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caseysmom
05-15-2012, 02:23 AM
I am having an issue with my brother in law...sister's husband and I need some advice or opinions.

I invite him and my sister over often for family gatherings, my husbands brother and wife often come with their 3 year old son.
My brother in law constantly makes remarks regarding my nephew. He did go through a stage a while back like banging on the piano etc but
overall he is a good kid and I think a normal 3 year old boy with lots of energy. The first time the remark was because there was a birthday cake
for someone so he stuck his finger in the icing, my brother in law had a fit. The next birthday occasion he did the same thing and my brother in
law said something about not wanting cake because of that kid, I was ready for him though I told him I also had cupcakes somewhere else.

So for mothers day I invited my in laws and I didn't intend to invite my sister and her husband. My sister called my daughter to invite all of us over
and she didn't know what to do so I called my sister and invtied her too. We had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and we have been on good terms
for a few years so I don't want to lose my sister. Well Sunday my nephew was looking for potter and someone said we should let him know he is inside, my
nephew was looking on the porch, my brother in law said no let him stay out there right in front of his mom. He was on good behaviour and did nothing obnoxious
yesterday but when I got the cake out for mothers day he said to my husband ...its my birthday??? so my husband dotes on my nephew and loves him to death so
he sticks a candle in the cake and gets everyone to sing happy birthday...my brother in law couldn't stand it he says "wait until that kid grows up and sees that
the whole world doesn't revolve around him"

Also a bit of history when my brother in law and sister married he had custody every other weekend of his son and I usually ended up with him but they have a
huge house and the kitchen has 3 sinks but their son wasn't allowed to wash his hands in any kitchen sink he had to go top the laundry room so he does have control issues.

My question...should I realize he is a jerk in that area and ignore it so I can see my sister or should I send her a note explaining how I feel, it really makes me upset for my sister in law although she has been good about ignoring him but they are guests in my home and he is basically coming over and insulting their kid.

Sorry its so long.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 06:05 AM
Forgot to add that since the twins were born we are trrying to be careful to give my nephew enough attention because of course the twins
are getting tons...hence the birthday cake candle...

Cataholic
05-15-2012, 06:21 AM
Firstly, there is NOTHING wrong with putting a candle in a cake and singing Happy Birthday to a 3 year old, even when it isn't his birthday. Trust me, they grow up fast enough and realize the world 'isn't all about them'. Is this the 3 year old in the same family as the twins? If so, I would go out of my way to make sure he realizes how special and loved he is. Of course, even not, he should still be shown how special and loved he is.

If someone comes to my house and insults my guests, I would say something. But, your sister should also stick up for her own child, too. No need to have a war, but maybe, "seems you have forgotten what it is like to be 3, we haven't. Please back off" or something to that effect.

Oh, the horrors of a child sticking his finger in a birthday cake! I can only presume your BIL never, ever eats out in a restaurant. Talk about dirty/germy. :)

pomtzu
05-15-2012, 06:33 AM
Well I might be in the minority, but I think this little boy needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. Sorry!!! By putting that candle on the cake, your hubby was reinforcing the little boy's behavior - I won't say bad behavior - maybe more like undesirable. And the boy should have learned you don't stick your fingers in somebody else's cake - especially twice. I believe the parents are at fault tho - IF he behaves at home, then he needs to be taught that he has to behave at other people's homes too.
Of course this is just my very old fashioned opinion.

moosmom
05-15-2012, 07:11 AM
Well Pomtzu, looks like you and I are BOTH old fashion, cuz I totally agree with you.

I worked with a woman who had 3 daughters. Everytime it was one of their birthdays, they ALL got a gift so the other ones wouldn't be left out. If they didn't get a gift, they threw tantrums. That is udder BS. And rewarding this kid for bad behavior is not a good thing either.

I believe it is the parent's obligation to see that their children behave both at home AND out in the REAL world. As far as the BIL is concerned, I think he has issues with kids in general. Nothing this little kid does will be okay with the BIL.

catnapper
05-15-2012, 07:40 AM
If you didn't say anything at the time, you missed your opportunity. If he freaks out again, say something jokey like "thank goodness Godzilla saved half of Tokyo!" or "I guess its HIS cake now!"

My brother has the best behaved kids I know. At Easter I bought Bakery made cupcakes. His kids know they aren't allowed sweets, so when the adults were having a conversation in one room, they were in another licking the frosting off of $20 worth of cupcakes. I thought it was funny. Funny! They took a calculated risk (knew they weren't allowed sweets but weighed it against dad's reaction) and went for it. They're KIDS! At a PARTY. I was upset over the money wasted, but I was the idiot who bought gourmet cupcakes for a family gathering.... besides it was my brother's job to correct them. By the way, Cameron looked at me in shock because he knew he would never get away with something like that.... but his misbehavior is of a different variety -- he's high energy and generally embrasses us in public as strangers watch either in horror or laughing their tooshies off (people think he's much older because of how big he is. He's 5 but defintely looks 8. They tell me he should be acting his age.... yeah, have a five year old act like an eight year old and you can keep waiting three years to see it happen).

As for saying something to him or your sister. Tell your sister it hurts you. Use "I" statements (see? my time in therapy has some uses! :)) and see if she can talk to him. If she disagrees, then agree to disagree and drop it. You told her how it makes you feel. Its her husband and her relationship and she can talk to him about his behavior. It will only cause animosity if you skipped over her and hent to him. I am still smarting 10 years later when my brother did that to my husband.... they were right, but they went about it all wrong.

momcat
05-15-2012, 07:44 AM
Ellie and Donna, I have to agree with both of you. Apparently, BIL isn't a kid person but that's okay. Kids that age get on my nerves now, I just don't have the patience for them anymore. But at 3, this kid should have some manners and know better than to stick his hands in cake frosting.

pomtzu
05-15-2012, 08:11 AM
Just one more thought................Hubby missed an opportunity to steer this little boy in the right direction. When the boy saw the cake and asked if it was his birthday, hubby should have said; "no - it's for (fill in the blank), and after the cake is cut, you will get to have a piece too." Why not nurture him to become a sharing individual?? - nothing wrong with that! The longer everyone waits to introduce him to acceptable behavior, the less likely you are to have positive results.

Pembroke_Corgi
05-15-2012, 09:09 AM
I'm actually surprised that people think that, by three, kids should have the whole world figured out. Developmentally, 3 year olds ARE the center of their own universe; it's a normal stage of development and they really do not have the cognitive ability not to be so egocentric. And you know what, freaking out over a stupid cake (as a grown, fully developed adult) is WAY more childish and immature than anything the child did.

Your nephew's behavior seems perfectly normal and I think it's the brother in law that has the problem. How does your sister in law feel about the issue (the one whose child is being insulted)? I would talk to her, say you don't like the behavior and ask if it bothers her, then decide what to do.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 11:26 AM
Thanks everyone I figured I would get some vastly different opinions which is good that is the real world.

Firstly my sister is not the child's mother its my sister in law pembrook you seemed like everyone but you was confused about that, and my sil his mother
is so polite she just ignores him. My in laws do lots of disciplinje correction but he is 3 and the cake issues were about a year ago. The cake sunday was for
mothers day so it wasn't anyone elses birthday cake just to clarify.

Some of the remarks I wasn't standing right there, the one about the whole world won't revolve my daughter was there for.

Also sometimes he plays with a phone app on his moms iphone, on another day he saw the twins playing with a play phone and said at least they don't
have a phone like Ryan! I guess I don't think quickly on my feet but clearly he can't stand him. The thing is he is good with kids usually he was great with
one of my nieces he just can't stand that my nephew isn't perfect I guess.

I do tend to agree with cataholic and pembrook but I also understand the others opinions on this and do appreciate them. I have tried to give my sister
in law some tips like when he has a meltdown in a store to just leave.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 11:37 AM
I also think my BIL's father was a tyrant who truly didn't let his kids be kids, sometimes people can't help it because of how they were raised. When his son was 12 the courts let him decide where to live, with my sister and bil he would have had a huge house and a lexus...he chose his mom...that tells you something.

My sister never had her own kids but she has always been good to mine so has my bil but when they were toddlers and would misbehave it would bother him too...I already told my daughter when the twins are terrible two's she will have fun with her uncle. He does seem to have extra animosity for my nephew though. My falling out with them was actually because of how mad my hubby got at my daughter during her teen years which is funny actually.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 11:42 AM
Also I did apologize to my sil once about bil...said he made remarks when my klds were small etc she said oh don't worry about it Ryan is a handful sometimes. She does talk to me often about the best ways to discipline him, he does great in preschool though I am just thinking its because he has nobody his age to play with and his father my husbands brother is too serious and doesn't play with him enough maybe my husband on the other hand adores him and plays with him all the time. Soon the twins will be great playmates for him and he is very gentle and sweet with them.

pomtzu
05-15-2012, 03:18 PM
The point that this old timer was trying to make, is that children are never too young to be taught manners and respect for other people and their belongings - whether it be a cake or a toy, or whatever. The longer a child is allowed to behave inappropriately, the longer it will take to get that child to act appropriately. Of course at the age of 3 they haven't figured their world out, but that's the duty and obligation of the parents to guide the child in the right direction. No one has to be a drill sergeant to their kids, yet they need to be firm and not just look the other way and ignore the issues. Kids will push and push just to see how far they can go and what they can get away with, and it will be confusing to them when all of a sudden they get busted for something they have been doing all along, and now for some strange reason (in their mind), Mom or Dad steps up and says "no more of that behavior".
Again - just the old fashioned way that I was raised, and the way I raised my kids, and in turn, the way my kids raised their kids.

moosmom
05-15-2012, 03:29 PM
Pomtzu,


The point that this old timer was trying to make, is that children are never too young to be taught manners and respect for other people and their belongings - whether it be a cake or a toy, or whatever. The longer a child is allowed to behave inappropriately, the longer it will take to get that child to act appropriately. Of course at the age of 3 they haven't figured their world out, but that's the duty and obligation of the parents to guide the child in the right direction. No one has to be a drill sergeant to their kids, yet they need to be firm and not just look the other way and ignore the issues. Kids will push and push just to see how far they can go and what they can get away with, and it will be confusing to them when all of a sudden they get busted for something they have been doing all along, and now for some strange reason (in their mind), Mom or Dad steps up and says "no more of that behavior".e
Again - just the old fashioned way that I was raised, and the way I raised my kids, and in turn, the way my kids raised their kids.

AMEN SISTA!!!!!

When I was growing up, all my parents had to do was give us "THE LOOK" aka "The hairy eyeball" and we towed the line. I'll tell ya, todays kids have absolutely NO respect for ANYONE.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 03:45 PM
Pomtzu,



AMEN SISTA!!!!!

When I was growing up, all my parents had to do was give us "THE LOOK" aka "The hairy eyeball" and we towed the line. I'll tell ya, todays kids have absolutely NO respect for ANYONE.

I don't believe that is true Donna and its quite a sad opinion of this generation that you have. My children gave me a wonderful mothers day, my oldest sent me flowers at work and they sent my daughter home from college for a surprise, got me wonderful gifts...please try not to hate the next generation there is good there, my kids have lots of friends that I truly love. My nephew is also a sweet young man, I was in the kitchen and he came in and pulled on my shirt, I looked down and he said "I love you aunt shelley, happy mothers day" it was the freakin cutest thing ever.

Lady's Human
05-15-2012, 04:01 PM
I'd have a chat with the in-law.

Very simply, it's my house, and if someone is going to start issues, I reserve the right to finish them.

"Control" belongs to the person/people in charge of the household. Frankly I would have shown him the door for being a needless skunk at the garden party. I'd rather have peace with the people who are there and be minus one or two guests.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 04:12 PM
I'd have a chat with the in-law.

Very simply, it's my house, and if someone is going to start issues, I reserve the right to finish them.

"Control" belongs to the person/people in charge of the household. Frankly I would have shown him the door for being a needless skunk at the garden party. I'd rather have peace with the people who are there and be minus one or two guests.

Yeah I agree my in laws were guests in my house and he was insulting my guests...a grown man that has that much trouble with a little boy has issues. When my sister married him she had a cat, now he doesn't let her even though she makes all the money but anyway it was funny she took a pic of the kitty walking up on his back when he was laying down I said oh look you do love pizazz and he said pizazz was trying to show dominance I hate that cat....

I think the next time their is a holiday I just won't invite them and if it comes up I will nicely tell my sister why.

Cataholic
05-15-2012, 04:48 PM
I'm actually surprised that people think that, by three, kids should have the whole world figured out. Developmentally, 3 year olds ARE the center of their own universe; it's a normal stage of development and they really do not have the cognitive ability not to be so egocentric. And you know what, freaking out over a stupid cake (as a grown, fully developed adult) is WAY more childish and immature than anything the child did.

Your nephew's behavior seems perfectly normal and I think it's the brother in law that has the problem. How does your sister in law feel about the issue (the one whose child is being insulted)? I would talk to her, say you don't like the behavior and ask if it bothers her, then decide what to do.

Nail? Meet head. You are so right. I am really surprised that people think a 3 year old....which is one year away from two...my goodness, my son didn't even TALK at two, think this toddler should have it all figured out, too. Frankly, if one expects such maturity from a three year old, shouldn't the adult know ten times better? It is all about control. Some people have to have it.

Children learn what they are taught. I know how I was raised, and it surely wasn't with such disparaging comments as the ones you have mentioned Caseysmom. The child is three.

Sometimes, I think we forget what it really was like as children, and our views become somewhat tainted. I know of many well behaved children, respectful, kind, thoughtful, etc. And, of course, I know some that aren't. Just like I know some adults that should be forever in a time out chair. LOL.

Bottom line- this man is a guest in YOUR home, and he should act it. If he wants to run roughshod in his OWN home, he can (and prolly does, all alone, too).

Cataholic
05-15-2012, 04:49 PM
. When my sister married him she had a cat, now he doesn't let her even though she makes all the money

Nice. An adult 'letting' or 'not letting' another adult do something. That would have been clue #1 this person wasn't for me.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 05:05 PM
Nice. An adult 'letting' or 'not letting' another adult do something. That would have been clue #1 this person wasn't for me.

Yep...and since my sister never had children of her own which she wanted it makes me even madder. Don't get me wrong my brother in law treats my sister in law like a queen (with exceptions on cats haha) he opens the door for her (its wierd to me actually she has to sit and wait while he gets out to come over and open her door) he does all the cooking and he generally treats her very well. They are both extreme neat freaks so I was happy she found her match made in hell....haha

sasvermont
05-15-2012, 05:13 PM
It seems to me that the BIL has a big mouth and needs someone to tell him that. What a three year old does at someone else's house just isn't his business. Plain and simple.

I agree that three year old kiddies are just that. Three. They are learning skills - and trying to get on with their new lives. His parents should have prepared him for the eating cake scene and the party, etc. before the party. Even then, there is no guarantee the child will act correctly. Kids are kids at age three. I like the well behaved ones, I must admit. They do understand at three, a bit limited, and each time you change up the situation, it confuses them. Give him a couple of years, with good parenting, and he'll be fine. Also, all children are not created equal. Some learn to be socially appropriate much more quickly than others.

I would not invite BIL to any event unless his wife tells him how to behave in order to be a guest. The little boy will be fine.

moosmom
05-15-2012, 05:24 PM
When my sister married him she had a cat, now he doesn't let her even though she makes all the money

Hey Johanna,

FINALLY we agree on something! He wouldn't LET her??? What are they, in the stone age???? :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 05:24 PM
I'm pretty sure when they start acting like this to my daughters twins crud will hit the fan...he already told my daughter he is happy to help with parenting if she asks..they insunuate that I didn't teach them anything...

Lady's Human
05-15-2012, 05:34 PM
The more you describe them, the more they sound like petty people, which would make it a petty loss were they not at your next party.

caseysmom
05-15-2012, 05:37 PM
The more you describe them, the more they sound like petty people, which would make it a petty loss were they not at your next party.


Exactly...I could go on and on...don't really know why I care I just like to keep the peace so my kids have a relationship with their aunt.

Scooter's Mom
05-15-2012, 07:11 PM
Pomtzu,



AMEN SISTA!!!!!

When I was growing up, all my parents had to do was give us "THE LOOK" aka "The hairy eyeball" and we towed the line. I'll tell ya, todays kids have absolutely NO respect for ANYONE.

Unfortunately, neither does some of the older generation.


I say at the age of 3, let the child be a child. If he sticks his fingers in the icing - so what! Your BIL is the one who is acting childish.

Asiel
05-15-2012, 08:50 PM
You can toss me in with the old fashioned bunch here. If that was my 3 yr old acting that way he would learn real quick that the behavior is unnacceptable. I've had all I can handle of today's ill behaved kids, and the excuses that come along with the behavior which shows me the parents know the kids are brats but choose the easy way out....let the little darlings do as they please.
No way would any of us ever have gotten away with rude behavior such as this and no way would my own kids have gotten away with it either.

carole
05-15-2012, 11:07 PM
well i am of the older generation here i guess, and i have to say i totally disagree with some of the comments made, i think your brother n law is WAY OUT OF LINE here, and could in fact have a detrimental affect on that young boy.

He has too high expectations of him ,totally unreal in my opinion, i am all for manners and respect too, i was raised that way and hopefully raised my two that way as well, but honestly i let my children be just that children. That did not mean they were allowed to destroy anything or others people's property or have bad manners, nope i instilled those in them and was always told what lovely mannered kids i had,but i still let them be kids and after all some things are age appropriate.

It is your house and guests in your house need to respect THAT,if you find his behaviour offensive, be it the brother n law or the little boy, you should say so.

My children always had the understanding there were things they were allowed to do in my house , but not necessarily in others, like my mothers home, my mother could never understand that,but it worked for me and my kids soon got to know all the rules.

I may well have not read it right, but i did not see anything that would make me label this kid a BRAT.

Also worth a mention ,yep i was raised with good manners, and do as you are told, but i have to say the self esteem was not there or encouraged, my parents just never had it given to them and they found it hard to pass on, i tried to break the cycle, and i sort of did, but not 100 per cent, to me it is the biggest gift you can ever give your children HIGH SELF ESTEEM.

caseysmom
05-16-2012, 02:23 AM
well i am of the older generation here i guess, and i have to say i totally disagree with some of the comments made, i think your brother n law is WAY OUT OF LINE here, and could in fact have a detrimental affect on that young boy.

He has too high expectations of him ,totally unreal in my opinion, i am all for manners and respect too, i was raised that way and hopefully raised my two that way as well, but honestly i let my children be just that children. That did not mean they were allowed to destroy anything or others people's property or have bad manners, nope i instilled those in them and was always told what lovely mannered kids i had,but i still let them be kids and after all some things are age appropriate.

It is your house and guests in your house need to respect THAT,if you find his behaviour offensive, be it the brother n law or the little boy, you should say so.

My children always had the understanding there were things they were allowed to do in my house , but not necessarily in others, like my mothers home, my mother could never understand that,but it worked for me and my kids soon got to know all the rules.

I may well have not read it right, but i did not see anything that would make me label this kid a BRAT.

Also worth a mention ,yep i was raised with good manners, and do as you are told, but i have to say the self esteem was not there or encouraged, my parents just never had it given to them and they found it hard to pass on, i tried to break the cycle, and i sort of did, but not 100 per cent, to me it is the biggest gift you can ever give your children HIGH SELF ESTEEM.

As usual you said it most eloquently Carole...totally how I feel. Luckily I think Ryan is for the most part oblivious to my bil except for the fact that I did see him try to engage my bil sunday and was unsuccessful. The only time I see him being a brat is sometimes to his mom and if I am around I talk to him about being nice to his mom. Sunday he was extremelly well behaved my bil just had to have something to say because he now has it in for my nephew...how mature....he use to be a police officer...may be where the control thing comes from.

carole
05-16-2012, 02:46 AM
he certainly sounds like he has control issues, i would ignore him, it is not fair of him to have an instant dislike for the little boy, very immature of him.

I think you know deep in your heart where you allies lie and you will indeed do the right thing, for you and the little boy.

caseysmom
05-16-2012, 02:49 AM
he certainly sounds like he has control issues, i would ignore him, it is not fair of him to have an instant dislike for the little boy, very immature of him.

I think you know deep in your heart where you allies lie and you will indeed do the right thing, for you and the little boy.

My husband is saying we should just ignore him, I will do my best not to invite them anymore...problem is I will hold it in then blow up at him...

carole
05-16-2012, 02:51 AM
you know on second thoughts ,i think maybe you should approach him and have it out with him, maybe that is what is needed and he will stop, he might not even be aware that you feel or think this way, it may well be that it needs to be pointed out to him, and he might get a reality check and realise what he is actually doing, i am glad the little boy seems to be unware of it,i hope it stays that way, as it certainly is not good for him, he sounds like he is being picked on by your BIL and for no real reason what so ever, good luck.

moosmom
05-16-2012, 06:40 AM
Caseysmom.

I was not referring to your kids. It is simply MY opinion on what I have observed over the years.

moosmom
05-16-2012, 06:51 AM
EXAMPLE:

When I was married, friends of ours came to visit with their two undisciplined. The youngest sat on MY coffee table and began "dusting" it with her butt leaving little scratches on it, all the while the parents were oblivious. After watching this kid wreak havoc in my living room, I finally spoke up and told the kid to knock it off. Our friends were a little surprized. But it was MY house and MY stuff and if the parents weren't going to discipline their kid, then I was going to step in. Oh and this "sweet" (not) child also kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant with my daughter.

caseysmom
05-16-2012, 10:34 AM
EXAMPLE:

When I was married, friends of ours came to visit with their two undisciplined. The youngest sat on MY coffee table and began "dusting" it with her butt leaving little scratches on it, all the while the parents were oblivious. After watching this kid wreak havoc in my living room, I finally spoke up and told the kid to knock it off. Our friends were a little surprized. But it was MY house and MY stuff and if the parents weren't going to discipline their kid, then I was going to step in. Oh and this "sweet" (not) child also kicked me in the stomach when I was pregnant with my daughter.

And that all reflects bad parenting not bad children.

Cataholic
05-16-2012, 10:59 AM
A child that is able to kick a pregnant woman in the stomach (and yes, I do realize Donna you are not ten feet tall :)), is not 3. At 7.5, and VERY tall for his age, I am not sure J could kick me in the stomach. But, anyhow, a child kicking someone is so far off of a 3 year old putting his/her finger in a frosted cake.

None of this is to say the adult wouldn't say to little child, "oh, honey, please don't do that. It isn't polite/germy/inappropriate/whatever". It is a learning process. No one wakes up with perfect children- as how many of us are perfect adults? It is a learning, and sometimes a long one, process. Some children are easy as pie to bring up right. Some need lots of opportunities to get it right. And, I know some adults that STILL act oddly.

At the end of it all...it was a family gathering, a 3 year old and a birthday cake, now tainted. I guess I should consider myself overly fortunate if this is all I ever run into in my day to day living.

carole
05-16-2012, 02:49 PM
I am with you on this one cataholic, to me it is normal for a kid to maybe do that, does not mean they are a brat, just curious, gosh what a sin NOT, as long as the parent corrects the child for their behaviour, and they should, not a big deal at all.

popcornbird
05-25-2012, 01:14 AM
To those of you who say you are 'old fashioned'...come on. After having lived your entire lives, raised children and perhaps have grand kids, you should know better than the younger crowd of how 3 is really, not much bigger than a baby.

3 is so young that none of us really remember being that age. We may have some random memories, but nobody TRULY remembers being 3. My little boy is 2. He is precious, very well behaved, and a joy to be around. At the same time, he is 2. I still see him as a baby. He still looks like a baby. I just weaned him a few months ago, and although he is pretty much potty trained, he still has the occasional accident. He is 2. If he were to act out in a public place, or at the home of an aquaintance, I would correct him. In reality, he is shy and won't misbehave around people he doesn't know well. At home, the rules are more lax. If he were to dip his fingers in frosting at home, I would smile. He will only be this little once. My brother adores him and there is no way he would get offended if my child were to dip his fingers in cake at his house. Kids should feel at home when visiting family.

3 is not much bigger than a baby. You cannot expect an innocent young child to act like an adult. Its just not going to happen.

I really feel the BIL is out of line, and if I were you, I'd say something to him. I don't like it when people speak about children in a negative way, especially when a child is so young. Children learn when they are loved and made to feel special. Kids like to please, and when they know you love them, they try hard to please you. Harshness teaches them nothing other than fear. A huge misconception is that kids of the past were more respectful. That is not true. They did not respect their elders. They feared their elders. There is a big difference. Respectful people behave in the same manner around everyone. Fearful children 'act' respectful in front of adults they fear, and will be disrespectful as soo as your back is turned, guaranteed.

pomtzu
05-25-2012, 05:38 AM
We all have our own opinions, that's what makes everyone different and unique! What a boring world this would be if we were all alike. :p

carole
05-25-2012, 06:00 AM
PCB what a wise head on your shoulders for one so young, well young in comparison to me that is lol, i agree so much with what you have said.

it is just like when i see a parent struggling with a child having a temper tantrum in public, i just never take much notice ,or i give them a look that lets them know i understand, been there , done that, and yes nothing worse than those judgemental looks of disapproval..

mrspunkysmom
05-25-2012, 06:59 AM
To those of you who say you are 'old fashioned'...come on. After having lived your entire lives, raised children and perhaps have grand kids, you should know better than the younger crowd of how 3 is really, not much bigger than a baby.

..........

A huge misconception is that kids of the past were more respectful. That is not true. They did not respect their elders. They feared their elders. There is a big difference. Respectful people behave in the same manner around everyone. Fearful children 'act' respectful in front of adults they fear, and will be disrespectful as soon as your back is turned, guaranteed.

So true Popcorn. I see this everyday at school with teachers and the children with their parents. The will be respectful for those they fear and extremely disrespectful for those they do not.

Each child is different as we are all different. Parents have to modify how they handle children from child to child.

Popcorn, I'm wishing good luck with this dilemma.

pomtzu
05-25-2012, 07:38 AM
Kids like to please, and when they know you love them, they try hard to please you. Harshness teaches them nothing other than fear. A huge misconception is that kids of the past were more respectful. That is not true. They did not respect their elders. They feared their elders. There is a big difference. Respectful people behave in the same manner around everyone. Fearful children 'act' respectful in front of adults they fear, and will be disrespectful as soo as your back is turned, guaranteed.

Of course kids like to please, but they don't have to be threatened or beaten into submission. A child, no matter how young, can be taught in a positive way about manners and respect, and they will love, not fear. I did not fear my parents, my children did not fear me, and my grandkids do not fear their parents (my children). I never took my kids anywhere and feared they would act up like little monsters or spoiled brats - whether it be to a public place, or to a friend's or relative's house. I'm not saying that they couldn't be ornery and try my patience by doing things that they knew they shouldn't, but they also knew how far they could go in testing me. And as I said before - children are never too young to be taught manners and respect, and you don't have to be a drill sergeant or carry a whip to do so.

Alysser
05-25-2012, 09:29 AM
This is coming MORE from the 3 year olds POV to be honest. I have very little experience with kids other than having a job working with them for 3 years as a costume character. Being 19, I don't have a kid. :p I am not claiming to be an all-knowing expert in child rearing because that is CERTAINLY not the case, heck I have never even babysat before, but I do have a more "up to date" insight on being a kid I guess.

I do get annoyed when people say my generation is disrespectful, rude and spoiled. Frankly, not all of us are, obviously. Now, I know a bunch of jerks my age, who curse at their parents, yell at them, etc. My co-worker being a perfect example. His mom works at my job to and he gets away with what I consider murder. I have never seen a more disrespectful kid. His mom just sits there a takes it, so I assume that it is partially her fault. My other co-workers and I were stunned when we first saw him acting out like this. NEVER in my life would I think of cursing at my mom. Sure, we do fight, but that's normal. But I would never curse at her or disrespect her. I don't fear her, my parents have never been abusive. They are my parents, why would I disrespect them? Most of my friends are the same way.

Like someone said, I really don't remember being 3. But I do know, we never really misbehaved in public as children. We as in - me, my brother and my sister. I am sure there is the occasional tantrum. That also went for other people's homes. Actually, as a kid I cannot even begin to imagine wreaking havoc in someone else's home. But having been around kids for a certain amount of time I do know there is a big difference between a 3 year old acting out and a 7 year old acting out. I was a costume character. Kids were often pulling on us and things like that. I found it fine when a three year old tried to move my head around (as a costume character), they are little and curious. A 7 year old doing it, normally I was okay with if they were gentle. Some of them were, but most weren't. I was once kicked by a 7/8 year old because as his mother said I was scaring him. He was scared a minute before when he was pulling my tail.:rolleyes: What is the point of that story? Well really, a 7/8 year old should know better than to KICK someone. I've had even older kids kick, hit me, and where they find that appropriate I will never know. Many parents get mad at the kid, but some don't. That is where you have the problem. MANY of the 3 year olds were corrected, some even apologized, which was adorable. But really, I'm not mad at them, they are babies and really don't know better yet.

My point being, pretty much the same as PCB, especially the last paragraph. That being said, I've met beyond NASTY adults that weren't just having a bad day. Bad parenting is in every generation, like it or not. Maybe this generation is a bit dumber but bad parenting is always in the cards. I was taught to respect my elders, so long as they respected me. I don't take crap from someone just 'cause their older. If someone is respectful of you, there is no reason to be nasty back, but some just are.

As for the issue at hand, I can't give much advice. Like I said, I agree with PCB.

caseysmom
05-25-2012, 12:49 PM
I don't think my nephew thinks of my house as going to someone else's house, we are pretty close he is here pretty often I have just decided to try not to invite them altogether here but I have no doubt my bil will be rude with my grandkids when they are at that age too but my daughter will probably have something to say about it. I do think my sil misses some teaching opportunities that my daughter may not, my daughter is upset because they give my nephew pepsi in his sippy cup so there is a bit of excessive leniancy on their part.

Cataholic
05-25-2012, 07:30 PM
On the pop in the sippy cup issue, unless you are giving it to the child all the time, carbonated beverages have about the same amount of badness as juice, chocolate milk, or those sippy pouches. Too much sugar. Ugh.

We dont drink pop, I never have it in the house, just not our thing. But most liquids are sugary calories with minimal benefits.