Uniqueviking
11-06-2001, 11:58 AM
Found this on another site and it's absolutely hilarious. Pls. take your time and read it - it's definitely worth it :D
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily
vacated, and then bite my human on the tush when she sits back
down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason
after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over our humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his
shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my
private parts to compare odors. My female human might find
it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it,
especially in front of company.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not
proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting
on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm
getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.
(It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall,
and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The
X-Files.
When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown
things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are
NOT to be played with!
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with
claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort
and he wakes up all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around
with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful
I am.
I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there
is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch
when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out
f my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my
human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock
it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small
bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect
the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see
me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me
smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult
when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard.
There have been for several years. I don't have to act as
if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe
each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these
days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air
and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are
not a hammock.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need
my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet
Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!",
"BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom.
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her
on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven
and can now pet me.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests,
my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live
cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea.
I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading
the floor afterwards.
I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the
toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with
used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans
take the catnip toy away from me.
I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal
relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday
afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being
brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up
My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't
done the first, none of the other things would have
happened.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa3trrtyy
[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: Uniqueviking ]
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily
vacated, and then bite my human on the tush when she sits back
down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason
after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over our humans' bed
while they're trying to sleep.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his
shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my
private parts to compare odors. My female human might find
it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it,
especially in front of company.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not
proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting
on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm
getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.
(It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall,
and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The
X-Files.
When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown
things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are
NOT to be played with!
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with
claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort
and he wakes up all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around
with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful
I am.
I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there
is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch
when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out
f my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my
human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock
it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small
bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect
the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see
me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me
smash into floors and walls.
That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult
when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard.
There have been for several years. I don't have to act as
if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe
each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are
trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these
days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air
and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are
not a hammock.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need
my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start
writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet
Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!",
"BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom.
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her
on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven
and can now pet me.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion
that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests,
my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live
cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea.
I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading
the floor afterwards.
I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the
toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with
used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans
take the catnip toy away from me.
I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal
relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday
afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being
brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up
My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't
done the first, none of the other things would have
happened.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa3trrtyy
[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: Uniqueviking ]