I want you to read this, and I need your opinion!!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

This is a story I have to do for my Narration and Description class. It has to be descriptive, and I have to show not tell. Tell me what you think, and tell me if you get a good mental image of what's going on.

The Plunge
Jason ricocheted into his bedroom squealing, “Swimming, swimming, swimmmmming!” at top of his pint-sized lungs. With his blonde curls bouncing in step with him, he leapt onto his bed. After a few quick hops on his brand new, blue Toy Story bedspread, he flew off the bed, his dirtied feet hitting the hard wood floor first. He threw open his closet door, revealing neat, clean, and tidy clothes; each hanging on its own blue plastic hanger. His baby blue eyes darted from one end of the closet to the other, then, seeing his pride and joy, he jumped and yanked on the bright orange swim trunks. The hanger launched off over Jason’s head, but Jason never noticed, even after it clashed to the floor seconds later.
With trunks in hand, he scampered off to the bathroom and shoved the door shut. He tossed his shorts and his t-shirt aimlessly around the bathroom, failing to notice his sticky shirt had landed in the sink. He swung open the door and hopped out of the bathroom like a rabbit, his small, dirty feeding padding along the way.
Now Jason stood, his scratched up knees trembling as fast as his dog’s tail when she sees her supper, on the edge of their in-ground pool. Jason was biting his bottom lip, scared of what he was supposed to do. The wind blew, rustling his already messy hair, and causing a loose band-aid on his foot to flap to the other side.
“C’mon Jace! Just jump! You have your floaties on!” his dad called from in front of him. He looked at his dad, with graying brown hair, and a bald spot on the top of his head. He then looked over to his sister, Julie, in her bright pink watermelon swimsuit. She looked back at Jason and dunked her head under the water, obviously showing off.
“Daddy, I can’t!” Jason moaned from the ledge. His mother sat on the shiny, white, plastic patio furniture behind him, sipping an ice cold lemonade. As the wind blew again, the sweet aroma of lemonade caught his attention. He looked over at his mother and half smile on his face. He glanced down at his arm floaties. He touched the yellow striped fish on them, the his mother spoke.
“Just jump into the water, honey! You have the floaties on so they keep you floating. Trust me!” she shouted. Jason’s blue eyes dashed from his father to the glistening, blue pool. He took a deep breath, inhaling the sterile, clean smell of the chlorine. He steadied his feet and closed his eyes. Without any warning, Jason’s feet leapt off the cold, wet cement. His feet and arms flailing, he took a deep breath mid-air. First his feet hit; absorbing the cold, blue water. Then his stomach went in, then his head. Once his entire body was under, he began kicking his arms and legs violently, just like his mom had told him to earlier. He finally broke the once calm surface of the water and gasped. He wiped the water free from his eyes and a tiny but overwhelming grin appeared on his face.
“I did it, I did ittt!” he screamed. He kicked his arms and legs again, propelling him forward toward the edge of the pool. He heard his mom clap and laugh as he climbed out. Within seconds, he was back in the air… arms flailing and all.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Well I need to write more, it needs to be two pages, and its about one and a half. If I need more description somewhere, tell me!

[PepperRSM]

That's really good, lots of description! I'll betcha any money you'll get an A+++++++! :):p

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Thanky! But I still need to make it longer.. *thinks*

[dogs_4_me]

Wow thats great!!!! Very descriptive!!:D

[Jods]

add in smells! thats always good

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Ahh.. THANK YOU! Great idea, Jods!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

What I've added:

"...His mother sat on the shiny, white, plastic patio furniture behind him, sipping an ice cold lemonade. As the wind blew again, the sweet aroma of lemonade caught his attention. He looked at his mother with a sullen look on his face."

And...:

"...Jason’s blue eyes dashed from his father to the glistening, blue pool. He took a deep breath, inhaling the sterile, clean smell of the chlorine. He steadied his feet and closed his eyes."

So far?

[molucass]

It's really good so far!! :D

I think you will get a A++++ too!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

:D Thank you all! I still need to add more though!

[captain]

That is great!!!!!! I got all the images ..... colours, FANTASTIC!!

I like what you added too, however the "sullen" doesn't seem to go with the "happy" image I am getting of Jason throughout the story ..........

JMHO ......:)

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Also added:

"...With trunks in hand, he scampered off to the bathroom and shoved the door shut. He tossed his shorts and his t-shirt aimlessly around the bathroom, failing to notice his sticky shirt had landed in the sink. He swung open the door and hopped out of the bathroom like a rabbit, his small, dirty feeding padding along the way."

I basically changed that part and made it longer... :p

And Captain, Thank you! I didn't really know what to put there... I'll find something else!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

How about this?

"He looked over at his mother and half smile on his face. "

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

And this:

"He glanced down at his arm floaties. He touched the yellow striped fish on them, the his mother spoke. "

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Updated version in first post.

[captain]

LOVE the floaties addition ............. and the half smile is good too ...

You going to re-post when you are finished?

If you have to make it longer, why not add something about the garden, or the pool deck .......... or both .....?:D

You really have a knack with words .....

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Thank you very much. :D I'm off to add more about the surrounding areas then!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Aha!! It's just over two pages now. :D Here it is!

Jason ricocheted into his bedroom squealing, “Swimming, swimming, swimmmmming!” at top of his pint-sized lungs. With his blonde curls bouncing in step with him, he leapt onto his bed. After a few quick hops on his brand new, blue Toy Story bedspread, he flew off the bed, his dirtied feet hitting the hard wood floor first. He threw open his closet door, revealing neat, clean, and tidy clothes; each hanging on its own blue plastic hanger. His baby blue eyes darted from one end of the closet to the other, then, seeing his pride and joy, he jumped and yanked on the bright orange swim trunks. The hanger launched off over Jason’s head, but Jason never noticed, even after it clashed to the floor seconds later.
With trunks in hand, he scampered off to the bathroom and shoved the door shut. He tossed his shorts and his t-shirt aimlessly around the bathroom, failing to notice his sticky shirt had landed in the sink. He swung open the door and hopped out of the bathroom like a rabbit, his small, dirty feeding padding along the way.
Now Jason stood, his scratched up knees trembling and his heart beating as fast as his dog’s tail when she sees her supper, on the edge of their in-ground pool. Jason wiggled his toes around in the graying tile that bordered their pool. Jason wasn’t focused on what he was trying to accomplish, just trying to postpone it as long as he could and not think about it. Jason was biting his bottom lip, scared of what he was supposed to do. The wind blew, rustling his already messy hair, and causing a loose band-aid on his foot to flap to the other side. He stomped the band-aid back onto his foot with his other foot, not realizing it just popped back off.
“C’mon Jace! Just jump! You have your floaties on!” his dad called from in front of him. He looked at his dad, with graying brown hair, and a bald spot on the top of his head. He then looked over to his sister, Julie, in her bright pink watermelon swimsuit. She looked back at Jason and dunked her head under the water, obviously showing off.
“Daddy, I can’t!” Jason moaned from the ledge. His mother sat on the shiny, white, plastic patio furniture behind him, sipping ice-cold lemonade. As the wind blew again, the sweet aroma of lemonade caught his attention. He looked over at his mother with a half smile on his face. He glanced down at his arm floaties. He touched the yellow striped fish on them, and then his mother spoke.
“Just jump into the water, honey! You have the floaties on so they keep you floating. Trust me!” she shouted. Jason’s blue eyes dashed from his father to the glistening, blue pool. He took a deep breath, inhaling the sterile, clean smell of the chlorine. He steadied his feet and closed his eyes.
Without any warning, Jason’s feet leapt off the cold, wet cement. His feet and arms flailing, he took a deep breath mid-air. First his feet hit; absorbing the cold, blue water. Then his stomach went in, then his head. Once his entire body was under, he began kicking his arms and legs violently, just like his mom had told him to earlier. He finally broke the once calm surface of the water and gasped. With his blonde curls sticking to his cheeks, he wiped the water free from his eyes and a tiny but overwhelming grin appeared on his face.
“I did it, I jumped all by myself!” he screamed. He kicked his arms and legs again, propelling him forward toward the edge of the pool. His smile never let his face. He heard his mom clap and laugh as he climbed out. He ran as fast as he could to the edge of the pool, still smiling. Water dripped from his orange shorts and his tiny face, but he got ready to jump again. Within seconds, he was back in the air… arms flailing and all.

[captain]

Fabulous!!!!!!:D

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

:D:D:D Thanks! I'm having my mom go over it right now, check for mistakes, take out what needs to be taken out. This is the first thing she's ever read of my work... I don't let her ever read my stories I post on here! Or my poems! :o

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Done, with the help of Mommy's revising! Some stupid spell check errors :mad: :p

Jason ricocheted into his bedroom squealing, “Swimming, swimming, swimmmmming!” at the top of his pint-sized lungs. With his blonde curls bouncing in step with him, he leapt onto his bed. After a few quick hops on his brand new, blue Toy Story bedspread, he flew off the bed, his dirtied feet hitting the hard wood floor first. He threw open his closet door, revealing neat, clean, and tidy clothes; each hanging on its own blue plastic hanger. His baby blue eyes darted from one end of the closet to the other, then, seeing his pride and joy, he jumped and yanked on the bright orange swim trunks. The hanger launched off over Jason’s head, but Jason never noticed, even after it crashed to the floor seconds later.
With trunks in hand, he scampered off to the bathroom and shoved the door shut. He tossed his shorts and his t-shirt aimlessly around the bathroom, failing to notice his sticky shirt had landed in the sink. He swung open the door and hopped out of the bathroom like a rabbit, his small, dirty feet padding along the way.
Now Jason stood, his scratched up knees trembling and his heart beating as fast as his dog’s tail when she sees her supper, at the edge of their in-ground pool. Jason wiggled his toes around in the graying tile that bordered their pool. Jason wasn’t focused on what he was trying to accomplish, just trying to postpone it as long as he could and not think about it. Jason was biting his bottom lip, scared of what he was supposed to do. The wind blew, rustling his already messy hair, and causing a loose band-aid on his foot to flap to the other side. He stomped the band-aid back onto his foot with his other foot, not realizing it just popped back off.
“C’mon Jace! Just jump! You have your floaties on!” his dad called from in front of him. He looked at his dad, with graying brown hair, and a bald spot on the top of his head. He then looked over to his sister, Julie, in her bright pink watermelon swimsuit. She looked back at Jason and dunked her head under the water, obviously showing off.
“Daddy, I can’t!” Jason moaned from the ledge. His mother sat on the shiny, white, plastic patio furniture behind him, sipping ice-cold lemonade. As the wind blew again, the sweet aroma of lemonade caught his attention. He looked over at his mother with a half smile on his face. He glanced down at his arm floaties. He touched the yellow striped fish on them, and then his mother spoke.
“Just jump into the water, honey! You have the floaties on so they keep you floating. Trust me!” she shouted. Jason’s blue eyes dashed from his father to the glistening, blue pool. He took a deep breath, inhaling the sterile, clean smell of the chlorine. He steadied his feet and closed his eyes.
Without any warning, Jason’s feet leapt off the cold, wet cement. His feet and arms flailing, he took a deep breath mid-air. First his feet hit; absorbing the cold, blue water. Then his stomach went in, then his head. Once his entire body was under, he began kicking his arms and legs violently, just like his mom had told him to earlier. He finally broke the once calm surface of the water and gasped. With his blonde curls sticking to his cheeks, he wiped the water free from his eyes and a tiny but overwhelming grin appeared on his face.
“I did it, I jumped all by myself!” he screamed. He kicked his arms and legs again, propelling him forward toward the edge of the pool. His smile never let his face. He heard his mom clap and laugh as he climbed out. He ran as fast as he could to the edge of the pool, still smiling. Water dripped from his orange shorts and his tiny face, but he got ready to jump again. Within seconds, he was back in the air… arms flailing and all.

[dogs_4_me]

It's great Megan:D

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Thanks!

[molucass]

Woohoo! Great job, Megan! :D

Let us know what grade you get!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Most definately! I'm sure it will be an A+ with all this... PT editing.... ;)

[Jods]

well then let us all know how you do!!! Good luck

[DJFyrewolf36]

That is really awesome! I would add a little more about him actually being in the pool but thats all. Great story, A++++ for sure!!!!