How do you know if it's the right time to get out or STAY?

[CountryWolf07]

So... on the surface, my relationship with Mike is fine.. we've been together about a bit over 3 1/2 years - we make each other laugh, things are good, we have things in common, same goals, etc.. except one thing. I want to get married eventually, someday, and while Mike says he doesn't know. I asked him one simple question about if we were on the same path, on the things we want in life, and he could not answer it. He keeps saying that things are fine, that he knows that I want to know and that he understands where I'm coming from.. He thinks I am being weird asking him about that kind of stuff and I'm asking at the wrong times..... (honestly, there's NEVER a right time for it) when on the other hand, I can't help it, because "I see it" with us, but it seems like he does not. I don't know what to do. I honestly have to say I'm in this still, because I had that feeling from day one that I knew what we had were going to turn into something big, we weren't just going to be friends, but we'd be in a relationship, etc. I'm actually feeling scared, upset, and I don't know how to think or what to do. I love him enough to stay and that I know we have a future, but he can't be OPEN at all, and he is not good at saying how he feels, he just always avoids when it comes to feelings..... Any advice?

[king2005]

Why do you need him to tell you that he loves you on a piece of paper? If you can't tell by his actions then something is wrong.

Sorry, I'm not the marriage type, I don't need a piece of paper to be told how someone feels about me, or how I feel about them.

If you love him & he loves you, then don't push him on this topic, it might break him. I've seen this happen far far far too often. People are in love your years & decades, then the female (in all the cases I've seen its always been the female) pushes the male to marry her.. he gets stressed out & does 1 of a couple of things.

1. Leaves before marriage due to stress.
2. Leaves shortly after the marriage due to stress.

Not all men are able to get married, they aren't wired that way. Seems like you've found that type of man & your just going to have to accept his love as it is & not on a piece of paper.

[Queen of Poop]

He's a guy. Guys aren't real good at the feelings stuff. You're a woman, you feel things differently. As for marriage, right now I cannot really recommend it. It's not worked out well for me twice now and I will never do it again. He's with you, he loves you and you guys are doing great. He's never going to be all mushy and feely, it's not in him. If you can accept that then I think you guys will have an awesome future.

[carole]

I sure can see it from your side though, you want a future with this guy that does include marriage and perhaps children, maybe that is not where he is at just yet, but if you love each other and are happy ,why rock the boat, but on the other hand i guess you dont' want to invest many years in a relationship that is not going where you want it to be.

If you are happy for now, best not push it, and just see how things go,but seriously if he does not want the same things as you, maybe he is not your Mr Right.

[Catty1]

I asked him one simple question about if we were on the same path, on the things we want in life,

If you ask yourself this simple question, do you have an answer? Or, if he asked you, what would you say?

His thoughts and opinions are no more able to make or break the relationship than yours are. It takes two.

You don't have to answer, it's kind of a rhetorical question - but how would YOU answer it?

You've posted a few times in the past, and one of the things that it seems you always mention is that he doesn't say "I love you." If you truly accept that, that will take some pressure off the relationship - especially off him. Suppose you knew he would never say those words to you as long as you both live? What would you do?

HUGS:love:

[CountryWolf07]

If you ask yourself this simple question, do you have an answer? Or, if he asked you, what would you say?

His thoughts and opinions are no more able to make or break the relationship than yours are. It takes two.

You don't have to answer, it's kind of a rhetorical question - but how would YOU answer it?

You've posted a few times in the past, and one of the things that it seems you always mention is that he doesn't say "I love you." If you truly accept that, that will take some pressure off the relationship - especially off him. Suppose you knew he would never say those words to you as long as you both live? What would you do?

HUGS:love:

He has already said it a couple times now, but it doesn't really matter if he says it or not because I've accepted it, really. I know he does, he knows I do, so that part is out of the way.

IF he did ask me that question, I would say, I see myself being married, have a great job, have a kid or two, just a good life, really, basically have something that I'd be proud of and to look back on as I get older. He just says he understands where I am coming from but I think he doesn't really 'get it'.. He just doesn't like to talk about it. I did ask him if he wanted to get married someday, have kids someday, and he said yes. But otherwise, if it was on the topic of "us"... he doesn't really have anything to say but, "I don't know" or "maybe".. otherwise, I decided to drop it for now. I just wish he'd understand how it's a normal topic that comes in a relationship after being together for a period of time. ;)

[Medusa]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too. :)

[catnapper]

I figure it this way: Can you imagine your life without him? Would you be happy in other ways, or does he define your happiness? If you would be happy other ways, then you have your answer. If you feel he is your happiness, then you need to think of why he is... is it because you put all your hopes and dreams into him, or is it because he truly does make you happy?

I once dated a guy who refused to propose. I couldn't imagine why. I loved him, he loved me. We were so clearly headed in that direction but he was happy just being together. The funny thing was when we broke up EVERYONE expected me to be devastated. Before the breakup I probably would have imagined myself to be devastated. But instead I felt relief! I was free to find someone who really fit with me. It seems that I had unconsciously put hm on a pedestal. But I could see marriage to him sooooo clearly -- he made me laugh. I was so comfortable around him. We had awesome intellectual conversations. Enjoyed all the same music and hobbies. Problem was that it was all surface glitter. Inside, he wasn't what I needed. I needed someone with the capacity to LOVE. to let go of himself and give himself to me. To be vulnerable and honest. To have the same outlook on life.

Am I saying that you should leave? By no means! What I'm saying is that you need to evaluate what is really there.

[anna_66]

Of course it all depends on what you want. Do you have to be married or can you be happy just being with him and knowing he loves you?
If you will always want to be married and he doesn't neither of you will be happy.
Do what's in your heart and what will make YOU happy.

[Taz_Zoee]

Catnapper said exactly what I was going to say. Imagine life without him. If you can handle that then there is your answer.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 7 years now and I've accepted that we will probably never get married and I'm fine with that. Other people around me do not seem to understand and are always asking both of us about it.
He's been married before and she ruined him. Pressured him into marriage and then ended up cheating on him. He feels he is too old to have children (he turned 50 in Feb) so I know that isn't going to ever happen either. I'm happy and can't imagine my life without him so I'm staying right where I am. :D

I wish you luck in whatever happens. :)

[Cataholic]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too. :)

So very true. What is it that YOU want? If it is marriage, a person that freely discusses the most intimate feelings, tells you (and shows you) that he loves you, etc., than I don't think Mike is it. He is essentially telling you that. :(

I don't buy the "men don't talk", it was how they were brought up, a bad prior relationship, etc., type stuff. You are entitled to (and I suspect freely give of it) love on your terms...and there IS someone out there for you.

Don't stay in a relationship thinking he will change. He won't. Good luck, and I am sorry, cause it is apparent you care for him.

[lvpets2002]

:) Well so far I have read good advise.. I have been married twice & divorced twice.. I never ever plan on marriage again.. If I am to have a relationship again I will just have a boyfriend to live with or not.. Like others have said you dont need a piece of paper just to state you love each other.. If you are both happy & in love now, then dont stirr the waters.. Stay happy & in love just the way you are now..

[CountryWolf07]

Can I imagine my life without him? No. I actually can't. That's what I was thinking last night. I remember that exact moment when we first met, and I just "knew"... I am happy with where we are, I'm happy enough to know that he loves me, and vice versa. He truly does make me happy, just always puts a smile on my face when he's around. If we did at some point, separate, I would absolutely be devastated.
I just think that after seeing so many people I know, getting engaged and married, it sort of puts me in a position where I'm thinking, "hey, what about me?" - I know it's incredibly silly, but I've always thought to be engaged by now at some point. Especially when I was younger, I used to think, I would probably be at 25.. but anyways, thank you. I am going to follow my grandparents' advice as they always gave me, "What's meant to be, will be."
Thanks for the great advice that everyone gave... :)

[lvpets2002]

:) Now you dont want him to ask marriage just because that is what everyone else is doing = Do You?? If he ask of marriage then you want it to be because he wants it of his own doings.. To heck of what everyone else is doing or saying.. Thats like if everyone is jumping off a bridge = then is that what you think you should do too.. Heck No.. Keep the relationship Happy & Loving as it is now..

[Cataholic]

^^ there is nothing wrong with wanting to be married (coming from someone not inclinded to marry). You are allowed to have your own dreams. :)

[moosmom]

What Johanna said!!

[NicoleLJ]

Hmmm maybe I see this differently because of my experiences with my ex. I could not imagine, when I was with him, my life without him. Didn't want too. My whole life revolved around him. I was dependant on him for my happiness and to feel whole. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY!!! He was very abusive to me and my children and thank goodness the relationship is over. I will never agian allow my self to feel like I can't live without someone.

My fiance is awsome. I love him dearly. OUr future looks bright and we are working hard towards our joint goals of where we would like to be. We can talk about everything and anything, enjoy all the same things and adore each others kids. BUT could I live my life without him? COuld I imagine my life without him? YES. Do I want to? I would rather not. I am not dependant on him for my happiness in life. Does he add happiness to it? YES. Does he help give me strength when I need it? Yes. Does he support me in the things I want to do? YEs. But could he take all that away, including himself and I could still be happy with my life? Yes.

Some of you may be confused by what I am saying. Others might get it. To me a life partner does not complete you. I used to see it that way but after a ton of counseling have since changed that view. You need to complete you first. If you are happy with yourself while you are with this person then that is what matters. If you are not complete within yourself while with this person then you need to reevaluate. I hope this makes sense.

[Anikaca77]

http://www.moviefone.com/movie/tyler-perrys-why-did-i-get-married/29300/main

Synopsis
A couple (Tyler Perry and Janet Jackson) that goes on a therapeutic annual winter vacation designed to help couples work through their marital problems in a group setting finds the usual routine thrown into chaos when one of the wives arrives with a sexy young temptress in tow. Now, as the Colorado snow falls gently outside of their window, one couple will experience a bout with infidelity that will cause the entire group to question the validity of their own respective marriages. Diary of a Mad Black Woman mastermind Tyler Perry writes, produces, directs, and stars in this comedy drama that explores the complexities of modern marriage. - Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide


I saw this movie this past weekend at my sisters and it was a very mind opening movie for me. I've been doing a lot of thinking since I saw this movie and I don't know if this would help you in your thoughts but for me it's just making me think more but I've been thinking or wondering if I'm getting a divorce or not so I'm not sure if this movie is for you right now or not.

-Melissa

[CountryWolf07]

"I don't buy the "men don't talk", it was how they were brought up, a bad prior relationship, etc., type stuff. You are entitled to (and I suspect freely give of it) love on your terms...and there IS someone out there for you."

That's how I am feeling right now, basically. Mike says that he is brought up in a family where he never hears "I love you's" and feelings were just not "openly expressed" as much as I grew up in a family where feelings are SO open and we are a emotional family. He doesn't like to express his feelings, say how he feels.. and it's clear a lot of times how he feels about me through his actions/things he does around me. My dad is the same way, he never says how he feels... who knows? Is that too hard to believe? I've had his family relatives/friends comment to me randomly how much he reminds them of his dad before he passed away. I am starting to feel like I might be dating his "dad" at this point.. seems like! Not to be funny or anything. I had a serious conversation with my mom last night as well. My mom actually told me that she broke up with my dad when he didn't want to get married, but he still wanted to be with her, they had been together about the same length I've been with Mike. Dad begged and cried for my mom to take him back. She didn't. They were broken up for 6 months to a year, until somehow, they decided to come back together and get engaged, and now they are celebrating their 28th anniversary in July this year. It's like... I FEEL I am following in my parents' footsteps, but not "aware" of it. Just feels like I am doing the same thing my mom did 28 years ago. Make sense?

[RICHARD]

Well,

Because Wom is on vacation, I'll have to step into his shoes.:rolleyes:;)


I spent 13 years with my GF and even tho it was not all wine and roses? IT worked. We had our differences and there were days that we didn't want to be around each other...but those were few and far between.

The talk of marriage did come up, but because of reasons beyond our control, it didn't happen.

I have never married so I can't say anything about THAT part of life.

I do know that not being married made me 'work' at the relationship all the time.

---------

One word of advice?

If you are sharing a place? Make a written declaration about the arrangement you have, Just in case.

When my dad died, I split my time between the GF's and my mom's place.

My GF came up with terminal CA and her kids took over her place and I was locked out.

I was not allowed to visit and when she passed I found out about it from the people that we worked with.

I know that the laws are different from state to state, but that will save you a huge amount of pain and hassle, should "life interfere".

No one can predict the future, but you can prepare for it.

[CountryWolf07]

Well,

Because Wom is on vacation, I'll have to step into his shoes.:rolleyes:;)


I spent 13 years with my GF and even tho it was not all wine and roses? IT worked. We had our differences and there were days that we didn't want to be around each other...but those were few and far between.

The talk of marriage did come up, but because of reasons beyond our control, it didn't happen.

I have never married so I can't say anything about THAT part of life.

I do know that not being married made me 'work' at the relationship all the time.

---------

One word of advice?

If you are sharing a place? Make a written declaration about the arrangement you have, Just in case.

When my dad died, I split my time between the GF's and my mom's place.

My GF came up with terminal CA and her kids took over her place and I was locked out.

I was not allowed to visit and when she passed I found out about it from the people that we worked with.

I know that the laws are different from state to state, but that will save you a huge amount of pain and hassle, should "life interfere".

No one can predict the future, but you can prepare for it.


Thank you Richard for the advice! We do not live together, but we see each other every weekend. You're right, though.. no one can predict the future, but I can prepare for it.. That is how Mike is. He has said that about the marriage topic, etc. how "We don't know what will happen next week, next month, next year, even in 5 years.."

[NicoleLJ]

.. That is how Mike is. He has said that about the marriage topic, etc. how "We don't know what will happen next week, next month, next year, even in 5 years.."

To me that sounds like someone that is not ready for a commitment. Sure we don't know what life will throw at us. But if this is the person who someone is planning the rest of their life with then I would expect to hear that no matter what life throws our way I am going to go through it with you. But then that is me.

[carole]

I have to say i tend to agree with NicoleLj,he probably still loves you, but just does not want to settle down yet, it may come in time, or he may never want to go down the marriage route, so i guess as others and I have said before ,it really is up to whether you are content to stay as you are on his terms until he is ready, or whether you really want more, in your heart you know what you really want out of this relationship, and if it is more and he is not prepared to give more, then you have your answer really.

It is a difficult one though, because you obviously love him and from what you write he loves you, so why would you give that up, just because there is not a ring on your finger, only you and you alone can make this decision. good luck.

[king2005]

Hmmm... you said you don't live together, & only see him every weekend? That isn't even close for a recipe to even be talking about marriage IMO. You guys have no idea what the other is like day to day, or what its like to wake up to the other that might be ill, crabby, lazy, hyper, etc. Put the whole marriage thing on the back burner until you guys can live together to see if you even get a long. Just because you can have the time of your lives every weekend, doesn't mean it'll be all fun every day after day, & so on.

With the ways you were talking I thought you lived together... this changes the whole thing. Neither of you are ready for marriage period.. IMO.. Remember this isn't the ~19th century when people are put together by their folks, woman have no say in the relationship, etc... Get a place together & bring up marriage after 1yr of living together.

Weekend boyfriends are NOTHING like day after day boyfriends. You are also still young, there is no rush :) :love:

[Karen]

You do not need to live together before you get married. Paul and I never lived together before marriage, and here we are 23+ years later.

Trust your gut is my only advice. My pastor, a few weeks ago, said he recommends marriage when you can't believe your good fortune that you found this person to love!

[Marigold2]

I think you already know the answer. Now you have to be brave and take the step.

[RICHARD]

I was thinking about this thread.

-----------------------

Sometimes we get too impatient with life and want to see what is up ahead.

It's like walking down the street looking thru a pair of binoculars. We do know what we may find at the end of the block, but you do miss out on everything immediately around you. There may be a crack in the sidewalk that will make you stumble, and you may hit it because you are busy trying to look ahead.


Does that make sense?


You'll know when to stop and use you 'binoculars' at the right time.

Until then?

Don't stub your toes or skin your knees.

There's plenty of time for that later on?:eek::D;)

[DJFyrewolf36]

I was thinking about this thread.

-----------------------

Sometimes we get too impatient with life and want to see what is up ahead.

It's like walking down the street looking thru a pair of binoculars. We do know what we may find at the end of the block, but you do miss out on everything immediately around you. There may be a crack in the sidewalk that will make you stumble, and you may hit it because you are busy trying to look ahead.


Does that make sense?


You'll know when to stop and use you 'binoculars' at the right time.

Until then?

Don't stub your toes or skin your knees.

There's plenty of time for that later on?:eek::D;)

Couldnt have said it better...my life the past couple of years has driven this lesson home lol.

[king2005]

Couldnt have said it better

I second that!

[CountryWolf07]

Makes complete sense...

I'm going to take someone's advice, and just let it roll out, see where it goes. To be honest, I need to relax and appreciate what I have now. I trust my gut, whatever it says, I stick with it. Until then, whatever happens, happens. I know it is difficult but life is not supposed to be easy. It's full of speed bumps to get through it. I trust that whatever I do, will be the right thing.

[Daisy and Delilah]

I usually don't like to comment on someone's personal life, especially something of this nature b/c it's so important so I'll just say this: you know in your heart whether or not this relationship is what you want and if you have the type of future w/Mike that you need. There are TWO in a relationship and if one is always acquiescing to the other, eventually resentment is going to set in. If we have to talk ourselves into it, then something is wrong. We need to really hear what people say to us either w/their actual words or w/their actions. He's telling you who he is by not saying and doing the things that you want to hear and see. Pay close attention. Love him but don't settle for less than what you need. You are the other half of this equation and your future is important, too. :)

This says it so well. Rachel, I know how long you've been waiting for what you want. In the case of you and Mike, I would almost always say to stick it out if you love him. I'm not saying anything different right now.
Ask yourself::: how much longer can you go on without getting exactly what you have had hopes and dreams for for so long?
Best of luck in making the right decision. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[prechrswife]

You do not need to live together before you get married. Paul and I never lived together before marriage, and here we are 23+ years later.

Trust your gut is my only advice. My pastor, a few weeks ago, said he recommends marriage when you can't believe your good fortune that you found this person to love!

What Karen said.:) (Except we've been married almost 10 years instead of 23+.)

[finn's mom]

I've seen you struggle with this part of your relationship on pet talk a few times, now. You shouldn't have to explain why hearing words of affirmation is important to you. I'm the same way and I don't feel like it's a good or bad thing, either way. It's just the way I am. I don't need it 24/7, but I couldn't and wouldn't be with a man who didn't say I love you on a daily basis. Relationships are about compromise, and even though my husband isn't the type that needs to hear it as much as I do, and his family has never been vocal about their feelings, he does it for me because he knows it's important. I do things for him that are important to him, even if it's not something I need.

I will echo someone else who said that it sounds like he isn't ready for a lifelong commitment.

I will add that if you feel like your life and growth is being stunted or like you're stagnating, because of your relationship with Mike...that's how I would know if it was time to move on. I've always looked at relationships like that, and so far, I feel like I've made the right decisions when it's come down to "should I stay or should I go?"

[RICHARD]

I have to chime in again.


Do not harbour any ill will toward your SO because he won't give you an answer.

Not wanting a "commitment" isn't a character flaw or something that minimizes a person's character.

--------------

Some tips about relationships?

Never speak without thinking.

Before asking your partner/SO for the truth?
Be ready to hear what you didn't want to hear.

Always try to put yourself in THEIR shoes or try to
imagine what your answer to the question is.

The smallest things will bother you about your SO.
The smallest things about you will bother your SO.;)

Just when you feel tired about any relationship?

1) Think about the time you will have before you meet someone else.
2) think about the 'audition process', what is the line about kissing frogs to find a prince?:eek:

3) Think about 5-10 years down the road and finish this sentence, "What if I had..."

Life sucks when you look back and can't blame the OTHER PERSON for a bad relationship.;)

By the same token?

Always demand of yourself what you demand of the other person. There are times when you compromise YOUR ideals because it'say easier to throw in the towel THAT way.

Be true to yourself and you'll never have a problem dealing with loved ones.

LOl, I should do this for a living.:eek::rolleyes::confused:

[CountryWolf07]

Thanks, Richard. Thanks everyone. I've been thinking a lot lately. We will have a talk about it, but mostly just to ease things and I decided that I will just leave where things are. I'm not going anywhere. I don't have money to move out, etc. I am actually happy with him, and I know, we both have talked about things, marriage, house, kids, and we both know it isn't that right now, but down the road, it's a possibility. Like I said, I will take it easy and just let things go, see where they end up. I realize that we both have gone through a couple speed bumps in our relationship, but nothing enough to force us to give up. If we have gotten to this far, we're still in it as far as it goes.

[Catty1]

:)