "I want to have fun" stage, having just been legally "liberated" from their parents.

To me, six years stops making such a different once the youngest person is in their later mid-20s like 26, 27. You've had your fun, you've had your "you" time and now you're ready to shape your future.

But that's just me. If you're not interested in settling down and this would make you happy, have your fun. I'm just telling you what would be going through my mind, that's all.

Good luck.

See that's the thing. I DON'T want to settle down at all. I don't even want to think about marriage for a VERY long time LOL. I just want to have fun right now. And we have a lot of fun together. I guess I've always been attracted to the younger crowd because I've always energy on hand. I'm up all night hanging out with friends. I'm still very young. He actually doesn't drink much. He's in school and planning his future. ;) Yes it's true we are definitely in different places, but should I let that stop us? I don't think so. As far as maturity is concerned, I tend to act more like a 15 year old when around my friends. WHY? Because I have nothing holding me back. There's no reason to be mature when you're just having fun, and that's the mind set I want to keep for awhile longer. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to party everynight etc. Like I said, I just want to have fun.

Plus all the guys I meet that are my age or above are just jerks. I couldnt even begin to explain to you...And this is exactly how I feel about older guys. Catherine said it perfectly! " He has had his fun already, and I'm just starting to"

Oh my. This made me laugh!

"Go with your feelings, some say there is nothing like having a toy boy in your life lol"

I guess I will just see how it goes. Yes, it may not work out, and actually we haven't really talked about it all that much. But it's obvious there is an attraction there. We've decided not to kiss anyone else (it sounds so silly) until we figure out what is going on between the two of us. We just don't want anyone to get hurt. If it doesn't work out, it was fun while it lasted! :p And I'm sure we'd remain friends. :)

I'll let you all know. hehe I am seeing him in a couple hours. :D

[RICHARD]

A few minutes can make a world of difference in any relationship.;)

[chelsea]

I like my men young, my bf is five years younger than me. ;)

[Uabassoon]

I DON'T want to settle down at all. I don't even want to think about marriage for a VERY long time LOL. I just want to have fun right now.

If that's your mind set right now then I don't see why age would matter at all. Just have fun and enjoy having him around.

[catnapper]

I'm 32, hubby is 41. Hubby says HE's more vibrant then me, the young one! :D

Age doesn't neccesarily matter, its the maturity of the person. Out of my three kids, its the youngest, 15, who is the most mature, She is heads and shoulders above my 18 year old in maturity.

[Glacier]

My husband is six years older than me. We met when I was 24. The age difference has never been an issue.

When I was 21, I dated a 45 year old. Even though things didn't work out, it was a fantastic relationship and we really do remain friends. The reasons we didn't work were not related to our age difference. He was a doll, is still one of the nicest men I've ever met. He taught me a great deal including some of what I wanted in a life partner. My husband is alot like him and me with the same love, gentleness and respect.

[Tonya]

I don't want to be stereotypical, but in general, I think being that men are much less mature then women. A 19 year old man is much different then a 19 year old women. Being a mother, I wouldn't want to date a 19 year old because of that. I need a man that is mature enough to understand that I am a mother and settled enough to deal with a family if things happen to get serious.

Before Mike, I dated a few guys that were 19-20ish. It'd be fun at first, but it never seemed to work out in the long run. I love to party and have fun, but I still wasn't available at every beckoned call. -I couldn't just take off out of the blue for a weekend, or be out drinking everynight. Things took planning because I had to find childcare and stuff, I had responsibilities. I had difficulties dating until I started dating guys that were a little older and more mature. I still had my fun and partied a bit, but they were understanding that motherhood came first.

My opinion is different then everyone else's and it's not what you want to hear....Sorry...

[CalliesMom]

Jason is a year younger than me, but acts 10 years younger than me. :o I think it depends upon the person and how mature they are...I think as long as you have lots in common, who cares about the age difference?

[Tonya]

Originally posted by CalliesMom
Jason is a year younger than me, but acts 10 years younger than me. :o I think it depends upon the person and how mature they are...I think as long as you have lots in common, who cares about the age difference?

Yeah, it seems to me like a 35 year old female dating a 29 year old male would work out because by 29, he's experienced life. But 25 dating a 19 year old...he's just out of highschool, he isn't even legal drinking age yet...probably hasn't worked for a living for very long, still getting out of the highschool mentality, etc...

I think the early 20's is a big growing period for people. There is alot to go through and be learned during that time. But of course, there are exceptions. I've met 40 year old men that act like 15 year old idiots, and 19 year old men that are mature and stable.

[luckies4me]

Originally posted by Tonya
I don't want to be stereotypical, but in general, I think being that men are much less mature then women. A 19 year old man is much different then a 19 year old women. Being a mother, I wouldn't want to date a 19 year old because of that. I need a man that is mature enough to understand that I am a mother and settled enough to deal with a family if things happen to get serious.

Before Mike, I dated a few guys that were 19-20ish. It'd be fun at first, but it never seemed to work out in the long run. I love to party and have fun, but I still wasn't available at every beckoned call. -I couldn't just take off out of the blue for a weekend, or be out drinking everynight. Things took planning because I had to find childcare and stuff, I had responsibilities. I had difficulties dating until I started dating guys that were a little older and more mature. I still had my fun and partied a bit, but they were understanding that motherhood came first.

My opinion is different then everyone else's and it's not what you want to hear....Sorry...

I'm just talking about dating, not a long term relationship or anything serious. I don't want seriousness right now. I have other thing to think about. Like I previously mentioned, I just want to have FUN. And the thing is, EVERY single guy I've met that is my age or older is a complete ass or liar/immature. Most of my friends are young because they actually have something worth while to say, are mature enough to not get me kicked out of a Target etc. I love my younger friends, and I don't really feel my age. I've always felt and acted younger than I actually am.

I was with Dan (30 years old mind you!) for 4 years and it was complete hell. He was by far the most immature guy I've been with. He acted as if he was 4. I want to be with someone I can hang out with, have an intellectual conversation with, someone who listens etc. Most of the guys my age just want to drink constantly! It's all about the stupid Indigo bar. You can't escape it here.

Plus I'm not looking for a father for Dylan. He has one.

[tikeyas_mom]

i dont see a problem with that at all... a good friend of mine just turned 18 and is dating a 26 year old, they have been together for a year!!!... i think depending on the two ppl and how mature they both are, then it is fine :). irather date an older man then a young boy though ... lol

[Desert Arabian]

Personally, I don't pay much attention to age difference- as long as it is reasonable. If a 13 year old was dating a 20 year old, I would not think that was acceptable. I pay more attention to everything but age- personality, sense of humor, intelligence, etc- things that count in a relationship.


I am more attracted to older guys because they are (generally) more mature, kinder, senseable, etc. You will never see me dating a guy from my high school or of high school age, because 99% of them are immature, rude, and only looking for one thing. Of course that is not true of ALL high school guys. My boyfriend is 18 (out of school), he will be 19 in May. When I look at him compared to the guys at my high school- wow, what a difference....

[Tonya]

Originally posted by luckies4me
I'm just talking about dating, not a long term relationship or anything serious. I don't want seriousness right now. I have other thing to think about. Like I previously mentioned, I just want to have FUN. And the thing is, EVERY single guy I've met that is my age or older is a complete ass or liar/immature. Most of my friends are young because they actually have something worth while to say, are mature enough to not get me kicked out of a Target etc. I love my younger friends, and I don't really feel my age. I've always felt and acted younger than I actually am.

I was with Dan (30 years old mind you!) for 4 years and it was complete hell. He was by far the most immature guy I've been with. He acted as if he was 4. I want to be with someone I can hang out with, have an intellectual conversation with, someone who listens etc. Most of the guys my age just want to drink constantly! It's all about the stupid Indigo bar. You can't escape it here.

Plus I'm not looking for a father for Dylan. He has one.

Yeah, I totally see what you are saying, and I understand the hell that you went through with Dan.

I think I am speaking more from my own experiences. I've never been able to detach myself from a guy...just say "This is for fun." My problem is that everytime that I dated a guy just to have fun, I wound up getting serious. So then I'd be hopelessly in love with a loser. I eventually changed my outlook and started dating only "marriage potential" guys just in case. I figured that way if I happen to fall in love, at least they're someone that I can deal with long term.

[popcornbird]

Honestly, while I'm pretty sure this is not something you'd want to hear, it is something I really feel the need to say.

Cass...you're not just any 'free-of-responsibility' 25 year old. You're a 25 year old woman with a child. You are a mother. You have responsibility...and in all honesty, I believe you should take care of that responsibility above everything. Your innocent, young child, should come before everything at this point. Sure, if you're taking care of your child and doing all you can to be responsible for your child, go and have all the 'fun' you want. It just saddens me that we don't hear about him anymore, and I wonder how or where he is. I can't seem to comprehend how the mother of a toddler can have time for this sort of fun anyway. Dylan is your responsibility. You need to be there for him all the time. You're his mother. He's just a toddler, and at an age when children NEED their mother, more than anyone in the world. Toddlers need their mother...more than their father, more than their siblings, more than their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Moms come first to such young children, and when you're a mom, you should be responsible about everything in your child's life before thinking about getting involved in relationships JUST for fun and not out of sincerity for the long-run. If it was out of sincerity, I would take it differently...but when its JUST for fun and you have a child that should be your full-time responsibility right now,...well...that just makes me feel something. Just my honest opinion...and I hope you don't take this negatively. It is said only out of concern.

That being said, regarding the issue of age differences, I say it depends. If it were a 25 year old guy with a 19 year old girl, I wouldn't really have a problem with it. When its a 19 year old guy though...I can't see a 19 year old GUY being mature, sincere, respectful, etc. While there are exceptions, I know how guys my age are. They are JERKS....mostly, and usually do not respect women. They usually only want women for their own 'male desires' at that age. That is an age when the hormones of guys are gone crazy. 19 year old girls are more mature. Most 19 year old guys are still, just 'boys'...hormone-crazy boys at that. I would say you should be careful and mature in whatever step you take...while remembering that your child comes before everyone and everything. Age differences of 6 years are usually no big deal, but I personally prefer the girl to be younger (in a 19-25 year old relationship...I see it differently when both are older)...because guys mature later than girls.

[Tonya]

I don't want it to seem like I'm attacking you, but PCB just said something that I have been thinking but haven't had the nerve to say. There are a few choices and decisions that I made when Jaden was younger that I truly regret. I am so glad that he was to young to remember and that I realized my responsibilies before it was to late. Cass, I'm saying this out of love not criticism. Be sure that Dylan is your #1 man. If you don't, you will regret it someday.

[BCBlondie]

I completely agree with everything Pops said.

[luckies4me]

Originally posted by popcornbird
Honestly, while I'm pretty sure this is not something you'd want to hear, it is something I really feel the need to say.

Cass...you're not just any 'free-of-responsibility' 25 year old. You're a 25 year old woman with a child. You are a mother. You have responsibility...and in all honesty, I believe you should take care of that responsibility above everything. Your innocent, young child, should come before everything at this point. Sure, if you're taking care of your child and doing all you can to be responsible for your child, go and have all the 'fun' you want. It just saddens me that we don't hear about him anymore, and I wonder how or where he is. I can't seem to comprehend how the mother of a toddler can have time for this sort of fun anyway. Dylan is your responsibility. You need to be there for him all the time. You're his mother. He's just a toddler, and at an age when children NEED their mother, more than anyone in the world. Toddlers need their mother...more than their father, more than their siblings, more than their grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Moms come first to such young children, and when you're a mom, you should be responsible about everything in your child's life before thinking about getting involved in relationships JUST for fun and not out of sincerity for the long-run. If it was out of sincerity, I would take it differently...but when its JUST for fun and you have a child that should be your full-time responsibility right now,...well...that just makes me feel something. Just my honest opinion...and I hope you don't take this negatively. It is said only out of concern.



You obviously think I am pretty out of it to have posted this. OF COURSE my son comes first! He has me and his father. He has what he needs. I can have all the fun I want. I am going to do what *I* want to do. It's not like I'm going to be introducing him to Dylan. I am not. I don't introduce anyone to Dylan. I keep that out of our relationship. Age has nothing to do with that issue either. It wouldn't matter if the person I was dating is 29, 40 whatever. But right now in my life I DO NOT want anything serious. Yes, I just want to have fun and why the heck should I deny myself that kind of happiness? I don't want a relationship right now. Nor do I plan on having one for a long time. I don't NEED one, and frankly I don't see how this is any different than hanging out with any person who is a guy/friend.

This isn't about my personal life. It's about a question I had regarding age differences, not my parenting choices. If you wish to talk about that you can PM me. Dylan doesn't live with me right now and that is good for him. He lives with his dad. It's more convenient for him. I am NOT taking him out of his house where he is comfortable. Maybe one day but at this time it's not what is best for him. He needs to be comfortable. And frankly I don't see how anyone who hasn't had a child and left an unstable relationship can have room to talk. You do not know what it is like to be a mother.

Just because I don't post about him anymore doesn't mean he isn't well cared for. I am a very busy person. I have a job, pets to care for, a child to raise. I can't sit here on Pet Talk all day with daily accounts of what goes on in my life. And if you payed attention to my threads you would see I have posted photos of Dylan not too long ago. I do not have my own computer and can only upload photos when I have the chance to use my roomates. Right now I am stuck on a very old computer in the living room lucky enough to be able to post here. I am sorry I do not update on my son, but I don't think I should have to.

Plus I'm very active in another online community now, and I usually update there. I am sharing custody. I do have time for a social life, and even if I had Dylan full time I would make sure I had a social life, because if anyone denyed themselfs that it would drive them crazy. I don't think going out a couple of times a week to see a movie, or hanging out with your best friend on the weekend means I am neglecting my child.

[luckies4me]

Originally posted by Tonya
Be sure that Dylan is your #1 man. If you don't, you will regret it someday.

What is this? Of course he is. Dylan comes before ANYTHING, and always will. Now I will not get into this further. This is going off topic. I just asked a simple question in regards to age, not the way I bring up my son.

And just because some 19 year old guys are jerks, thinking of only sex etc this one isn't and honestly, my younger friends are VERY much more mature than any jerkoff guy my age or older. It's a complete turn around. They are much more mature, NOT only thinking about sex, actually doing something with their life instead of drinking their life away etc. Find me an older GOOD man and by golly I'd grab at the chance in a heartbeat. They just don't exist here.

[popcornbird]

Originally posted by luckies4me
I don't want a relationship right now. Nor do I plan on having one for a long time. I don't NEED one, and frankly I don't see how this is any different than hanging out with any person who is a guy/friend.



But...if it isn't a relationship, then isn't it just a friend? In that case, why would you even need age difference advice? :p

[luckies4me]

Originally posted by popcornbird
But...if it isn't a relationship, then isn't it just a friend? In that case, why would you even need age difference advice? :p

Gosh darnet you beat me! LOL. I was going to post before you. Heh. Well yes in a way. I guess I am just sick of being alone. I don't want a relationship but I want to be connected with someone. I don't know. It's hard to understand and I can't really explain. Wanted to apologize for snapping at you and Tonya though. I'm sick and a bit "off" today. I guess it would be a relationship. =/ Just please understand that Dylan will always come first in my life, no matter what. I am doing my very best for him right now. But I too want to be happy.

[luckies4me]

Oh and I'll try posting some pics of him soon. I've just been EXTREMELY busy lately!!!

[Cataholic]

Originally posted by luckies4me

Just because I don't post about him anymore doesn't mean he isn't well cared for. I am a very busy person. I have a job, pets to care for, a child to raise. I can't sit here on Pet Talk all day with daily accounts of what goes on in my life.

Plus I'm very active in another online community now, and I usually update there. I am sharing custody. I do have time for a social life, and even if I had Dylan full time I would make sure I had a social life, because if anyone denyed themselfs that it would drive them crazy. I don't think going out a couple of times a week to see a movie, or hanging out with your best friend on the weekend means I am neglecting my child.



WOW. Course, WOW is what I normally think when I read your posts. I have a 4.5 month old. Maybe the newness wears off? I don't know that yet. However, this is how I describe my life:

I have a son, a full time job that takes me away from him too much for my liking, pets that get most everything I have left AFTER Jonah, and a 'online' community that maybe gets 20 minutes a day? Maybe?

A social life? Frankly, the day I delivered Jonah that took such a huge leap backwards. My 'social life' is the workplace. My 'hanging out with my best friend' means I go to work. Going to a movie a couple times a week? Nah. That is time that is better spent with Jonah, or, doing his laundry, or, reading to him, or playing on the floor with him.

Worrying about age differences in men when you just got out of a long term relationship with Dylan's father? YIKES. Your number one man is DYLAN.

Check your priorities before Dylan pays more than he already has. It isn't fair. He wasn't asked to be born.

And, as you soooooooooo politely (NOT) told me and a couple of friends when I posted something that YOU chose to take another way, "too bad, maybe she shouldn't post her personal life on the internet".

Gotcha. As they say, "paybacks are heck".

MOMMY.

[Logan]

Cass, sorry, but you need to get over yourself. You give us the parts of your life (new pets, new baby pets, new guys, etc) that you want us to see, but you just want us to trust you on the other parts. Maybe you've exposed us to too much over the last couple of years. But, YES, I would love to hear more about Dylan, including how much you are with him, what he is doing, how he is doing, etc. I know that isn't pet related, but neither is the "age differences in relationships". You chose to share much of your personal life with us, and we've been here through thick and thin. Keep us up to date on how much time you are spending with your son and how he is doing! We want to know about the pets too! What kind of job do you have? Is it pet related? I might have missed something, but I am interested, but I'm also holding you accountable!

I married at 22. I had a baby at 28. I divorced at 30. My primary focus was and still is my daughter, who will turn 14 years old on Saturday. It took 10 years for me to open myself up to find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't looking.......I found a life for Helen and me, minus a "man". It was the best place I could ever get to, to tell you the truth. What a blessing to figure out that I was ok, regardless of whether I had a husband or a boyfriend.

But, to answer your question, he is 5 years younger than me. Would I have been attracted to him at 25? Probably not! There is no rule where relationships are concerned as is proven by the posts on this thread.

[lizbud]

Originally posted by Logan
Cass, sorry, but you need to get over yourself. You give us the parts of your life (new pets, new baby pets, new guys, etc) that you want us to see, but you just want us to trust you on the other parts. Maybe you've exposed us to too much over the last couple of years. But, YES, I would love to hear more about Dylan, including how much you are with him, what he is doing, how he is doing, etc. I know that isn't pet related, but neither is the "age differences in relationships". You chose to share much of your personal life with us, and we've been here through thick and thin. Keep us up to date on how much time you are spending with your son and how he is doing! We want to know about the pets too! What kind of job do you have? Is it pet related? I might have missed something, but I am interested, but I'm also holding you accountable!



Amen to that ! Logan, I am sooo proud of you for speaking
your mind.:D I agree completely.

[LKPike]

I've gone through her most recent posts and I don't see anything rude or unneccesary said by her. Though I do see it by a couple of you in this thread :( Maybe I'm missing something so whatever rude thing shes said in a thread or response, I'd really like to see it. Until then shes innocent in my book and only turned to you people for some friendly advice.

Jeez, I thought this was a "friendly" board. Definatly NOT. Theres no reason to be so rude, even in the "dog house".

My 2 cents for you is to COOL OFF.

Come back, with manners, please.


(Luckies I hope the other online community your involved with is nicer towards your questions and comments)

[cali]

I think it depends, my mom and dad are 10 years apart, at a younger age it sounds horrable, like when my mom was 6 my dad was 16. or when my mom was 10 my dad was 20 now though my mom is 39 and my dad is 49 so it does not sound so horrable anymore lol

[Logan]

Originally posted by LKPike
I've gone through her most recent posts and I don't see anything rude or unneccesary said by her. Though I do see it by a couple of you in this thread :( Maybe I'm missing something so whatever rude thing shes said in a thread or response, I'd really like to see it. Until then shes innocent in my book and only turned to you people for some friendly advice.

Jeez, I thought this was a "friendly" board. Definatly NOT. Theres no reason to be so rude, even in the "dog house".

My 2 cents for you is to COOL OFF.

Come back, with manners, please.


(Luckies I hope the other online community your involved with is nicer towards your questions and comments)

Are you directing this at me? And at Liz? Just wondering so I can respond, properly. I think that even Cass would tell you that I have been more than supportive her in the past, and still am. I don't know of anything I said that can be classified as "rude", but if I was, I would like your take on it. i am concerned about Cass's son..........as I assume she is. I just want to hear more about him and her interaction with him as I understand the mother/child relationship and how important it is.

Logan

[carole]

I think what people are saying here, is that if you share your personal life with us all, you have to expect to take the negative responses with the positive, people are only responding as such out of pure concern for Cass, and in her heart she knows that, but it may seem as a personal attack on her as a mother, and naturally she will be there to defend herself.

I don't see any problem with Cass having a social life, infact I would encourage it, I did not do that, I became almost a recluse and I don't think it did me or my child any good., as a result I was lonely and unhappy, that is bound to bounce off on your child.

I think as along as she is not introducing Dylan to him, what is the problem, she can still be a good mother, and have some fun, my only warning is be careful, feelings can get hurt, and you could get in way over your head., I think because Cass has had the serious stuff and it was hard and did not work out, she is sensible to not get involved seriously with anyone just yet, as she is still in the healing process.

Also just because Cass wants a social life, does not in anyway make her a bad mother, or one neglecting her responsibility's,there is a way to have both, and many people do, I have never doubted for one moment Cass and her devotion to her child, I am suprised that many of you do.

However I must say Cass I doubt any 19 year old male is very mature, but if that is not what you are looking for, and it does not bother you, then go for it.

[CamCamPup33]

Originally posted by Logan
Cass, sorry, but you need to get over yourself. You give us the parts of your life (new pets, new baby pets, new guys, etc) that you want us to see, but you just want us to trust you on the other parts. Maybe you've exposed us to too much over the last couple of years. But, YES, I would love to hear more about Dylan, including how much you are with him, what he is doing, how he is doing, etc. I know that isn't pet related, but neither is the "age differences in relationships". You chose to share much of your personal life with us, and we've been here through thick and thin. Keep us up to date on how much time you are spending with your son and how he is doing! We want to know about the pets too! What kind of job do you have? Is it pet related? I might have missed something, but I am interested, but I'm also holding you accountable!

I married at 22. I had a baby at 28. I divorced at 30. My primary focus was and still is my daughter, who will turn 14 years old on Saturday. It took 10 years for me to open myself up to find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. I wasn't looking.......I found a life for Helen and me, minus a "man". It was the best place I could ever get to, to tell you the truth. What a blessing to figure out that I was ok, regardless of whether I had a husband or a boyfriend.

But, to answer your question, he is 5 years younger than me. Would I have been attracted to him at 25? Probably not! There is no rule where relationships are concerned as is proven by the posts on this thread.

I agree 100%.

[Edwina's Secretary]

LKP...I see you have been on here since September. You may have noticed that Logan and Liz have been on here a long, long time, as have I.

NEVER....I repeat....NEVER have I known either of them to be rude.

Just because something is not what you or someone else want to hear does not make it "rude."

[carole]

I agree Logan and Liz have only said what they did out of pure concern for Cass, whether it was what she wanted to hear or not is another story, but when you post about your personal life you have to expect all kind of answers I think.:)

[Tonya]

LKPIKE, Dylan has grown up with us. We all fell in love with him through cute stories and baby pictures. We've been with Cass through her horrible relationship with Dan.

When I divorced my first husband, I remember that liberating feeling. After being in an abusive relationship, no one was going to stop me from being me. I had custody of Jaden, but there were plenty of days where I was so hungover that I layed around all day. I should have been playing with him and giving him more attention. Within a month or two, I quickly came to my senses and realized that I was on the wrong track. I was taking care of ME to much and not Jaden.

I've never said anything, to you Cass because I remember how bad my heart hurt when my parents had the talk with me. It tore my heart up to have my mothering criticized. I felt as if they were saying that I didn't love my son. At the time, I was defensive and didn't agree. Looking back now, I am so greatful that they said something.

I could name several posts and incidences that make me feel that you are making those same mistakes. But I'm going to leave it at that, there is no reason for me to point things out. I know in your heart you know what is going on and that you love Dylan. I just hope that your priorites change.

[popcornbird]

Johanna, Logan, Tonya...ditto, ditto, ditto.

LKPike, truely, we are all speaking out of concern. You've only been here for 4 months. You wouldn't understand where we're coming from. We've been here for years. Cass has been here for years. She, truely, chose to expose so much of her life to us. Having been here for years, it now feels like we all know each other personally here, to a certain extent...so when we post in this manner, it is out of concern. NOT out of criticism, not out of hatred...only out of concern, and it is because we've gotten to know so much about each other over the past few years that we have this concern for fellow PT'ers.

Cass, while you are right on me not being a mother and not having experience on this issue, I am speaking from the way I see things right now. I may be wrong, I may be right...I may be somewhere in between...BUT...I just cannot seem to visualize a mother of a (3 year old?) having the time to go about getting involved in 'relationships just for fun'...for some reason. To me, a child is a FULL TIME job...a HUGE responsibility. Personally, I don't like 'just for fun' relationships to begin with. Why? Because I feel women deserve respect and are not created for men to use, abuse, and discard. SO MANY women in today's society are treated just like that. They go through this hormonal stage, when guys want them for their desires. The guys might 'love' them at the beginning. They'll have their 'fun' with them. Then? Well they just use them for their own desires and often end up abandoning them and going for another girl. Guys don't have the hearts women have. It won't hurt a guy like it would hurt the girl. The guy might not even care too much in the end. The girl will be torn apart. This is an issue that happens SO much in today's society, and its an issue that has scarred many girls for life. I see it everyday at school. I see girls crying and complaining about losing the one they loved, and saying they feel betrayed. I see how these girls are treated...and truely, it makes me feel something. I feel for them. I feel for those girls who go through so much and through so many relationships and heartbreaks before getting the right person. Sometimes, they never get the right person. Sometimes, they suffer for their entire lives because of these things...because of 'just for fun' relationships. It scares me because I'm a girl too. I would hate, absolutely HATE to fall in love with someone (and I know it happens when you get involved in relationships), and then, just lose him. For me, relationships are either serious, or nothing. For me, it goes no other way. I would hate to get involved with a person like that, knowing it was just temporary and not for life. I would be CRUSHED...in all honesty, to lose the person I got a longing to. I know sometimes things happen. Sometimes relationships are not meant to be. Sometimes divorces happen. I just cannot comprehend why anyone would get involved in 'temporary realtionships' on purpose. Why do something that would hurt you in the end on purpose? Why? Especially when one has the responsibility of a child. When you have a child, every decision you make, whether the child is aware of it or not, WILL affect the child. Sometimes, if mistakes are made, children will grow up and blame their parents about things in their lives. You need to be careful when your kids are young. I KNOW I'm not a mother, but I'm trying to mentally prepare myself, because I do hope to be a mother someday, in the years to come. That, like I said, is how I see things for ME. Of course you probably see it in a totally different way and may not understand my point, but do know that everything I said is out of concern only. I don't believe in giving guys what they want when it is just for fun. It causes too much emotional heartbreak. Too much. Is it healthy to get involved in fun relationships and then break up or end it because they weren't intended to be serious? Is it worth it? Will its effects be worth it when you have a child to care for? I don't know. I haven't experienced it. My mind tells me it would hurt too much though.

That being said, I still cannot understand how a mother can have the time, even if you're ok with that whole issue. I think when you're a mother, your child should come before everything. I know that when I have children someday, I will compromise SO many of my 'fun' activities...my socialization, etc. for them. I truely believe being a mother is a full time job. You HAVE TO compromise much of your life when you have children. Life cannot continue to be the same as it was when you were young after mommyhood. I know being a mom isn't easy. Its hard work. Its supposed to be hard work. The fruit of being a sincere, loving, a devoted mother would be the best fruit a person could ask for. You need to see what the priorities are in your life, and then make decisions. We all do. I know you love Dylan dearly. I only know your life as you have related it to us, so I could be totally off, but this is what I know. Again, you chose to tell us so much about your life, so please don't take it negatively when we get concerned about such things.

[Kfamr]

I'm glad someone finally said something about the Dylan situation.. i've been wondering. :(

[luckies4me]

Look, Dylan is fine OK. Sheesh. As I said Dan and I split custody. When he wants to go out (and believe me, he does a lot) he has either I or a babysitter watch him. Is that bad? Not at all, as long as he isn't doing it every night. We all need our own social time, and believe me, if we didn't Dylan would not be happy. He has a great family support system. I don't see how each of the parents "moving on" is having bad effects on Dylan. He is a bright, loving child. He's in daycare right now while Dan works. He has a routine that he's comfortable with, and I see him as much as I can. As soon as I move (on the first of next month) Dan and I will be taking turns caring for Dylan. I will have him one week, and Dan the next. etc etc etc.

I don't go out everynight. Maybe twice a week at the most, and I am allowed that freedom because we split custody. If I had Dylan full time of course I wouldn't have the time. I'd be lucky enough to get out once a month, but Dan and I are helping eachother, taking the load off and keeping the stress levels down. I've seen what stress overload does to a child, and believe me, sometimes Dan NEEDS a break! I was talking to Moosmom online the other day about a circumstance regarding a toy I had purchased for Dylan at Toys R Us. Dylan can get frustrated easily with toys, as most children do. It was one of those wooden toys that you hammer pegs. He kept getting frustrated and saying (in such a cute voice mind you :D) "Mommy, I can't do it. I can't do it". I told him he could do it, he just needed to try harder and focus on what the goal of the toy was. Now Dan on the other hand was getting frustrated and told Dylan he would take the toy away if he kept whining. He didn't offer encouragement. So I worked with him for about 20 minutes and he got the hang of it. :) You should have seen the smile on his face!!! "I did it mom, I did it!" was what he said. Then after that he was fine. He just needed a little encouragement. Now, obviously Dan was stressed that day and needed a break. It was good I was there at that time. I am there for my child when he needs me. I love him bunches! :D

He's my child and I will always do what I see fit to make him as happy as possible. He still has both of his parents, whom love him very much.

[Fox-Gal]

Just so there's no confusion on what I say, this has nothing to do with luckies4me or anyone else for that matter. Just stating a different way of looking at things.

Single mothers need a life outside of their children, just as a husband and wife need time away from their children. It allows for happier people and that makes for happier parents.

Children are much more in tune then we give them credit for. If their parent have given up "everything" for them, denning themselves in the process, that can't help but change the parent. Children sense this. Children need happy parents to grow up to be happy children. Just as in cases of parents staying together for the sake of the children. Children would rather have 2 separate happy parents, then 2 parents together, un-happy. (studies have shown)

If that means going out and having a "just for fun relationships", then you should do it. It should not matter if your going out with your girlfriends or a man. That's what I don't understand, what difference does the sex make? If your going out with the girls no one thinks a thing about it, but once you say it's a man, somehow it changes. :confused: This should not matter at all. Man, woman or alien, makes no difference as long as you know were your priorities are and are mature enough to handle a "just for fun relationship"

Never deny yourself, if it's something you really need to make you a more complete happier person. In the long run, your child will be happier, because he was raised by a happy mother. No child wants to be raised by a lonely parent.... Loneliness shows, inside and out. There is a happy middle, to where no one suffers, child or mother.

[My Peanuts]

Honestly, I really don't think any of it is our business. We don't know the whole story with Dylan and none of us ever will. Every situation is unique and unless your life was EXACTLY the same as Cass's, then we can't judge her. I understand the concern for Dylan, and I know most of you ask with love and not malice, but we simply can't judge a person's decisions and reasoning. I don't have kids myself, but when I do I don't want people criticizing my decisions. I'm sure Cass is doing what is best for her son at this time. Under the circumstances, there is nothing wrong with her going out and having fun. If the time comes that Dylan lives with her, I'm pretty sure she won't be going out all night. This isn't directed at anyone's comments specifically.

Cass, as long as Dylan is taken care of and in the best situation for him, then go out and have fun :).

As for your age question, As long as both parties are over 18 I see nothing wrong with it. If an 18 year old wants to date a 60 year old and they are happy, then it's none of my business.

[luckies4me]

Thank you. :)

[aly]

Originally posted by My Peanuts

As for your age question, As long as both parties are over 18 I see nothing wrong with it. If an 18 year old wants to date a 60 year old and they are happy, then it's none of my business.

I agree with that. I personally might feel uncomfortable with someone a lot older or a lot younger than me, but I don't think there's any problems with 2 people of any age (over 18) being together. None of my business and doesn't bother me (except in cases like Anna Nicole Smith and Hugh Hefner, ew, hehe).

[carole]

I am so with Fox-gal on this one, her comments make sense, I was one of those mother's and probably still am who give 100 per cent and then some to my children, it is not always healthy for either child or parent, I wished in hindsight I had given myself a bit more of a life when I was single parenting my first child, it is a little different now because there are two of us and I can get the time I so need to take time out.

IMO that is all Cass is doing taking time out, every parent on the earth needs that, and whether it is with a male companion or female , it should not matter.

It sounds like Dylan has the best of both worlds to me, he is no longer caught up with two parents bickering and miserable, he now gets one on one time with each parent, not all custody arrangements are so amicable.

With Cass and Dan getting their own personal space now and then, this makes them both able to cope better, and makes a happier parent who can indeed IMO parent better, and therefore you have a happier child, a much improved situation all round.

I understand where PCB and Tonya are coming from as well, they are only concerned and fear that Cass will use her new found freedom in a negative way, as we all can do sometimes, but I think she is more sensible not to get involved in serious relationships at the moment, indeed did Cass not do that with her internet boyfriend, so maybe she feels it is time just to have some fun and not get hurt yet again.

[Oggyflute]

Well my partner just turned 46, and I am 40. We have been together for 7 years now and still going strong. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with the lady of the relationship being the older of the two. Any relationship no matter what the age is going to work giving that it's with love, respect and understanding.

[catnapper]

Taking this conversation away from the age thing for a moment... I think there is a delicate line a parent must follow -- too much dedication to their child and the parent suffers from a sense of individuality. They loose themselves and become so-and-so's parent. They define themselves as that, and nothing else. For years, my husband was a single father and he devoted (and still does) his life to the kids .He was merely dad. Today, he's still in that role and I often see it this way: He is dad first, husband second, teacher third. Which is fine that he is so devoted to the kids. Really it is. BUT there comes the times where he lives his life merely to serve them. That gets scary. I see him dog-tired right now. He NEEDS to be in bed because he's been sick for over a month now. He's short tempered and exhausted. But does he get to bed when he needs to? noooo... because he's the willing taxi driver for the kids' BOYFRIENDs. Yes, thats right, a boyfriend comes over after school and stays til his curfew of 10:00 and hubby drives him home. The kids know I think thats nuts and won't drive him home, his own MOTHER won't come get him because she thinks the same thing. So hubby does it. Thats just one exapmle of him living and 'sacrificing' everything for the kids. You can't live your life for the kids. You have to have a balance where you have life for yourself and your kids. Because it ends up hurting eveyone in the longrun. Like now for instance, he's fried. He's exhausted, and he's sick. Yet he keeps running for them. :rolleyes:

Then on the other hand, I see what Tonya and PCB is afraid of, and they DO have valid points, where going out to the movies a few times a week might be selfish. You can have a life, you can have friendships... but you need to be home when your son is too. I think you are doing that (it sounds as if the night out are nights your son is with his father... am I right?) Its too easy to fall into a selfish "I'm just having fun" mode after you have experienced a few years of utter hell. And sometimes that "just having fun" mode overtakes and blinds you from taking perfect care of a child. Not to say that you are doing that, just that many people do.

There needs to be a give and take, where you are there for your child in any way they beed you, but you also find time to take care of your own needs. When children are younger, its imperative you be there for them more than taking care of yourself. But as they age, and reach school, etc... you can start reclaiming your life as your own. And by the time they are teenagers ,there shold be a proper balance of respect from both sides.

[luckies4me]

Dylan is in bed by 8 anyway, and we don't go out until after that. ;)

[slick]

I have not read this whole thread but let me throw my two cents worth in here.

My Mom and Dad married in 1948. She was 24 and he was 44. They had a very happy marriage until he passed in 1995. A success story.

I had a two year relationship with a man 16 yrs older than me. It was very destructive and verbally abusive. We had different views on things and I do believe that the age difference was the main cause of so much unhappiness. Not the only cause, but the main one. An unsuccessful story.

I have no problems with age differences at all, however I have no intention of getting involved with man ever again. Been there, done that. I'm happy living the single life.

[Oggyflute]

Originally posted by slick
I have not read this whole thread but let me throw my two cents worth in here.

My Mom and Dad married in 1948. She was 24 and he was 44. They had a very happy marriage until he passed in 1995. A success story.

I had a two year relationship with a man 16 yrs older than me. It was very destructive and verbally abusive. We had different views on things and I do believe that the age difference was the main cause of so much unhappiness. Not the only cause, but the main one. An unsuccessful story.

I have no problems with age differences at all, however I have no intention of getting involved with man ever again. Been there, done that. I'm happy living the single life.

I thought the same thing Slick, until I met Carole. When that special person comes along, it's probably when you least expext it. My sister was in an abusive relationship which thankfully ended a while ago now. She is with another man who is just a saint and couldn't be happier.

[CalliesMom]

I don't know any of the circumstances dealing with Luckies4me or any other PTer, so I will leave that topic alone. I also do not have kids and am basing my opinion on things I have witnessed in my brother's marriage. My brother is a consultant and is gone far too much for a man who has two very young children (I love my brother don't get me wrong...I think his career choices are very selfish). My sister-in-law, in all aspects and reality, was a single mother and never, ever had time for herself. Yes, your child should be your #1 priority but I also do not think you should define yourself as a person based upon your children. You are not just a mother, but a woman who might enjoy reading, working out, yoga, etc etc. She was ran ragged; she never had free time for herself--you know, those five minutes each day we ALL NEED to stop, think, and regroup. I think everyone deserves a time out on their own, even just for once or twice a month to see the forest through the trees. Eventually, your children will grow up and if you base your entire existence around them, then what? I do not think a parent should be out every weekend partying, getting drunk, whatever. BUT hiring a babysitter every once in a while IS A GOOD THING.

Things became so bad, but sister-in-law's mother and husband moved in with them. :eek: Those are completely different issues that I don't agree with either, but it's not my life. Of course, my brother has been gone for a month in Europe working...:( I just don't see us ever having come from the same family. Our priorities are completely different.

[luckies4me]

I've never been much for partying. In highschool I was VERY quiet, and am still a very shy person, but sometimes you just NEED to go out and trust me, if I didn't I would definitely be crazy by now. I get stressed very easily and cannot be cooped up inside of the house. If we are going out after Dylan is asleep and are there in the morning when he wakes up, we are still there for him when he needs us to be. We went to 80's night Thursday (Dan and I) and had a blast. We didn't go for the drinks, we went for the people. To meet new people is just exciting. I'm a BIG music person and honestly I would probably be dead right now without it, so just going and listening to the music mooved me more than one can imagine.

I guess I just have different views when it comes to parenting. I've seen the way and KNOW the way I want my child to grow up. As long as their life is full of love and happiness (and sometimes I think he can't get any happier) LOL that's all that matters. :)

[K9soul]

Many people have spoken thoughts I have had over the past few months. I always tell myself it's not my business, but when someone chooses to post so much about their personal life, it is almost impossible not to form opinions on such things. Whether what I have seen and the conclusions I have drawn are correct, I do not honestly know. What I can honestly say is that no matter how happy and settled a child seems, a divorce or separation IS hard on them. I realize it may be just as hard, or harder, to live with both parents who are unhappy and angry all the time, but separation of family brings about a lot of insecurities, even if just subconsciously. I'm speaking as someone who grew up with divorced parents, separated from my dad's side of the family and separated from my sister. Honestly it'd feel a little more realistic to me if I saw reports of some of the problems that were going on with little Dylan, instead of "everything is just perfect and happy" because it's hard to believe that. Life is never that way.

I generally hold thoughts like this to myself, but on the off chance it might cause you to really take a look inside yourself on the choices you are making, Cass, I felt I would voice them. But then, I am also a stodgy 30-year old ;). Please do not feel you must defend or justify yourself, or tell me I am right or wrong in my thinking. I only ask you simply read my words and either dismiss them or consider them as you will.

As far as the original topic (and I'm sorry for derailing it a bit), David is 3 years older than I am, and I like our closeness in age personally as we are in the same stages of life together. But I believe it's a personal thing and may be different from person to person. As long as it is not an older person with a minority, I think it is up to the couple.

[sammy101]

i dont have a problem with age differences.If they love eachother,go for it!:)

[luckies4me]

Originally posted by K9soul
Many people have spoken thoughts I have had over the past few months. I always tell myself it's not my business, but when someone chooses to post so much about their personal life, it is almost impossible not to form opinions on such things. Whether what I have seen and the conclusions I have drawn are correct, I do not honestly know. What I can honestly say is that no matter how happy and settled a child seems, a divorce or separation IS hard on them. I realize it may be just as hard, or harder, to live with both parents who are unhappy and angry all the time, but separation of family brings about a lot of insecurities, even if just subconsciously. I'm speaking as someone who grew up with divorced parents, separated from my dad's side of the family and separated from my sister. Honestly it'd feel a little more realistic to me if I saw reports of some of the problems that were going on with little Dylan, instead of "everything is just perfect and happy" because it's hard to believe that. Life is never that way.

I generally hold thoughts like this to myself, but on the off chance it might cause you to really take a look inside yourself on the choices you are making, Cass, I felt I would voice them. But then, I am also a stodgy 30-year old ;). Please do not feel you must defend or justify yourself, or tell me I am right or wrong in my thinking. I only ask you simply read my words and either dismiss them or consider them as you will.

As far as the original topic (and I'm sorry for derailing it a bit), David is 3 years older than I am, and I like our closeness in age personally as we are in the same stages of life together. But I believe it's a personal thing and may be different from person to person. As long as it is not an older person with a minority, I think it is up to the couple.

Thank you for your input. My parents too are divorced, and I honestly can say I'd be living in hell if they ever stayed together!!! I was 4 at the time, and though there were some negative effects on me, I am so proud of my parents for not staying together just for the sake of the children. I honestly think this is the best that that's happened to Dylan. I can only wonder what on earth he would be living with if we were still together. It would be absolutely horrid for him. :(

Dylan doesn't really have any problems except his speech, in which case that was going on before Dan and I split. He's gotten a lot better though! He's doing wonderful and his daycare teacher thinks he's far more advanced in some subjects than most kids. He's just very quiet. Which is understandable as both Dan and I are the same way.

My son is fine. Trust me. I know him like no other here. ;)

[IRescue452]

I always said I would never date anybody more than 5 years older than me, but here I am at 20 years old dating and in love with a 32 year old. I say he is perfert for me except for the age, and I will probably never again find Mr. Perfect. That stuff sure does blow up in your face!

[luckies4me]

Well we are doing very well! :D