Parent(s) Requests regarding Engagement/Marriage

[Kater]

My father shocked me this past weekend when he wanted to have a serious discussion regarding my marriage.
MARRIAGE??? :eek: I just turned 21!
Marriage is probably the farthest thing from my mind at this point, that and retirement. :p He had two requests and wanted them to be known. In his mind it was serious discussion but I'm pretty sure I had a goofy and dazed expression on my face the entire time.

Anyway, he asks that regardless of where I live or where my future husband is from, that the wedding be held in Hawaii. He also asks that my future husband ask him for "my hand." Now at first, I didn't push the topic. To be honest I let it drop like a brick. But later, after I had gotten over my shock, I wanted to ask more about these requests of his. I had no qualms with the first one, whenever I picture my wedding (which isn't often) I see myself here. However, his second request didn't sit with me too well. After some arguing I got it amended to my future husband asking both my parents for permission. I also wanted to know the purpose of asking – were they going to have veto rights or something? :p He assured me that he just wants to hear my future husband say that he loves me and will take good care of me. How sweet. ;)

After our discussion I realized that I didn't start thinking about marriage until finding out about my Dad's leukemia. Since then I have always hoped with every fiber of my being that *if* I get married, my Daddy will be there. No other detail of my wedding day could possibly be more important than that. :)

So I'm wondering - has anybody else had any requests from a parent/guardian about his/her marriage?
Please do not think that this thread is restricted to those in heterosexual relationships, anyone is free to share if they so desire. :D

[CathyBogart]

Nah, my parents are very laid-back, my mom's only request was that I not run off to get married, which is fine with me! :)

[Barbara]

It may depend a little on when you marry (if you marry). When I married first time I was 21 and my dad somehow expected that my husband-to-be asked him. I was too young to find it as stupid as I would find it now (am I a possession that is given from one man to another?;) ) so we sort of did it. The second time I married I was 42 and nobody asked for nothing:D

[Palomino21]

My husband and I got married without asking for permission. My husband is from India and I know from him that it is normal in India and in other cultures for the men to ask the girl's parents for marriage. In India though, alot of marriages are arranged. That doesn't mean though they have to get married to the parent's choice, but they help choose a mate that will best care for their daughters. I got married when I was 18.

Annie

[Tonya]

I can say one thing...it's better to get those requests squared away now then in the midst of all the wedding planning. The first guy I married was from German Baptist family (those are the "quakers" who wear bonnets and the men wear the beards). I was so stressed out with all these little surprises and requests. I totally didn't feel like it was MY wedding.

[moosmom]

When I was getting married (at the foolish age of 20), my Dad gave me the option of giving me $2,000 cash or (in those days weddings weren't as lavish or expensive as they are now) a big wedding. I took the money!!! Glad I did too. Paid off my car loan (a Volkswagen bug that cost $2400 in those days) bought furniture and put a little bit of it in the bank.

I can't understand WHY people (couples) would spend thousands of dollars for a couple of hours with people, half of them they don't know cuz they're friends or business associates of their parents!!! Elope and put a down payment on a house, that's what I say.

Kater,

Maybe your Dad was kind of sitting there thinking of the future and decided he needed to talk to you about it. Parents are funny that way. He obviously loves you very much and only wants what's best for you. So, even if you thought it was amusing at the time, stand in his shoes for a minute and you might understand.

[Cataholic]

Kate, the FUNNIEST thing is that when I read this the first time, I thought you meant your dad had had requests from eligible men, requesting your hand in marriage. I was STUNNED! I thought, "I didn't know Kate was from this type of background???" You seemed so open to the idea, yet I know you are pretty progressive, and arranged marriages are not exactly 'progressive'.

Then, I read people's replys to your post, and was like, "Isn't ANYONE going to comment on this"?

I read it again....and again...and said, "Ah...finally I see". Those request seem pretty reasonable to me.


:o

[GraciesMommy]

I think that is pretty sweet of your dad..I would have given anything for my dad to have even wanted a heart to heart with me..about ANYTHING! Be thankful you have such a caring father...you are blessed beyond measure

[Miranda_Rae]

My dad wants my future husband to ask him for my "hand in marriage" so to speak. I think in my case its a blessing thing, like we would have his blessing or whatnot, and I think its also a respect thing. I don't mind, because I think it s kind of cute. ;)

[christa]

That's wierd . . . jumping the gun maybe?

My husband asked my parents before he asked me . . . I didn't have to tell him to . . . I actually didn't even expect that he would. Total surprise to me! I think *most* guys know that it's polite to ask the parents.

[Samantha Puppy]

My then-boyfriend went on his own to talk with my parents prior to proposing to me. He didn't "ask" for their permission but from what I heard after the fact, they had a good long talk about marriage and whatnot. He showed them the ring he'd designed and purchased for me and the following weekend I was wearing it! I like that he wanted to first speak with my parents before proposing to me. I hope that my future daughters' boyfriends do the same.

[Karen]

My mother's only request was that she be given three months warning for any wedding.

Paul did ask my parents for permission, but it was just a formality, and not something they required. They liked him anyway. AND they knew the daughter they had raised me to be, and so even if they unexplicably said "No," it wouldn't have matterd one bit! ;)

[ramanth]

I think Andy was going to ask my parents first, just to let them know he loved me a great deal and wanted to be in my life.

Then Niagara Falls happened. :D

When I called my mom the day after with the news, she asked me if I wanted to tell Dad or if she could. I told her she could.

My dad's response? "Why are we finding this stuff out by phone!?!?"

*laughs*

I think the requests are reasonable. :)

[Edwina's Secretary]

I was 40 something when I married. My father and I have always had a different relationship in that he respects me greatly (and I him) but he thinks I am....difficult (and I him....:D )

On my wedding day my father said to Don..."Better you than me buddy!"

If Don had asked for my hand my father probably would have suggested he take the rest of me too....PLEASE!

[robinh]

My son asked his then girl-friend's (now wife) father for her hand. He had told us he was going to propose and wanted to talk to her dad first. I thought it was very thoughtful to involve both families in their happiness.

I guess all that talking I did about manners and being respectful when he was younger did sink in.
:D

[popcornbird]

He he he! You sound just like me Kate. Whenever the marriage topic comes up in our house, my face goes like this...:eek:

I guess the reason is I just turned 19, and well...I don't exactly want to get married yet. My parents on the other hand seem to want to prepare me mentally, so that if they ever get a good proposal for me, I wouldn't take it as such a big shock.

Now, in my *culture*, the parents are almost always 'asked' for their daughter's 'hand', by the boy or the boy's family. It is NOT arranged in the sense that when someone asks the girl's parents, and the PARENTS like the person and agree, the daughter HAS to marry that person. Its not like that at all, and when I tell people how our marriage system works, it seems they suddenly assume that's what it is, but later say 'that makes so much more sense' when I explain it to them. I guess basically the guy interested in the girl (or the guy's parents) will go and ask the girl's parents. If the girl's parents think its a 'good proposal', they would go and talk to the daughter. The decision totally depends on the girl though. She has to know who the person proposing is, get to see/know him, and tell her parents whether she agrees or disagrees. If she disagrees, that's the end of things. Its not forced in any way like so many people seem to think.

Actually...even with the son's marriage, in our culture, the parents usually do the 'searching', and help him find a potential mate as they do with the daughter, and of course, the marriage is based on the son's agreement too. I guess in our culture, marriage is basically an agreement between the kids and parents. Both parents and kids usually agree on the person they will marry. I personally like it. The parents are satisfied that the person their child is going to live with will love/care for her as they should, and the couple getting married is also happy with the decision (because the couple, both boy and girl make the final decision). We also have a much lower divorce rate than the overall population, and while I can't say this is the reason, I do believe it might be one of the factors involved. People are generally immature in the early 20s...the age most people get married. If you make the decision yourself, it is possible you might make one that is rather immature. With your parents' help, you have the help of two people who are 20-40 or so years older than you, and have a whole life's experience. I like that when its my time to get married, I will not be on my own, but will have my parents to help me. Doing it this way not only has the couple's happy, but both families are usually very happy too. :D

Your father seems to be very sweet Kate. He obviously cares about you a great deal. You're a lucky girl. ;)

[Tonya]

Yes, I agree with Moosmom on that one. My first wedding was huge and lavish. We spent a gazillion dollars on one day that was a big blur. The second time around, Mike and I just went to Lake Tahoe with a few select family members and married in a cute chapel. We took all the money we'd saved and bought a house. I think it was a much better move. BTW, I was still paying on the first wedding for the first year or two that Mike and I were together. lol.

[Laura's Babies]

My Mamma had one request, that I GET married and get out of her house, ELOPE! To make sure I did, she went with us! (No ladder at the window or sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night! No Sir-rie... Mamma went along with us!)


It wasn't that cold hearted but it sounds funny worded like that.

[NoahsMommy]

I think your dad is very sweet to be thinking of that sort of thing. The issue isn't a father thinking of his daughter as property, its that he demands that whomever is to marry her will respect her and her family.

I'm terribly traditional in that sort of thing.

[Kater]

First of all, methinks Johanna needs more SLEEP! :p Your post had me LOL! :D

Donna, I have thought about his point of view a bit more since my post and I've realized some things. What really sparked these thoughts for him was probably a family wedding this Thanksgiving weekend, and so these thoughts were not a reflection on my "readiness for marriage" but rather a reflection of his current state of mind. I'm the youngest daughter as well as the youngest child, so he is probably extra protective of me. Thanks for reminding me to think about what he is going through as well. :)

From his point of view, the concern that the husband-to-be will fail to "ask for my hand" is quite legitimate. My sister, his only other daughter, has been married twice now and neither man asked my parents “for her hand.” My father is an Episcopalian priest and has officiated at many weddings. He tells me he has often discovered that the bride's parents were not "asked for her hand" and this "disappoints him." However, you can be sure that my brothers have (in one case) or will (in the other case) make this gesture to their fiancee's parents. (Guess they had the serious marriage talk at some point too...) I would have thought, like some of you, that this would be fairly commonplace procedure, but he has reasons to believe otherwise.

I enjoyed reading about others thoughts on this topic. Thank you all for sharing. :)

[BitsyNaceyDog]

My sister-in-law's boyfriend didn't "ask" for her hand, he did tell her parents (my in-laws) before hand though. He basically said "I love your daughter very much and I'm going to ask her to marry me". That way they knew first, but he wasn't saying "can I marry your daughter".

Justin didn't ask my parents first. Mostly because my mom never payed any attention to me anyway and my dad is a very difficult man.:( :rolleyes: