jonza
12-25-2004, 12:55 PM
This is a bit late, but I thought it rather funny:
Santa Claus Is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.Â_ First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick.
Not a chance.
The Top 15 Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman
15.Â_ Santa *remembers* it's Christmas.Â_ 'Nuf said.
14.Â_ Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13.Â_ Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12.Â_ Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11.Â_ Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10.Â_ "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9.Â_ A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8.Â_ Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7.Â_ Bowl full of jelly, my ass.Â_ It's water retention.
6.Â_ Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5.Â_ Matching shoes and belt?Â_ Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4.Â_ No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3.Â_ Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2.Â_ The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
and Top5's Number 1 *Other* Sign Santa Claus is Actually a Woman...
1.Â_ With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
Copyright 1998 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do
Santa Claus Is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.Â_ First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick.
Not a chance.
The Top 15 Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman
15.Â_ Santa *remembers* it's Christmas.Â_ 'Nuf said.
14.Â_ Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13.Â_ Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12.Â_ Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11.Â_ Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10.Â_ "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9.Â_ A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8.Â_ Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7.Â_ Bowl full of jelly, my ass.Â_ It's water retention.
6.Â_ Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5.Â_ Matching shoes and belt?Â_ Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4.Â_ No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3.Â_ Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2.Â_ The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
and Top5's Number 1 *Other* Sign Santa Claus is Actually a Woman...
1.Â_ With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
Copyright 1998 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do