bsherman
08-20-2004, 08:37 AM
Here are couple of letters I received by email from a fellow Lab lover, the letters seem long but fun. Barb
Subject: Fw: Letter to Dogs
>
> Dear Dogs:
>
> When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
> each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw
> print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain
> my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and
food
> does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
> that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me
> to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
> faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size
bed.
> I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
> couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can
> actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
> each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to
> maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm. My compact discs are
not
> miniature Frisbees.
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some
> miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
> necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
> edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
> entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
> attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell
the
> other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
> change for you.
>
> Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
>
> 1. The dog lives here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
>
> 3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
>
> 4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is
> short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
> 5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
> the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
> your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
> drink,
> don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes,
> don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant,
> you
> can sell the pups.
>
> The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
>
> Please pass this on to those who appreciate the humor (and truth).
Subject: Fw: Letter to Dogs
>
> Dear Dogs:
>
> When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
> each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw
> print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain
> my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and
food
> does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
> that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me
> to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
> faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size
bed.
> I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the
> couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can
> actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
> each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end
to
> maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm. My compact discs are
not
> miniature Frisbees.
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some
> miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
> necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the
> edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
> entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine
> attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell
the
> other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
> change for you.
>
> Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
>
> 1. The dog lives here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
>
> 3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
>
> 4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is
> short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
> 5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
> the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
> your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
> drink,
> don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes,
> don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant,
> you
> can sell the pups.
>
> The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
>
> Please pass this on to those who appreciate the humor (and truth).