I really need some help/advice

[Samantha Puppy]

So I am currently not on speaking terms with my best friend, Christine (who is also my Maid of Honor) and I am completely miserable. I haven't been able to stop crying all morning so now my eyes are all puffy and red. Sad thing is, I think that this may take the award for being the stupidest thing we've ever fought over. Want to know why she's called me a "G**da*n b!tch" and I called her a golddigger?

She is offended by the gift I had selected for the bridesmaids. Though I've been searching for unique ideas for the best part of a year, even before Josh and I were officially engaged, what I selected was a "no brainer" gift that one only selects when they can't think of anything else. And THEN she told me that I should be spending much much more on them. Do you want to see what I had selected? Have a look:

http://a248.e.akamai.net/f/248/6640/7d/www.thingsremembered.com/images/large/000544634L.jpg

I had been planning on getting each girl one monogrammed with their initials. I'm sure it wasn't destined to go down in history as the greatest bridesmaids' gift of all time, but I thought it was different and personal. It could even be used after the candle burnt down as a trinket holder or something to put potpourri in, etc. So like I said, maybe not the gift that would make bridesmaids swoon but I thought it was nice.

Her first beef was that it was a "no brainer" gift. "Candles are what you give people when you can't think of anything unique." Sure, if I went to Wal-Mart and picked up 3 candles for each girl - that's lame. But being as I - hand on a bible - have been looking for ideas for the best part of a year - this definitely wouldn't classify as a "no brainer" to me.

Then she lit into me about the price, which absolutely floored me. She's never been that materialistic before! She stated that with everything that my girls will be doing for me between now and June, I should be spending much more on their gifts to REALLY show how much I appreciate them. Call me old-fashioned, but I thought I showed them how much I appreciate their friendship by asking them to share the most important day of my life with me. To me, that's the big honor here. Now by that, I don't mean that they shouldn't get something nice in return, but I also shouldn't feel like I should have to "pay" them for being in the wedding, which is what she's implying.

If I could spend tons of money on my girls, I would in a heartbeat and I think they all know that. As a matter of fact, I found a gorgeous floating pearl necklace I would have LOVED to have gotten them but it was $80 and $80x5 = $400 and I simply don't have that kind of money when I'm only making $29,000/year AND I've got over $3,000 going to the reception, $1000 going to my dress (my mom is picking up the rest), $1000 for flowers, $700 for the brass quintet, $550 for the DJ, $500 for the limo, $600 for the photographer (Josh and I are splitting), AND we'll be purchasing a house in the next few months AND trying to furnish it so we aren't sleeping on sleeping bags instead of bed or sitting on futons instead of sofas.

When I was in my friend, Erika's wedding in July her gift to us was a cheap little silver necklace with a cross on it. Do you think she put months of thought or gobs of money into it? No. Was I offended or disappointed? No. I was just happy and honored that she wanted me to be a part of the most important day of her life.

So with all that said, I'm looking for some feedback. Please don't feel that you are my "yes people" - please tell me - honestly - your thoughts on the situation. Do you think that I should tone down some of the things (flowers, centerpieces, etc.) that I wanted for my wedding day in order to be able to afford more expensive gifts for my girls? Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned in my thinking and more expensive gifts are the norm and expected these days. I don't know, I've never done this before.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[micki76]

Originally posted by Samantha Puppy
Do you think that I should tone down some of the things (flowers, centerpieces, etc.) that I wanted for my wedding day in order to be able to afford more expensive gifts for my girls?

Absolutely not!! This is a day for you and your fiancé and should be just as YOU want it to be.

Your friend sounds as if she’s having some issues. Is she married? Alone? Doesn’t like your fiancé? There’s more to this than the monetary value of the gifts.

I think this is a lovely gift and a lot nicer than the gifts that I gave my bridesmaids.

[2kitties]

Is there something else on her mind bothering her right now? Possibly she's very preoccupied and upset about something in her own life that is causing her to be completely irrational? That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Looks like a sweet gift to me, I'll be your bridesmaid! I don't have anything monogrammed.:)

[Samantha Puppy]

She's unmarried and in graduate school, so she's too busy with that to deal with being in any sort of a romantic relationship at the moment. She may be lonely, but she isn't preoccupied with it...

As for my fiance - she's known him longer than I have. We're all good friends. Whenever she's home from Florida, we're like the 3 musketeers.

We're usually right on par with everything - our morals, our thoughts and beliefs, our tastes... but I have absolutely NO idea where she's coming from in this case. It's so unlike her. It got to the point where Josh wrote us both an e-mail trying to persuade us to calm down. None of our other fights/arguments have ever been so bad that Josh (or anyone else, for that matter) felt that an intervention was needed.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm anxious to see what everyone has to say.

2kitties: Thanks, I may take you up on that. ;) We tell each other everything and she hasn't told me that anything in her personal life is horrible, so I have no idea why she's acting like that. One of my other girls said that since she is putting money in to this (for her dress and shoes, a plane ticket home, shower stuff, etc.) that she feels she should be paid back. The thing is, I *am* planning on getting HER an additional gift since she's been like my sister for the last 15 years. She knows this, and says that it's not about her, that no one would like that present after spending so much time and money on me over the next six months. :( My feelings on THAT is that everyone had the opportunity to say "no thank you" when I asked them to be in it. I understand that being in weddings can add up, but I never thought that in addition to everything else I'm paying for, I had to spend hundreds on my bridesmaids to thank them for being my friend. I thought asking them to stand up for me was special enough.

[2kitties]

Okay, she is completely out of line in thinking she should be "paid back" for standing up for you. When you accept the invitation to be an attendant, you accept that it will be a financial investment and gift to your friend. But you are certainly not taking it on as employment!

The last wedding I was in cost me over $2500. The dresses were $350, the shoes were $275, I had to fly to AZ for a super swank bachellorette party at an expensive spa resort, to NC for the wedding and our accommodations were $350 per night. But this woman was my dearest friend. I'd have paid anything to be there. And our gift was a pair of simple earrings. I was so happy to be there for her.

Your friend is being selfish and should pickup a book on wedding ettiquette. Guess you won't have to worry about her giving you a nice gift;)

[micki76]

I still think there's more to this than the gift. There almost always is in arguments like this. Especially since you say this is so out of character for her.

I would ask her what this is really about and see if you can get to the true root of the problem.

Friends don’t get “reimbursed” to be in your wedding. It’s an honor, not an obligation. :rolleyes:

[CamCamPup33]

I think the gift that you have now is a great idea! I would love to have it or like you said even love to be honored being a bridesmaid'! Like everyone else said, i think shes just being selfish! Its your day! Be happy! :D

[robinh]

I think what you've selected is beautiful and elegant. Maybe your friend has other things on her mind right now. She may be feeling like her relationship with you will change when you get married. And it will, you'll still be friends but it will change somewhat.

My son just got married this year. He and Lynnette spent forever looking for the right gifts.

Kevin bought engraved flasks for everyone (really practical - right?). Dick (my SO) and Steve (her dad) even got one with "Dad" on it.

Lynnette paid to have the girls hair done, gave them a small figurine and gave them each matching necklaces. I though she did a lot more than anyone else I ever knew. She said the other girls she knows either pay for all/part of the dress or give necklaces. She said she could afford more and wanted to do more, so she did.

The day is about you and your fiance and sharing your joy with loved ones. Try to remember that you and Christine have been friends forever and this is a bump in the road of that friendship.

[Logan]

Your friend sounds as if she’s having some issues. Is she married? Alone? Doesn’t like your fiancé? There’s more to this than the monetary value of the gifts.

I agree. I can't imagine anyone, especially the Maid of Honor and your best friend, saying anything like this! I love your gift idea.

When Scott and I got married last year, our "bridesmaids" were our daughters. We bought each of them a nice silver necklace with a cross on it, to wear, but they truly weren't that expensive. It's not the cost, it's the thought, and obviously something else is bothering your friend. I'm sorry she has upset you at such a busy and important time in your life. :(

[Cataholic]

WOW!!! SP- I am sorry to hear of such a disappointing situation at this time of your life. I can't remember how old you are, if I ever knew??? But, your friend sounds VERY young. I have been in two weddings, and declined 2 b/c of financial constraints. The two that I was in were an honor, in my opinion. Paid back? Good lord. Now that you two are to be married (your SO, not the girl), are you expected to give 2 times as nice of a Christmas/Birthday gift, too?


If I had to imagine, I 'bet' this isn't the first time you have experienced this type of conduct with her...but, that before it wasn't on such a significant matter that you were upset by it. I truly don't believe people all of a sudden become something they aren't. (I had this similar discussion with an office mate that is getting married, and her best friend is carrying on, too.)

I don't know that I could see 'past' such conduct, from someone that is supposedly your closest friend. If an honest email from you, asking that this be addressed, put aside, etc., isn't responded to appropriately, I would re-think my plans. Why should your world be turned upside down by someone that isn't willing to go the extra mile for you?

P.S. In case you can't tell, I subscribe to the Dr. Phil line of thinking in relationships...lose the baloney, get right to it, and if it isn't working, after you have checked yourself, get rid of it.

[DoggiesAreTheBest]

I agree with everyone. Being asked to be in someone is an honor. It truley shows how you appreciate and cherish the people you ask to be your bridesmaids. They take on the task willing and for no monetary gain. I think the gift you selected is very elegant and sweet. If your best friend doesn't like it, tough!! I don't think bridesmade or groomsmen are counting on an expensive gift in return for their friendship! The gift serves as a memoir from the wedding.

If she is truly your best friend, she should know what you are and aren't capable of affording. And it is none of her business what you get for the bridesmaids. It's your gift to them and hot her gift to give or make a decision on! Her behavior is very tacky!

[Samantha Puppy]

Thanks for your thoughts/advice everyone. My fiancee intervened and suggested that she and I take a good bit of time apart to cool down and maybe we can discuss this better when we're not angry and emotional.

I don't know what her deal is/was and since I have less than zero desire to talk to her at the moment, it'll be awhile longer before I find out why she went off the deep end, but when I do I'll update you all.

Thanks for bearing with my stupid, emotional ramblings.

BTW, Cataholic, both my fiancee and I are 25 (we'll be 26 in May, him three weeks before the wedding and me, two weeks before). She's also 25 and will be 26 in April.

[wolf_Q]

Wow...I've been a bridesmaid at 2 weddings and I never even received a gift!

I think the gift you selected is very lovely and personal! I can't believe she is acting with you!

[RobiLee]

I have to agree with Micki and Cataholic on this one. There has to be something that is bothering her deep down. Maybe she is even jealous and is not even aware of it herself. Give yourself some time to cool down and then try to talk to her to find out if there is something more bothering her. I'm sorry to say this, but if the gift is the true reason your friend is upset, then she seems to be a very petty and immature person. I'm sorry this is happening to you at such an important time of your life and at what is supposed to be a happy time.

Also, there is nothing STUPID about your emotions. Any time you need to talk you know we are here!

Personally, I LOVE the gift that you chose! My first thought when I saw it was "Ohhh, I want this!". Can I ask where you found it at?

I'm wishing you all the best.....Robin :)

[Samantha Puppy]

Robin,

It was off of Things Remembered. If you get it now, it's on sale for $5 cheaper. It's $14.95 now and regularly $19.95 (not including the engraving).

I may get one for myself too. :) I happen to think it's very pretty.

Jaime

[neko1]

I think the gift is beautiful. We also got everyone's gifts at things remembered. My best friend loved her gift and more importantly, she was just honored to be a part of our special day. That is the most important thing.



(OMG I can't believe I've been married for almost 6 months now!!!:eek: )

[PayItForward]

Originally posted by Samantha Puppy
Thanks for your thoughts/advice everyone. My fiancee intervened and suggested that she and I take a good bit of time apart to cool down and maybe we can discuss this better when we're not angry and emotional.

I don't know what her deal is/was and since I have less than zero desire to talk to her at the moment, it'll be awhile longer before I find out why she went off the deep end, but when I do I'll update you all.
I would wonder at the value of a friendship, when she managed to move the spotlight from you (i.e. bride to be) to herself.

This shows how selfish she is being, she is not thinking about you !

I broke friends with a girl I had known for 24 years since I was 5 years old. Had we met in adulthood, we would never have been friends, as we were very different people. I thought we respected each others life choices, how wrong was I. :(

One day she decided to educate me on how horrible SHE thinks my life partner is and how SHE thinks I should spilt up with him etc etc.

Given the choice I choose him and to this day I regret nothing.

You will always find people who think they know how to run YOUR life better than YOU can ?!?

But it is YOUR life and it is up to you how you get married and what gifts are chosen, it is nothing to do with her.

You may never find out why she went of the deep end and does it matter anyway. Sometimes people just grow apart and it takes an argument to show you how different people can be.

Don't forget, if she doesn't want your gifts etc, I am sure you can announced a different Maid of Honor and uninvite Christine from your wedding.

Have a great day on your wedding

PS. I think that is a lovely gift and it looks more expensive than you stated, I had guessed it was priced around £20 minimum ($35) not that the price matters but I think they look very stylish.

[lynnestankard]

I wonder why she's so upset about the cost of the gift?
As almost everyone else has said I assumed that being asked to be a bridesmaid was a great honour - I can remember the days (over here in the UK) when bridesmaids would buy their own dresses or pay to have them made and not receive any gift at all, or even expect a gift! It was just the taking part with a very good friend on a very special day that meant everything.

I think the gifts you've chosen are beautiful and why she would get so upset I found quite peculiar.

Perhaps after some time apart the dust may settle a little and enable you to find out what she actually expected as a present. Maybe she had her heart set on something. Clutching at staws here! I just feel the thing is so sad - you must feel so let down.
{{{Hugs}}}

Lynne

[Samantha Puppy]

Originally posted by lynnestankard
I just feel the thing is so sad - you must feel so let down.
{{{Hugs}}} Thanks Lynne... I think that's probably the point that I'm at right now. I was confused. Then [really, really, really, really] mad. Now I really do feel let down.

Every other one of my bridesmaids said that they never would expect a gift and if I did give them one, that they would never be disappointed in anything I'd chosen because they were just happy and honored to take part in my wedding day. So they're all really helping at the moment, which is nice.

I think lots of time apart (well, she's already in Florida and I'm in Maryland, but we corresponded a lot) is in order. A lot. Which sucks because she'll be up here for Christmas and being as she's 1,000 miles away during the rest of the year, I really look forward to seeing her around the holidays. I don't want to see her right now, but I also don't want to miss the opportunity of having her around. :(

[Kfamr]

She sounds very snobby and selfish. I agree with others, why would the price matter, when she gets the honor to be a part of a special moment in your life. Does money really mean that much? IMO, no, it doesn't.

P.S. .... If she doesn't want it, my initials are K.K. :p

[popcornbird]

I cannot believe your friend would do something like that! Complaining about a gift?!?! MY GOODNESS! That is ruder than anything I can imagine! Its your wedding, a happy time in YOUR life, and as a *friend*, SHE should be happy for you, and helpful, and considerate, and touched that you loved her enough to choose her as your bridesmaid. Does money really mean more to her than your friendship? This is just so sad and disturbing. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a person. I know that if any one of my friends ever did something like that, it would probably lead to a broken friendship. :(

BTW, I love the gift you chose and find it very odd that someone wouldn't like something like that!

[RICHARD]

at the risk of being talked about and called stupid.......


Why is there such a priority on things like brides maids gifts?

A true friend would overlook the the 'gift' and be happy for
the other person.

Friendship and sharing each other's special milestones is the
true measure of a friend.

A friend doesn't care, an aquaintance bitches about the stupidest things.

In the end you can count your friends on one hand-the rest you can count on one finger.



the middle one.

[Kfamr]

LMAO, Richard...... You're too much. :D :D :D :D :D

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Originally posted by RICHARD


In the end you can count your friends on one hand-the rest you can count on one finger.



the middle one.

Richard, You make me laugh (even when I am having an awful day).

I agree with the others. It is such an honour to be asked to share in a special occasion such as a wedding. Your friend needs to "get over herself" and ask why she accepted the invitation in the first place - was it to enjoy the day with you, or in anticipation of a gift?

My husbands brother got married last year. He accepted the request to be best man even although it meant:
- PAYING for his own ticket to fly from Middle East to South Africa to be there (over $1000)
- MISSING my birthday (there was no way we could ALL fly back)
- paying for the Tux hire for everyone
- paying for his Mum's "Mother of the Groom" outfit
- buying them a washing machine

He NEVER mentioned any of the costs to his brother, as he didn't want to upset him, and he never received a gift in return. Is he upset??? NO!! Because HE made the decision to participate, so he could be there when his only sibling got married - and you can't put a monetary value on that!