Lost a friend

[Marigold2]

A women who has been my friend for many a year is no longer.
I have lost to God, or a cult in a way.
About 4 years ago she started to go to this new church.
She lives in the country and these are country folk, farmers, mostly Germans, many Lutheran.
This small country church is very very strict, very clannish (sic).
They only socialize with members of the church, everyone else is a sinner and not to be trusted.
I am so sad about this. I feel she is being brainwashed and yes she has changed. Every word out of her mouth is God this and God that. The bible says this bible says that. She does not have one independent thought in her head. It did not happen over night but it did happen.
After her mom died I think that is when she went off the deep end.
I know she is unhappy about her weight and her looks.
"not aging well " is her term. She wants to do something about that but the church feels that would be vain. She used to go to WWatchers but that has stopped, which is a shame because she seemed so much happier when she lost some of the weight. I fear it will become a health issue soon. She is about 250 lbs that is 100 over what she should be.
If I try and ask her to do something fun it's "I have to do this for the church or I have plans with my friends." The church has just taken control.
The same thing happened to my friend when a highschool friend of her's became a Jehovah Witness. All the old friends who were no JW were out of her life.
Why does a belief in God sometimes have to isolate people instead of bring them together?
My poor beautiful friend, now a mindless zombie without a single thought of her own. It really really makes me so sad.

[Catty1]

Hopefully she will finish her grieving somehow and her real, God-given self will flourish again. Four years out of her whole life is not much...there is still hope.

I truly am sorry for your loss. I pray she returns some day soon.

[wombat2u2004]

Why does a belief in God sometimes have to isolate people instead of bring them together?

Depends who you go to.
Some of those churches out there are run by real whacko's who have the gift of the gab and want to include others in their own weird and wonderful lives........there's plenty of lost souls around, and usually they are gullible people willing to follow someone who can offer them some sort of hope for a more meaningful life.
Churches like that are usually based on money.
As for me.....yep, I believe in God. But I don't need any teachings or churches or icons and stuff. I don't need to buy my way anywhere.

[sana]

Belief in God is true but, God! Himself! Says that if you blindly follow me, you will not be among my favorites. You have to obey and listen to God, but following him the way you're telling about your friend is wrong, talk about God but it isn't necessary that they come in your every sentence. Its so sad that your friend is being taken away from you...:(

[Pinot's Mom]

Unfortunately, I know from whence you speak; I have had exposure to this behaviour and it's painful to watch.

This person is using this church and their version of God as a crutch. This is never good. God and his people hold you up when you need it, but also make you stand when it is time to bloom on your own. It should never be about blame of others, isolation, and blind following. Until this person realizes their own soul is lost, they will not see daylight, and there's not a lot anyone can do. I'm sorry.

Stay there in the wings and look for signs of daylight. Hopefully they'll come sooner than later. Good luck and God's blessing.

[pomtzu]

If this woman is happy with the church and her new friends, then that's her choice. It's called freedom of religion and one of her rights. I'm sure she would leave if it was all that horrible. I'm pretty certain that no one is threatening her or trying to restrain her. Maybe these new friends are more accepting of her as she is, and her weight doesn't matter to them. Not everyone is obsessed with one's physical appearance, and it's what inside that counts. Give me an overweight and not exceptionally attractive friend any day, over the one who places importance of appearance at the top of the list - "attractive" on the outside and empty on the inside!

[sana]

pomtzu, please you aren't helping Marigold, she needs comfort, tell her that (your point) in a way she'll be happy with.

Marigold, your friend is happy the way she is, if you think the way she's gone is bad for her, try to bring her back, once, twice, thrice, but if she goes away, and doesn't listen, tell her to read this thread and if she is still on the path she was, then you'll have to let her go. You can't keep all your friends forever, I read a novel once, in it there was a girl who met her school fellows, the school fellows were from her old school which she had left. Her friend sweren't the same as they used to be, they didn't understand her the way they used to, so her grandmother told her, you can't keep all your friends, you gotta let some go. And this story was mostly true. So, you can't keep all your friends with you till your very last breath, you might have to let some go. So, if your friend doesn't listen to you, and stays on her way, you'll have to let her go. :(

[sana]

Hey, Marigold, just to make you feel better, I wanted to say,
I'd like to share an incident with you about me losing my firend, I lost a friend, a cousin, today, we had a loooong fight about pettalk, he said he didn't like it and I said it was a good place. So then we had a very long fight and the end was, he blocked me and I blocked him and this fight might continue for a very long time. We were calling each other names and stuff and so I hope you feel better. I just lost him about 5 minutes ago.:( Well, just for Huzaifa, you were a great firend and yeah I'd kinda miss ya after a MONTH! :mad:

[Asiel]

Maybe this woman finds more pleasure in her church and her real friends and is just using the church as an excuse to put distance on a friendship she considers superficial, empty and unreal. It isn't up to us to judge a church we know nothing about. I have friends from many dominations and they are not brainwashed. Could be that her church does teach that vanity is against their beliefs, most churches do teach that and maybe she realizes she prefers the company of real people. I for one would find it extremely boring and tedious to have to listen to a friend ranting and raving about her looks all the time. I don't associate with those types in the first place. To me they have nothing to offer a friendship except empty chatter.
As to her using the term that she isn't aging well, this does not mean she's talking about her looks or weight, my first impression would be that she might have discovered some health issues. Not everyone cares or wants to look like a centrefold in a magazine. Maybe she dropped out of WW because she found it boring to be around people who center their lives around their looks. There are more important things in life than looks and weight. As for her weight I think only her doctor would be in a position to judge if it's causing her any problems. Beauty is only skin deep and never lasts. A deep empathy and sincere feelings for a friend lasts a lifetime.

[pomtzu]

pomtzu, please you aren't helping Marigold, she needs comfort, tell her that (your point) in a way she'll be happy with.

Marigold, your friend is happy the way she is, if you think the way she's gone is bad for her, try to bring her back, once, twice, thrice, but if she goes away, and doesn't listen, tell her to read this thread and if she is still on the path she was, then you'll have to let her go. You can't keep all your friends forever, I read a novel once, in it there was a girl who met her school fellows, the school fellows were from her old school which she had left. Her friend sweren't the same as they used to be, they didn't understand her the way they used to, so her grandmother told her, you can't keep all your friends, you gotta let some go. And this story was mostly true. So, you can't keep all your friends with you till your very last breath, you might have to let some go. So, if your friend doesn't listen to you, and stays on her way, you'll have to let her go. :(

There is more to my previous post than meets the eye, something you know nothing about and don't need to. Marigold would never be happy with anything I have to say, but she has me on ignore and won't see it anyway.

Your comment about the novel was very good tho, and brings up a good point.

Now go do your homework, and stop spending so much time here on PT. :p You should learning, and interacting with your peers, and not getting involved with a bunch of adults here all the time. :eek::p

[sana]

Hey! pomtzu, don't talk to me about home work on my weekends and holidays! I really don't like being reminded about it. I'll do it when I feel like it. I'd like to spend sometime on PT too.

[pomtzu]

Hey! pomtzu, don't talk to me about home work on my weekends and holidays! I really don't like being reminded about it. I'll do it when I feel like it. I'd like to spend sometime on PT too.

Well PT won't get you good grades in school, but I'm not up to "debating" this with a 13 yr old. I already do enough "debating" with a certain 14 yr old. :( Kinda like talking to a wall.........:p
Have a nice weekend.

[Queen of Poop]

Marigold, I am sorry you've lost a friend. :(

[Whisk_Luva]

Monica, I am sorry to hear about your friend.. I don't know what to suggest, but I hope things improve soon.


There is more to my previous post than meets the eye, something you know nothing about and don't need to. Marigold would never be happy with anything I have to say, but she has me on ignore and won't see it anyway.

Now go do your homework, and stop spending so much time here on PT. :p You should learning, and interacting with your peers, and not getting involved with a bunch of adults here all the time. :eek::p


Well PT won't get you good grades in school, but I'm not up to "debating" this with a 13 yr old. I already do enough "debating" with a certain 14 yr old. :( Kinda like talking to a wall.........:p

I thought you said a while back you weren't going to be posting on any of Monica's threads anymore?

I remember what it was like to be on PT at 13. So what if Sana wants to come on here and talk to people on the board? A lot of members first came to pet talk as teenagers, I thought we were meant to welcome everyone. You don't turn around to other older members and tell them to stop posting because they are meant to be at work do you? Just because she is 13 doesn't mean she has no right to be here- in fact, I think she is pretty mature for 13 seeming she keeps trying to stop all these arguements.

I am not trying to argue with you Pomtzu. I don't want to argue with anyone, but it is difficult not to post when I see you and a few others ganging up on certain members.


Hey! pomtzu, don't talk to me about home work on my weekends and holidays! I really don't like being reminded about it. I'll do it when I feel like it. I'd like to spend sometime on PT too.

Don't worry Sana, you have every right to be here :)

[smokey the elder]

Well PT won't get you good grades in school, but I'm not up to "debating" this with a 13 yr old. I already do enough "debating" with a certain 14 yr old. :( Kinda like talking to a wall.........:p
Have a nice weekend.

That was out of line, IMO.

[pomtzu]

If some folks will take the time to notice, I was half way joking with Sana and never said she didn't have a right to be here. Maybe some people need to lighten up a little, and learn to read between the lines.

As far as posting in Marigold's threads - as some others like to fall back on here when they go contrary to what they said previously - "I changed my mind". If it works for them, then it works for me!!!

[cassiesmom]

I agree with part of Pomtzu's post where she says this is Marigold2's friend's choice. There is a saying, people come into your life for a reason, or a season, or a lifetime. Marigold2, maybe your season with this person has to come to an end. You are much too special to spend your energy on this person

Here is my own recent example. My friend B. (see the "Dear You" thread) is someone I thought was a lifetime friend. Things have changed over the past several months. Our birthdays are one week apart. We have always exchanged gifts. I mailed her a card and got her a gift. I did not get a card (or an e-card or even a call), much less a gift in return. Her life priorities have shifted, but mine have not. This friend who I considered a lifetime friend, who I expected to be a part of my life for many years to come -- I now consider a season friend and our season has concluded. We now have a very superficial relationship, with contact via e-mail 1-2 times a week at most. It makes me very sad, but that was her choice and there is nothing I can do. ((((((HUGS FOR Marigold2))))))

[Karen]

Well, Marigold2, you may not have lost her forever, but even if you have, you can always remember her and the years of friendship you shared. It is part of you, and it is part of her, even if you never meet again.

[CatsMeow]

Belief in God is true but, God! Himself! Says that if you blindly follow me, you will not be among my favorites. You have to obey and listen to God, but following him the way you're telling about your friend is wrong, talk about God but it isn't necessary that they come in your every sentence. Its so sad that your friend is being taken away from you...:(

You're right. I'm a big-time God person, a Christian, but God isn't in my every sentence.

[lizbud]

Could be that this friend is not lost to you forever. Seems like right now
this church group is filling some need in her life that she doesn't find anywhere
else. People grow, people change, that's life. If you want to maintain a
friendship some where down the line, let her know that you care about her
and will be there if she ever wants to get back in touch. Wish her well, and
mean it, that's all you can do.

[Marigold2]

Thank you all for the kind words. This has been painful to me and to some of her other friends as well. We have been friends since we were 12, we are now all in our 50's.
We have been through weddings, births, death of our parents, grandchildren, car accidents, divorce oh my gosh you name it and the 5 of us have lived it, supported each other and laughed and cried together.
I am the one that is friends with all five and they all met through me.
She has pulled away from ALL of us.
She was always very religous, went to church all her life but now this church is different. This is more cult like.
This church thinks Oprah is a sinner and evil because she talks with gays and all manner of sinners people. Oprah is NOT to be watched. Oprah is going to hell.
How do you argue with that? You don't. It is so farfected so crazy so stupid I could not say anything. I am of course a horrible sinner since I watch this show and Desperate Housewives oh I am horrid horrid horrid evil sinner who will burn in hell.
How someone who knows me, who came to the hospital and sang and prayed with me while my mom was in a coma could feel this way now is so heartbreaking.
I love her like a sister, she is an only child and we were so close but this church is not a good thing. It is taking her away from all who love her and support her and have been her friends for over 30 years. We who have watched each other grow up, grow old, grow closer every year now we are no more.
Will I be there for her, always, so will the others even though their friendship to her stems through me, we all love her, want her to be happy.
I will just wait and hope that her kids will speak to her perhaps they can help her.
I think one of the problems is her daughter is seperated and might be getting a divorce from her husband, that of course makes daughter a sinner. I don't know what the church is saying about this, what kind of guilt or confusion this is causing my friend and how her relationship with daughter is. If she is spewing the hatred the church is then the relationship with her daughter can be in serious trouble too.
It's a scary thought what this church is doing to the family.

[caseysmom]

If you made any comments to her about her weight that are similar to the comments you have made to me I don't blame her one bit for staying as far away as she can get.

[wombat2u2004]

Lookout !!!! The cheerleaders have arrived. :eek::eek:

[moosmom]

Marigold2,

It's very difficult to lose such a great friend to something so mind blowing. I'm sorry you've lost such a friend. The only way she's ever going to learn, is by hitting rock bottom. She's not there yet. And don't let her bring you down with her, okay? You're too nice a person.;)

I have one question...WHY do some people here always have to make this into a debate or argument?????? *Sigh* :rolleyes:

[Bonny]

Marigold, Just sit tight. I bet your friend will come back eventually. She is out there searching & having a rough time now. Cults are scary & I hope your friend will figure it out.

[wombat2u2004]

Yep Monica, she'll eventually wake up and move away from that lot.
I agree with the last two posts, they make a lot of sense.

[wombat2u2004]

I have one question...WHY do some people here always have to make this into a debate or argument?????? *Sigh* :rolleyes:

Because Donna, there is a certain CLIQUE here who think they know everything about everything, and as soon as someone like Monica posts something nice, they jump on her with their "cattyness".
I can't help at times to post something smart back at them....God knows they deserve it......and as intelligent as they think they are, they still haven't got the "If ya got nothing nice to say, then shaddup" ideal in their small brains.
I'll make like Monica, and put a few more onto ignore, that way I don't have to be confronted with their dribble every time I read a thread. ;)

[moosmom]

Wom,

And that's why I have them on "ignore". ;)

[kokopup]

I'm sorry that you have lost a friend to a church with radical teachings. Years ago my son got involved in a church that had a lot of Lunatic fringe teachings. This had a very negative impact on our relationship and put, my then a baby, granddaughter at risk. One of their teaching condoned VERY harsh control of your children. They would say unless you can see bruises you are not getting the devil out. I was very troubled so I turned to the Bible to find the reason not to be abusive. The Minister would use the Bible out of context to spread his perverted views. i was fortunate that I did get the help I needed from the Bible that turned him around.

In your friends case I don't know if this approach will work since it appears this church offers her the comfort she now needs. In my case there was a very fragile innocent life at stake. I could not wait for sanity to return because by then the damage would be done. Pray for your friend and maybe some day she will see the error in pushing her friends away.

[Marigold2]

Again thank you all for your support, it is a hard and confusing time. I think that her daughter will be the turning put here. I had no idea she was seperated from her husband until someone else met her at the grocery store and she mentioned it.
Since the church so frowns on this and now feels the daughter is a sinner and God knows what else this will make my friend have to rethink this whole thing.
She loves her daughter so much and I cannot believe she would allow the church to condemn her, I just can't.
So rigiht now she has to be in great pain and confusion with the church spewing this BS in one ear and her love for her daughter in another.
I am going to send her a card with just the words. "I love you."
on it. After 30 some years there is nothing she can't tell me and nothing I won't help her with, she has but to ask.
My friends here on PT I love you as well and my life is greatly enriched by your kindness and understanding, great sense of humor and a swift kick in the behind when I need it.
Wom you make me laugh so hard, you are a great joy in my life.

[wombat2u2004]

My friends here on PT I love you as well and my life is greatly enriched by your kindness and understanding, great sense of humor and a swift kick in the behind when I need it.
Wom you make me laugh so hard, you are a great joy in my life.

That's what we are here for Mon Mon. ;);)

[moosmom]

;) Back at ya, girl!!!

[Medusa]

I guess as much as it grieves you that you will have to let her find her way, Monica. For whatever reason, this is the path that she's chosen and you'll just have to let her walk it. The time may come when she'll realize that she's cut out of her life the people who have meant the most to her or maybe that time will never come at all. Just continue to love her and keep affirming that "all is in divine order". In the meantime, we'll send up prayers for you both. :)