Dear Alcohol,

[Tonya]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests
at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your review.



1.) Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance
or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not what to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?



2.) Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie &
some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a
Kit-Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.



3.) Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.



4.) Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever
being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows,
ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, or bras.
Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when
a flash is presented?



5.) Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I
do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beerbelly,
etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they
so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??


6.) Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable.

My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.



Thank you,

Your biggest fan.



THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[Vio&Juni]

:D :D Very funny!

[moosmom]

Tonya,

SOME of it could also be addressed to Marijane (munchies, clumsiness, late night phone calls, etc.)

I have been clean and sober for over a month now. Years ago I stopped drinking when I was 40. I had 9 years sobriety under my belt until I moved to Michigan (what I call a "drunk's paradise"). There's a liquor store every 50 yards, that are open very late and on weekends (including Sundays). Liquor is available in grocery and convenience stores. I began drinking wine only. I realized that I had blown 9 years of sobriety. I knew that if I continued, it MIGHT (not always) lead to stronger stuff. That's when I decided to give it up totally. I can't beat myself up over the 9 years I blew, all I can do is learn from that and move on. I am more alert, sleep better at night and have money in my pocket. I have also gone back to AA meetings. Hey, it beats paying a shrink $75/hr. and it's free!! ;)

Connecticut on the otherhand, has laws where the liquor stores close at 8 pm (because of the many robberies back in the 70's) and are closed on Sundays. Liquor is NOT available in grocery and convenience stores.

Thanks for such a great piece!!!

[Tonya]

Congratulations on being clean and sober!

You know, I've always been a social drinker...if there was alcohol there, I was going to drink...Going to a party and not drinking was unheard of for me.

Well, since I've been pregnant, I really kind of had a revolution. My friends keep making fun of me because I used to make fun of people who say this...but I actually find that I have more fun not drinking. I never realized what asses people make of themselves until I came to a social event sober. lol.

I'm sure I'll drink socially again after the baby, but I think I've now realized that you can go to a party and still have fun sober. I don't think drinking will ever be that important to me again.

[trayi52]

So funny!!!:D :D

Willie:D

[DJFyrewolf36]

I'm suprised I find this funny, but I do. I'm a recovering alchoholic. I was really bad in high school and my first couple of years in college. It was really ruining my life, but I didn't see it. It took my hubby to wake me up and see how I was destroying my health and my relationships with people. *I was a social drunk, life of the party type. Normally Im not this way, so it got to the point where some people would only hang out with me while I was drunk, how lame is that?* I have liver damage now and have to monitor my diet and stuff. But I always say it could be a lot worse of a situation.

[moosmom]

I had to hit rock bottom before I admitted I had a problem. When my friends found out I was in AA, they told me they never realized I had a drinking problem. I think that was because they also drank as much as I did!!

When I hit rock bottom, I was suicidal, unemployed and very depressed. I THOUGHT the only way I could make all the problems go away was to drink them away. Boy was I ever wrong.

As I worked the AA program, I realized how much drinking I actually did do. Work functions there was ALWAYS alcohol at business dinner meetings. I remember my absolute WORST time was the alcoholic black outs. Not remembering what I did the night before. Driving on the highway after drinking three Long Island Iced Teas on an empty stomach, totaling my car 50 miles away from home in a black out. I was VERY lucky I didn't kill myself or someone else. I woke up in the hospital ER with my father standing over me asking me what I drank.

When you go into the program, you have to totally change your way of life and the people you hang out with. It was hard because some of my friends told me I wouldn't be fun anymore if I didn't drink.

I am not proud of what I've done, but I am proud of how far I've come since then. ;)

[My Peanuts]

Very funny, Tonya :D

[RedHedd]

Thank you moosmom. I've been wondering if there were any other "Friends of Bill" here on PT but have been hesitant to post such a thread .... and have remained anonymous until now. I've been clean & sober for over 18 years. I had a very strong feeling that there were a few of us here on PT. Anyone else?

[moosmom]

RedHedd,


I've been clean & sober for over 18 years.

:eek: Wow!!!

My 10 year old cat, Mollie Rose, came from the Bill Wilson Homestead in East Dorset, VT!! She was born in their barn. My friends run the place with the help of volunteers. It's a wonderful, serene place that I miss going to. When I lived in CT, I could just hop in my car and drive there. That's one of the things I miss the most.

[RedHedd]

Originally posted by moosmom
:eek: Wow!!! It's just one day at a time ... some days it surprises me too.

[Tonya]

Congratulations, everyone to your sobriety. I know it isn't an easy thing and I commend you! ((((((hugs))))))

[CatMama78]

Lol - funny letter. I used to drink a lot in college amongst other 'recreational' activities. But I've stopped. I'm not going to lie - I would still love to partake, but just don't. One major reason is I'm on a diet and alcohol not only adds unwanted calories but lowers your inhibition and will make me pig out, lol. Plus I can no longer deal with hangovers. To me the hangover (I get REALLY bad ones) are much worse than the high feeling alcohol creates. But I do love the sauce when I drink it.