My father is in the hospital

[Denyce]

Last Thursday I got a phone call from my Aunt Jeannewho is my fathers sister in California. My father is in CA also. He lives in Carlsbad and my Aunt lives in the Santee area. So I get home from work and such on Thursday and there is a call from my aunt to call her back. My dad had been having shortness of breath and pain in his arms when he did his morning walk. His doctor sent him to a cardioligist who did a stress eko test on Thursday. Apparently he failed it so badly the doc immediately admitted him to the hospital for an angiogram.

He is in Scripps Memorial in La Jolla. He was to have the angiogram on Friday. Apparently when they were in his heart with the camera's they decided to do a quadruple bypass. My aunt has been pretty good about emailing me and keeping me informed. Friday night when I phoned after his surgery my cousin was there. She was quite snotty. But then she is a stuck up snob that I didn't like when we were children and I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years. Friday night reminded me why. My aunt is the first contact in case anything happens but my snotty cousin put herself as second contact. Neither of them even told anyone at the hospital that he has a daughter.

When I phoned that Friday night I could hear the shock in the nurses voices that he had a daughter and snotty cousin Doreen had to admit it.

I am frustrated and worried about my dad. I can't fly to CA because of money and work obligations. I just can't leave work right now. We are heading into our busiest time of the year and there are a couple of tests that I do that no one else in the lab knows how to do. So if I am not there they don't get done. And they have to be done as soon as the sample comes into the lab. I have spoken to the directer about this several times but we are so short staffed that there isn't a good solution. I don't know what they will do if something major ever happens to me and at that point I won't even care. But that is not the point now.

What is the point now is I hate how the people at the hospital treat me and my snotty cousin's attitude. I would love dearly to be able to go there. But I can't! Most of the people who answer the phone get so exasperated when I ask about my dad. I hear the *huff* in their voices. Most of the time I am told to call back in 15 or 20 minutes. Which I do. I try to be soooo patient and kind. I explain over and over that I am in PA. With each new shift they are shocked again that he has a daughter. I haven't called more than twice in each day (not including when told to call back). I don't think that is an excessive amount considering he is still in the ICU and not out of the woods yet.

I am just venting. *sigh* It is hard being so far away when someone you care about is ill.

Denyce

[lynnestankard]

Oh Denyce - {{{Hugs}}} across the miles sweetheart

This must be so awful for you to go through - my heart goes out to you.
Just a thought - couldn't they add to your Dad's notes that you are his daughter and then you don't have to explain every time you phone. Not sure how things work over there - but here they can put things like that on patient's notes - makes it easier all round.
Your snotty cousin sounds horrendous - what the **** right has she to put herself as second contact?
I understand they can contact your Aunt quicker with her being local - but surely you should in informed at the same time?

Maybe a call through to the hospitals administrator - or whatever you have over there - might be able to clear things up a little - God knows you've got enough to worry about.

I'm keeping your Dad in my thoughts and prayers - hoping things come good.

Chin up.

Lynne

[sirrahbed]

(((Denyce)))) oh so sorry! I can empathize VERY well as I am in Ohio and folks live(d) in Texas. I went through this with mom two years ago and worry so much now when dad is not well. When mom was at her worst, my dad and I were NOT getting along well and I often had trouble getting information about her because HE was angry and would hang up on me! I do not see why the staff there should be giving you an attitude though. YOU are his next of kin!! Perhaps a call to a hospital administrator or advocate is in order?? Since you work in a hospital, you should know the correct people to call, or could ask around to find out?? I would not be sure because I have been out of the hospital workplace for such a long time. How frustrating to be worried about your dad, tied to your work and feeling so helpless - then to be treated badly both by snotty bratty relatives AND hospital staff! So sorry!!!

[Karen]

Do, as Lynn suggested, contact an administrator at the hospital and explain that you are his daughter and ask to be put on his records as a contact person. Your cousin's behavior is inexcusable, but it should not interfere with your rights as his daughter.

It is never easy having a loved one who is ill. You and your dad will be in our prayers.

[Denyce]

thank you both for your hugs.

They have told me that they put a note in the folder saying he has a daughter but it seems they just don't read the notes? I haven't talked to the same person more than once since he has been there. I have been tempted to complain however I am afraid that just might make things worse. So I just take deep breaths and try to remain calm. That is why it took so long for me to post anything on here because I was just trying to ignore it and remain centered. But that isn't in my nature...*L*

I just got off the phone with another nurse and she said he has been off the blood pressure meds for 4 hours now and is stable so they should be able to move him to a private room today. I hope so. They I can phone him directly.

sirrahbed,

I am sorry I didn't clarify. I realize from my post you thought I worked in a hospital lab. I work in an agricultural lab. Doesn't seen as important huh? *L* But we test plants, soils, manures, composts, biosolids and anything else organic that comes along. Then we work with farmers and greenhouse growers and researches and just people that have their own gardens or landscapers to know how to keep their crops growing well. So some of the tests I do on composts have to be done promptly because of the decomposition of the compost it can change hourly. We do an upper tier of testing for people that make finished composts to sell. Like you would buy big bags of composts in Lowes or such. They need to have this certain certification to be able to sell a finished compost and the tests we do provide that. So I no nothing about how a hospital works.

But I am going to keep trying to remain positive.

Denyce

[Karen]

Send flowers or something tangible - they don't have to be expensive, after all, he's a GUY, just something people will notice so he can say "Oh, those are from my daughter" to reinforce over and over that you exist, and that you care.

Wow, so you're a dirt-tech? Cool! :)

[kimlovescats]

((((BIG HUGS)))) Denyce!!! I am so sorry that your father has been so ill, and you have in addition to that .. had to deal with your "relatives" being so snotty!:rolleyes: I agree that maybe sending something would be a good gesture ... and like you said, once he is in a private room .... call him yourself and tell him how you feel!!! ;)

Prayers for you both!

Kim

[catnapper]

{{{{HUGS}}}} I am so sorry that they are making this much more difficualt than it should be! They don't need to add to the stress of the situation! I hope you can continue being the peacemaker and being as nice as can be given the situation. I'd be screaming at them over the phone! :mad:

Prayers on their way for you and your father (and maybe a few extra ones to make your aunt and cousin nice.)

[moosmom]

Denyce,

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. He's lucky that they caught it early, before a heart attack or anything.

Hang in there. You, your family and your Dad will be in my prayers. Please keep us posted.

(((((hugs)))))

Donna

[slick]

I'm so sorry to hear about your Father, Denyce.
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. All my family is within a 20 min drive from me. Hugs and prayers are coming your way.

[tatsxxx11]

Oh Denyce! I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad! Extended family can sometimes be a real thorn in the side when dealing with such issues. And you being so far away certainly compounds the problem. Is there no way the lab will allow you to take some "personal days" or vacation time? This definitely is a family medical emergency!

And as nurse, I can tell you, such behavior, such a response on the part of the staff is unaccepable!!! Your Dad's chart should be "red flagged" with your name on it as his next of kin and 1st to contact. There needs to be someone (not several people) deemed responsible to make decisions in case your father is unable to and you DO NOT have to be there physically.

Have you talked to your Dad about this? I'm sure you don't want to upset him. But it might be helpful if he could mention to the dr., that he wishes you to be contacted in case of an emergency and wishes for you to be kept updated. You might also ask the staff if perhaps there might be a scheduled time to call, when someone in charge of his care, usually the "case manager," on whatever shift, might update you. And at the end of each shift, the departing shift gives "report" to the oncoming crew. ALL of this info. re: your need to be kept updated, the fact that you need to call, should have been passed on.

You won't get anywhere by talking to the hospital administrator as such. But most hospitals nowadays have a patient advocate rep. that intervenes in such cases. You might try contacting them, too via the patient info. office or Social Services. Yes, it can be difficult for the staff to answer all calls that come in from family; some hospitals don't even allow family calls to be transferred to a floor or unit. But, his dr. should be available for you to speak with daily! Do you have his name? Phone number? Most drs. are very willing to discuss the status of a patient with the family, though you might have to wait until later in the day or evening.

I hope and pray your Dad will have a full and quick recovery. I've been going through the same thing with my Dad and empathize with your inability to be there. He's suffering from leukemia and over the past 6 months, has been hospitalized multiple times, in both New York and Florida and I'm in Mass. The staff always took the time to speak with me as well as his drs. which was a blessing.

I'll be praying for your Dad...sending lots of support your way, Denyce. Sandra

[carole]

HUGS to you denyce,, I Can say I can only imagine how you must be feeling, not being close and not being able to take time off, when my dad had a sudden heart attack, I was so thankful to be just ten minutes down the road from our main hospital, so Dear my thoughts are with you, and I hope your Dad makes a speedy recovery, and that this problem at the hospital can be sorted, that is so wrong that they donot know about you, and that you are getting treated this way.

TAKE MUCH CARE,positive vibes from across the miles.

[Denyce]

Well good news!

I just talked to my father on the phone!!! YEA!!!.. It was sooo good to hear his voice. It is groggy still but that is to be expected. And now I have the phone number for his room by his bed so he can answer the phone himself! His sister Jeanne and her husband Tom were there when I phoned so I didn't stay on long but I promised him I would phone him later.

My father has always been a distant and unemotional man. I could probably count on one hand the number of times in my 42 years that he has said I love you to me. He says it in other ways. But mostly not until the last 5 years or so. He is an alcoholic and has been since I was a child. He wouldn't admit to it or deal with it ever. The only thing that made him deal with his alcoholism is when he was diagnosed with diabetes about 6 years ago. For many years we didn't even have a relationship. When he and my mother divorced when I was 19 and already gone from the house he sort of divorced me also. But after 15 years I started working my way into his life again. It has been a long hard struggle. The fact that my mother lives with my husband and I made it harder for my father because of the animosity from him towards her.

But we kept working through it all. He drove out here to PA for my wedding 3 years ago. So I hadn't seen my dad since I was 20 years old, I was getting married at the age of 39. It had been 19 long years and he showed up the day before my wedding. I also had never met my future in-laws and they showed up the day before my wedding also but that is another story. It was sooooo scary and so stressful. But it was also so wonderful. My father had given us 5000 for my wedding. He was so proud. But I didn't know that. I knew what effort it had taken for him to come but I didn't realize how proud he was of me. I had gained like 100 pounds since he had last seen me and growing up in San Diego with that attitude I felt like a failure.

Over the last 3 years he has shown how much he loves me by keeping in touch and buying extravagant gifts for the occasions. I got the Roomba vacumn cleaner when it first came out, a DVD recorder, a talking remote thermometer for cooking, full spectrum lights called Happy Eyes and boxes of food from Omaha Steaks plus much much more. He always spends at least 500 dollars. But he never says he loves me. When I tell him I love you dad at the end of the conversation I get..."uh huh".

This evening I said I love you dad and he said....I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!. *LOL* That was such a great thing to hear him say. AND IN FRONT OF HIS SISTER!!!!! Of course it is probably still the drugs but he said it! I knew he felt it...it is just nice to hear him say it! I also found out from my snotty cousing Doreen that he had shown everyone my wedding video. That he was so proud of me he couldn't wait to show them all my wedding.

Sometimes it takes awful things to happen so that something equally as wonderful can also happen. The balance of the universe you know...the ying and the yang. You just have to have faith in whatever you believe in.

Now I am going to phone the hospital gift shop and have something sent up. Thanks for all your support...I really and truly appreciate it.

Denyce

[Denyce]

Ok I am back from ordering the flowers and a book. I had the poor girl searching all over their shelves and then reading me the back of books till I was happy with one. *L*

This whole thing was such a surprise. I know it caught everyone off guard. My father had gone to a lawyer the day before he went in for the stress eko test to have a living will made out. He had a regular will but decided to change it all and have a living one made out because this way it bypasses probate and has a contingency in case he isn't able to make ANY decision he has already spelled them out. I am so happy he is doing this. He does have some money and property and life insurances and this way all is spelled out as to what he wants done with it all.

I don't really know his side of the family at all. While I was growing up in Encinitas and they were in Santee my father never wanted anything to do with them. The few times we did see them I couldn't stand my cousins. I mean..please....Colleen, Doreen and Maureen. :rolleyes: But once my parents divorced and I had moved to this end of the country he didn't have anyone left. His one friend got remarried and was traveling around the county. So he turned to his sister and started getting closer to them. So I don't want to cause any friction because that is who he has out there. He will never leave CA and I never want to move there again. But I also don't wish to have that side of my family in my life. So I tread this fine line to keep things so they are the best for my father. Because that is what is most important. But I will next time make sure that I am on the contact list.

The pathetic thing is I don't even know the name of his doctor. I have only talked to his nurses. There hasn't seemed to be any real decisions to make so I have made any waves. But once he is out of the hospital I think I will talk to him and tell him that he really needs to have a card in his wallet with my name and number in it. That as his daughter and his main next of kin I want to be better informed as to what is going on.

But I just had some sunflowers with roses and orchids and a book sent to his room. I think I will go make dinner now and relax. It has been a stressful weekend.

Denyce

[Tonya]

Denyce, I am glad to hear that your father is doing better. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your father. :)

[lynnestankard]

AW Denyce when I went to bed last night you were on my mind and look what happened - this morning Good News!

I'm so pleased you've spoken to your Dad - I fully understand where your coming from when you refer to his inability to say I Love You - I had a terrible time when my Mum died regarding this very same thing.
But he's said it!!! I've shed a couple of tears here - I'm just so happy for you :) :)
Now you can talk to him - things wont be as worrying.

Keep us up to date with his recovery won't you?

Lynne

[RobiLee]

Aww, Denyce...I'm so sorry you have been going through such a hard time. Hang in there girl.. I"m so glad that you got to speak to your dad himself. I love the fact that you keep working at your relationship with your father and to actually hear him say I love you must have put you over the top.

Hang in there, Girl!

Big Hugs for you and lot of prayers for you and your day....Robin

[RICHARD]

Glad to hear your dad is o.k..

A few tips for people when calling a hospital for info, to speak to a loved one, etc.

Calls to a hospital administrator are useless. They will contact the Nursing Super, the Super will talk to the nurse.......

Call the unit and ask for the Ward Clerk or Ward Secretary.
They field the calls for the families. There are times you will get a nurse who will pass your call to another nurse. This takes time away from their work looking after patients. The WS can give you updates and answer some of your questions.

If you call to change the Person to be Notified in Case of Emergency- Call the Admitting Office, they fill out the forms.
Have a Social Security # or some unique info so they can verify that you are a member of the family.

A note in a chart is just that, a note.

There are Doctor's Order sheets and Progress Notes....If you call and speak to a doctor and he makes a note on the Dr order sheets it will get buried in the paperwork, same thing with a note made by nurse on the Progress notes...Each day a patient spends in the hospital the farther down in the pile your info will get buried....If you get the Person to be Notified changed you will be the FIRST TO KNOW ANYTHING... That info is readily available..not hidden in a pile of papers!


Try calling the unit your loved one is in at the same time everyday.
Find out the nurse's/ward clerk's name- be patient and cordial.
You'd be amazed at how many nasty phone calls come into a hospital each day. You will be remembered for your courtesy and you'll find it easier to get info, special favors, etc.

[Denyce]

Thanks Richard,

I haven't called at the same time each day because I keep trying to call based upon the information I get the previous day. They gave me the phone number for the Cardiac Care Unit desk rather than having to go through the main operator. When I say who I am and where I am from and that I am calling to find out how my father is doing they always put me on hold right away saying they will get the nurse in charge of him or ask that I phone back in 20 minutes till the nurse is done.

The first morning after his surgery I phoned at 7 am their time since they said they would be trying to get him into a chair at 5 am. Now that he is in a private room with his own phone I don't have to bother the nurses any longer but I am considering asking who is doctor is and setting up a time to speak with him.

I am very polite to the people answering the phones there. Even when they huff at me I don't say anything but pleases and thank you's and such. I always say Hi (insert name they just told me) and introduce myself without being pushy. I know they often feel overworked and underpaid. Don't we all. I just wish sometimes they would also realize that their job just doesn't just include taking care of the patient in front of their faces but also the family surrounding. Even if that family is far away. The young lady in the gift shop was the most pleasent I have come across so far. She was willing to read the backs of books to me so I could pick one out for my dad. *L*

I am hesitant this time around to change the "person to be notified" just because I don't wish to annoy my aunt who then might make things tougher with my father by bad mouthing me. I know that sounds wimpy. But I am going to have a talk with my dad once he is feeling better and let him know that next time I EXPECT to be put on the chart as the one to notify.

What this has been is an learning experience. I have never even thought about the fact that I never put his name down because he is in CA. Plus I know my mother would let him know. And my husband is the first anyway. And he would let my father know...but now I have things to think about.

I am going to make a card for my father that I want him to keep in his wallet in case of an emergency. With my information on it of course!

Denyce:)

[carole]

Denyce I am also so thrilled for you ,and yep along with lynne ,your story brought tears to my eyes, it does indeed take something scarey in our lives to happen and shake us up a bit, like with your Dad to finally open up and share what is in our hearts.

I hope your'e Dad continues to improve and that you get to see him soon if possible.

[kimlovescats]

Denyce this is such wonderful news!!! It brought tears to my eyes to hear of how he told you that he loves you!!! What a precious moment for the two of you!!! My father told me in confidence that his father had never ever said that to him, until he was in the hospital... just a few days before he passed away at age 93!!! So my father waited over FIFTY YEARS to hear those words ONCE from his Dad!:(

Love and Hugs for your father's continued improvement in health and a continued budding and growing relationship between the two of you!!!

Kim;)