Trust -or- Snoop?

[CamCamPup33]

I'm not sure if we have had this topic already, i don't come to the dog house much.. :X

Anyway... I was wondering, if you have a child, or if you plan on having one, would you give them their space? Or would you snoop through their things to find out what's going on?

Example: Last night my dad asked me for my AOL password. Obvious sign that he doesn't trust whatever i do, so he went on and snooped around, he found nothing but he still wanted to do it, thinking he would bust me for something. :p

In my opinion i *Do not* think parents should snoop through their childrens things, such as school notebooks, computers etc. I mean, most kids know right from wrong. I know i do.. So why go and snoop around trying to find something? I don't know, i just hate the idea of it.. It's like your parents just don't trust you..

What's your opinion? Trust -or- Snoop?

[Uabassoon]

My parents weren't total snoops, when it came to me being online they never asked for my passwords or anything like that. But I know my mom always cleaned my room so I'm sure she looked around while she was doing it. It never bothered me since I figured I didn't have anything to hide. I think if I had a kid I would do a little bit of snooping, but nothing too extreme. Personally I feel that it's their house so they have the right to do it. They pay for the internet so they have a right to look at what you're doing. But I also think it would depend on the kid. If I had a kid who seemed to be open and honest with me, even when things were bad then I'd trust them enough to leave their things alone. But if I thought my kid was hiding something from me then I would snoop.

[GoldenRetrLuver]

My parents aren't big 'snoops', but when I first started Middle School, they had the occasional checking of my backpack to make sure nothing *bad* was in it. :p I hated it, but I now could understand why they did it. But now, they give me my space, and I'm pretty sure they trust me.

[catland]

I don't have children, but if I did, I'd snoop.

As long as you are living in their home, you need to respect their rules. Believe it or not, it is a good thing.

Its one of those hard things to understand at your age (gosh, I sound so old when I say that), but think about your Dad's reason for doing so.

It could be that he snoops because he loves you and would be devistated if something happened to you that he could have prevented if only he had snooped a little into your life.

Looking back, I wish my parents had taken a more active interest in my life during my teenage years - unfortunately they were going through hard times and were solving their problems by drinking too much - and I felt pretty much invisible.

Having a parent that cares too much and is a royal pain in the **s is far better than having a parent that doesn't care what happens to you.

[RICHARD]

When you are young you get upset ALL the attention that you parents give to you.

When you get older you wish your parents payed MORE attention to you.

As Catland said, Sometimes it is a pain in the arse.

I don't have a father anymore, I'd gladly give up all my privacy to have him back.

If he didn't care he wouldn't show any concern.

[G.P.girl]

i wouldn't give my password to anyone. not even my parents or borther and sister. it's not because i'm doign anything wrong, it's because i just don't liek ti when people look through my things. i don't even like it if i'm signed on when someone else is using the computer. lol i guess i'm just paraniod:p

[Twisterdog]

This thread is going to be split right down the middle by age, I can already tell. ;)

If you would have asked me this question when I was a teenager, the answer would have been "NO!" Now that I have a teenager, the answer is "Absolutely!"

I agree with Catland and Richard ... parents "snoop" because we worry and care and want what is best for our kids. Parents who don't care what happens probably don't even think of "snooping."

My son can go right ahead and be mad at me now for "snooping." I don't care. It's not my job to be his buddy, it's my job to be his parent. When he grows up he will understand, thank me, and "snoop" through his kids' stuff, too.

Such is the circle of life ...

And remember the kid from the Columbine Highshcool shooting? All kinds of horrible, disturbing things were found in his room after the fact - things that ANYone would have been VERY concerned about. His parents had NO clue, because they "gave him his privacy."

[trayi52]

I agree, I snooped, but I did not nag and yell at my kids, ever. I usually waited a couple days, and then I would ask.

Yes, my kids had kerfews, they had to let me know where they were going, and who they were going to be with. I stayed up until they walked into the house of a night. My son gave me more problems than my girls did. Okay, I admit it I'm a snoop!

Now we did have one boy living in our home, we took in and fostered. He had got into trouble at school, because he almost beat another kid, in high school, to the point the boy was in the hopital. His aunt took him in first, and she couldn't handle him. So we took him in. I did snoop big time. I found out he was in a gang. I found all kinds of things in his room. Very scary things at that. He stayed until he come of age and then he moved out. Seems like we have always had a house full of children and teen living in our home. Some really good kids, and the one that was a problem teen. But hey we lived through it!

Richard you are so right, I wish I still had my dad around too, I would gladly tell him whatever he wanted to know. I usally did anyway, he was just that kind of dad. Never showed any anger. I miss him very much.

Willie

[binka_nugget]

My mom doesn't snoop but I wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide and I know she'd only do it out of love and just being sure that I'm not doing anything wrong or harmful.

If/when I have kids, I'd try to give them their own space but I'd snoop if I had any weird feelings about anything. If the kid was mad at me for a while, well, they'd get over it and they'd someday realize that it was only to ensure his/her well-being.

[Fox-Gal]

I'd snoop in a sec. if I though that in the long run it's was for the good of my child. Between drugs, sex, gangs and sicko on the net, I'd want to know what my child is up too and if I have to snoop to find out, so be it. I belive that when they become adults they will understand why and be gald I did it. I like to think long term, more then short term. Short term, they will be mad at me. Long term, they will be safe and thankfull I cared enough.

As much as you want to belive that you done a good job at raising your children and they know right from wrong, other factors in their lives can change that, quick. I would never want to assume that my children are above getting in trouble and then find out later the hard way I was wrong.

I would be up front with them about it though, never hidding the reasons why I snooped. Just like in your case, if I wanted a password, I'd tell them why and what I was looking for, for their safty. Hate me now, love me later.

[Kfamr]

I think the parents have every right to snoop, especially since most parents pay for the internet and such .. and there's TONS of children who don't know right from wrong. There's tons of things out there that can harm children as well. As long as the child is living under their roof.

Really, I think more parents should snoop. They should also give their child their personal space to a certain extent. There's many children in my school especially that should be searched each day... it's amazing the drugs, ciggarettes and other illegal things they bring to school. I'm sure their parents would be shocked to see what they could find in their rooms... but then again, sadly enough, some parents don't even care.


Personally, I'd hate if my parent's went through my things. I have absolutely nothing to hide, and I'm a good child. They don't really "snoop" but I don't really like them going into my room, even if they do it to pick up dirty towels (sometimes they do.) I don't really have to worry about them going through my internet things, or stuff like that because for one they hardly know how to turn on the computer. Another, they *know* basically everything I do on the internet. I often find myself sharing the things I look at on the internet.


Some children you can't trust.. I think and HOPE my parents can trust me. I try to make it so they don't feel the need to snoop, which they don't at all, really.

I'm pretty sure they trust me, because they allow me to do what I want.


When/if I have children I will snoop if I feel the need to, as long as they live in my home, I think i'd have the right to as well.
I won't however, take it to the point where i'm looking over their shoulder 24/7. I will allow them their personal space, as long as I don't think that their personal space involves something harmful.

[Fallon]

My parents were never very snoopy and I was grateful for that but if I had kids I'd snoop.. I'd teach them to deal with it though.

[CathyBogart]

I don't mind telling my parents where I am all the time, I introduce almost all of my friends to my mother at some point, and I've never gotten into any serious trouble. My mother doesn't exactly _snoop_ most of the time, but a few times she has, and she hasn't liked what she found.

It blows me away, however, that she would get so upset over something very harmless when I have always been very open with her about every aspect of my life. She knew when I started to become sexually active, and she took me to get BC when I needed it. The _two_ times I drank alcohol in a party-type setting, she knew about it. I've never kept anything important from her, and I see no reason to.

Over time, I've found that the best strategy for getting my mother not to be nosy is to tell her more than she wants to know. This has been extremely effective for the last few years. *Chuckles*

While asking for your password is more of an invasion than I would normally be comfortable with, unless you're the one paying for the internet connection I don't think you have any arguments.

[popcornbird]

My parents really don't *need* to snoop, because they always know where I am and what I'm doing, etc. They know where I am when I go out. They know who I visit. They can call me at any time when I'm not at home. I *am* home most of the time though, and when I'm home, either I'm on the internet, or doing chores/homework/whatever. They always know what I'm doing. I have nothing to hide. I don't care if they wanted to search my whole room, because I've got nothing to hide. I wouldn't mind them reading my journal. My bedroom door's always open during the day, and my family keeps coming and going. I don't mind. Though my parents have never asked me for my passwords, my internet usage was very supervised when I was younger. It isn't anymore, but I'm not that young anymore either. My brother knows my passwords btw. :p I know my parents trust me, and if they want to snoop, they're more than welcome to, because I'm not the type of daughter who would do something wrong, or something they strongly disapprove of.

I think its important for parents to keep a close watch on their kids up to a certain age. Kids are their parents' responsibility. They bring them into this world, and have every right in the world to do whatever, to ensure they're safe, cared for, and not doing anything wrong. I know I will keep a watch on my kids when I have them, especially when they are young. I will give them their space and privacy, but at the same time, I will need to know they're not putting themselves in harm's way, or doing anything wrong. Its just something parents *need* to do, and its something they only do out of love and responsibility, for their kids.

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

I hated it when my parents snooped when I was a teen, but now as a mother of teens myself, I can totally understand why they were doing it!

Also with my son (16 this December) there is a lot of peer pressure at the moment. At least he can say "No way - I'm not doing XYZ - my Mum ALWAYS finds out" (As sirrahbed says - I have an uncanny way of knowing when he is up to something he should not be doing, and he ALWAYS gets caught out!!!)

[2kitties]

Sadly, things are very different now than when I was a teen. The internet is a sneaky, nasty dangerous place that hides itself. When I was a teen, my mom could smell my breath to check for booze or smell my clothes to make sure I wasn't smoking or check with my friends parents to make sure we were safe and in good hands. You can't exactly do these things with the net. It's not so in your face.
So, yes, I'd probably set parental controls and snoop on the net to be sure my child wasn't in dangerous, predatory or pornographic places.
Unless given reason to worry or suspect, I would not, however, read my child's journal or emails.

[ziron]

I live with my grandparents and my grandmother does some so called snooping but she also gives me my freedom. Theirs a fine line to being a parent. You have to set reasonable guidlines while not being overly harsh. Face it your kids are gonna try drugs and etc. You can't stop that and if u try harder to stop them the more their gonna wanna try. Now as a teenager you need to try cigs,beer,weed ,sex etc now some teens get going crazy doing "hard" drugs like heroian or cocaine as a parent I would only snoop ever so often just to make sure nothing insane was going on. Now if I found they were smoking weed Id give em a talk and tell em my views and what not to do but I wouldn't ground them Besides giving advice and trying to control your children by the time their 14-16 theirs nothing you can do. If your teenager son/daughter wants to do something bad enough nothings gonna stop them except if their locked in a cell for 24hrs
If your a fair parent that gives reasonable guidelines like being home at 8 and don't drive past whenver then I don't think your gonna hav a problem with most kids unless they do got some problems so Id say snoop if u think somethings gonna on but don't freak out on small problems

[PJ's Mom]

I'm the mom of 4 teenagers, ages 17, 16 and 15 yr old twins. (God help me. :D ) For the most part, I trust them. However, if there seems to be a problem such as one of them becoming withdrawn, aggressive or something along those lines, I would most definitely snoop to see if I could find out the cause of the problem.

Otherwise, if everything is going well, I stay out of their stuff.

[dukedogsmom]

I would only snoop if I had a suspicion that something bad was happening. Otherwise, I would give them their space. That's something you really need as a teenager. I would request to meet the people they were spending time with, though.

[Logan]

Originally posted by dukedogsmom
I would only snoop if I had a suspicion that something bad was happening. Otherwise, I would give them their space. That's something you really need as a teenager. I would request to meet the people they were spending time with, though.

Valerie, you said exactly what I was thinking and was having trouble putting into words. I am the mother of a teenager and I don't snoop. She hasn't given me reason to, but she also is sitting right here with me when she is on the computer and so far, so good. :)

[moosmom]

I think that as long as there is trust and honesty in a parent-child relationship, I see no reason to snoop. HOWEVER, once that trust/honesty has been violated, it's every person for themself.

Example: My very best friend has a 17 year old daught she THOUGHT she could trust. Last weekend, her daughter LIED to her and said she had to be at work at noon, when in face, she was due at work at 4 p.m. She took her Mom's car (she's only had her license for 3 months and was involved in an accident 3 weeks after getting it) and was driving on the highway (my friend only allowed her to drive on the highway when she was present, till she got more driving experience under her belt) on the way to their beach house. Her daughter lost control of the car, went down an embankment, flipping the car over. Fortunately, she was wearing her seatbelt and walked away from the crash.

Since her daughter had lied to her (and, she found out HAD been lying to her for sometime), she felt she had every right to go through her daughter's purse. Well, she found not only a lighter and cigarettes (her daughter SWORE she was not smoking), she also found a bag of marijuana and drug paraphernalia! This girl is SO lucky that the investigating Trooper didn't find the drugs instead of her mother!! She has no clue as to how lucky she really is!!

My friend is SO angry right now because of all the lies. She has cancelled her daughter's car insurance and tore up her license.

There is a lesson to be learned from all this. Don't give your parents a REASON to snoop!!

[trayi52]

Oh, Donna, that poor mother. She must be heartbroken! I know how I would feel.

The thing is, we as mothers and fathers, should never assume that it "can't" happen to us that our children would never do "that", that is where we make our big mistake. When we assume this, then we are leaving ourselves wide open for a great disappointment. I was talking to my daughter here while back, and she told me about one of her freinds that stayed all night with her here at my house. She said the girl had got a hold of beer from somebody, and sneaked it into our house in her backpack, and they sneaked and drank it in her room. I never knew that! Never entered my mind that they would do such a thing. I guess I was lucky they wern't out driving when they done this. Very lucky!

[catnapper]

Tricky situation. I know that I try to give my kids as much personal privacy as possible. I never go into their rooms unless I have good reason... that is THEIR space. HOWEVER, I have snooped and will snoop again. All three of my teens are good kids, but I know they are succeptable to peer pressure.

I purposely refuse to let my kids near the washer so I can "snoop" through the laundry every day. The laundry is the best place to snoop! Pockets hold some interesting things! LOL Also, a parent doing the laundry can tell if their teen has been into cigarettes, alcohol, drugs... all reek something awful on clothes. I'm telling you, its the best way to keep on top of their activities without actually invading their space. I know what clothes I buy and when something new shows up - it better be a gift that I knew about, something obviously won a million times that a friend didn't want anymore, or show me a reciept. Anyway, I noticed a lot of new clothing popping up, and of course got, "Honest, they're so-and-so's, I borrowed them" Yeah right. She got caught shoplifting not too long afterward and her whole world came crashing down around her. She's a FABULOUS kid with a good head, but made stupid decisions with her one friend.

As for the computer thing, I totally trust all three of my kids, but I also know all of their passwords. I've never once been compelled to check their e-mail. But on the ONE time I'm concerned about something, I will use it. All three know that if they wanted to use the internet and have an e-mail address they needed to provide the password. What's to stop them from changing the password after they give it to us? Who knows, but they wouldn't because they trust that we won't abuse the open policy. Also, they know that if they hide that one thing, we'll be suspicious and go rummaging through everything. Its not worth it to them to waste their time changing a password when everything would be a mess afterwards.

We have a very open and direct relationship with the kids. We trust that they will come to us with problems and they trust that we won't push for information. We also have their brother or sisters that come to us when they are concerned about their sibling. they don't hide anything from us about each other. They truly care about what each other's into and will talk to us about the stupid stuff they might be getting into.

[Cookiebaker]

I totally believe that open communication is the way to go. It's not "snooping" -- it's being open about what is going on in your child's life.

[ScoobyDoo-Doo]

I think nowadays it is a matter of who you are corresponding on the internet. Today, the internet holds many predators. It sounds like your father is worried about this. It isn't a matter of him NOT trusting you but NOT trusting OTHER people! Many people lie about who they are on the internet. How many stories do you hear about someone meeting someone on the internet and meeting only to get killed, kidnapped, or raped??? Your father just wants to make sure this doesn't happen to you.
It is hurtful that he "snooped" but next time just say: Dad, if you want to know something just ask me. I will tell you.
Good luck and Stay safe!!!