Public potties

[micki76]

This is hilarious... a little long, but it will definitely give you a chuckle... I was ROTFLOL. :D

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Victoria's Secret underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors
Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance."

Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumb.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head, "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a fine spray of water that wets your whole bottom. Then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

P.S. - The answer to the other question, why women go in pairs... This is so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.

[Corinna]

That was too funny but so true . But you forgot about the spray Lysol that is so cold you leave peices of your hide on the seat(yes using Lysol allows you to sit)

[popcornbird]

LOL!!! :D That is hilarious! I never use public toilets unless I ***have*** to, and I always take a bottle of water with me. Tissue isn't good enough. Yuck. :p

[anna_66]

:DLOL! That was too funny!!! Thanks for the chuckle:D

[G.P.girl]

LMAO!!! that's funny! i NEVER sit on a toilet. not even my own lol, even if i just finished cleaning it...call me anal:rolleyes: :p

[Tonya]

LMAO! That is so true. Back in the 80's, when AIDS was new and big, my mom used to say you can get AIDS from toilet seats.

[MariaM]

That was funny, but I'm not too worried lol. Just take a shower or bath when you get home!

[Tonya]

You know what kind of makes me laugh? How paranoid people get, especially about porta potties...and then you go to a social event where there are porta potties and alcohol....Everyone gets to a point where they don't care how gross the porta potty is. lol.

[gini]

I have never forgotten something a dear woman told me once.

She said, "I always sit on public toilets and do you know why?"

"Why, I asked."

"I sit down and make myself comfortable because all of the other women do the stance."

[heinz57_79]

LOL too funny! After living in Asia most of my life, pulic toilets in the US are baby juice in comparison! hehehe You've never lived until you've experienced The Hole. :D

[G.P.girl]

Originally posted by gini
because all of the other women do the stance."
and they splatter :rolleyes:

[popcornbird]

Originally posted by heinz57_79
LOL too funny! After living in Asia most of my life, pulic toilets in the US are baby juice in comparison! hehehe You've never lived until you've experienced The Hole. :D

Are you talking about those toilets that are on the ground??? I HATE THOSE!!!!!!! They have them in most eastern countries, and most homes there have all normal toilets, with one *floor* one. Even the airports have one section in the bathrooms with normal toilets, and ground ones on the other side. I refuse to use the hole in the ground. Ahhh, at least you don't have to sit on them and get germs. :p

[gini]

Originally posted by G.P.girl
and they splatter :rolleyes:

:D :D :D

[Tonya]

Oh, dear! I couldn't even imagine using a floor toilet.

We got these thingys at work called Brief Reliefs....When I first started my job, I was all worried about a female burdening the guys, so I used them. I can name so many embarrassing disaster stories with those dumb things! Now that I've been there awhile, I don't care what the guys think. I pack up and drive and find a bathroom.


http://www.aviate.biz/ProductImages/briefrelief.gif

[G.P.girl]

ok...what the heck is brief relief? if it's what i think it is......wow...

i used a floor toilet in austria once, it was even nastier than a real toilet cause it had these gross handle things, adn you can't just not touch them...or you'd fall on your butt....*sigh*how much easier would it be if i were a guy?...

[Tonya]

A brief relief is a ziplock bag with these crystal things that jel up. Kinda like clumping litter. The few times I used them, I procrastinated for so long, that by the time I went, I really had to go. Didn't quite work out, if ya know what I mean.

Oh, gosh...I have to tell a story. (again) Those of you that heard my whole sexual harrassment ordeal at work will get a kick out of this, it involves that guy that pushed me down.

This was a few years ago. Dave was working in a manhole and I was working a few blocks away from him on a pole. (I work at the phone company). He paged me and said he had to go somewhere. He wanted to take my truck because his truck was hooked up to the cable and airblowers. You couldn't really move his truck. So I came to relieve him and he took my truck. He told me he'd be back in 20 minutes. And I sat in his truck and waited. Well, I really really really had to pee. And Dave had both my truck and his truck keys. Well, three hours pased. So, I finally got desperate and dug around on his truck for a brief relief. I climb down the ladder of the manhole (the only private place to use it) and the dang manhole is three feet deep with water. He had been to lazy to pump the water out...apparently, he'd been standing on the ladder working on that all day rather then standing on the ground. Well, by then, I really really had to go. So I decided to try to balance on the ladder and pee into the brief relief. Well, just my luck, I slipped, and the dang brief relief splashed pee all over me. Which, as you could imagine was really really uncool.

So, he came back and he wanted me to stay and help him. Well, obviously, I wanted to go somewhere and shower and change. But of course, I really didn't want to tell him what had happened.

So...this is the funny part....

He was arguing about me taking off, so I finally figured I had to give a little info...So I said "Dave, I had an accident, I need to go change..." (I am laughing so hard as I type this.) As I was saying that, I had meant to insinuate that I'd started my period and needed to go change. I wasn't about to tell him I had pee all over myself.

And then Dave goes "Oh, I totally understand...That happens to me all the time."

I go "What happens to you?"

*snickers* get ready for this....

He goes "You know, I poop my pants. After lunch, I just can't hold it. I always bring a spare change of clothes just in case....It happens like once a week to me."

He was dead serious. He was really telling me this because he thought I'd pooped my pants just like him. lmao.

p.s. I appologize to those of you who get offended or grossed out easily.

[G.P.girl]

LMAO!!! did you tell him you didn't poop your pants??

[Tonya]

I was laughing to hysterically to say anything. He got the drift. He made me swear up and down not to tell anyone. It was really hard not to, but I only told my friends, family, and close co-workers. (To name a few.) The story is so funny that it is worth sparing the embarrasment that I spilled pee on myself.

[almamee]

Great story you should be a story teller lol

[GoldenRetrLuver]

LOL! That was great!

ROTFLMAO Tonya!! I was laughing so hard through the whole thing. That story is definately a keeper. :D:p

[catnapper]

Originally posted by Tonya
I was laughing to hysterically to say anything. He got the drift. He made me swear up and down not to tell anyone. It was really hard not to, but I only told my friends, family, and close co-workers. (To name a few.) The story is so funny that it is worth sparing the embarrasment that I spilled pee on myself.

LOL! Now you've told the whole pet loving world! ROTFL!

Oh Tanya, that story was too funny, I'm wiping my eyes from the tears of laughing to hard!

Ok, back to the whole public potty thing. I LOVE those little tissue paper things you pull out and lie on the seat. I nearly pinch myself when I find a public restroom that provides them.. and usually they are also the cleaner variety of restroom.

Another story. My brother is like the hand-washing police. If he goes to a public restroom and a guy doesn't wash his hands, my brother will whisper to al of us that so-and-so didn't wash his hands. One time we were at the Philadelphia Zoo for a party thrown for all of the city's Interior Designers by one of the big firms. I didn't want to go alone, so I brought my bro. I met up with someone from design school so we chatted for a while. My brother did the elbow-me-whisper-about-unwashed-hands thing, and then my former classmate introduced her fiance - aka Mr. didn't-wash-hands and I was standing there thinking of a way to politely greet him without having to shake his hand! :eek:

[gini]

Just a few tidbits to add to this thread.

I read in the paper the other day that a man was using a portable john and threw a cigarette in it. The methane gas had built up and it ignited when he threw the cigarette in. He was injured and managed to drive himself to the hospital. Bet he won't do that again.

Also, speaking of washing your hands...........most people barely get their hands wet. You are supposed to wash for at least 15 seconds to be really clean. Try it sometime and count 15 seconds as you wash. You will be surprised how much longer that is than the time you usually take.

Tonya, there is no question - you do not have a dull life!!!

[Tonya]

And another thing about washing hands...I'm a real stickler about this...(Aside from when I'm stuck at work...)

Touching ANYTHING in that bathroom after you wash your hands. I don't touch the faucet, the papertowel thingy, the door handle, nothing! I get a papertowl before I even wash my hands to touch all that stuff. Because all those dontwashtheirhands people have touched that stuff!

[MariaM]

I agree Tonya! I always try to use paper towel to touch the doorhandle and stuff.

[G.P.girl]

i use a paper towel to touch everything, to turn the sink on , to turn it off to roll the paper towels down. and i use my foot to flush. i don't even use those toilet covers when they do have them, i can't even imagaine sitting on one....ugh! how do guys do it? you alwasy hear about them going and plopping down on the public toilets and reading a magazine
:confused:

[Tonya]

I don't bother with the paper thingys...I just don't sit on the toilet. Pee can soak right from the toilet seat through those paper things!

[G.P.girl]

yep and i hat ethose toilets that flush and get you all wet if you squat too low...:rolleyes: i wonder if anyone sits on a porta-pottie?

[sirrahbed]

I went to visit my daughter (Sirrahsim) in Japan this past March. The toilets there were...um...an experience! HERE (http://www.asahi-net.or.jp/~AD8Y-HYS/movie.htm) is even a little animation for those who want to *experience* it:D I tried it - much to the embarrassment of my daughter:o My only problem was getting back UP:rolleyes: It really is rather sanitary though! See what ya think:D

[Tonya]

My husband never mentioned those toilets! No way!

[sirrahbed]

Originally posted by Tonya
My husband never mentioned those toilets! No way!
The japanese??:) Oh YES - in the train stations and public restrooms:D If you want a regular one - you have to request "western toilet":D :D Bring your own TP and a towel to dry your hands, also. Ask hubby:)

[popcornbird]

Originally posted by sirrahbed
The japanese??:) Oh YES - in the train stations and public restrooms:D If you want a regular one - you have to request "western toilet":D :D Bring your own TP and a towel to dry your hands, also. Ask hubby:)

Those are the ground toilets I was talking about. :p

I guess I never knew the front from the back then. I always thought the front was the other way around. :o

[gini]

I have a serious question.

Does anyone out there know of someone who received some gawdawful disease/rash/infection/ from sitting on a public toilet seat - touching the faucets - touching the door handles?

[luckies4me]

hah, that is so funny! That is exactly what I do too! :D Reading this thread just made me laugh my butt off!~

[Tonya]

Originally posted by gini
I have a serious question.

Does anyone out there know of someone who received some gawdawful disease/rash/infection/ from sitting on a public toilet seat - touching the faucets - touching the door handles?

Yes! The joy of working with a bunch of dirty men...I get to hear the stories. One of the guys I work with sat on a toilet and got a rash that was shaped like the toilet seat on his bottom. The doctor said it was a chemical rash from the cleansers. lol.