oh, my eyes hurt

[iceyshiver21]

I got a question i'm working on writing a book, and i need some new eyes(cuz mine are starting to hurt real bad) and views to look at it i'll only post little pieces at a time, i also need suggestions, its very important that if it stinks i need to know and I can even set up a poll so you can tell my secretly, if anyone has a problem with that just post or send a pm. thanks!

can you give a bit more info ? What is it all about , and what kind of help do you need ?

[iceyshiver21]

here ill post a snipit and if anyone like really dont like it i'll delete it
He walked over to me and sat down with a smile, in his hand a fresh bouquet of flowers. Today was Friday, which meant no school for a few days, just us, in an open field having a picnic like two friends should. I leapt up but before I could do anything a shot echoed in my ears, he screamed out in pain, I couldn’t move my world as I knew it had just ended, we died together that day me and him, only of different deaths, him from a shot wound, me from a broken heart, my friend as I knew him was gone.
here i hope you like it.

[Cataholic]

IC- repeat after me, I will not delete posts, I will not delete posts, I will not delete posts....he he he..

I liked it. Are you doing a book of short snipits?

[zippy-kat]

I'm game! However, I prefer to give constructive criticism/praise privately.

You can email me at [email protected] if you'd like.

[RockyRoad]

I really do not think I could help because I don't exactly know how to write a book like you do. But I saw the little bit of it and I thought it was really good!! :) I would love to, if you would want a 12 year old to help you! Good luck!:D I bet you will sell lots of copies of it and get lots and lots of money;).

[iceyshiver21]

I can use anybodys help, im only 15, so theres not much of an age differance. OHHHH>>>I almost forgot my mommy found me a contest im going to enter top prize is 100 dollars and you get your poem, essay, or short-story published in a book that they place in alot of libararys, the theme is "Freedom to read"

[iceyshiver21]

I liked it. Are you doing a book of short snipits?

No but that would be fun to do though i might have to try im thinking of changing the story a little so i can personallize it some more, WAIT just got an idea, i really need dog names, if you type your dog names or just a name that you like i will inclued them in the book so basically all you can make the dog characters, just like give me a name, breed, personality or distigishing features then if i can ever find some one to publish my book ill put all your names(or nicknames) in the credits, if you'd like.

[Tanya&Fritz]

Are you interested in grammar and punctuation criticism? Or basically just the story line???

[iceyshiver21]

all of it. any help i can get.

[Tanya&Fritz]

Here you go:

He walked over to me and sat down with a smile, in his hand a fresh bouquet of flowers. Today was Friday, which meant no school for a few days, just us, in an open field having a picnic like two friends should. I leapt up, but before I could do anything a shot echoed in my ears. He screamed out in pain and I couldn’t move; my world as I knew it had just ended. We died together that day, he and I, only of different types of deaths. He died from a shot wound and I died from a broken heart. My friend as I knew him was gone.

[iceyshiver21]

Thank-you, i realized a few mistakes and never got them fixed, and i see you fixed them all for me thanks again.

[iceyshiver21]

heres another snip-it

I sat half way jumped up with a cold sweat all over me, breathing so hard I thought I collapse. As my breathing slowed I realized it was all just a dream, I relaxed, then panicked again realizing why I woke up in the first place, my ears frantically searching for the sound that had woke me. I relaxed again, recognizing the familiar sound. It was Alex.
here hope you like