Did I overreact?

[LuckyDog]

I got so totally fed up with hubby today to the point I just could not stand to look at him. I am sure some on here share this experience. Over the holidays I did not do much cleaning or laundry. I have spent the last two days cleaning and recleaning and recleaning and well you get the picture. On top of that I have been trying to wade through mountains of laundry from my pets, me, hubby, and my daughter. It adds up really fast really quickly.

On top of that I am responsible for 99% of all the animals care and 95% of our daughters care. I also cook every day. I pick up the dogpoop out the yard all of the time, scoop the cat boxes most of the time, and I take out the trash most of the time plus I do yard work. He goes to work, works his eight hours, comes home and either watches tv or plays on the computer until it is time for him to go to bed. Which I am not too concerned about as long as he does not start with his attitude moments. Then oh buddy it is on!

He told me yesterday if I washed and dried the laundry he would fold and put away. Well he came home today and played on the computer until bedtime and then got --I have a Potty Mouth-- when I told him clothes needed put up and dogs needed took out. As he is putting up the laundry I washed and dried all darn day he tells me I need to quit acting like my sister.(trust me this is a major insult) I do nothing all day but sit on my blah blah blah. Why don't I do this and that instead of that and this blah blah blah blah.

I told him he hurt my feelings and I feel he should apologise and he told me no he does not see why that would be hurtful so he feels no need to apologise. Honestly does he hear himself I wonder? He says these things in a really mean and cruel voice too. THe kind of voice he could say something as good as I love you in and make it sound like the worst insult on earth. I told him I do not mind doing all I do but heck would it hurt to say something about it every once in awhile? Something good that is. He only says something if I take a break from my every day cleaning and the house gets messy. Then it is full speed ahead with the insults.

He just came and gave me a kiss goodnight and told me he loves me. No apology at all like it is resolved and everything is hunky dory. Which it will be because there is no use in dragging it out. Now do not get me wrong he is a great guy most the time just not really affectionate or ya know complimenting. There was more I wanted to add but I done forgot and this is getting really long so tell me am I overreacting? I hope some guys weigh in on this situation with there honest opinions. Am I a nag?
_________________

[NoahsMommy]

I don't think you are a nag. I think you are under appreciated for all you do. Your hubby is taking for granted that your life is on call 24-7, his is only 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.

If he can't understand your side, maybe a marriage counselor would help a bit? It isn't bad to go to one, its just maintaining an imporant relationship. Comments like the one about your sister was meant to hurt you...that's not positive behavior for a spouse.

Hope things get better. :)

[Lilith Cherry]

I have one just like him lol!! I can complain and nag but it doesnt change a thing...we have been married nearly 30 years and love each other dearly so it isnt something I can't put up with. I really do sympathise though; some days I would like to chuck him off the balcony ( just kidding)!

The following story made me grin though - see if it cheers you up a little too:) :D ;)

"What did you do today?"
A man came home from work and found his three children
outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
>
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
>
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
>
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
>
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
>
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
> > >
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
>
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Love from Lilith

[dukedogsmom]

I don't see how you live like that. Marriage is supposed to be a combined effort. You sound like a poorly paid slave. I was married to a man that was a control freak and did lots of verbal abuse to me. Did you get the key word WAS? I think you are way under appreciated and did not over react in any way. I wouldn't still be there if I were you.

[catnapper]

Are you sure you didn't have a tape secretly filming hubby and me? :D Honestly! I don't know why, but they seem to think we lounge about all day eating Bon-Bons. Is it because thats what THEY'D be doing if they were home all day? Hubby has ONE chore this whole holiday season: to get my work area in the basement set up. He was supposed to do it in the summer, but he ran out of time before school started. Now that Christmas break is on, he's supposed to do it. I have client work backed up waiting for him to put together my new press, and he hasn't done it... and he KNOWS its vitally important that it gets done. He started it in August and only has MAYBE an hour's worth of work left. Now... I ask you... what would his reaction be if that were MY job that remained undone for months? Every fight or nag from him would have been about how I never got around to the equipment!

I work from home (am starting my own business). Right now, I am not making any money. And what I do make, goes right back into the business. He thinks that since I am home, and not making much money that I have alllll the free time in the workld to run his little errands. And usually his little requests end up taking a whole day. Once, he actually had me take my car to his work, remove his car from the parking lot, fill it with gas, return his car and take mine back home!!!! He's lucky I was in a good mood that day, or I'd have told him what he could do with that request! Then when he comes home (after I spent the day trying to get business and doing his requests) he asks me what I did that day!

[mina'smomma]

OMG this seems to be a common thread. Lee has been such a pain since I went back to work. The only thing he did yesterday was go and get the new tire put on my car, and that was 9 o'clock in the morning. He doesn't leave for work until 3. I come home from my second job last night at 10:30 p.m. and know what else he did??? NOTHING! That's right laundry was strewn all over the couch, bed unmade, dishes still in the sink, and the presents haven't even been put away. If it is like that when I get home I think I'll take the frying pan upside his head.

[LuckyDog]

It feels nice not to be alone in this although for you alls sake I wish I was.:D Yep I think the reason they think we sit at home all day is because that is what they would do. I honestly feel like telling him maids get paid so lets agree on my salary.

[mina'smomma]

Originally posted by LuckyDog
I honestly feel like telling him maids get paid so lets agree on my salary.

I'd tell him that. Just sit him down and tell him this is how you feel and if he is looking for a maid then he better start paying about $50.00 a day to clean his house.

[Laura's Babies]

My daughters husband is not one to sit around when he comes in from work. He helps her with everything!! She keeps their 11 month old grandbaby all day and one day, he decided to give her the day off and HE watch DK so she could rest, relax and just do whatever she wanted... LOL!! Well, you know how that went... The little tyke WORE his grandpa OUT!! You all can relate to a walking 11 month old, reaching and grabbing all day long. Now son in law, REALLY apperciates what she does all day and even gave her a 4 wheeler for Christmas so she could have a way to relax on the week ends.... :D :D ... MISTAKE!! Now she is all bruised and sore from where it turned over on her.. She is Mrs. Accident looking for a place to happen, can not chew gum and walk at the same time and is alway getting hurt, that was BEFORE the 4 wheeler.

He is a one in a million husband though, cooks, cleans, helps her do EVERYTHING and treats her like she is a princess.. So, ladies, hang on to your hope, there are still some of those out there.

I can relate to all of the rest of you too from my married days. That is why I am not married today, I have a typical female memory and haven't forgotten those "good ole days" (?)....

[crestiemom]

Originally posted by LuckyDog
I got so totally fed up with hubby today to the point I just could not stand to look at him. _________________

Gosh, do you have a webcam in my house? I think our hubbies must be long lost twins or something. The big difference is that we both work full time (and I make more money than he does), but the cooking, cleaning, etc. is all up to me. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I will be the first to admit that I am probably one of the world's worst housekeepers, but we don't live in filth either. I can spend an entire Saturday cleaning, and by Sunday a.m. he's trashed it out again. He spills crap and doesn't clean it up, flips his $%#%@ beer tops "towards" the ashtray/waste can, but if they don't make it no big deal....until you step on it barefoot, not to mention I have one foster dog that is a canine vacuum cleaner. Can't tell you have many times I've caught him chewing on a beer top.

We've only been married 6 yrs (on 1/17) and I've been ready to split this place for awhile now...and in all honesty, I don't really know what's keeping me here. Some days are better than others, but many days if it weren't for my dogs, I wouldn't come home at all. I'm 40 yrs old and lived for darn near 20 yrs on my own before getting married. Many days I long for the single life again....aah, to come home to a house that was a clean as I left it, but even more, to be able to foster as many dogs as I want!!! That's a biggie for me, unfortunately we're always getting new rescues in, but he only wants me to foster one at a time. I currently have two merely because I lied and told him that I was just going to have Copper until another foster home came open. I've learned that it's easier to ask for foregiveness than permission.:D

My hubby comes from an alcoholic and physically abusive home. He's never once laid a hand on me (he knows better), but I've told him over & over that his words can hurt much more than any physical blow. He refuses any type of counseling...says he doesnt' need some body else to tell him he's an a%$$hole. We've had many long talks about what I need from him, but things only change for a short time and then we're right back to where we started.

At this point, I have no doubt that one day I'll be outta here, just gotta get all my ducks in a row first. My biggest fear is that he'll try to keep my heart dog, Bandit. We originally got Bandit for him, but he has taken very little interest in Pixie & Bandit (Pixie hates him and doesn't trust him at all) and he'd try to take him from me just to hurt me. I love all my dogs, but Bandit is my heart. We've had him since he was 8 weeks old, and he's had a rough 2.5 yrs because he has IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). We have to be very careful with what he eats (his food is a small handful of ProPlan for sensitive tummies mixed with boiled hamburger/rice, yogurt & vitamin supplements, and the only treats he can have are Bah Bah Qs and carrots).

Okay, I've rambled enough....it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[Tonya]

You aren't overreacting. But I can tell you that your husband is perfectly normal. We've got the same problems in my household. If I let the laundry go or something, he'll be like "What have you been doing today?" And if he cleans something, I never hear the end of it. He thinks he's God after he cleans the house. As controlling as it sounds, I give my hubby a chore list. I don't ask for to much and most of it never gets done, but it at least helps a bit.

On the same line, my first husband was so domesticated that it was sickening. He was a total chick. I'd even have my clothing lying on the bed ironed when I got out of the shower. He cooked all the meals and they were always so beautiful that you didn't even want to eat it. That got old really fast too. I couldn't stand that either. The grass is always greener on the other side.

P.S. I don't know if it is an option for you, but I work full time (when I am not pregnant), so I started hiring everything out. I have a housekeeper that comes. If it takes him to long to get around to a chore, I'll hire someone to do it. He hates spending money like that, so it gets him cracking. I'll be like "If you don't hang these Christmas lights within the next two weeks, I saw an ad in the paper where someone can do it for $50." Even with a housekeeper, there is so much work to be done in the house. I still spend hours everyday doing laundry, caring for the animals, feeding them, etc... I don't have half the free time that hubby does.

[pitc9]

WOW.... :eek: So I'm NOT alone!!!

I do 100% of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, caring for the dogs, I take out the trash every week, I do all the bills, and take care of all of the money, mow the lawn in the summer, do all the flower beds. I help in the fall when we get fire wood, when we fenced on our yard, which I helped with, I stained the entire fence myself by hand, (because he said using a power painter thing would be lazy)

He gets home from work about an hour and a half before me, and as soon as I walk in the door he asks what's for dinner. He says he can try to start dinner before I get home, but the two times he has, he had to call me every 30 seconds to ask questions (I think he did that on purpose so that I didn't ask him to do it again) So.. once I get home from work, drop my stuff, make dinner, clean up dinner, then he says "Okay, lets go to the gym"
I know I'm overweight, but don't need him to remind me everyday of my LIFE!!!! So by the time we get home, it's 9:45 and I'm ready for bed! Then he crabs because the house needs cleaned!!!
I've tried leaving him twice, once I had my bags packed and most of them in the car... but he won't let me leave. I don't make enough money to live on my own with two big dogs. (He would NEVER get the dogs... well.. Buddy doesn't even like him, but I'm sure he'd try to keep Sierra, but I would NEVER let that happen!)
Do you think I microchipped them in JUST my name for a reason!
:p :p And the records at the vets office are ONLY in my name! :D

Whew.... that felt GREAT to get all of that out!!!
Now... I just need to leave.... we've been together for 11 years, and have been married for 3. He keeps talking about kids, and I don't want to have kids with him. He's a mean person, with a bad temper, and can never keep from raising his voice!! He's never raised a hand to me (if he ever did... I'm sure Buddy would take care of him for me!) Sometime I wish he would... then maybe I'd wake up, move out and get my life back!!

LuckyDog... NO!! You did NOT overreact at all!!!!!
We all need to stand up for ourselves!!!!

[Corinna]

Join the club mine has even said I should have a year round full time job!!!!!:mad: He knows better to becouse he did the house work when he was on diabilty for 5 years (boy short term memory)
Laura can we clone your son in law?

[mina'smomma]

I agree with Corinna Laura. We need more like him.

[Tonya]

Oh, girls! I am so sorry that you are that unhappy! If you are that unhappy, you should get out. Especially if you don't have children. I know the financial comfort is nice but money cannot buy happiness. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. :(

I am not unhappy in my marriage. I've accepted my husband's faults. I have just as many faults that he puts up with. I am not constantly sad or angry. But if I was, I would not stay.

[dukedogsmom]

I can see how they can't leave, though. If they have no one to help. If my parent's hadn't have helped me, I would have been stuck there. All I could get was a part time job. It was a super small town. I'm for setting up a PT Ladies in Need fund. That way, we can help you get out of that horrible situation. Also, check the women's shelters in the area. They sometimes allow pets, too. If anyone needs support, I'm here. I know how miserable it can be.

[crestiemom]

For me, it's a matter of getting all my ducks in a row so I can leave. I'll have to stop fostering until I'm out & settled though and that really bites. It's hard enough to find a place with a fenced yard that will allow 2 dogs (even though they don't weigh 20 lbs between them), 4 dogs is darn near impossible.

[catnapper]

I feel so sad to see how unhappy some of you are :( I know my mom was in the same situation - wanting so badly to leave but didn't know how she could do it. Thank goodness for my grandmom - she took my mom, my brother and me in until mom could get back on her feet. It was a tight few years. But she is now remarried to my stepfather (who is the best man in the world) and she is gloriously happy. Now mind you, my stepdad does the same things.... wondering what mom did all day, helpless about making dinner. Whines when he doesn't have his little lunch bag made every morning.

Like Tonya said, we all have our little faults. But the question is whether their good outweighs their bad. If you are that unhappy and can no longer see the good you once saw, then you must try to find a way out. It might seem daunting and scary, but you'd be amazed at how strong you are emotionally and personally and how much support you really do have in life. You are not alone. Someone is out there who can help you leave a bad situation.

I was once involved with a man who never ever laid a hand on me, but his emotional abuse made me feel like dirt. The day we broke up, instead of crying, I felt liberated, like the world was mine to conquer. I felt powerless before. I WANTED to break it off, but couldn't somehow find the words. What would everyone think? We were supposed to be the perfect couple. I didn't want to let anyone down. I loved his family (and I still miss them to this day) and I didn't want to admit I made a mistake in choosing him as my partner. I walked away from that relationship and never looked back.

[LuckyDog]

I am so sorry for those that truly are unhappy and want to leave but can't. My husband has many good points and I love the man to distraction. Overall I am very happy with him. I had company come for an overnighter but tonight when he gets off of work I am gonna sit mine down and tell him look we need to fix some th ings. We have been together 5 years and married for 1. He was not like this when we first got together so hopefully I just need to shock him outta this outdated outlook he has seem to have taken recently.

[pitc9]

LuckyDog, you are lucky to still see good in him! Then there's always hope!! I hope you talked to him and things are going to get better for you!! Good Luck!

I don't see any good in my hubby anymore.
When we met, I was a strong willed woman, didn't take crap from anyone... etc. Now... I am a wussy!! He has broken me down to nothing! I need to find myself again, grow a set... and do it!
I've always been afraid to tell my friends how I feel because I'm afraid of how they would act. That's why it's so easy to get everything out to all of you.... you won't say anything to him, to make things worse. I'm a big chicken!! I know!
:o

[RICHARD]

O.k......


Now for the RIGHT POINT OF VIEW...........:rolleyes: ;)


Go on strike.

This is gonna hurt..........Do not clean every day. do not wash every day........

If your hubby is good at video games and can push a button- he can cook and clean - pretty much every electric appliance has the button/video screen technology....

Start off this way.

Wash one pair of socks and underwear for him and your daughter every few days.(If your daughter is young forget that step). One pair of pants and enough of your stuff where you don't have to search.....

"Honey, did you wash my jeans????"

When you clean do one room and quit.

"Look at the dust in this room!!!"

Same thing with meals........Cook a piece of meat but "be tired" for the veggies, rolls and salad......

"Is this ALL we are having for dinner?"


Yep yep and yep!!!!!

--------------------------------


Do just enough to get by and see if that shakes his tree...

It's amazing what us men can do when there is no clean underwear on standby.

Us guys need a slap to the head to get us motivated.....