Tough times....now pain behind knee...trying positive thinking

[Anikaca77]

I've received a few donations that allowed us to make our rent payment which is very good, I did speak with the landlord about our situation and she will give us time if we need it. Right now we do have food in the house which is good but I've posted up some clothes on craiglist so that way gas won't be an issue or anything like that. I'm very thankful to the people who have already donated money for us and our kitties. I was able to get some kitty litter and some cat food as well so we will be set. I need to still purchase another bag of C/D Hills food for our guys and Hermes is going to the vets tonight and I don't know if he has asthma but he is coughing really bad almost like what Sophia sounds like (she has asthma) and I'm so worried that we already owe them $1,300 and I can't afford to pay for today's visit, they will see him anyway but I just hope it won't be too expensive. I hate to ask but I figured I'd start a new thread just because the other one is a little lengthy and I'm not sure if people saw my paypal address or not but if anyone would like to pitch in, it would be greatly appreciate. My paypal address is [email protected]

If anyone would like I could make payments back towards the end of the year when things hopefully will look better. Also, if you want to just say a quick pray too that would be great as well.

Here is the link that explains our situation a little better.

http://www.petoftheday.com/talk/showthread.php?t=160085

Thank you,
Melissa

[Karen]

Prayers and coupons on the way!

[Anikaca77]

Thank you so much Karen!!

melissa

[Anikaca77]

I updated the post in the Cat General section incase you want to know about what happened with him.

I don't know what's going to happen between my husband and I though. Things are not going well at all and I really can't afford to move out at all. Things are just complicated and I just don't know. I'm so depressed today and upset. I'm seeing my counselor at 1 p.m. today and I really hate to come back to work after that appt because I'm sure I'll be crying.

I'm trying so hard to make our marriage work. I just don't know. We have 10 cats and we would each take 5 most likely because I couldnt' afford anymore that's for than the 5 it would be so rough with just taking 5 but Claudia and Ashley were mine from the beginning so they would have to go with me, then Ozzy he's more mine and he'd have to come along, then Athena fits well in the circle too so she'd go and Sophia would go too but she loves Sebastian so much, last night (this seems to have nightly now, when I turn off the living room lights (sometimes I sleep out on the couch because the kitten can't stand to not have someone to sleep with even though there are other kitties, it's just not good enough for him, plus sometimes it helps sleeping out on the couch instead of in the bed)...anyway, so when I turn off the lights and it's completely dark in the living room, Sebastian will start to meow like he's kooing or something and Sophia will go over to him as if it's a mating call or something and rub her butt on him and what not, she's fixed and they just started doing this in Feb maybe. They love eachother so much that I'd hate to split them up but it would be better for her to go with the group. It's not final yet but I just don't know how things are going to change. He's giving me one last shot to make it work but I just don't know if I'm up for it again or not.

Melissa

[Catty1]

I hope maybe both of you can see a counsellor to work this out. It's fine that he's giving you one last shot :rolleyes: - but I hope he is doing his part too.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[Anikaca77]

No he won't go see anyone, we tried it once and found out that they (my counselor and ours) thought it was best that he go into this own counseling and I go into my own and then later do a group one.

I know he's frustrated since it's been so many years of this stuff and I don't want to fight with him either. It's just so unfair right now, and I just ended up brusting out and crying at work again.

Just breathe...I'm trying to remember that.

melissa

[Queen of Poop]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I feel so badly for you. Sending you a GREAT BIG HUG!!!!! :love:

As everyone tells me, hang in there. It's a useless statement and doesn't make me feel any better. What I'd like to hear and what I'm telling you now is: You will be ok. It is not the end of the world. Yep, it surely sucks. But there will be a light at the end of the tunnel after you're thru all the crap.

[Anikaca77]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I feel so badly for you. Sending you a GREAT BIG HUG!!!!! :love:

As everyone tells me, hang in there. It's a useless statement and doesn't make me feel any better. What I'd like to hear and what I'm telling you now is: You will be ok. It is not the end of the world. Yep, it surely sucks. But there will be a light at the end of the tunnel after you're thru all the crap.


Have you ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun....my situation isn't like her's really because he's never cheated on me and he's not seeing anyone but it just seems we can't stop fighting and he just keeps saying if I'd stop my pissy tone then things would be fine. I'm not sure if it's from growing up in a yelling house all the time and I just didn't know how to express myself right and now I'm just not doing things right. This is my first real relationship, we met in March 2005 and got married in April 2007.

I can't believe it's been this long and it's a long time but at the same time it seems to have just flown by so quickly.

My grandfather (my mom's dad), he lost his wife (my grandmother) last July, and he told me yesterday that love is the greatest gift, I wanted to cry because although I do love my husband very much and he loves me things just keep not working out (my grandfather doesn't know my husband and I are having really bad problems).

We went over to my dad's mom's place for easter dinner yesterday and she asked me where my husband was and of course I started to cry and luckly it was only in front of my mom and dad and my sister, so I had to go to the bathroom and my grandmother came in and said she was sorry she didn't know, I told her we are having bad problems right now and that we are trying to work on them but I just don't know. She told me if he is saying divorce to just say goodbye, she said he won't get very far without me, but he will because in about a week he'll be looking for another person to replace me I believe.

Luckily, I have my counseling appt. at 1 p.m so I can cry all I need to then and then have to come back to work and try not to cry.

Melissa

[Queen of Poop]

I hope the counsellor can help you with this. Tell her what he's said about your "pissy tone". When you're in the spot that you're in it is hard not to have a pissy tone. Maybe it's not you, but its him and he's hearing it come out that way because its what he is used to.

Mine used to accuse me of that all the time. I could be sweet as pie to him and he'd still see it as me being pissy, thus giving him an excuse to be abusive to me and it being all my fault.

Take in what your counsellor has to say. Follow her guidance.

Again, I am so sorry that you're in this spot. :love:

[phesina]

Oh, Melissa, I am so sorry you are going through all this too. Hugs and prayers and good wishes to you.

Love from Pat and cats

[Anikaca77]

Thank you all for your prays.

I tried not to cry too much in my session today, it's just so hard right now. Especially with Hermes not feeling well and Ashley well she just isn't very happy, sometimes she seems like she is and the other day I think it was Saturday she went and sprayed against the wall which was the worst day for us so maybe she was just letting me know something or something.

This morning there was pee in front of the tub again. I just don't know what I'm going to do with her either.

[Catty1]

Maybe Ashley is picking up on all the stress and tension in your home.

Do you have a friend that could foster her for a bit? Just temporary.

If your husband isn't doing his part to help, well, JMO I don't think it is fair.

If he was willing for the TWO of you to go together before, maybe your counsellor would see the two of you together?

One person can't save a marriage between two. JMO:love::love:

[Anikaca77]

Maybe Ashley is picking up on all the stress and tension in your home.

Do you have a friend that could foster her for a bit? Just temporary.

If your husband isn't doing his part to help, well, JMO I don't think it is fair.

If he was willing for the TWO of you to go together before, maybe your counsellor would see the two of you together?

One person can't save a marriage between two. JMO:love::love:

I actually don't really have anyone who could take her in, my parents have 3 dogs and 1 cat and she would hate that situation. She seems happy in her bathroom but she's been spraying for a long time now, probably since 08 or less. She used to pee in kitchen and we thought it was Anika doing it but after Anika passed away we realized it was Ashley after we confined her and tested pee then we found out she had struvite crystals which she's on the Hill's C/D food but on Friday, she ended up getting an upset stomach and she was throwing up and didn't eat the rest of the night and later on, on Saturday she had some food but she wouldn't eat the C/D she did eat the california natural food though.

Her poo is semi-runny too but I'm not sure what's up with her. On Saturday, I noticed that she sprayed the wall, she stood up on my dresser and shot it at the wall, I couldn't believe it that she was doing that but she did. I've confined her away from the other cats thinking that would help her stress but she's still spraying.

She peed this morning in front of the tub like she normally does but this spraying has to stop and she's been on some of the pills before and they did nothing for her. I know Mary has said only Clomicalm works and I think I'm going to have to talk to my vet to see if she has done any research into this because she said she didn't hear about that before so I want to get her some print out stuff about it and see.

I know Ashley is the most friendly cat in the world but I don't want her spraying all over our bedroom now.

I know we are also not helping the situation by all the stress in the house either so we have to try to elimante that as well.

Melissa

[carole]

Oh my dear Melissa, i am so sorry to read all of this, i did not realise how much pressure you were under, not only financially but emotionally.

Sadly i can only offer you some advice, not that i am any expert, but i have been married for coming up 19 years, and it has not always been easy, we have had our ups and downs and nearly split up a few times, but if you love each other and you say you do, you just have to keep trying at it, sometimes there is no chance, but from what you say, there is no violence, cheating etc, so i think it is well worth another shot, three years is not long to be married in my eyes.

I think way too many people give up so soon these days in marriage,i certainly don't suggest anyone should stay in a bad or violent marriage, but we all have things that irritate us, or need working out, you just have to be prepared to do the hard work, marriage is not easy by any means, even if you are the best of friends and love one another,sometimes it is the little petty things that cause so many problems, in hindsight you realise just how stupid it is to be arguing over those things, but we still do it,I just say don't give up yet sweetheart,there sounds like a lot worth saving in your marriage.

And personally for us we found the first few years our hardest, we were older though and i already had a child from a previous marriage, so there were other things that came in to it, we were both set in our ways and had to become used to each other.

I don't really know the depth of your problems and i am not going to pry, that is personal,but they don't sound to serious from what you have shared with us.

I once remember watching a Dr Phil episode, he actually said it only takes one person in a relationship to make changes, i always thought it took two also, but if that person makes changes, then the other automatically does as well, responding to you.

I hope you do try to give your marriage another chance,with all the other things going on, it is also contributing to the strain in your marriage, remember that, and even if he does not go to counselling you keep at it, it will help you no matter what decisions are made.

I am thinking of you and hoping things improve on both fronts, take care and giant hugs.:love::love:

[Anikaca77]

Carole-

Congrats on your coming up 19 years married. That's amazing. My grandparetns where married for over 58 years or so. My great grandparents were married for a long time as well and their love for eachother was just amazing.

The thing here with us, is I do love my husband, but sometimes more now I'm questioning just how much and can I deal with this stuff. I do keep trying but it doesn't work all the time, I'm seeing a counselor who will hopefully help me out, but it's really tough, I'm trying to deal with why I do get angry at times and yeah it's normal although it's harder when this lupron drug is in my system putting me through menapause.

My husband doesn't think he is giving up easily on us, he said he's asked me to make some changes and I haven't done so and he's been asking me for 4 years now.

Believe me I don't really want to give up but these circles we keep going in can't be healthy for both of us.

Thank you for posting this, I am trying believe me, it's very hard right now with things and $$ problems just tend to make things worse in our case I think.

"I once remember watching a Dr Phil episode, he actually said it only takes one person in a relationship to make changes, i always thought it took two also, but if that person makes changes, then the other automatically does as well, responding to you."

Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Melissa



Oh my dear Melissa, i am so sorry to read all of this, i did not realise how much pressure you were under, not only financially but emotionally.

Sadly i can only offer you some advice, not that i am any expert, but i have been married for coming up 19 years, and it has not always been easy, we have had our ups and downs and nearly split up a few times, but if you love each other and you say you do, you just have to keep trying at it, sometimes there is no chance, but from what you say, there is no violence, cheating etc, so i think it is well worth another shot, three years is not long to be married in my eyes.

I think way too many people give up so soon these days in marriage,i certainly don't suggest anyone should stay in a bad or violent marriage, but we all have things that irritate us, or need working out, you just have to be prepared to do the hard work, marriage is not easy by any means, even if you are the best of friends and love one another,sometimes it is the little petty things that cause so many problems, in hindsight you realise just how stupid it is to be arguing over those things, but we still do it,I just say don't give up yet sweetheart,there sounds like a lot worth saving in your marriage.

And personally for us we found the first few years our hardest, we were older though and i already had a child from a previous marriage, so there were other things that came in to it, we were both set in our ways and had to become used to each other.

I don't really know the depth of your problems and i am not going to pry, that is personal,but they don't sound to serious from what you have shared with us.

I once remember watching a Dr Phil episode, he actually said it only takes one person in a relationship to make changes, i always thought it took two also, but if that person makes changes, then the other automatically does as well, responding to you.

I hope you do try to give your marriage another chance,with all the other things going on, it is also contributing to the strain in your marriage, remember that, and even if he does not go to counselling you keep at it, it will help you no matter what decisions are made.

I am thinking of you and hoping things improve on both fronts, take care and giant hugs.:love::love:

[carole]

Melissa only you and you alone know just what the real problems are and if they are able to be worked through, the fact you are going through menopause at such a young age will obviously have an effect, believe me i know i am going through it myself, and it is indeed for me a miserable time, i never knew it would be this bad, so i can well empathise with you, and to be so young, well that just is not plain fair at all,it certainly could explain some of the anger you are feeling.

I can only hope you can work things out,but if you really feel you are better apart then maybe that is what is for the best,but working on your own issues as you are doing can only be beneficial for you in the long run, i wish you well, and if you ever need to pm me feel free, always here for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. take care.:love:

[Anikaca77]

Thank you Carol. I really appreciate it and may take you up on your offer sometime soon.

Last night was another bad night, he took off his ring and now who knows. I'm broke as broke can be, he's broke, our cats have food and we have some so that's what matters the most.

I just hope I have enough in gas for the next 2 weeks but I'm sure I'll manage somehow. I listed pants up on craigslist for $5 a piece, they are Lane Bryant jeans, I thought that was a good deal because I haven't worn them at all but no one seems to be interested.

Yet to boot, my left knee is killing me again and I called the orthos to see what if anything they can do, it's really hurting, it hurt really bad last night and I just don't know if it's really from my back or not I don't know.

Melissa

[Catty1]

Just a thought, hon - you mentioned a few posts ago that you didn't have anywhere to go IF you two split.

It isn't necessarily you that has to leave. It sounds like he is the one that has been giving ultimatums (for four years???). He may have a co-worker that can put him up for a while.

I hope you both can get some counselling support soon.

[Queen of Poop]

I'm sorry he's taken his ring off. That's not good, has he given up? It's unfortunate that in this difficult financial time you both can't cling to each other rather than go the opposite way. I am so very sorry.

Maybe some time apart will make the heart grow fonder. Could he stay with a friend or something for a few days?

On a positive note, you have your kitties. Give them each a hug, that should make you feel just a little better. It works for me, Cali and Diego have been real troopers thru this, letting me hug them up and all. Of course after there is the required Whiskas payment that must be made.

Keep moving forward sweetie, it is a tough road, but you are strong, you can do it. I have faith in you.

[Anikaca77]

Just a thought, hon - you mentioned a few posts ago that you didn't have anywhere to go IF you two split.

It isn't necessarily you that has to leave. It sounds like he is the one that has been giving ultimatums (for four years???). He may have a co-worker that can put him up for a while.

I hope you both can get some counselling support soon.

The only thing with that is I can't afford rent by myself. I know I could go to my parents but that would be a last resort due to all the issues growing up and dealing with my parents fighting and all that.

I am in couseling so at least I'm getting some support and here as well, it's just tough when you have to deal with the relationship issue and then pile all this other $$ stressers ontop of it you know. THank you though very much.

Melissa

[Anikaca77]

He said that he won't be putting his ring back on until I stop the pissy attitude. I'm going back to my sister this weekend because she is having surgery tomorrow, I'm not sure how I'm going to come up with the cash to get there and back. I'd ask her for $$ but she has to pay $500 tomorrow for her surgery it's a dedutible thing, and then she'll have to pay out another $500 for the proper orthodics. So I can't ask her but I'm hoping with me being gone from Thursday late in the evening till Sunday it will give us a little time to think about whether we really do want this to work and if it can work. I love our cats so much and he does too. We would both suffer there with missing the 5 we wouldn't have.

I can't take out any loans through my retirement fund which if I could I would really consider doing because I really could use the extra cash to get caught up on everything.

Thanks for writing to me.
Melissa

[pomtzu]

I can't take out any loans through my retirement fund which if I could I would really consider doing because I really could use the extra cash to get caught up on everything.


A lot of plans (401's anyway), have a "hardship" clause. Have you looked into this?

[Anikaca77]

A lot of plans (401's anyway), have a "hardship" clause. Have you looked into this?

I'll check, I've taken out loans before and they allowed me to do it but now they say that I don't have any funds available. The payment comes directly out of my check at the end of the month but I know my employer wouldn't be very happy about me taking out another loan. I don't think they really understand tough times though.

Melissa

[Cataholic]

He said that he won't be putting his ring back on until I stop the pissy attitude. I'm going back to my sister this weekend because she is having surgery tomorrow, I'm not sure how I'm going to come up with the cash to get there and back. I'd ask her for $$ but she has to pay $500 tomorrow for her surgery it's a dedutible thing, and then she'll have to pay out another $500 for the proper orthodics. So I can't ask her but I'm hoping with me being gone from Thursday late in the evening till Sunday it will give us a little time to think about whether we really do want this to work and if it can work. I love our cats so much and he does too. We would both suffer there with missing the 5 we wouldn't have.

I can't take out any loans through my retirement fund which if I could I would really consider doing because I really could use the extra cash to get caught up on everything.

Thanks for writing to me.
Melissa

I find myself, sometimes, in such a tizzy that I don't stop and look around, and really examine where I am going and where I am, presently.

When I read the above, about you going to your sister's, the first thing that came to my mind was WHY? You have no money, you have, seemingly, no extra energy right now to devote to anyone, let alone yourself, WHY are you doing anything but taking it very, very, very easy in terms of stress, emotional and physical demands (whether it be your sister or your husband, or rescue cats), commitments, etc.

To me- IMO- you need to stop, and relax (as much as possible), say 'no thank you' to any extra time commitments/activities, etc. You need to say to your husband, "for the time being, let's just agree to co-exist without ANY 'heavy' talks". You need time to sit and reflect and stop the pin-ball actions that are sending you in a different direction at every term. You need to let go of trying to control this situation that for the time being has no possibility of being controlled.

I would stop posting stuff on Craigslist, I wouldn't ask my employer for money, I wouldn't go to my sister's, I wouldn't do anything unless I absolutely had to for my personal safety. I would just stop. And rest. And reflect. You are in such a state right now that I fear for your mental health.

[pomtzu]

I'll check, I've taken out loans before and they allowed me to do it but now they say that I don't have any funds available. The payment comes directly out of my check at the end of the month but I know my employer wouldn't be very happy about me taking out another loan. I don't think they really understand tough times though.

Melissa

I definitely would not, advise you to take out a loan with anyone at this point! That would just be adding more fuel to the fire. I thought perhaps you had a 401K plan where you had some funds built up (this is your money and not your employer's). Most plans allow for early withdrawal for hardships, altho the reasons to qualify are pretty tough, and taxes on it are very steep.

And I really have to agree with most of what Cataholic said. Please take care Melissa.

[carole]

yes honey you don't need to be adding any stress in to your already very stressful life Johanna has a good point there,maybe you feel you need to be there for your sister, i can well understand that and maybe the break from your husband might do you both some good, but think hard on it before making the decision to leave, the same problems will still be there waiting for you when you get back, but it might give you both some time to reflect on the situation, i guess only you can decide what is best for you and your relationship right now.

Tell me what does your husband mean by your pissy attitude, i am not really sure what that term means, or what he means by it, do you yourself think he is right?

I can only wish you well and hope that things improve,both emotionally and financially and soon,take care and hugs and remember i am here for you.:love::love:

[Scooter's Mom]

Tell me what does your husband mean by your pissy attitude, i am not really sure what that term means, or what he means by it, do you yourself think he is right?


Only playing devils advocate here - we're only seeing 1 side to the situation and from her husbands viewpoint things could be very different. I'm not saying they ARE different, but that from his viewpoint they could be.


I hope you find some relief and are able to rest and heal - mentally and physically. And find some healing in your relationship as well.

[cassiesmom]

Thoughts and prayers for Melissa, and a candle
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=10590464