Elder Abuse?

[NoahsMommy]

I know this is totally off subject...but this has been bothering me for quite awhile and I wanted to know if anyone had some advice on the subject.

I know someone who cares for her 90-something mother. I constantly hear her saying unkind things about her. When she is on the phone with the day-time caretaker (family member) they constanly are laughing (meanly) at what stupid thing the mother did that day. They are always complaining about her actions, needs, etc. Her mother has dementia so badly that she is on anti-psychotic drugs. Now, it's to the point of abuse, I feel. She needs to be in a facility where the mother-daughter line isn't crossed and she wont be given a hostile attitude when she needs help.

What can I do? The person knows her mother needs to be in a home, but makes excuses as to why she's not in one. :(

[mugsy]

So, it's ok to abuse her mother, but not put her in a nursing home where she would get the around the clock help that she needs and get her off the hook of taking care of her?? I don't get it.

I have an 84 year old father that is in poor health, but he means the world to me....I hate stupid people!

[NoahsMommy]

Thank you!!! It bothers me so much!! My opinion would be that she'd have nothing in her life to complain about if she put her mother in a home...it's horrible. :mad:

[momoffuzzyfaces]

Sadly, sometimes it's a money issue as to why a person is not put in a nursing home. If the mother was put in a nursing home, her entire Social Security check would go to the home for her care. Some families aren't willing to give up that money. The daughter probably controls the money now and gets to keep most of it because she is 'paying' her mother's expenses as caregiver.:(

[Edwina's Secretary]

There is a public guardian whose job it is to handle situations like this. Look under city (or county) services for the name of your Public Guardian office. There may be a contact specifically for elder abuse. You can call a hotline and make an anonymous request for investigation. If you know the name of the mother's doctor to pass on the hotline that would be helpful.

Be prepared to be specific examplesof the behavior you have heard/observed so they know it is not just the caregivers blowing off the INCREDIBLE stress of taking care of an elderly parent with dementia.

[Karen]

Is there a clergy person for the family you could talk to about this?

[Cataholic]

ES is right on the money. In Ohio, we have ombudsmen, and they work in a similar way. Also, most larger counties have aging agencies. I think a quick search on the web would reveal something helpful.

You are in an awkward place, though, aren't you? I would imagine you don't want to jeopardize a friendship, and may not want to overstep your boundaries. Maybe there is another independent person you could talk to? What about another sibling? If all else fails, you can place an anynomous (I can't spell tonight) call to the public agecny that deals with the aging.

Good luck.

[NoahsMommy]

Thanks for the advice...I found the contact information for the local ombudsmen and am considering calling.

I am just worried that she'll find out it was me. I don't know of anyone else that would know the details besides someone that she works with (there are just a few of us). I know I need to do the right thing...

[toughCookie]

the call could come from someone that the other lady has told, the one that she is laughing on the phone with, maybe she will think someone that knows HER made the call...did that make sense? I think thats terrible that she is mean to her...but it is also hard caring for the elderly. they need someone very patient and caring. and alot of "homes" don't have the best of caregivers working there, but I still think you should call someone if you think she is being treated mean. were they really being cruel to her and about her? I mean, if she cares for her mother, it can be hard work and maybe she needs to vent?

[sammi]

Ombudsmen, is the right person to contact and they can advice you. ( I doubt very much your name would be brought up at all) If they are just laughing and joking about what "the person" did ect. that may not be abuse if they are not doing it in front of her ect. This can sometimes be a big problem with caregivers and they need a break or to get out of the situation. Sometimes what is being said might just seem like abuse as they are making light of it. but - no way should they be talking about her in that way and whats worse is other people hearing it. You can imagine how we would feel.
Maybe the mother has stated she does not want to go into a nursing home and the family feels guilty if they do. (my mom tried that with me b/4 she got so ill and when she was very ill and very mixed up - she would still yell at me " Don't ever put me in one of those homes or I'll.........") LOL Anyway I would sure go ahead and call maybe they need someone to intervine.