best friend problem advice needed

[guster girl]

I'll try to summarize. I have a situation I've never encountered before. My best friend and I, unbeknownst to eachother, have been talking and hanging out with the same guy for a few weeks. And, let me just say that we just hadn't talked for a couple of weeks because of work and everything. We are really close, but, she's just recently moved about 45 minutes away, and, we haven't hung out like we were. anyway, I really dig this guy, even though we had both said that we would only stay friends for our own reasons (mostly just bad timing). I found out from my friend that he had asked her how close she and i were and that he didn't want to come between us. So, she asked me how I would feel if they started to date. I told her, that because I had feelings for him and we had hung out a lot in the last couple of weeks and that the relationship hadn't been 100% plutonic, that I wouldn't be comfortable if they started to date. I told her, though, that I want her to be happy, even if that means I have to back out of the situation completely. It's become this major issue now because she is showing no signs of wanting to just stay friends with this guy even though she knows how hurt i'd be if they went further with the relationship. I tried to explain to her that if the tables were turned, I'd never go out with a guy my friend liked, no matter who the guy was. But, I wanted to see what some outsiders had to say about the situation. Anyway, let me know what you guys think. The few people in my life that know the situation all say the same thing. If she was really my friend, she would not go any further with the guy because of my feelings for him. I don't like that thought, but, it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to accept that she's more than likely going to be dating him soon, regardless of my feelings. I'm sad! Let me know what y'all think!

[Tonya]

There are gazillions of guys out there. I firmly believe that friends should never ever share boyfriends. In fact, last year, a friend of mine moved in with my highschool boyfriend. I was pissed. She thought that was ridiculous because I am married and I was with that guy 10 years ago. But it didn't have anything to do with me being jealous or whatever. I just think friends shouldn't do that. There is no reason to. All of my friends know that I feel very strongly about that subject. I would never ever touch any guy they dated and I expect the same respect. So, to sum it up...your friend is wrong.

[guster girl]

Well, Tonya, I can see you have very strong opinions on the subject. ;) I'm not AS strongly opinionated as you are, but, I do think that in most situations, you're absolutely right. I mean, for the most part, most of the guys I've dated I wouldn't care at all if my niece or my friends dated them. I mean, I prefer it not to be a week later! But, for me, it's the simple fact that I developed strong feelings for the guy, quickly, and, they are still in my heart. He's still someone I think of dailly and would like to be with. And, because of those feelings, I don't think she should consider going out with him. It was like I already had this open wound cuz I knew I wasn't going to be with him like I'd like to be, and, finding out that she's into him to was just like rubbing salt on the wound that had just been inflicted. But, again, I think if you're friends with someone and you know how they feel about the subject, you owe them as a friend to respect their feelings. And, for me, as long as I no longer have feelings for the guy, I don't care who dates him. But, if I'm still hurt by what they did or still have feelings for him, then, I think it's off limits to my friends. It's just asking for problems.

[dukedogsmom]

I would try to remain friends with your best friend. All kinds of guys can come along in your life but, believe me, you'll have very few best friends. That is something that you should really treasure and try to keep.

[Tonya]

Originally posted by dukedogsmom
I would try to remain friends with your best friend. All kinds of guys can come along in your life but, believe me, you'll have very few best friends. That is something that you should really treasure and try to keep.

That is very good advice. Men will come and go. I'm still friends with that girl, and that guy is long gone. For me, mainly it grosses me out that we kissed the same guy and *cough* whatnot *cough*.

[heinz57_79]

This is a tricky situation... Only once have I ever gone after a friend's ex/gf/bf/sig. other, but there were weird circumstances. Generally, i think it's a big no no. If 2 friends find themselves attracted to the same person, the friendship should come first and they should BOTH remove the other person from their lives. If one friend continues to persue the other person despite knowing it could hurt their friend, then maybe the friendship wasn't as strong as they thought.

Friendships should ALWAYS come first. Friends will be there for the long haul, but "relationships" will come and go. Obviously in a strong friendship hurting each other, stepping on each other's toes, shoudlnt even be an option. It would be silly to ruin a friendship over a guy, especially when the chances of the relationship being long term are slim! But at the same time, if your friend doesn't respect you enough to lay off maybe the friendship should be reevaluated. :)

Just my 2 cents. :D

[Toller 42]

I think being friends are more important! I've never been in a situation like that before because I have no interest in dating so I can't help much, sorry!

[guster girl]

Originally posted by heinz57_79
This is a tricky situation... Only once have I ever gone after a friend's ex/gf/bf/sig. other, but there were weird circumstances. Generally, i think it's a big no no. If 2 friends find themselves attracted to the same person, the friendship should come first and they should BOTH remove the other person from their lives. If one friend continues to persue the other person despite knowing it could hurt their friend, then maybe the friendship wasn't as strong as they thought.

Friendships should ALWAYS come first. Friends will be there for the long haul, but "relationships" will come and go. Obviously in a strong friendship hurting each other, stepping on each other's toes, shoudlnt even be an option. It would be silly to ruin a friendship over a guy, especially when the chances of the relationship being long term are slim! But at the same time, if your friend doesn't respect you enough to lay off maybe the friendship should be reevaluated. :)

Just my 2 cents. :D

That's pretty much exactly how I feel. That's kindof what I'm doing. I'm still friends with the guy, but, told her I'm no longer speaking to him (I don't ignore him, but, I don't go out of my way to start a conversation) because I knew it would only make things harder. But, she shows no interest in keeping their friendship where it's at. I would be totally cool with them being friends, but, I already told her if she dates him knowing how I feel, that I'm not going to stand in her way, but, I'm also going to remove myself from her life. We'll see, though. But, yeah, I'm reevaluating our friendship.

[Nomilynn]

My (ex) best friend is dating Nathan. She knows that I still love him and want him back, and yet she's still with him. She and I will never be friends again, at least never the kind of friends we once were. Any friend who dates an ex is not a real friend whatsoever.

[guster girl]

I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thinks this is crappy of a friend to do. I'm not against my friends dating people I've dated. I can see that a lot of people are even more against it than I am! But, yeah, for me, it's not so much hands off anyone I've ever dated. It's hands off anyone I still have feelings for, or would be bothered by a friend dating. I mean, shoot, my ex husband could marry my best friend and it wouldn't bother me, because i have no feelings for him whatsoever! i really appreciate everyone's input, though. i'm just chillin' with the situation i'm in. I work with the guy and won't ignore him, so, when he emailed me today, i responded. but, he asked me if we were still friends and i told him i wasn't sure who my friends were, but, that i'd let him know once i figured it out. as for her, i told her how i felt and left it in her hands. i'm outta there until whenever. if it's meant to be, it'll happen. so, i'll keep you posted, though if anything comes up. thanks again everyone.

[Nomilynn]

I think I should clarify here.. I agree.. it's the feelings thing. She KNOWS I'm still in love with Nathan. Yet she's messing around with him anyway. I even told her, if you had just WAITED until things between Nathan and I smoothed out.. but no.. it literally took her less than ONE WEEK to make a move. She's left her common law bf and now is having some fling with Nathan. But I agree.. I still love him, and if she was REALLY my friend she would have said from the start, out of respect for Naomi, this HAS to wait if nothing else. But, she didn't. So.. not only did I lose the man I love, but I lost a best friend too. Things like this really do suck. :(

[catnapper]

That is a MAJOR crappy thing to do! Once, when I was "desperately single" I had a serious crush on one guy named Jim (how cute, huh? Jim and Kim?? :D ) and once I found out he had asked my best friend out, and she said no (thank goodness) I was no longer interested in him at all. The way I looked at it was that she knew how I felt about him and she respected that enough to say no, and in turn, I no longer wanted him because he wanted her more than me and I refuse to date anyone who doesn't choose me first. I know, I'm weird that way (I feel it like a guy that dumps you then calls back a few months later to get back together... if you didn't want me once, why would you want me again?) But I digress.... my situation was a bit different because you and he didn't have a chance to find out what could have been before he asked your best friend. I think friends should always abide by the "no date ex-BF EVER" pact.

Another story (on a junior highschool level) my daughter learned early this year to NEVER EVER date a friends ex no matter what she says, and no matter how long they dated, no matter how badly they split up! She dated her on friend's ex (we're talking 8th graders here, so they REALLY had SUCH a history together! They dated a whole 2 weeks! :D) and this poor kid harassed my daughter every day. She called 15 times a day to see what my daughter was up to. It was VERY annoying, the jealousy. My daughter broke up after an equally long time of dating the same boy and the friendship has never been the same since. We told her before she started dating the boy to not go there, despite what the friend said (she said it was ok... duh, it wasn't!) She now knows to not even THINK about another friend's ex.

[guster girl]

Originally posted by Nomilynn
I think I should clarify here.. I agree.. it's the feelings thing. She KNOWS I'm still in love with Nathan.

Ah, I see. I'm sorry, I know how much that sucks, too. SHe's not my best friend, but, I did have a friend that didn't wait too long to hop on my love when I was out of the picture. Actually, he didn't wait too long to hop on her, though, and, she was married to a friend of his. It was a big ol' mess, but, basically, we were friends with this couple, and, she divorced him to be with my ex. Of course, not before they hooked up in her and her man's bedroom. I still have issues with him, but, am finally able to go a day without thinking of him. And, ironically enough, it's because of the guy that my best friend now is wanting to date. ha ha i love irony. and, sarcasm. ;)

[Samantha Puppy]

There are millions of guys out there. Your "best" friend needs to realize this before she loses you. My best friend and I made a pact back in middle school before we even started dating that once we made known our interest in a certain guy, he was off limits to the other. And once we did start dating, anyone we had gone out with - even on a single date - was off limits. It worked very well and she and I never had a problem following our agreement because we realized how special our relationship with each other was and how no person should (or would) ever come between us.

[guster girl]

Originally posted by catnapper
and once I found out he had asked my best friend out, and she said no (thank goodness) I was no longer interested in him at all. The way I looked at it was that she knew how I felt about him and she respected that enough to say no, and in turn, I no longer wanted him because he wanted her more than me and I refuse to date anyone who doesn't choose me first.

Exactly. If she had said, after I said that I DID have feelings for him, that she wouldn't go out with him, and, he turned around and started trying to hit on me, I'd turn him down. But, we did go out for a couple weeks. I mean, on a few dates, hung out a lot. But, yeah, I would think that, even if she didn't turn him down on grounds of us being friends, that she would turn him down because he and I went out first and NOW he's going after her. I'd have a problem being second, too. Oh, well. At this point, I'm not stressing anymore. I'll just deal with it one day at a time. I know it'll be weird the first time she and I see eachother, but, I'll survive. :)

[micki76]

Originally posted by guster girl
If she was really my friend, she would not go any further with the guy because of my feelings for him. I don't like that thought, but, it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to accept that she's more than likely going to be dating him soon, regardless of my feelings.

I think this paragraph says it all, Kari.

[guster girl]

Yeah, I'm just going to not stress out over it anymore. She and I haven't emailed or talked today, which is ok. I'm just waiting to see what happens in the next couple of weeks. There's a party for my other best friend that this girl will be at, so, hopefully, something will have been said by then. I'll still go, regardless, but, it could be weird.