What to do about a crazy inlaw?

[catnapper]

I am seriously ready to unleash a huge can off Whoop on my sister in law. She is seriously crazy. Seriously. We all know it and work around it. Her mental status helps me keep a little patience, but there are times I want to shake her and tell her to stay out of our lives!

She buys the kids affections - they're all adults now, but they haven't quite figured out that Cindy's "gifts" are anything but. She'll give expensive gifts, and then hold it over the recipients' head. She basically bankrolled my son for the past 3 years while he lived jobless. It took him til this year to realize the strings attached to the bankroll were actually strangling him. We repeatedly told her to stop giving him rent and gas money but she continued.... because she wanted him to be tied to her. She single-handedly held him back from growing up and learning how to be an adult on his own. He's 24 years old and still has never held a job for more than 3 months. Why should he when Cindy will give him all the money he wants? She was giving him THOUSANDS every month (she is well off)

Now, she's manipulating Ashley. She bought Ashley's wedding dress. Nice gift, right? Sure! But now because she bought the dress, she thinks she can dictate everything about the wedding. One good thing about Ashley is she has her own mind and will do what she wants and how she wants. BUT Cindy's got her convinced that she HAS to invite her mom to the wedding. My husband is as mad as I've ever seen him. His ex-wife has not seen Ash is over 10 years. Not sent any cards nor gifts. No calls. No contact. And now Cindy thinks its "the right thing to do". How is it right? The woman ABANDONED Ashley and her siblings almost 20 years ago. She pretended to see them for a few years, but decided not to bother over 10 years ago.

Ashley has told us over the years she has no interest in her mom. My son has been in contact with his mother, but Ashley has made it known she disagrees with his interest in mommy dearest. But Ashley is relenting on the wedding invitation because Cindy is guilting her. I'm ready to just write a check for the dress and give it to Cindy and tell her to get out of my life! Who cares if I miss this month's mortgae? It'll be worth it to get Cindy gone! Ugh!

Ok, I feel much better now that I got that off my chest.

[moosmom]

Boy, and I thought I had problems cuz I haven't picked out a MOB dress.

Tell the biatch thank you very much, but this is Ashley's day and what Ashley wants, she gets. Just because this @$$hat opens her checkbook does NOT mean it gives her the right to dictate how this wedding will play out.

My brother (my only living sibling) hasn't seen my daughter since she was 10. She's now 34. My daughter made it VERY clear that he hasn't bothered with her (same scenario, no phone call, no card, NOTHING) in so long, she told me flat out that he is NOT welcome and will NOT be getting an invitation. It bothered me a little bit, but it's her wedding. She has allowed me to have a table full of my close friends and their sig others. That's all the family I need!!! They've been there for me through thick and thin. My best friend Susie will be there, and her daughter is in the wedding party.

I hope Ashley can see through this facade and tell that whackadoodle to close her checkbook and GET OUT!!!!!

I say let her pay for everything and NOT invite her. That'll serve her right!!:p

[catnapper]

Thanks Donna. You should have seen Ashley's fiance's reaction.... explosion! I knew I adored this boy! He even came into my work to day to talk about it! :eek: He is furious with cindy and said there's absolutely NO WAY Ashley's mom is invited.

[sana]

EEssshh!!!! I am so angry, even reading this makes me angry! :mad::mad: I am already in a bad mood, you s-i-l (sis in law and sickheaded in law is better :mad:) Can't she keep her thoughts to herself, tell Ashley that, if she doesn't care about her mom, then why invite her, try telling her that it will anger her father and that it is better she spends a good time at her wedding instead of worrying about what her ex-mom could say or do something to her, she could disturb her by saying somethings she could get upset about, she could do something like, if the ex-mom got angry, if she saw Ash's dad, or remembered the past, she could go over and do something bad to Ashley, like maybe spoil her dress, or embarrass her. Ashley could get upset about the wedding day if ex-momma did something bad, if Ashley thinks she'll do nothing wrong, tell her not to keep her hopes high about the wedding day then, it can turn out topsy-turvy, it could make you angry too, try convincing her about NOT calling her. About you son...I can't say anything, because what I'd do, would not be expected to be done by other moms. :p I'd fry him up and eat him! :mad::p I'd explain him what he should do like stay away from these type of people and if he doesn't, I'd officially, and tell everybody in my family in front of him, that I do NOT accept him as my son and that he should find his own living and that he does not belong to me. He'd probably come back and say sorry,:p it isn't common in my family that children go away from home after becoming old, they live with their mom and dads even after the marriage. The in laws are usually very nice. This usually happens where I live. The children usually respect and obey their parents.

[moosmom]

Kim,

I'm glad he saw through this. Hopefully he'll put his foot down and Ashley will listen to him.

[Laura's Babies]

So many people use money to control other people... It is a control issue with that SIL.. NOTHING is free....everything has a price tage attached... even "free money"...

[NicoleLJ]

This is how Dougs mom is. She will do one thing for him in a year or two and even after he pays her back 3 times over it is still held over his head. Owe Me types drive me nuts. I really don't have much advice other then for you to put up healthy boundaries and teach your children that when some one gives them a gift(unless stated as a loan, or a contract to be paid back) that they owe that person nothing. A gift is suppose to have no strings attached. Also explain to them about boundaries and Owe Me types. That no matter what they do they will never be done oweing them in that persons mind.

This is her day to be celebrated with the people who have supported her in getting to this point in life. That simple.

I can see why you would rather have the SIL out of your life. Since we changed our number and stopped going to darts(so no more contact) we finally have no more drama going on. We haven't smiled or laughed this much in a long time. I pray that you can get to the same kind of peace concerning her.

[Husky_mom]

while it´s pretty maddening.. I bet Ashley n fiancée will manage accordingly.. by NOT listening to her.. what a nutjob..

[Taz_Zoee]

My father is the type to hold things over our heads when we were growing up. I stopped that when I went out and bought a car all on my own. He was mad at me for not asking him for help. Nope, this is MY car.
He's not as bad anymore, and I think it's because we don't let him get away with it. Plus the fact that all three kids hardly ever talk to him about anything unless we absolutely have to.
Maybe if people stop letting her get away with this she will ease up?? Then again, maybe not.

[Asiel]

All I can say is this is a wedding so choose your battles wisely. Things said or done on this occasion will be remembered forever and could lead to much unhappiness for many including the bride.

IMO since this is Ashley's wedding her decisions and choices should be respected and accepted with no ill feelings. I don't think it's her fiance's place to make important decisions that concern Ashley's feeling's, she's a mature woman who can think for herself and overiding her decisions could cause discord after the honeymoon is over.
If Ashley feels she wants to invite her biological mother to her wedding I would certainly respect that wish. Maybe she's always had a yearning for her mother but pretended she didn't care because she felt rejected, after thinking it over she might have decided it would make her wedding complete to have her mother attend. It's never too late to mend bridges.

As for Cindy, what she wants to do with her money is entirely up to her. The kids are all old enough to say NO if they don't want to accept a gift or money from her. If they feel pressured into owing then they are free to refuse any gift and walk away. After all, nobody can take advantage of anyone unless you let them. Sounds like the son is more than willing to take without guilty feelings since he is making no effort to stand on his own two feet.

This is Ashley's big day , I think everyone owes it to her to see that her dream wedding doesn't dissolve into a battlefield with casualties strewn all over, stuff like that is never forgotten and can only serve to make for an unpleasant day. Remember that when you throw mud it has a way of flying back in your face.
Pettiness and ill feelings have no place at a wedding .

[pomtzu]

Hmmm - well I was going to keep my mouth shut (for a change) on this one, but I see that Asiel has the guts to speak up with an opposing opinion, so guess I will too. Maybe it's that she and I are truly among the older folks here, and have had a chance to mellow more in our old age, and view things somewhat differently than the "less senior" folks. So for what it's worth - here goes.

I don't agree with what Cindy is doing - "buying" the kids, but they are adults and should surely be able to put an end to this. They just continue to enable Cindy to do what she's doing. How difficult is it to say "no thank you"? It seems the time is long overdue for both kids to do just that.

As far as Ashley wanting to invite her mother to the wedding - she absolutely should - and yes it is the right thing to do. This is her mother, in spite of the fact that they've really had no relationship for many years. Maybe with Ashley extending the olive branch, it will open up possibilities for future contact. Then again - maybe not.

When my son and DIL were planning their wedding (2nd for both) several years ago, the same thing was an issue with DIL. Her biological parents divorced and it was decided that she and her brother would live with the father and his new wife, since mother and new husband who was in the Air Force, would be relocating rather frequently, and they all wanted "roots" for the kids. Well it seems that father's new wife was really an evil stepmother - very hateful and domineering - everything for her kids and nothing for his - and he was "kitty" whipped and just went along with whatever she said and did. My DIL absolutely despised this woman, and in turn, came to feel deep resentment toward her father. Once she finished school, she moved out on her own, just to get out of the hostile environment she had lived in for many years, and severed all ties with them.

Fast forward to the wedding plans. DIL in no way wanted her father and stepmother at the wedding - she was adamant about it. I had my own view, but said nothing. It was DIL's own mother, that after much discussion, finally convinced her to invite father and stepmother - as yes - it was the right thing to do - in spite of the hurt and hostility that DIL harbored. She finally relented and said she would invite them to the wedding, but not the reception, and again, her mother convinced her to invite them to both. So the invitation went out, and DIL fully expected that they would be a no-show. Well - they showed. Everything went well and everyone was cordial and pleasant to one another, and the whole day was enjoyable for everyone. Everyone was able to put aside their differences for a few hours, and DIL can now never perhaps regret that she left her father out of a very important day in her life, in spite of the treatment she received while growing up with them.

So did this open up avenues of reconciliation??? - unfortunately not. There was some interaction between them, but for a very short time before it all broke down again. But............DIL tried her best at her mother's urging and not sorry that she did. Stepmother didn't want her in any way to be back as part of "her" family, so that put a final end to it all. Maybe some day DIL's father will realize just how much he has lost.

So in my opinion, Ashley should not let this opportunity to perhaps reunite with her mother, pass her by.

[catnapper]

Ashley most definitely does not want her mother there. She wants nothing to do with the woman who adbandoned her. Trust me, Ashley speaks her mind better than anyone I know. I know she has no intent on ever speaking to her mom ever again. She is also ticked that Cindy expects her to invite the "incubation unit"

I also am well aware that their wedding is THEIR wedding. We're prepared to sit back and help only when asked for help, and speak only when asked for an opinion. Hubby was asked to help with the photographer, and I'm in charge of the centerpieces (oh the power --- bwahahahaha!)

Cindy is trying to convince Ash that Mommy Dearest (MD for short) NEEDS to be invited. I have no idea why, and hubby feels like he was just sucker punched. This is so typical of a Cindy Power Play. Cindy gets these ideas in her head and she dopes whatever she needs to do in order to get what she wants. Take for example, Cindy claimed MD NEEDED to be here when hubby's mom died 10 years ago. She PAID MD to come and be at hubby's mom's side as she passed (the women hadn't seen each other for 10 years, and mother in law hated MD for what she did to hubby and the kids) Hubby never got to see his mom on the last two days she lived, because he didn't want to come across MD at such an emotionally charged time. Even when MD was in town to see her ex mother-in-law's final days, she still had no interest in Ash. She was IN TOWN, and never called to see the girls (though she did ask for my step son)

Cindy's not happy unless she's manipulating someone somehow. Since my son is no longer under her control, she's trying to play with Ash. She knows better than to play with the youngest because she never accepts any gifts. Smart kid.

I have to say, I am well aware the kids are all grown and need to say no thank you to her gifts. I myself find it hard to say it to her. She's crazy. Litterally, clinically, should-be-hospitalized-crazy. She has more suicide attempts than anyone I know. Nobody denies her gifts for fear that their denial will be the reason she attempts another suicide. Sad but true.

[Karen]

It is sad situation, but I am glad that Ashley and her fiance are standing their ground.

[caseysmom]

Well it sounds like she wouldn't come anyway.

[Asiel]

Quote------Hmmm - well I was going to keep my mouth shut (for a change) on this one, but I see that Asiel has the guts to speak up with an opposing opinion, so guess I will too. Maybe it's that she and I are truly among the older folks here, and have had a chance to mellow more in our old age, and view things somewhat differently than the "less senior" folks. So for what it's worth - here goes.--Quote------


Am I imagining things or am I being called old here ? We'll be considered old only after we reach the halfway mark POM :D

[Marigold2]

Most families have someone in their life that causes pain. I know I do and what I have done is to just cut ties. The back and forth the crazyness is just too harmful to me and I stopped seeing this person 15 years ago.
They have their own demons for sure, something happened to them in their life to make them this way, many things in fact.
But there comes a time when you have to move away to save yourself and I did that.
Not having the love and support of a parent is always tough and extremely painful BUT having a parent continue to do harm to you and your family is worst.
Wishing you the best of luck. Enjoy the wedding and look to the future not the past.

[catnapper]

Oh dear - Cindy now has bought MY dress for the wedding. She's called me three times to tell me she picked one up for me from Ross. I am way scared to see what this thing looks like. Just because its my size doesn't mean it fits or looks good. and who knows what size I'll be in a year? I wonder what she wants from me?

Oh wait, I know what she wants..... she asked if she could move in with us. Can you say "HE!! NO!"????

[Husky_mom]

hahahahaha.. move in with you?.. yeah right.. like if that´ll ever happen..

what a wacko.. lol..

[Laura's Babies]

I would be insulted that she decided to take the fun of me picking out my OWN dress and tell her "Take it back to the store, I want to pick out my OWN dress and I already have my eyes on several that I just LOVE!"..

Sounds like she wants to own that whole wedding...

[NicoleLJ]

Oh dear - Cindy now has bought MY dress for the wedding. She's called me three times to tell me she picked one up for me from Ross. I am way scared to see what this thing looks like. Just because its my size doesn't mean it fits or looks good. and who knows what size I'll be in a year? I wonder what she wants from me?

Oh wait, I know what she wants..... she asked if she could move in with us. Can you say "HE!! NO!"????

We made that mistake with Doug's mom defiantely stick to that He!! No aditude. It was hell getting her out of the house and getting her to leave us alone finally.

I would just tell her to take it back. That I want to pick my own dress. Very simple.

[catnapper]

I would be insulted that she decided to take the fun of me picking out my OWN dress and tell her "Take it back to the store, I want to pick out my OWN dress and I already have my eyes on several that I just LOVE!"..

Sounds like she wants to own that whole wedding...

Cindy doesn't realize that she's taking the fun out of anything. She thinks she's helping. She wants desperately to be part of something. But unfortunately, she can't just be part of it, she has to control it. I think she thinks if she's controling it, then they won't leave her on the sidelines.

True story of my wedding. I met her for the first time that day. She never met my family either. The wedding was at my parents' house and my mom was running things quite smoothly. Cindy came in like a whirlwind. She took it upon herself ot seat everybody (isn't that what the ushers were for?) and she changed the music the girls walked down the aisle to. Mom wanted the buffet line to start at one end of the table, Cindy decided to start it at the other... which was chaos because the silverware was on the wrong end and people where bumping into each other trying to get a place setting. She was supposed to be our wedding photographer, but because she was taking over the wedding before I even knew what happening, she completely forgot to take pictures. We'd like to blame the choas of our wedding on the raging hurricane-like rain, but it really was Cindy.

Back to the dress.... how will I tell her I don't want it? I already said I am awful at refusing her gifts. I got a oak trophy shelf with laser-engraved Major League Baseball logos on it last month. Me... no trophies and no interest in sports. But I got a trophy shelf! woohoo. Its still on the kitchen floor where she left it. I keep hoping one of the cats decides to spray it. No luck so far. :rolleyes:

[Cataholic]

However do you expect your children to stand up to Cindy when you, as an adult, can't do it?

[catnapper]

However do you expect your children to stand up to Cindy when you, as an adult, can't do it?

Because I am terrified my refusal to accept her gift would send her of the deep end. She attempts suicide on a yearly basis. She over-medicates. Under-medicates. Right now she is in the slurring words, forgetting everything mode. Which means she's currently over medicating. I once had a fight with her where her response was an attempted suicide. I would have never forgiven myself if she was successful (the fight was over me telling her to let the kids grow up on their own)

So I accept her gifts and kick myself for not telling her to leave us alone. Its like there's a big elephant in the room with us. My other sister in law thinks she needs to be in a mental hosptial. I agree.

Besides, the whole thread wasn't about getting the kids to stop accepting her gifts.... its about dealing with her insanity! I could completely write a book on the things she gives. She gave my son books for Christmas... they were his books that he'd left there one time. She gave him a Wii game system.... that she liberated from my house. It took us a few weeks to figure out where it went to, only discovered when hubby said something to son about how its gone and nothing else in the house is missing. Son started laughing and told us he got it for Christmas.

Son decided to not live with her, and told her he's not taking the job interview she set up for him. she called us screaming at us that we talked him out of the interview. Um, what interview? So then she called him every 5 minutes for 6 hours. SIX HOURS. He's finally seing what his aunt is really like. He is visitng us tonight and made us promise to not tell her he is here. He's fionally seeing the strings she's tied to him.

[pomtzu]

I'll be damned if I would be intimidated by a nut case, or afraid to stand up to her for fear that she might harm herself. She KNOWS that she has everyone walking on eggs - isn't that what she really wants??? Start saying no to her, start refusing gifts. If she tries to harm herself, then that's on her, and not on you or anyone else she drags in to her stupid games. It's not your fault if she does, and if she does, then it's just one more way she has of centering the attention on herself. The more you and others continue to play this game with her, the more she will do it. After all - why should she stop when it's all going the way she wants??? Stop being the enabler!!!!

I once had a distant relative threaten suicide if I revealed some damning information to the proper authorities. I told that person that if that's what they chose to do, then go right ahead, but don't try to lay any guilt trip on me! I sent the info to the authorities - and this person is still alive and never attempted suicide. This person now resides in a state prison serving a 40+ year sentence. Had said person actually committed suicide tho - I would not feel guilty in any way.

So is Cindy a criminal??? - in her own way - yes she is! Cut Cindy out of your life, and have your kids do the same. You will never be rid of her if you continue on like this - playing the game her way - and always letting her win.

[Pembroke_Corgi]

Is she getting any kind of help for her mental illness? Anyway to refer her to an agency to get her some help? I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds like she has some substance problems and what almost sounds like boderline personality disorder, especially if she threatens/attempts suicide. There are all kinds of resources out there, not just a mental hospital.

[catnapper]

Is she getting any kind of help for her mental illness? Anyway to refer her to an agency to get her some help? I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but it sounds like she has some substance problems and what almost sounds like boderline personality disorder, especially if she threatens/attempts suicide. There are all kinds of resources out there, not just a mental hospital.

Lets just say her medical care is a joke. We TRY to get her to real doctors that can help and she cancels her appointment. She is a special case indeed.

As for enabling, I am MUCH better than I used to be. She now thinks I'm "picky" because I tell her not to buy me anything when she says she saw something for me. I am just awful at denying the gifts she's already purchased. :(

[Medusa]

I also am well aware that their wedding is THEIR wedding. We're prepared to sit back and help only when asked for help, and speak only when asked for an opinion.

Thank you for saying that. As a mother of a son, I'm always dismayed when I hear someone say that this is the bride's day, as though the groom doesn't count a whit. Ashley is perfectly capable of making her own decisions as is her fiance'. Regarding the situation w/Cindy, I would ask myself "What is my payoff for putting up w/this?" There's got to be one; otherwise you wouldn't continue to allow it.

[Catty1]

I'm with pomtzu on this. Her suicide attempts help her get her way, and she knows it.

Maybe a wedding is not the time, but she has a choice in her actions. So do you.

What are the laws in your state on involuntary commitment for mental assessment?

Glad you are sitting back on this one. Hope after the wedding the family can make some decisions.

[pomtzu]

Try a different approach. The next time she wants to buy you or the kids something - tell her that you would just prefer a donation in your name to a favorite charity. Perhaps a Humane Society or rescue group, a church, a mental health facility!!! :eek::rolleyes::eek: If she does actually buy something and dump it on you, then just tell her you are going to auction it on eBay and donate the money to a charity. That way you aren't refusing anything and don't have to feel guilty or responsible for any of her actions.

[gini]

Regarding the situation w/Cindy, I would ask myself "What is my payoff for putting up w/this?" There's got to be one; otherwise you wouldn't continue to allow it.

Read this again - slowly - several times. Why? Because it is absolutely correct and true.

No one wants to be mean about your situation -but you have to decide if you just want to tell us about it - or do you really want to do something about it so you can stop all of the nonsense.

There are toxic people in life - and you need to get rid of yours!!
I wish you great good luck and success here. It isn't easy to walk on egg shells - so stop!!

[catnapper]

Hubby and I have a dinner date with my father in law next week. We're going to plan out what to do about Cindy and how to get her admitted to the psych ward. Whether we'll do an intervention or get her involuntarily admitted, we'll figure it all out next week.

[finn's mom]

Good luck with everything. I just read through some of the posts, and if anything does ever happen to her (ie suicide), no one but she can be to blame (and if she's as ill as it sounds, she's not altogether to blame, either). And, it really doesn't sound like she "knows" much of anything based in reality. I am not close with anyone who has a severe mental illness, but if someone is truly "crazy", many times they really have no clue that there's anything wrong or that they're controlling or manipulating. That has to be a maddening existence for her. :(

I'd pray for her and love her because she's a human being, but that's all I'd do. No eggshells, no accepting gifts, no nothing. Just a lot of prayer and a lot of love (and not even in an affectionate, showy way...just in a sort of energy/karmic/everyone's connected kind of way, if that makes any sense). Such a sad situation. :( Seriously, good luck! And, my only advice is to keep taking care of your own family, and do your best to not let her sickness poison you further.

[sana]

I'll be damned if I would be intimidated by a nut case, or afraid to stand up to her for fear that she might harm herself. She KNOWS that she has everyone walking on eggs - isn't that what she really wants??? Start saying no to her, start refusing gifts. If she tries to harm herself, then that's on her, and not on you or anyone else she drags in to her stupid games. It's not your fault if she does, and if she does, then it's just one more way she has of centering the attention on herself. The more you and others continue to play this game with her, the more she will do it. After all - why should she stop when it's all going the way she wants??? Stop being the enabler!!!!

So is Cindy a criminal??? - in her own way - yes she is! Cut Cindy out of your life, and have your kids do the same. You will never be rid of her if you continue on like this - playing the game her way - and always letting her win.

Well, here I guess I do agree with Pomtzu. She's correct. You need to stop letting her have the fun out of your life..If you don't tell her to stop now, its now or never. She's really gonna leave you in depression if you don't tell her to stop now.
As for when you reject gifts and she tries to kill herself...She isn't normal. I'm telling you this is not a normal behaviour, out of the sarcasm and anger, I'm telling the truth, she is NOT a normal human..! I'm going to turn 14 and even I can figure that out. Its clear and simple. Without her knowing, get an appointment from a good doctor that you know. She's probably trying to escape the reality. The truth about what really is going on with her, she knows it!

I'll tell you a small example. We once had a driver. He told us that he couldn't drive in the night and that he will only drive i the morning. In the mornings even, he would drive topsy turvy. Once there was a pile of bricks on the roadside and he crashed onto them, my cousin and mom were with him. My cousin even yelled there was a pile of bricks infront. But, it was too late. The car had a huge bend on the floor side and it was wrecked.
So, my parents thought the driver should probably get an eyesight check. When they went to the doctor, our driver ran away in the hospital iding here and there and finally he was caught. He knew the truth of what was wrong with him. When we got his eyesight check, he was nearly blind and later in time he couldn't see a THING!
So what I wanted to tell you was that Cindy probably knows the truth about her illness and doesn't want it to be revealed. I hope you got my message. You should either send her to a mental hospital or care for her at your home (which I say you don't) She is a special patient(not in a good sense) She isn't like a normal mental person. She needs a check up.

Sorry, about the long post. Hope didn't bore you, but my message was, she's not normal, I guess she wants to think she's a special and kind and generous person and so should help you all. Is she your husbands older or younger sister. If she's older, probably she wants to act as a motherly figure or try to rule over you all. If she's younger, she probably wants to act older and much caring...:rolleyes::rolleyes: