Funny Stories Anyone?

[ChrisH]

I have been sort of collecting these from my e-mails and they don`t really fit into the Jokes thread cos they are true stories. So, here they are, and maybe you all could add some more!?:D

First 3....

AS THE NEW OWNER of an older home, my friend Jim tried to become an instant handyman. When his kitchen water line froze, he decided to correct the problem himself by drilling through the wall between the kitchen and living room to reroute the pipe. Jim called me to ask if I knew why there would be heavy insulation on an inside wall. The more he drilled, the more insulation came through the hole. I went to his house to inspect the site and found that what was coming through the hole was not insulation but upholstery stuffing. He had drilled through the wall, right into the back of the living-room sofa.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by William M. Chittester

MY PARENTS and another couple visited me in Boston, where I was attending college. After a day of shopping, the two women were eager to return to their hotel via the subway. I was going back to my dorm, which was one stop before theirs, so I rode with them. Unfortunately, it was rush hour and we became separated in the crowded car. Every time the train stopped, Mom called out, "Brenda, are you still here?"
I finally yelled to her that I would let her know when I was getting off. When my stop came, I shouted, "Mom, I'm getting off now." To my embarrassment, everyone on the subway car yelled back, "Bye, Brenda!"
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Brenda Klein Ross

AS A FLIGHT ENGINEER on a C-130 cargo plane, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my Air Force flying career, my mother has been concerned for my safety, so I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: "Kick theirs, protect yours. Love, Mom."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by SSgt. Jeff L. Keelan

[ChrisH]

Another two...

MY HUSBAND, a supervisory aerospace engineer, had been retired three months before he visited his old work place. He wandered into one office and found a draftsman laboring earnestly. He hardly looked up the whole time he chatted with my husband.
Sensing that he was interrupting an important project, my husband was about to excuse himself when the draftsman threw down his instruments and sat back. "For Pete's sake," he said, "it's just dawned on me that I no longer have to look busy when you appear."
--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work" by Marie W. Lee

OUR DAUGHTER, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look, somebody came as a palm!"
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Elizabeth Marvin

Thats all folks....:D

[primabella]

Those were great! :D I have a few but I'll only share one ;)

I was on the bus to go home with two of my friends (one of them is an ex-friend though :p). She was sitting and my best friend and I were standing up, holding onto those poles. The girl sitting looked up at me and asked me what time it was, so I let go of the pole to check my watch. Just as I did that, the bus took a HUGE stop and my best friend and I went flying across the bus. I hit my head on a seat and my friend banged into a pole. Everybody kept asking if we were alright and I was just confused on what just happened. The girl sitting was cracking up through the whole thing. I then turned around to see an old lady jumping up from her seat trying to get to my wallet (which has flown even farther in the front) She was probably just trying to get it for me but she was going after it pretty fast! ;)

[Tonya]

When my son, Jaden was four, he had a bunch of tiny scratches on his feet from swimming. The cuts weren't that big of a deal, but he was carrying on. I kept telling him to get over it, that they were to little for bandaids. I was getting annoyed because he wouldn't stop whining. So, I told him "If you want bandaids on them, go get them and put them on yourself. They're in the hall closet." So he runs down the hall way and is gone for a while. I hear him walking down the hallway and he yells "Mommy, I found some BIG OL' Bandaids!" He comes out and he has maxi pads wrapped around his feet. My husband and I about died laughing.

When Jaden was about two, he was laying in his room "napping". I was talking to my mom about my work shift in the living room. He kept yelling "MOM!!!! BAD WORD!!!". So I went into the room and explained that 'shift' isn't a bad word. I'd totally forgotten about it. Then a month later, we're at the church daycare. Jaden drops a toy and goes "OH, SHIFT!" I go "JADEN!" He goes "Don't worry, mommy...remember, its not a bad word."

One more: Jaden was about 3. I was at my parents house and Jaden was playing in the backyard. We were having an important discussion inside. Jaden kept coming to the sliding glass door over and over again. He'd say "Come meet my ducky!" I don't remember what my parents and I were talking about, but it was important, so I kept telling Jaden to go back outside, that I'd be there in a minute. Like 45 minutes go by of this, and finally I go outside. I was totally thinking that Jaden was playing that he had an imaginary ducky. There he is, holding a dead gopher in his hand. The gopher's guts are hanging out his mouth. He's standing there, petting the gopher. I freaked out and like flung it out of his hand. I go "ewww, that's a dead gopher!" Jaden got all offended and goes "Don't talk about my ducky that way!"

[apcrs5122]

Tonya, those are hillarious stories. I'm laughing so hard now!

[iceyshiver21]

OMG!! these are too funny...thanks for makeing my night :)

[apcrs5122]

Originally posted by iceyshiver21
OMG!! these are too funny...thanks for makeing my night :)
took the words right outta my mouth you did! :p

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

One time me and my boyfriend (now husband) and his friend were riding in his car.. Eric was driving, I was in the passenger seat and Adam was riding in the back seat... (we were not wearing seat belts..
... and Eric for some reason had to slam on his breaks.... I WENT FLYING INTO THE WINDSHIELD.... (i know that doesn't sound funny but it didn't hurt....) the funny thing about it was I was the only one that even moved in the car... Eric and Adam were glued to their seat like nothing ever happened.... it was SO FUNNY.... It kinda happened like a cartton scene or something.

AND THEN.... there was this time when my friend and her boyfriend were prank calling me at work and had me fooled for THREE STRAIGHT WHOLE DAYS!!!! If it wasn't such a long story I would tell it... but it was SO FUNNY!!

[ChrisH]

AT THE END of a busy week, my 17-year-old daughter -- eldest of my four kids -- asked me why I had had children. I could never imagine my life without them, I replied.
"But, Mom," she said, "you don't have a life."
--Contributed to "Short Takes" by Ora Justice

ON A SHOPPING TRIP with my daughter, a Navy flight surgeon, I noticed that one item on her list was Snoopy bandages. She said they were for some of her patients who were unnecessarily upset by their minor scratches and routine shots.
Beaming with maternal pride, I told her how thoughtful she was to make the officers' children so happy.
"Children?" she said. "Mother, these are for the pilots."
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Fran Solomon Smith

WHILE WE STOOD at attention during a parade, the private next to me waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" our drill instructor sternly whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI barreled in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?" "Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
--Contributed to "Humor In Uniform" by Andrew G. Ramon

[ChloeLove]

Originally posted by Tonya
When my son, Jaden was four, he had a bunch of tiny scratches on his feet from swimming. The cuts weren't that big of a deal, but he was carrying on. I kept telling him to get over it, that they were to little for bandaids. I was getting annoyed because he wouldn't stop whining. So, I told him "If you want bandaids on them, go get them and put them on yourself. They're in the hall closet." So he runs down the hall way and is gone for a while. I hear him walking down the hallway and he yells "Mommy, I found some BIG OL' Bandaids!" He comes out and he has maxi pads wrapped around his feet. My husband and I about died laughing.

When Jaden was about two, he was laying in his room "napping". I was talking to my mom about my work shift in the living room. He kept yelling "MOM!!!! BAD WORD!!!". So I went into the room and explained that 'shift' isn't a bad word. I'd totally forgotten about it. Then a month later, we're at the church daycare. Jaden drops a toy and goes "OH, SHIFT!" I go "JADEN!" He goes "Don't worry, mommy...remember, its not a bad word."

One more: Jaden was about 3. I was at my parents house and Jaden was playing in the backyard. We were having an important discussion inside. Jaden kept coming to the sliding glass door over and over again. He'd say "Come meet my ducky!" I don't remember what my parents and I were talking about, but it was important, so I kept telling Jaden to go back outside, that I'd be there in a minute. Like 45 minutes go by of this, and finally I go outside. I was totally thinking that Jaden was playing that he had an imaginary ducky. There he is, holding a dead gopher in his hand. The gopher's guts are hanging out his mouth. He's standing there, petting the gopher. I freaked out and like flung it out of his hand. I go "ewww, that's a dead gopher!" Jaden got all offended and goes "Don't talk about my ducky that way!"


LMAO!!! Those are hilarious! :D :D :D :D :D :D

[jonza]

I rather liked this collection of press releases:

Subject: Press releases

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are
Fascist bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and
Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard
on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he
was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help,
the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)


… and this is supposed to be a true story:

GOOD LUCK Mr. GORSKY

On july 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words, after stepping on the moon, were televised to earth and heard by millions:

"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,"

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On july 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were mr. and mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard mrs. Gorsky shouting at mr. Gorsky "sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" :D :D :D

[bnormal]

ChrisH, too funny! Keep them coming please!

:D :D :D

[lovemyshiba]

Those are all hilarious!!!!

I just loved the "Mr Gorsky" story--lololol!!!!

And Jaden--what a riot!!!!

I have a 5-year-old cousin, who swears like a sailor--she knows every swear word, and makes sure to point it out when someone else says one too.

One night, the family is at my grandmother's house, and my gram says something about reading the paper, and something about an obituary. From the next room, Molly could be heard singing "Gramma said b***h, Gramma said b***h."
:D :D

[GoldenRetrLuver]

Originally posted by lovemyshiba
Those are all hilarious!!!!

I just loved the "Mr Gorsky" story--lololol!!!!

And Jaden--what a riot!!!!

I have a 5-year-old cousin, who swears like a sailor--she knows every swear word, and makes sure to point it out when someone else says one too.

One night, the family is at my grandmother's house, and my gram says something about reading the paper, and something about an obituary. From the next room, Molly could be heard singing "Gramma said b***h, Gramma said b***h."
:D :D

lolololololololol!!!! :D I used to do that when I was little...hehe

[Chinadoll]

Here's one...well, it was funny to me anyway. My co-worker is in he 40's. One day at lunch she went to Taco Bell. After the girl rang up her order, she told Linda(my co-worker) that the total was $0.79. Linda told her she must have forgotten something. The girl read back the order and said no everything is on here....It's just your senior citizen discount which makes it cheaper. Linda said she wanted to strangle the kid!

[ChrisH]

I WAS recuperating from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to participate in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller continued trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
--Contributed to "Short Takes" by Bernadine Castle

[ChrisH]

I DREAD going to the dentist. Once, to ease my tension, I listed my middle name as "Wimp." The receptionist read it, laughed and assured me that many patients felt the same way.
Half an hour later, the receptionist came into the waiting room. Looking directly at me, she said, smiling, "The doctor will now see the wimp."
Three other people got up with me.
--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Patricia Mitchell

[Andie]

Originally posted by jonza
… and this is supposed to be a true story:

GOOD LUCK Mr. GORSKY

On july 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words, after stepping on the moon, were televised to earth and heard by millions:

"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,"

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On july 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were mr. and mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard mrs. Gorsky shouting at mr. Gorsky "sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" :D :D :D

LOL I always love that story but it's just an urban legend.

[Andie]

Ok I have one that my little brother did.

If you look at Mike today you can see a faint circle scar on his forehead. (sadly I can find a pic where you can see it)

Back to the story:

When Mike was a little, maybe 2 or 3, he was playing in his room being quiet. All of a sudden he started screaming! Mom rushed in there and got him quiet and calm again and found out he had burnt his forehead. How, I hear you ask. He wanted to see what was inside the lightbulb while it was on and pressed his head against it.

[Sevens]

Hehehe Andie, I have one similar to yours. When my mother and uncle were kids, they were playing in one of the bedrooms of their house. All of a sudden, my grandparents hear a blood curdling scream. They ran in and here is my mom with a lamp (no shade on) and my uncle holding his stomach and crying. My mom just looked at them and said, "I just wanted to see what would happen."

Till the day my uncle died (October 10, 2002) whenever he got a dark tan on his stomach, you could still see the impression of the light bulb. 60 watts, I believe....:) :eek: :)

RIP Uncle Gene.

[ChrisH]

AT OUR DAUGHTER'S high school graduation, I couldn't help noticing a young man sporting a long bleached-blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his otherwise-shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear displayed several earrings. I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, "Man, I feel so out of place. I'm the only guy here not wearing a tie."
--Contributed to "Short Takes" by Deborah Snyder

[ChrisH]

I CAME ACROSS a letter that had been written to me 12 years earlier while I was in college. I still fondly remembered the sender -- a Shakespeare-quoting, truth-seeking young man -- and wrote to his parents, asking where I could contact him. My letter was returned promptly, with this note scrawled across the bottom: "Our son went on to law school and is a successful attorney. He is active politically, unmarried and, believe it or not, lives at home. PLEASE COME GET HIM!"

--Contributed to "Life In These United States" by Sandy Clark

[Tonya]

hehe, These stories are great. I just thought of another one that Jaden did. When he was three, we were both supposed to be taking naps. I was in my room, and he in his. I kept hearing sniffling and kleenex being pulled out of the box. I got up to go see what was going on. His eyes were totally tearing up. I kept asking him why his eyes were watering and why he was sniffling. He wouldn't tell me at first, and then he busrt out "I gottta rooocket ship up my noooose!" I looked up his nose, and I didn't see anything, so I was a bit confused. Especially because I couldn't imagine what rocketship toy he was talking about that would fit there. (Or why in the world he would do such a thing!) Well, we took him to the ER and sure enough, something was lodged up there. Mike and Jaden had been building a model rocket and Jaden had shoved a part up his nose. It was so far up his nasal passage that they had to surgically remove it.

[anna_66]

I have a short funny story.

This morning I was doing a little scrapbooking and my computer was on. My wall paper is a picture of my brother's dog. Well, Roxey came over to me & happened to look over at the computer. She must have thought he really was him:rolleyes: She would just stare & if I made any noises she would jump! It was about the funniest thing to watch. Here's the picture (guess it was about as big as him:D)