My ovaries flee in terror!!

[CathyBogart]

From Dooce.com

Undone
11 May 2004

Some days are really good.

Some days start with bacon and biscuits and then more bacon because the first round of bacon wasn’t enough. Some days have foot rubs and flowers and an extra 30 minutes of sleep, delicious and indulgent. Some days the drugs seem to work and I feel like I am born to do this, and I look at her and I don’t remember the stretch marks or the constipation or the episiotomy or the bladder infections or the constantly malfunctioning left boob that wakes me up every four days with a clogged milk duct or the hemorrhoids or the bloating or the nausea or the tremendous weight gain.

Some days I can enjoy living in the moment and I treasure her little feet and fingers and squeals and excessive drool, because I know she will never be this little again. Some days I hope she never grows up.

Some days are really, really bad.

Some days she starts screaming only a half hour after she wakes up and I immediately want to hit the reset button. Some days it feels like the drugs don’t work, and the isolation of spending my entire day with someone who can’t tell me what she wants, PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, spreads like a disease in my body, choking me and rendering me paralyzed.

Some days I remember the ongoing physical pain of bringing and having this child in the world, and I wonder how much more my body can take. Some days I make it to 11 AM, and then I make it to 2 PM, and then I try, try, try to make it until Jon comes home, and when I do I feel simultaneously triumphant and beaten down.

Some days I stare eternity in the face and I think about how many diapers I will change that will only get dirty, towels I will wash that will only become soiled, dishes I will load into the dishwasher that we’ll use to eat again and again, and I feel utterly useless, as if I am fighting a battle that cannot be won.

Some days my life is reduced to an hour by hour game of survival and I don’t feel like I’ll make it another 15 minutes and I can’t believe I feel this way and I can’t stop crying.

I hate feeling this way.


************************

Next time my mother gives me any "You'll change your mind" garbage I'll print this out for her. This woman has since checked herself into a psychiatric hospital. :(

[G.P.girl]

scary!....

[dukedogsmom]

That is very scary. Glad I'm getting older.

[K9soul]

Sounds like that woman was suffering post-partum depression. I don't think it is that way for all women by any means. However, I know my own mother suffered severe post-partum depression as well.

[Logan]

From my experience, most days are glorious and this woman is NOT in the majority, although I feel terrible for what she apparently has gone through. There are so many women, too, who want to have children and can't for one reason or another. :(

I don't wish motherhood on anyone who doesn't want it or isn't ready for it, but I can tell you it is the one thing in my life that I am certain I was meant for! :) And I have a wonderful 13 year old girl to show for it!!! :D

[K9soul]

I should mention also that my sister has 4 children and she is really pretty happy most the time. She did not suffer post-partum the way my own mother did.

[DJFyrewolf36]

At least the woman got some help before she went totally nuts and hurt her child. Too often I hear about mothers who simply weren't ready hurting their children and it is so sad. :(

[Cataholic]

I am sorry for what she is/was going through. It must have been heartbreaking.

Having said that, I would wager a guess there was some other issues going on, as well. PPD of this magnitude strikes something like 4% of the population. It isn't the majority.

Maybe what is important to take from this is motherhood/fatherhood is not easy. It might not come naturally to some, and it certainly has its tradeoffs. Some may not want it, or take to it, or live up to it.

To suggest, however, that this is the 'norm' isn't realistic. That would be like suggesting anyone that is a social drinker WILL become a wanton, irresponsible, harmful alcoholic. It CAN happen, but, it doesn't HAVE to happen.

[K9soul]

Originally posted by Cataholic
PPD of this magnitude strikes something like 4% of the population. It isn't the majority.

That is also a good point. I know my own Mom had many other depressing/stressful factors going on in her life when she had her first child, my sister. I am sure a lot of that contributed to her severe PPD. She was very young, in an impulsive marriage that when she looked back, she felt she got married in order to escape her miserable family life. She ended up at home alone all day at 18 with a husband who she felt she couldn't talk to or share her feelings and problems with. All of these things combined with the PPD I'm sure made it much more intense than "normal."

[sirrahbed]

I am prone to depression anyway and did suffer with PPD but only with my first of three children. Thank God it did not last too long! So, I feel very sad for this woman and remember feeling very similar. But, those feelings, if they happen at all, do pass. I am glad she found help and hope she can return to enjoying her family again. For me, even though I grew up NOT planning to ever have children, I can look back and know that without a doubt - having and raising my three was the very best time of my life. Well, now I am entering grandmotherhood - that may be even better!:D
I am glad I was wrong about my initail plan not to have a family.

Others just know and stick with their decisions and it is right for them. But, I would hope that the fear of PPD is never a sole reason to avoid having children. It is just a statistic and a fairly small one. It is also not permanent. It passes.

[CathyBogart]

Not the sole reason...one of many. I'm glad you made the right decision for you and you don't automatically assume that anyone who makes a different choice for themselves will change their minds. :)

[Jods]

WOW can't wait to have kids! ;)

[lynnestankard]

Don't let this scare you.

It's ilke most things - good and bad all mixed up. You sort of go from very high highs to extremley low lows with a lot of hanging round in the middle.

I'd never been depressed in my life and our first born was 18 months old and SLAM - there I was in a black tunnel crying for I knew not what, feeling sick - being sick - felt I was dieing. And what was it - depression. Yikes. I loved and adored my lovely daughter - she WAS hard work because she was so intelligent and wanted to know and do everything. It took a very patient husband, a caring Mujm and Dad and an understanding doctor and six months down the line I was fine. Did it affect me? NO - I had our second born 4 years later and guess what - NO depression!!!
It just goes to show - you can't know if your going to be depressed or not.

All I can say is that at the moment our elder daughter is trying to conceive and things aren't going to good - I pray and hope she reaches her goal - even if she has to go through depression it wouldn't put her off wanting a baby.

Most women never give it a thought - maybe that's why it's such a shock when it hits.

Life goes on and luckily most women come through a lot wiser and a lot more understanding.

I hope this woman will soon be home with her family - having had the help and love she needs.

Lynne

[Tonya]

Wow, that was depressing! I am greatful that motherhood doesn't feel that way to me.

I did suffer PPD with Jaden, but it only lasted about two months. I have already discussed my problems with depression with my doctor. We are prepared to deal with PPD when the baby comes.