about my daughters friend,...very sad..

[carole]

I just received awful news today, one of my daughter's school friends has a brain tumour and there is no hope for her, she is only 11 yrs old, I have never met this little girl, as she was more a school friend , and never came over, but my heart goes out to her parents and her and this terrible ordeal they are facing.

I need some advice, I am not sure what to tell my daughter, she knows she had a lump and was in hospital, should i just tell her the truth or what? I have kind of let her know she may not get well, but thats about it.

My daughter is being picked up in an hours time to attend this little girls birthday party, she is being brought out of hospital, and all her friends are invited, I just feel so sad writing this, horrible , horrible,life is so unfair!!!!

[ChiRen]

I'm afraid I don't have any advice...but that is just awful. I'm so sorry for her...:(

[carole]

It sure really makes you appreciate your own children, and not take them for granted. I know I am feeling so sad, I can only imagine the heart-ache these poor parents are going through.

[Karen]

You should tell her the truth, after the party. It was extremely frustrating to me as a child than knowing I was being "shielded" from the truth that adults thought I was "too young" to understand. It was never my parents doing this, by the way, just well-meaning patronizing strangers. Grrrrrrr.

Any way, it'll be hard, but you should tell her the truth. Then stress that she should treat her ffriend as normally as possible, that her friend is probably sad at being sick and just wants to be a normal kid. Her friend will treasure a friend who sticks by her, as children who are ill are often shunned, sadly.

[carole]

THANK YOU Karen, my basic instincts told me this is what I should do, but one of the other mother's is not telling her child, and it confused me, I mean its not fair, when the little girl is gone, my daughter will then get an awful shock, and wonder why i did not let her know, but its very difficult, finding the right words, I am worried she will get a shock when she sees her tonight, as she is very ill, it may frighten her.

[DogLover9501]

Thats awful:(

I have a simular experience, although it may not help :(, my best friends little sister got a brain tumor when she was 9 years old, and it was cancerous and she went through so much, she had tubes and was on steroids..etc..etc..etc and she went through all of this for 3 entire years and it was so sad, all that she went through, she is finally in peace.

And right now my little cousin who is only 14 months old is also battling cancer :( Children should never have to go through these things.

Im so sorry to hear about your daughters friend, I would tell her the truth, or atleast what she can understand.

My heart goes out to them also :(

[carole]

I am not sure how long this little girl has got, I know she was in hospital last year, but no-one really knew what was wrong with her, so she has been ill a while now, I had heard she was in awful pain, and that is very hard to hear, I pray and hope she does not suffer too much, this is so tragic.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Carole, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's school friend.:( I also think that you should tell your daughter the truth because she'll find out later any way. After my recent health scare, I've also learned to never take your health for granted. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family, and the little girl and her family. Please take care.

[Kfamr]

Sorry to hear. :(


I agree with Karen -- you should tell her the truth.

I hate when my parents/family keep things from me. they don't much anymore, but they used to alot, because they thought it would upset me.

I'm sure it would have, but it was much more upsetting knowing they kept it from me, and hearing it some other way. Or sometimes i'd overhear them talking aobut something that they never told me. Us kids like to know what's going on, even if it is bad. :)

[leslie flenner]

Absolutely tell her what is happening in words she can understand. At age 11, they are just getting to understand the meaning of "death". Your daughter should be spoken to in a respectful manner and given fair warning of the symptoms she will see in her friend so she won't be afraid and understand the symptoms are not bizarre things from outer space (if you know what I mean). The better prepared she is now, the better prepared she will be handle her school friend's death/sudden disappearance.
I'm only speaking in how I would feel. My dad died when I was only 6 years old. At that point, I did not get the idea of death. But, I do remember favoring one grandmother's soothing me over another's. I felt comforted by my maternal grandmother who allowed me to cry and stayed near me. And was disappointed when my paternal grandmother took a turn to console me because she would tell me to stop crying and tried to rush me to dry up. I was only 6 but i disctintly remember the difference and it has effected me ever since in terms of which grandmother I feel more close to.

[popcornbird]

This is so incredibly sad to hear. :( Makes my heart ache. Poor little girl, and her poor poor parents to have to go through this sadness and hardship. :(

As to telling your daughter, I do believe you should tell her the truth. I think its better telling her than not telling. It would be very shocking and harder for her to deal with if she isn't told, when she finds out eventually. As hard as it is for kids to deal with these things, they are a part of this world and should know that death is a part of life, that one cannot deny. As sad as it is, illness/death is a part of life, and we all have to learn to deal with it. It will be hard on her, but telling her is the right thing to do, in my opinion.

[carole]

Thank you all, yes I agree it is best to tell her the truth, my main concern was I donot know what the little girl herself knows about her illness, has she been told the truth, and also as the other mother was not telling her child everything, that melissa would tell her.

Any way she returned from the party, which turned out not to be a party really, just lots of relatives and melissa and this other girl, Daphne is the little girl with the cancer, she told them she had a brain tumour and was on medicene now and might be returning to school, and that she had been to Disneyland and on our NZ IDOL show.

I discussed it with Melissa, she seemed to think that because they had caught it early Daphne would be ok, so I told her that with cancer there are no guarantees, and that it could come back, or that she might not have a long life, I think that was the best way I could put it, Melissa has experienced her grandmothers death of cancer, so has a some understanding.

The thing my daugher was really bothered about, was the other girl with her, kept saying on the way home how lucky Daphne was to go to Disneyland etc etc, and moaned how lucky she was, my daughter was upset with her for being like that, and said she was not being very nice, silly thing is the other girl has wealthy parents and goes to Fiji every year, her mother's home country, and has all the latest toys and is really quite spoilt, but I guess thats kids for ya.

I really appreciate all your inputs, especially from the young ones, as you know how it feels to be left out of things,parents sometimes do the wrong thing, thinking they are protecting you, but in the end it hurts more that way, that was exactly how I felt, if I did not prepare her and she passed away, then she would be angry with me.

[moosmom]

I would tell your daughter the truth. Speaking from VERY personal experience, her friend needs all her friends around her.

When my daughter was 16 years old, they found a malignant brain tumor on her brain stem. She underwent surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. She was one of the lucky ones. She has been in remission for 11 years now.

Amy was very popular in school. She was on the cheerleading squad, the Ambulance Association and was very active. During her recovery, when she was at home being tutored (she missed a year of school yet managed to graduate with her class), her so-called "friends" seem to all disappear. We couldn't quite understand why. Amy was very lonely and depressed.

Kids who experience stuff like this, see themselves and worry. They worry about what to say, how to act, around someone who has cancer. They also worry about whether they can "catch" it. Rather than deal with it, my daughter's friend chose to stay away. Amy's strong will and determination to beat the cancer helped her overcome the loss of her friends.

Tell your daughter honestly what is going on. Encourage her to stand by her friend, keeping her company, helping in any way she can. It is important to that little girl to have as many friends around her as she can.

I am so sorry to hear about this and I will pray for her. Reading this thread really was de ja vue for me.

[carole]

Donna I really appreciate your words of advice, you speak from experience, so you really know the best thing to do. I was very sorry to hear that you went through this ordeal yourself with your daughter, but so thrilled to hear she recovered, I am sorry if this thread brought it all back to you, but thankful for your words of wisdom.

I never realised myself how islolated a really sick child can become, and I will do my best to keep Melissa in contact with Daphne, I donot think her prognosis is good, but miracles do happen, so please all PT people pray for one for this little child.

She is not a close friend of Melissa's in the way that I never have met her or her parents, in other words she has not come to our home, but Melissa likes her and cares for her obviously.

Melissa said something today, we were shopping and she asked her Dad if she could please have these miniature playing cards, They were only a dollar , but Dad hesitated, she told him she had spent her last money on her dying friends birthday, this made me realise that she does indeed know what is really happening here.

Once again many thanks to all for your kind words and advice, this is what i love about PT, there are people here with wealth of experience in everything life has to offer, good and bad, and one is never too old to learn or listen.

:)

[moosmom]

Carole,

Believe it or not, Amy's prognosis was pretty poor as well. It took them 2 weeks to biopsy it and determine what kind of cancer it was. The type of cancer she had (Pineal Blastoma) and where it was (on her brainstem which controls memory, sense of smell, motor skills, etc) were not good. The doctor's told us that PB metastisizes (attaches itself to other organs). They had put a shunt in her to allow excess fluid to drain from her skull into her abdominal cavity. Our concern was one teeny cancerous cell that traveled from her skull to her abdomen COULD attach itself to any of her major organs and spread. The doctor's said "Oh well" that's the chance they have to take. Fortunately, it didn't. Amy was VERY lucky.

My best friend's church set up a prayer group for Amy. It truly believe that the power of prayer works miracles. I was also very fortunate to have a cancer support group to attend. I had to be very strong for Amy, while crying and crumbling inside. The support group did wonders.

I will pray for Daphne and her family. Tell your daughter I'm very proud of her.

[carole]

Thanks Donna, your story has given me hope for little Daphne, i strongly believe in miracles, lets hope she is one of them, your story really brought tears to my eyes, and what a brave mother you have been,I am sure your strength and support is what helped her recover.

yes I am proud of Melissa too, she has shown compassion and strength, I am sure she will help Daphne as much as she is able.

PLEASE everyone PRAY for Daphne, I have seen the power of PT Work before.

[Corinna]

You are the only one who knows what you child can process some kids are ready some are not . Sounds as if she is a very ready girl, I think the truth about the girls desease and the loss of socal freinds should also be explained so she can be ready, to so to speak, defend her freind. In a way you have time to prepare her for it all. My daughters freind (one of my best freinds son) died of an pool accident . It was only a couple hours from playing with him to a call that he was gone . He was 6 and my daughter was 5 . That was hard to explain but I must have done it right cus after seeing this thread she told me how she apprechated how I handled it. (who would think at 22 she would still remeber it) . Just keep the talk going between your selves let her know if she has questions you and she can try to find the answers together. It could be a way to strenghten your bond as well.
Kids can get asome really weird messages as information ,it can really upset them so keeping communacation open you can make sure she has the right info.
Prayers from Montana are going out to your family and the little girl.

[carole]

Thank you Corinna you advice is most welcome, I agree with everything you have written , and indeed I will do my best here to advice Melissa, and encourage her to keep the contact with her sick friend.:)

[carole]

We saw Daphne on the TV last night, she was at Ronald Mcdonald House , where sick children and their parents stay, during their illness, our NZ IDOL show was there and she got a hug from one of the contestants.:)

[anna_66]

How sad to hear about Daphne. I too would tell your daughter the truth about what's happening with her friend.

I'll keep her in my prayers.

[ramanth]

My thoughts go out to Daphne, her family, you and your daughter.

How very sad. :( Though it looks like you got some wonderful advice.

[carole]

Yes I have indeed received some helpful advice Ramanth, that is why I Love PT so much, there is always someone who has experienced something you have not, and can help you through almost any situation.