More dating advice please...

[Alysser]

I met this guy through a mutual friend about a week and a half ago.

We DID hit it off initially, but while we were texting over the past week I didn't really feel anything for him, ya know, a connection. I gave him a chance and we went out on the first date on Friday. I had initially planned on telling him this but I had a good time so I decided to give him a second chance.

He's a really nice guy. He is very genuine. He wants to be a cop, which my Dad likes. He likes alot of the same things I do. Some things about him annoy me though. For one, he is afraid of dogs..which I don't understand. I don't get the fear, but apparently he's coming around on that. Another thing is, he compliments me alot and I find it awkward..which I guess is normal, but it's not something I like too much. I am just used to the jerks who tell you what you want to hear and for someone to actually like me and saying stuff like that is sort of new to me. He also tells me when to go to bed..like he'll text me "go to sleep it's late.." or something. I don't know why that irks me so much, but it really does. He isn't controlling, I am a good reader of people, but it's a little annoying. I don't like people doing things for me when I can do them myself and I'm really independent so maybe this is all just new to me.

My question is, when should I stop this if I don't feel a connection when he clearly does?? I told him I didn't want to rush things and I wasn't sure this was going to even happen and he agreed. But it's clear to me he really likes me...according to my friend he REALLY does. I don't want to lead him on though. I was thinking of waiting till after the second date but maybe something will develope? I can't date someone who I don't have feelings for...ugh.

Then again, I think I could have an irrational fear of commitment. I don't talk to many guys. I haven't had a real BF, a few flings, but nothing real and I don't trust them...so I really don't know what it is and I could use any advice pertaining to this if you have it. Thanks.

[Roxyluvsme13]

If you think you have commitment issues, then I'd talk through those with the guy. And if something he does annoys you, tell him! I think you need to give it at least a second date to see if there is a connection, and see where things go. If you're really not feeling anything by then or he's not doing anything to wow you, then I might say the second date is the end.

[Cataholic]

Did I read this right, a week and a half? If so, please, slow it all down, and just take it day by day. Some of the things you say sound like nervousness (complimenting all the time, telling you to go to bed (when he prolly just wants to get off the phone and doesn't know a polite way to say it), and that resolves itself.

Just go out on dates and have fun. Try not to live on the texting/phone all the time.

[Karen]

Just talk to him. Tell him the things that bug you, just say "remember, I am a big girl, I don't need reminders when to go to bed! I know you aren't doing it on purpose, but that freaks me out a little." He may have been in a prior relationship with someone more clingy, and needs to know you are uncomfortable with it. Don't make a big deal out of it - every relationship, good or bad, needs an adjustment period, when you are getting to know each other. Just talk to him, he is a fellow human being, okay?

[sparks19]

Just talk to him. Tell him the things that bug you, just say "remember, I am a big girl, I don't need reminders when to go to bed! I know you aren't doing it on purpose, but that freaks me out a little." He may have been in a prior relationship with someone more clingy, and needs to know you are uncomfortable with it. Don't make a big deal out of it - every relationship, good or bad, needs an adjustment period, when you are getting to know each other. Just talk to him, he is a fellow human being, okay?

this.

and I agree with cataholic too.

it's been a week and a half since you've known him. why WOULD you feel a connection already? you don't KNOW him.

I say go on the second date (unless you really just don't want to) and talk about each others likes and dislikes in relationships and life in general. Be honest with him but not hurtful (not that you would be hurtful). A second date isn't a commitment to marriage or anything so why not? But be honest with him about your intentions. don't lead him on. don't make it seem like you have the same feelings he does, tell him how you feel about the whole thing and then go from there.

[carole]

I am thinking if there are things that annoy you now, imagine how much more annoying they will be in time, if you stay together, maybe you should give him a chance, but honestly if i didn't feel any connection, i don't think i would continue to see him, not really fair on him, but then again feelings can develop , only you and YOU alone know how you really feel, is he worth the time, to get to know him properly, or is it kinder and better for you both to just not continue seeing each other, things to ponder on.

P.s depends on what you mean by a connection, i took it as to be attraction, i mean if you don't feel any attraction, then probably not worth pursuing a relationship...

[Nomilynn]

When you know, you know. Only you can really answer these questions for yourself. The guy I'm dating now, we've been together for 5 months. When we first started dating, I really wasn't sure, but he is a really nice guy so I was just honest with him. I told him straight out, I think you are a nice guy and I really like hanging out with you and talking to you, but I'm not sure if I'm really into you yet. He really liked me, so he was willing to be patient. We kept the lines of communication open the whole time, checked in with each other and made sure we knew how each other was feeling. After seeing each other for a couple months, we were able to have a more serious conversation about commitment.

I'm still pretty freaked out about commitment in general, and he's totally ok with it. He even said to me, I get that I'm more into you than you are at me, and for now, I'm ok with that. Basically, the whole point I'm trying to make, is keep talking to him and in time you will know what you need and want to do.

[k9krazee]

One problem I had when I was dating was that I was looking to the future all the time. I remember one first date that I was on and we were talking about where we saw ourselves in ten years. I was kind of offended when his 10 year plan didn't include me...until later I realized that it'd be really weird if it did since we had just met.

You have to remember to live IN the moment and not FOR the moment. Just take it one day at a time. Go on another date. Have fun and if it doesn't lead to anything, no sweat.

When I first met Rich 4.5 years ago I didn't really like him. I was planning a weekend trip with some friends, met Rich and asked him to come with us because he seemed fun enough. I didn't want a relationship, I was terrified of dating and everything that that entails, I didn't want to get close to somebody. We hung out that weekend and continued hanging out pretty regularly. He was waaaaay more into me than I was him, and my friends were telling me if I didn't have any feelings for him I should tell him and we should stop. If you would have told me we'd still be going strong 4.5 years later I would have thought you were crazy. He was exactly the type of person I was trying to avoid - but now I couldn't imagine being with anybody else. It just took me a little longer to realize that.

I'd say go on another date or three, enjoy life, take is slowly and see what happens.

[beeniesmom]

Just take it easy and have fun! No need for comittment after a week and a half!

[Sowa]

Maybe give it time and see. I really believe you will normally find something your SO does that's annoying, but you learn to live with it. I'm sure I do things my BF finds annoying too. I love to be with him so the annoying stuff isn't really that bad. I agree with just taking it slow and having fun. If it doesn't go anywhere, then you will find the right guy later on :)

[Karen]

And most important of all - don't stress about it! (I know, easier said than done.) Just relax and enjoy yourself right now. there's no rule saying every relationship has to be "the one forever!"! And if nothing else, you will have improved his life from this point on by convincing him dogs can be a good thing!

[Queen of Poop]

Boys, unlike our wonderful canine friends are not cute/fuzzy with soft, loving eyes so making the "connection" is much more difficult. Date him for a while and see what develops, you're young, there is no rush here, just enjoy getting to know him.

[Alysser]

Thanks guys!!

I really do appreciate all this advice. You guys are great. I had such a hard time talking to my mom about this, she thinks I need to end it and I just want a BF but to be honest I am terrified of the idea.

I've decided to take it real slow and I told him that. He understands completely. :D I actually talked to him yesterday about the bed thing. He completely understood and he was so worried I thought of him as controlling. I never did, but he just cares I guess. This whole experience is new to me.

A lot of these stories reassured to me to. It's not that I didn't have an attraction to him, because I did have a small one and still do. I'm just not sure he's my type, but we do have a lot in common and he is very open to new things, as am I.

Ash, you sound like me to a T. :rolleyes: Literally that is my story...so who knows what can happen..I will just have to see. I'll cross the bridges as I come to them. I don't feel bad about leading him on because I did tell him that this might not work, and I will be insistent about that. Like many of you said, when you know, you'll know the decision you have to make.

Thanks again guys :)