Advice Re: family and my wedding.

[CathyBogart]

I'm engaged, as a lot of you know. :) We're not planning to get married for a few years yet, but we're trying to get most of the planning out of the way now, and even purchase some of the things we need WAY in advance. Here's the only hitch I've run into so far:

My mom's twin brother is EXTREMELY religious. He constantly tries to evangelize myself, and any of my friends unfortunate enough to meet him. I will not go visit him in Oregon anymore becuase he tries to make me feel horrible when I will not participate in the family's prayer time or attend church with them.

As you know, I am pagan. My fiancee isn't exactly pagan, but he is polytheistic and he agreed to a pagan ceremony as long as it wasn't deity-oriented, so as not to make any relatives uncomfortable. I found a BEAUTIFUL handfasting ceremony here:

http://www.nonreligiousweddings.com/hands.html

Still, I'm very worried that my uncle is going to be offended that I'm not having a "Traditional" wedding, or a "Christian" wedding. I'm worried that he may say something inappropriate, or try to inject Christianity into the ceremony, because that's just what he does.

If I had my way he wouldn't be invited, but I have a pretty small family and leaving someone out could cause a big rift. Plus, I love and adore my aunt, and I would love for her to be there . She is very religious too, but I have more faith in her ability to restrain herself. I wish I felt that I could talk to her about my concerns, but I think she would laugh them off. She's wonderful, but she does tend to be rather self-centered and not the greatest at helping out people in distress.

What should I do? Should I include an extra note in the invitation... "This is a pagan wedding and is to be respected as such, so please keep your nose out of my religion"?! I dunno. I'm glad I have a long time to figure this out.

Oh and BTW: this (http://www.greycatdesigns.bigstep.com/item.jhtml?UCIDs=657567%7C891981&PRID=1298200) is the dress I'm going to wear, in either burgundy or forest green. ^_^

[Karen]

Originally posted by WolfChan

What should I do? Should I include an extra note in the invitation... "This is a pagan wedding and is to be respected as such, so please keep your nose out of my religion"?! I dunno. I'm glad I have a long time to figure this out.


I would NOT include that note in the invitation. I would make no mention of it being a pagan ceremony, as that WILL upset some people. An invitation to your wedding can be lovely, heartfelt and sincere without mentioning any denomination or lack thereof.

I would write your uncle a special letter to go in with his invitation, stating how you feel. Explain that you respect his right to practice his religion, and that you hope he will respect your wishes to have the wedding of your own dreams - which includes him not injecting his beliefs into your ceremony or day.

You can even go so far as to tell him that your day would be incomplete without him and his wife (no need to emphasize which of the two you'd miss), and that you would understand if they elected to skip the ceremony itself and just come to the celebration afterwards.

Be gracious and upfront, and early, and I wish you the best.

Neat dress - but it looks warm - are you getting married in cooler weather I hope? ;)

[CathyBogart]

Outdoors, in the spring...Brian's idea was to have it in his brother-in-law's vineyard, when everything is blooming....We'll see though, with his allergies!! :)

Good idea....I have a hard time sometimes being gracious about something I feel strongly about, so I might have my mom write it instead.

[Twisterdog]

Originally posted by Karen
I would NOT include that note in the invitation. I would make no mention of it being a pagan ceremony, as that WILL upset some people. An invitation to your wedding can be lovely, heartfelt and sincere without mentioning any denomination or lack thereof.

I would write your uncle a special letter to go in with his invitation, stating how you feel. Explain that you respect his right to practice his religion, and that you hope he will respect your wishes to have the wedding of your own dreams - which includes him not injecting his beliefs into your ceremony or day.

You can even go so far as to tell him that your day would be incomplete without him and his wife (no need to emphasize which of the two you'd miss), and that you would understand if they elected to skip the ceremony itself and just come to the celebration afterwards.

Be gracious and upfront, and early, and I wish you the best.

Neat dress - but it looks warm - are you getting married in cooler weather I hope? ;)

Well said! I agree.

[catnapper]

First off, the dress is GORGEOUS!!

As for the religion thing, I had a similar problem. I wanted to get married by someone I knew and loved. My neighbor was a minister. I lived next to him for ten years and thought of him as an extention of my family. He had moved two states over but made the trip just to perform the ceremony! :D

Karen made some excellent points, I agree that I wouldn't put a note in the invitation telling them to keep their noses out of your religion. That might come across in the wrong way. I would call them & respectfully tell them that you honestly would like them to attend your wedding, but would appreciate their religious beliefs be kept to themselves.

[CathyBogart]

I didn't mean that I was going to word the note that way, just that that's what I want to convey. :-/

I really hope he understands when I tell him, however I decide to do it.

Tee hee, and thanks about the dress, I LOVE IT! :) :)

[Corinna]

I agree with Karen. I started laughing when I saw your dress, that is the dress my daughter was going to order when she was going to marry the former boyfriend in a gothic wedding. only hers was going to be black and white. We are going to sew acouple up for her and I to wear to renassonce fairs.
I wish you lots of good things.
I wish we had that as the only problem we have 2 devorced relitives and we would prefer the ex's bethere rather than the blood relitives , and all want to be there , we are having my son and a freind make sure every one checks their firearms at the gate. (yes it is Montana an family has ex law enforcement)

[catnapper]

Oh, I forot to say this about the dress... there's a small shop in town that sells these. I was talking to the owner one day and she said that the sizing runs VERY small... she said that the extra large was what a person who normally wears a size 6-8 would wear. So, if you are ordering it, please make sure that you check the waist/bust/hip measuremnts. I'd hate to see you get the dress and not fit.

I'm sure you wouldn't have been rude when talking to your uncle (though he probably deserves it ;) )

[Tonya]

Karen's advice is good. Be upfront.

My stepmom attended my wedding. I had some major drama at my wedding because I didn't discuss that with my mom ahead of time. We still fight about my wedding to this day. I think she wouldn't have been so shocked and would have felt more comfortable if I'd given her a heads up. If I'd warned her to be on her best behavior, perhaps she wouldn't have flipped out. :rolleyes:

I love your dress!

[G.P.girl]

i'm not sure what to tellyou about the whole religion thing, but i LOVE your dress! my sister says she wants a dress like that when she gets married. i really like the colors on it too

[robinh]

I agree with Karen's suggestions. One suggestion, I'd have your Mom help you with the wording but I think you should write the note and send it to them. It makes it more personal when you state "your day would be incomplete without him and his wife" in your own handwriting.

The only other thing I'll say is - this is your and Brian's day. What you want should be most important. Family should be involved but if you prefer this ceremony, they should understand and be respectful of your choices.

The dress is gorgeous!! What will Brian wear?

[Barbara]

I liked the text of your ceremony. And I love the dress.

What Karen said is a diplomatic masterpiece - it will work so much better than a notice on the invitation.

I wish you good luck and fun: your marriage is your day:)

[Nomilynn]

First, I want to say that I LOVE that dress and the ceremony you've chosen is BEAUTIFUL!! I love some of the vows you take in there.. very very nice!

I can kind of understand your pain. Nathan and I want a fairly "unique" wedding.. it's going to be a great HUGE party and lots of fun. I've discussed some of it with my family, and they have all said "if that's what you want, go for it! It sounds fun!" But every detail we have shared with Nathan's mother, she has said "well that's stupid" :rolleyes: We've basically said well if she doesn't like it, tough. It's our day and it will be exactly what we want, and we will NOT feel bad or guilty about it! I think it's partly mind over matter here.. we have just decided not to let her bug us.. I hope everything works out for you :)

[G.P.girl]

are you going to have that light blue color on the dress? (i saw there were other colors too) that's my favorite color of blue. i love that dress!

[CathyBogart]

Not the light blue, I'm going with Burgundy of Forest Green. I think Brian likes Burgundy better.

I'm not sure what Brian is going to do for his top...for the pants he's going to wear dark, pleated pants...I don;t really know how to explain it, they're japanese, almost samurai-like. Hmm, I'll ask him to find a picture.

Thanks for everyone's kind words, I know it's awhile off but I'm VERY excited!

Catnapper: I'll make sure they get my measurements!! I think that's what the website asks for since this dress is entirely custom, but I'll make sure just in case. Thanks!

[Barbara]

What colour is your hair? Just thinking about the forest green and burgundy:)

[CathyBogart]

This is an OLD picture, and my hair is much longer now, but it's a good picture to show the color.

http://nasicus.ophiophobia.net/images/cathy/cathy01.jpg

[Barbara]

Oh great - I thought it would best be reddish with these colours. Maybe the forest green is even better?

I wish there had been dresses like that when I married first time in 1975 ;) Anyway I had a flowerpower hippie dress:rolleyes:

[ramanth]

That dress is GORGEOUS!!! :D

My first thought was, it is YOUR wedding, not his. He had his and he should butt out.

I mean, would he really speak out or be obnoxious during the ceremony? I can't imagine any family or friends letting that happen before either telling him to shut up or leave.

I mean, if he's just going to be grumbling and 'bible' thumping his religion at the reception.... that much I could sort of handle. You could avoid him and I'm sure others would too as religion is a touchy subject.

Or does he have blinders on to how rude that can be in public?


Andy hasn't proposed, though I'm sure one day he will and our religious beliefs are different. I'm pagan, he's Lutheran.

I'd like to have a spiritual wedding, without mention of any specific deity.

Kind of a ... Let the Powers that Be bless this union type of thing. :)

Haven't mentioned it to Andy, but I hope he'd be for it.

[My Peanuts]

This is YOUR wedding. You don't need to explain anything to anyone, but your future husband or make any apologies! That is ridiculous. Your uncle should be mature enough to understand that everyone isn't going to do things his way, especially something like this.

BTW, that is an awesome dress. Good for you that you are truly making this your day and for thinking outside the box.

[Cincy'sMom]

I love the dress and think it would be beautiful in either color. Burgandy and forest green are two of my favorites :)

[lizbud]

No advice about any wedding guests, but just wanted to say
I thought the dress gorgeous.:) I also think either of the darker
colors would look good with your complexion & hair color. :)

Good luck to you in this.

[2kitties]

Beautiful dress, Wolfchan.
If it were me, I'd have my mother handle her brother. She can speak more frankly with him than you. No need for letters or formal stuff- just have your mom make sure he keeps his Bible thumpin' on his own dime.

[IttyBittyKitty]

Scott's best friend's wife wore a similar dress to that, only it was in that fabric which is shimmery and appears to be a dfifferent colour from different angles. She also had an exsquisite blue veil. Interestingly enough, their's was a Catholic ceremony so the dress was an unusual choice as it was not white :)

Meanwhile, Karen was totally right. Whatever way you do it, you MUST stand up to this individual and be firm when you say that, for one day, his religous overtures will not be welcome. This day will belong to you and Brian, and the two of you have been gracious enough to let him and his wife share your special day.

[ramanth]

How are things going WolfChan?

[NoahsMommy]

If I learned anything from my wedding it was to make it the day I wanted...that's all who matters on your wedding day.

Family and friends will ALWAYS have an opinion and if they can't be graceful that's their problem. Don't let them get you down...

I had the oposite problem...my parents aren't religious and anytime I'd talk about the ceremony, communion, the unity candle, whatever, I felt my mom's attention fading. :( It hurts when people don't respect your beliefs, especially on a day that supposed to be about you and your love.

I'd write that letter if you feel your uncle will be unable to be an adult. If he gets offended....too bad, his prior behavior paved the way for your letter.

Good luck with your planning. Your dress is breathtaking...I stared at it for minutes....its so pretty!! :)

[CathyBogart]

My mom said that she'll talk to him, but I think I'm going to write him a separate letter as well. If he doesn't like it, he will be un-invited.

I'm glad everyone likes that dress...I came across it quite by accident and nearly fell off of my chair (Well, that's because the chair's broken, but still...:D) when I saw it! Brian's leaning towards Burgundy for the dress, and since I couldn't decide between the two that's probably what I'll go for. I'll probably get the dress as soon as I can afford it, and just keep it in storage until we get married. Less to spend at the last minute. :)

[Barbara]

Oh I don't think I could buy a dress like that and just save it! Why not just marry?:D

[CathyBogart]

Not while we're both still living with parents. :) I'd love to though, even if it was just to get on his medical insurance!!