Personal advice re:rude comments from children

[Tonya]

The rude comments from children thread got me thinking. Maybe you all could help me with some wording. Parenting isn't always as easy and cut and dry as I'd like it to be.

My son is very observant and inquisitive. Our family is blended with every color on the globe. We have always talked openly with my son about it. (For example when my son would ask why Grandma has such a dark tan, "Grandma Celina is from the Philippines, Jaden. Pilipino people usually have dark skin and almond shaped eyes just like Auntie Alyssa and Grandma...") Anyways, Jaden has become really fascinated with skin color and countries. He's said things lately like "That black guy has nice shoes on." "Are all Vietnamese people bad, or just the ones in the war?" "I can tell those guys are rappers because they are black and have gold necklaces on." "I have a Chinese friend!"...I have just dealt with each comment as they come, but he usually says these things loudly and in public. I tried to tell him that he should refer to them if he doesn't know their name by what they're wearing or something, not by their skin color. His comment was "Why would they get upset about being Chinese? I wish I was Chinese. I wouldn't be embarrassed." (He refers to most Asians as Chinese.) How can I explain to him that it is inappropriate to refer to nationality and skin colors so much without getting to deep? He's got a personality where he asks so many questions and wants to know exactly why. Yet I don't want to poison his young mind with all the woes of war and racism our world has. Can anyone one think of a tactful way to explain this to a six year old without getting to deep?

[Tonya]

We can all complain about how people don't parent their children, yet no one has any advice for me?

[Aspen and Misty]

I asked my dad and he said I dunno?


Hmm, this might sound stupid or whatever but you could say to him that calling someone Black or Chinese is like calling someone stupid It hurts there feelings and they feel like they are being judged.



:confused: Ash

ps: I'm still thinking...........

[Tonya]

Thanks for responding, Aspen. I sort of tried that approach at first, but it didn't work. If I say it that way, I'm giving Jaden the impression that there is something wrong with different skin colors and that people should be ashamed of their skin. :confused:

[roopooroo]

I don't understand what the problem is, and I really don't understand Aspen and Misty's reply.

Calling someone black is like calling them stupid? Am I reading that correctly?

What, exactly, is wrong with saying "that black man's shoes are nice"?

When did being black or asian become something to be ashamed of and never referred to?

BTW, I am black.

[Cataholic]

"Jadan, you don't have to tell everyone every thought that comes into your head".

"Jadan, please don't make generalizations (explaining what that is)".

"Jadan, you know your friend, "Tommy"? Not all your friends are like "Tommy", are they? Well, all chinese people aren't....all african americans aren't....so, "

"Jadan, I am locking you in your room until you are 21"...

[Cataholic]

Originally posted by roopooroo
I don't understand what the problem is, and I really don't understand Aspen and Misty's reply.

Calling someone black is like calling them stupid? Am I reading that correctly?

I don't think she meant that the way you are taking it, though, I can see your point.

As to what is wrong with saying, "that black man's shoes..."....I personally don't like identifying someone by colour, or ethnic origin...I wouldn't do it with a white person...

btw, I am white.

[Tonya]

When did being black or asian become something to be ashamed of and never referred to?

I agree, roopooroo. It is pathetic that our world has so much racism that we have to worry about these things. I want to teach Jaden that there are probably better ways to refer to people because it may give defensive people the impression that he is racist. It shouldn't be a big deal to refer to someone's color, but unfortunatly, people have gotten so paranoid about being discriminated against that we have to watch what we say these days. I am just trying to think of a way to make Jaden understand this without making him think that color is something to be ashamed of. I've racked my brain and I can't think of a way to explain this to him without bringing racism into it. I wan't to protect him from that horrible word as long as I can.

[Tonya]

"Jadan, I am locking you in your room until you are 21"...

lol, cataholic. I think there is a few circumstances that I can apply that one to. ;)

[Aspen and Misty]

Originally posted by Tonya
Thanks for responding, Aspen. I sort of tried that approach at first, but it didn't work. If I say it that way, I'm giving Jaden the impression that there is something wrong with different skin colors and that people should be ashamed of their skin. :confused:

Ahh, I see your point. We defintily don't want to give him that impression and no one should be ashamed of their skin colors.

Ash

[Aspen and Misty]

Originally posted by roopooroo
I don't understand what the problem is, and I really don't understand Aspen and Misty's reply.

Calling someone black is like calling them stupid? Am I reading that correctly?


Sorry, that is NOT at all what I ment, not at all.

I did not mean that calling someone black is calling somone stupid. What I ment was to a 8 year old calling someone stupid is like calling them a swear word, so in a way calling someone black is wrong and that a person should not be seen by what color there skin is, or if it takes them longer to learn things, they should be seen by who they are a refered to by there name. I dunno if that makes sense, it's kinda hard to put into words.


Originally posted by roopooroo
What, exactly, is wrong with saying "that black man's shoes are nice"?

Well I know that around here if my child (which I have none) went around and said "O that balck mans shoes are nice" the person he was refering to would be offened and upset by what my child had said.

I think it's more of a repsect for peoples diffrent personalities, some people do NOT like to be reffered to as black and some people don't mind at all, it's just more of a repect thing.

I think Tonya said what I was trying to say up there ^ better in her last post.

Ash

[CathyBogart]

My mom said that what she did with me and my siblings was explain that some people didn't like other people because of their skin color, so we might hurt their feelings by pointing it out. She did say that she had to explain it to my brother several times...not that he wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, but five year old boys forget!

[Barbara]

Jaden may have noticed that this question is especially important to you. And as he does not know the world history he has no idea why. When he refers to skin colors etc. on one hand he states something that may be as obvious to him as shoes or golden necklaces. On the other hand he may wonder why his mommy is so special about these questions and so all his phrases are a little test for you.

I think he will better understand when he grows up and I suppose he will be happy about what you taught him.

There is nothing wrong with the fact that people look different and that their genes have a variation that is an indication for where there ancestors came from (BTW in the genetic pool of humanity these are very very small variations). There is a lot wrong with the fact that people think certain kinds of different genes correlate with having lesser intelligence, being more prone to be criminal etc.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

HMMM..

I am sure I will not be of any help (i don't have any kids)

My brother and sister in law.. were trying to teach their 5 year old daughter that it wasn't nice to refer to her teachers as the "fat" one or the "skinny" one.. and they were telling her she should refer to them rather by their hair color or what they were wearing.

I wish the world could just take it as a discription (hope that is an o.k. word to use) rather than an insult. I mean it is a fact isn't it?!?!? The man was black... his friend is chinese.

Maybe it isn't as bad as it could be.. he is only stating his observations.. The world is so sad that we have to tiptoe around such things as this.

[Karen]

You can explain to him that skin color isn't everything - that to a Japanese person, for example, it might be very insulting to be called Chinese, that we don't know people's heritage, and so it's polite to not comment on what YOU think their ethnicity might be. And to someone who is a 4th-generation American, being called "that Chinese lady" may make her think "Am I not considered American yet? How long do I have to live here, anyway!"

People are so much more than their skin color.

He is blessed to have different skin-colors in his family, but lots of people aren't, so it is best not to use that as something to talk about without getting to know that person.

[Tonya]

I like your explanation, Karen. I think I may give that one a shot.

Thank you, everyone.


The world is so sad that we have to tiptoe around such things as this.

That is for sure. :(

[Twisterdog]

How can I explain to him that it is inappropriate to refer to nationality and skin colors so much without getting to deep?

But IS it inappropriate? Says who? By telling your child that the words "black" or "Chinese" are inappropriate and not something to be said in public, are you not, in effect, telling your child that they are something to be ashamed of, something inferior and hurtful ... like calling someone stupid or ugly?

To a young child who is raised without prejudice and bigotry, the words "black" or "Chinese" are simply facts, not insults ... just like the words "tall" or "blue-eyed" would be. I think you should congratulate yourself on the fact that your child sees nothing derogatory in these terms.

This is probably a phase your child is going through. Kids have to learn to organize the chaos that is their world, because for a child, the world gets a little bigger and a little more confusing every day.

Perhaps you could simply redirect your child's train of thought. When he says, "That black man over there has a cute dog.", you could say, "Which man? The man with the blue coat on? Yes, the tall man in the blue coat does have a cute dog!" If he sees race is not always the first/most important identifying characteristic, he will unconsciously start to mimic that phrasing.

[jenluckenbach]

Perhaps you could simply redirect your child's train of thought. When he says, "That black man over there has a cute dog.", you could say, "Which man? The man with the blue coat on? Yes, the tall man in the blue coat does have a cute dog!" If he sees race is not always the first/most important identifying characteristic, he will unconsciously start to mimic that phrasing.
EXCELLENT!!!!!
You are either a very good parent or someone who will be in the future. :D

[Tonya]

EXCELLENT!!!!!

You are either a very good parent or someone who will be in the future.

I agree! Good advice.

[Twisterdog]

You are either a very good parent or someone who will be in the future.

*blushes*

Thanks!

(Although sometimes I'm sure my twelve year old son would NOT agree with that statement at all!)

[Kater]

Originally posted by jenluckenbach
You are either a very good parent or someone who will be in the future. :D

Twisterdog, you have always given me this same impression. Your son is very lucky! (he'll appreicate it later...)

[2kitties]

Also let Jayden know that people should ideally be identified by who they are on the inside. We should all strive to identify one another by what we do, not what we see. And, if we only see what is on the outside, we miss so much of what makes us all special.