Just a little rant...

[moosmom]

I've been friends with my friend Susie since we were in jr. high school. She and I were both there for each other when our parents died, when my daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer. We can tell each other ANYTHING. We are like sisters.

However, there is one thing that kind of bothers me. I'll give you a little background so you know what I'm talking about.

Sue's Dad died about 20 years ago. He was found dead at their beach house. Her mom, who I was close to, died the same year my Dad did, 1979, only 4 months later.

Sue was an only child to a couple who were quite well off. Her Dad worked and retired from Pratt & Whitney. Her Mom worked and retired from The Travelers Insurance Company. They lived VERY comfortably. She has since inherited her parents fortunes which enabled her to get liposuction and tummy tuck, buy a new car, pay off her condo, contribute to her daughters wedding, helped pay for her daughters (she has 2) college educations and spend money (even SHE claims she's the cheapest person in CT) on things she'd normally say "I can't afford it". She travels all over the place too.

The one thing that she has YET to do, and THIS is what bothers me, is to put out $$$ for a headstone for her parents. That was MY first priority after my Dad died. It's been over 20 years since her Dad passed away.

I know, "Why should it bother me?" It just does. I mean if it weren't for her parents, she wouldn't HAVE the money she does. I would think that she'd want to honor her parents by putting a headstone on their graves!!:(

Is it me?

[Karen]

Have you asked her about it? Maybe it's not a matter of money, but emotional one, an issue of not wanting that final act to mean they are really truly irrevocably gone ...

[caseysmom]

I think there is something about everyone we know that could bug us if we think about it...give her the benefit of the doubt and enjoy her friendship.

And yes I would think she should buy them a headstone.

[robinh]

Interesting thread. I agree that she should buy a headstone.

My brother died in 1957 and there was never a headstone on his grave. My mother and then step-father at that time (mom married many times - 5 to be exact) put a poorly made concrete "thing" on it.

When the last of my stepfathers died in 2001 (a great guy by the way - can't figure how my mother managed to find him) and left me a little money, that was the first thing I did - buy my brother a headstone. I never knew my brother since he died at birth, but I thought he deserved that respect.

[Marigold2]

Funerals, headstones, flowers are all for the living the dead are dead.
Yes it would be nice for her children to maybe visit grandpa's grave and see the headstone but maybe they have never gone and never will.
One can honor a person's memory more by keeping their tradions alive and their kindness and good deeds alive. A headstone is something that the family might never see. But stories about grandpa's great chili recipe are priceless.
Each of us honors the ones we love in a different way.
My mom's entire family died in concentration camp. There is no headstone, no pictures, no knick knack, nothing yet the memory of their kindness and love my mom told me about lives on.
If you visit your parents grave often it will be important to you but to many people they never visit, they keep the memories alive in different ways.

[Freedom]

I like many of the answers:

- have you eve asked her?

- maybe it is an emotional thing (my Dad didn't have my Mum's name added to the family headstone for 10 years; in fact, I just went ahead and did it once he wasn't able to handle money anymore.)

- maybe her way of honoring the deceased differs from your ideas. Note that this does not make either of you "right," or "wrong."

[moosmom]

When I do mention it, she's says "One of these days we'll take a ride to the cemetery" (she's never been there since her Mom died). She SAYS she's been meaning to get a marker for them, but never seems to get around to buying one. It might just be her way of coping. I'm not sure.

When my Dad died 14 years ago, it bothered me SOOOO much that there was an "empty" spot where my Dad's name should've been. I immediately went out and bought a bronze marker with his name and dates on it. It gave me closure.

I might mention it to her again. Maybe in the Spring when the weather cooperates.

Thanks for letting me vent. ;)

[Pinot's Mom]

I don't know if your friend falls into the same category, but I hate cemeteries where a loved one is buried. My whole family hates them. It's an avoidance thing, we all know, but that's the way it is. I understand from whence your friend comes. If you asked I could pretty much guarantee she has stipulated to be cremated.

Give her space and understanding. It is indeed emotional.

[moosmom]

Pinot's Mom,

Oh, absolutely!! To each his own. I don't know what her "final" plans are, but we're so close, she is the executor of my estate (yeah, right...my VAST FORTUNE...NOT!!) and has a copy of my will.

The funny thing is, I just got off the phone with her and she asked me to go to brunch with her tomorrow, as she had a "GROUPON", (new kind of coupon) where all ya do is leave the tip. Go figure!!

[catnapper]

I think everyone has a different idea of death and the afterlife. I refuse to go to the cemetary - their body might be there, but thats not THEM. Its their bodily remains. Their spirit is released and free to go wherever it wants --- if I were a spirit, the cemetary wouldn't be where I hung out. I'd be at home watching over my loved ones. So goes my own little perspective. I have never visite anybody's gravestone after the funeral. Never will.

I however would be compelled to put some type of marker on a grave. Even just a small cement slab with name and dates.

[Grace]

This article was in our local paper today. Fits right in with this topic -

Scattering Mom, one scoop at a time . . . (http://www.annarbor.com/entertainment/parenting/scattering-mom/)

My parents are buried in Rhode Island, and that's where my brother plans to be buried, also. I want to be like the woman in this article - cremated and scattered to the winds. Some of me should go into Narragansett Bay, some in Lake Superior - the rest wherever. My spirit will be free to roam.

We have talked about which ever one of us goes first should be cremated; then set the remains aside until the other one passes. Another cremation - mix us together. We can be scattered together :)

[moosmom]

Susie knows that I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered over Bolton Lake. My cats' ashes are to be combined with mine before scattering.

It's SOOOO cold out, Susie and I have decided to hold off brunch till it gets warmer. Maybe then, we'll take a ride to the cemetery.