I just can't believe this...panic in gut UPDATE: #22; finally an email

[Catty1]

Okay, I'm a person 'in recovery' and I know it's a process...

met N. end of March...

We had a spat now and then...he has 29 years recovery in 2 addictions....

I guess gambling was left

Argument last Thursday...

Was home to rest and go to work Saturday night...

No word since. Has cell. Left calm messages...also telling him that if he didn't contact by noon today, all clothes would be packed.

They are.

Ex-wife says when he is gambling he gets violent.

Leaving on cruise Sept 10. Hate to have to get the locks changed. But I have to.

I hate having to. I hate the addictive sickness and him going over the edge.

Kind of a nightmare. I put me and him and everything in God's hands.

This just makes no sense...no sense...

I am not perfect, far from it - but for N. to get outbursts of anger and run away...that doesn't help solve anything.

Prayers, please. :(:(:(

[Catty1]

I know....but rats he has the keys! Will get that looked after, though.

[Queen of Poop]

Get those locks changed NOW!!!!!

I'm sorry this is going on, but don't procrastinate. You need to be done with him. He needs a wake up call. Change your locks, go on vacation and deal with the rest when you come back, rested and relaxed.

[Scooter's Mom]

Please send the kitties somewhere safe while you're away on your cruise.

[Catty1]

Re: kitties...they are already being boarded at the kennel where I used to work. Mom and I decided that the first day N went back out.

I've already emailed my property manager (fastest way to reach her) and asked about switching out the lock. It's possible that our handyman has a couple with keys lying around. If not, local hardware store will have some.

I am not all that concerned about him arriving while I am here...it's while I am away.

My downstairs neighbour, former railway cop, has been notified to keep an eye out.

And his other friends have been put on alert.

The damn thing about situations like this is that there was some GOOD in it...damn...

But N has to get healthier before he can even think of setting foot back in here.

It's just a true shame, and a waste of a human being...that's what it is.

Thank you ALL for the cautions...I am getting everything together, no worries.

[Pinot's Mom]

Prayers for everything to be OK.

[Medusa]

Some good is not good enough. But you know that, Candace, so I won't rub salt in the wound by harping on it. You deserve better and this much drama is not going to improve. It's bound to happen again only maybe next time it'll be worse. I'm glad that if it had to happen at all that it's happening now. Be rid of him, get the locks changed ASAP and go on that cruise w/a new beginning before you. Prayers going up for you right now, girlfriend. :love:

[MoonandBean]

Sorry this is happening! You have gotten good advise. I will add Al-Anon if you're not already doing that. {HUGS}

[moosmom]

Medusa is a wise woman. Out to the curb with him and change the locks ASAP.

My daughter is engaged to a recovering alcoholic and he is wonderful. However, I do worry about relapses. I'm not one to point fingers because I've had relapses (the last one a year ago and believe me IT WAS AWFUL AND EMBARASSING). We talk and he said that his 7 year old son was what opened his eyes and made him realize he had a problem. He's been sober since.

I dated a guy who was in recovering as well. We looked out for each other, went to meetings together, etc. He turned out to be a real jerk, cheating on me. THE END. I'm glad I'm single.

Hang in there Candace. Stay strong for YOURSELF and your furbabies. You don't need someone like that to drag you down and jeopardize your sobriety.

[Catherinedana]

Candace,

His addiction is not your responsibility nor is it your cross to bear. Be strong, do the right thing and take care of yourself. You deserve the best in life! :love:

Cathy

[Catty1]

Thanks, guys!

M&B - I went ROARING to an Al-Anon meeting on Friday - we have two here a week. Usually I am down the hall with my Bill friends - got a bit of good natured teasing afterwards about 'going to the other side' LOL.

Will make Fridays my meeting night...Monday is my home group, so may go back and forth.

Yes, I KNOW the stuff you say I know. :D Waiting to hear about the locks. As it turns out I don't have to go anywhere this morning and am supposed to call a guy in program about storing all this stuff in his garage.

[Alysser]

Catty, I am so sorry this is happening right now. Just remember, it's not you who needs to straighten out. I hope everything goes well and it'll work itself out, I promise. many (((Hugs))):love:

[phesina]

Candace, prayers for you. I am sorry you are going through this. As for advice, I agree with everyone else.

Take care. Love and hugs and purrs to you,
Pat, Peony, Sydney, Poppy, Elmer, Bob, and Sparkler

P.S., one of these for you, too: http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=9092090

[cassiesmom]

Prayers for everything to be OK.

from here too

[K9karen]

One thing I love about you, C, is that you're so wise and strong. If anyone can handle this, you can. Of course it's horrible, but you're doing the best thing. I just want you to be safe and happy. You know I adore you. :love:

[carole]

I agree, you know how to handle this and you will do it just fine,try and relax and enjoy your cruise, don't let this spoil it for you.:love:BTW where are you going?

[Catty1]

The Cruise - we fly to Montreal on September 11. The following day, we board the MS Maasdam, which happens to be the first ship on which I ever worked (piano bar!). We are doing the New England - fall colours cruise.

Day 2 - Quebec City. We're doing 2 shore excursions.
Day 3 - at sea. Rest up from Day 2!
Day 4 - Charlottetown PEI, where we visit Anne of Green Gables fame. (Just remembered we have a PTr in PEI!)
Day 5 - Sydney Nova Scotia. Some walking tour of old rich houses...was talking with a guy today who is from Sydney. Many many people have cancer as a result of the toxins from the old steel mill.
Day 6 - Halifax NS: My cousin and his wife and two boys live there. Kirsten will be meeting us and hauling us off! She loves doing that.
Day 7 - Bar Harbour, Maine. Maybe THIS is where we are doing the walking through some old rich houses. Can't recall.
Day 8 - Boston. Trying to find out about do-able parking for Karen...another friend is doing the research.

Day 9 - Fly to Ottawa, then Calgary!

[Catty1]

Wee update - friend who knows N took all the suitcases today and one blue bin, and they are all locked in his garage.

My mom said I should get the computer out of there! (N's computer).

I also just remembered his home theatre is here (minus huge screen).

I'm not there yet...but wonder if I should try and sell some of this to get some money back?

Not sure I would get much for it.

Anyway, today is ok. Still no word from him...and all the stuff he left here - clothes etc.

I just might put in another missing persons report tomorrow. This is insane.

[carole]

Candace your trip sounds wonderful, i would love to visit Canada one day, it is so pretty, just you go and ENJOY yourself girl and try and forget about N,he is old enough to sort himself out, but i know one worries all the same, take care now.

[Catty1]

My FaceBook Horoscope was really interesting for today! (I DO have to look into a money matter that could be a bit nasty, though not fatal!)

At some point during the day, Cancer, your attention will shift away from money matters. This shift may be due to a sense of relief, which could very well come from a sudden or brilliant solution to a problem you've been having with someone. Sometimes we can see that a big problem can be resolved by a little adjustment, but we just can't figure out what the adjustment is. Today is one of those days on which you figure it out. Also, a misunderstanding with a friend will be clarified, much to your relief, because it may have looked like things were headed in a really bad direction between you.

I don't take it as written in stone...but this happens to be spot-on for possibilties.;)

[Catty1]

An email! I will post the one I sent August 29th, and his reply just now, today, September 2nd.


Hi, N:

I miss you and hope you come home.

If we need to make a decision, let's talk. If you want, we can meet with Harry or Greg[chaplain/priest].

It's been a hard go the last little while. I get very uptight about finances - one of my defects - and I am sorry I took that out on you. You are doing and have been doing your very best to get on your feet, and have done a great job. You have really stuck to it, and I do admire you for that.

As for my trip - the cats have been set up at a boarding kennel.

If you are definitely not coming back, and you find a place to stay here or in the city, let's please arrange to move your stuff before I leave so I can have an extra set of keys for someone.

I love you.


Hi there, I love you too.

However, I need to work some stuff out right now. I missed my kids very much as you know. I had to see them.

As far as everything else goes, I apologize. It's been rough all around.

I need you to stop contacting all my friends and acquaintances. That almost sounds like stalking lol.

As for any, all and sundry monies owing, I can only transfer $1000 at a time. You know that, it's the way the system works.

...I was sure I signed the check, but I probably did the same thing as D.[an employer who goofed the same way]

I'm looking for suitable full time employment or training. Turns out there's training coming available for Bookkeeping and LPN. Imagine, me, a nurse. How cool is that?

Not much else I can say for now. I heard from B.[buddy where his clothes are stored]

Talk to you later.
Norm


Hi, Norm:

I am so very glad to hear from you. I just didn't know what was going on. L didn't mention you gonig to see your kids. I hope you had a good visit.

I wanted to work things out, Norm. Even if you stayed somewhere else in town - and we met.

Should I not change the lock on this door? The cats will be boarded while I am away. But with you seeming to totally disappear and leaving all your stuff here, I was making decisions on my own without your input, and I figured you were not coming back at all.

I never cared if you had just part time or full time...I understand your rush to make a lot of money quickly - I really do! (been there!) You and I could only contribute what we could. It's a beginning.

My "fraud" comment - I apologize. With no contact from you, you admitting to spending all Friday night in a casino, and your card playing online (which, yes, L told me was start of a gambling problem, which has apparently been the toughest for you to kick) - forgetting to sign a check can happen to anyone. But in this context, I hope you understand why I got frightened.

Are you in [city] right now?

I love you. But let's communicate when we can...

HUGS

Candace

PS Am not trying to stalk you...just trying to hear from you. Leaving decisions all up to my alcoholic mind is not the best idea! lol

[Medusa]

Candace, this has me concerned on several levels and perhaps I should keep my mouth shut but since you felt ok w/posting your back-and-forth emails to each other, I feel ok w/commenting.

He told you to stop contacting all his friends and family members yet it's ok for him to get angry and disappear for a few days? If he needs to work some things out, as he stated, then he should've said that BEFORE he left, not after.

Owing money is never good. Makes me very nervous. Not signing the check? Makes me equally as nervous.

You asking if you should not change the lock on the door: not an option I'd give someone who first ran roughshod over your feelings, then totally disregarded them, then scolded you for contacting people because you were worried about him.

Gambling? Yes, I know he's in a program and people do backslide. I'm not judging, just saying that if you're sharing money and/or expenses, you could find yourself in the poor house very quickly and judging from his previous responses to you, he's liable to turn it on you saying that you knew all along that he had a gambling problem.

Candace, I know only too well what it's like to be in a relationship w/someone who has addiction problems. This isn't a judgment of Norm; I'm not that smug, but my antennae went up and stayed up when you first said he was missing in action and he seems awfully callous in regards to your feelings in all this. I care about you, even though we've never met in person. I know that you have a good heart. I just hope and pray that you're not an easy mark. Please take this post in the spirit in which it was written, w/love. I didn't PM you because you've bared your soul for everyone to see and this situation is more or less an open book, so I apologize in advance if you had preferred that I had PM'd you instead. I guess I'm hoping that others will concur w/what I said.

[Moesha]

I am sure that hearing from him calmed that "panic in gut" feeling. And I am glad you received a response finally. Honestly though, the response he gave really concerned me as well. I couldn't believe you asked him about changing the locks either. I really hope you know what you are doing. We are here to support you. Please understand that and know that people here really care.

[Catty1]

Hi, Guys.

Yeah, my reply to him was immediate and rambling. The locks thing was silly!

I'll mail him his hard drive - and I WILL sell his computer and home theatre system!

Just had a really good talk with Greg...and he didn't like the tone of N's reply - basically blaming me for everything, in a passive way.

I will go to the bank in person ASAP and see if they can do more than transfer $1,000 at a time. I am picking up the unsigned check tomorrow.

Looking for full time and maybe education? He was doing that here. woo hoo...

Something that takes addicts a while to acquire, if they ever do, is accountability - that their actions have the power to hurt people. They think it is all THEIR problem, and affects no one else.

Still will change the locks. Wish the guy would call!

I'll go buy one and do it myself!

THANK YOU GUYS.:love:

Candace

[cassiesmom]

Dear God, could you please give my friend Catty1 a restful, peaceful night tonight. Just one more week before she leaves on vacation. Please bless the situation with her and N., and wherever N. is tonight, please keep him safe. Please bless Catty1, God and please guide in this situation. Thank you, AMEN

:love:
elyse

[Cataholic]

Like Medusa, I am posting only because you posted the email exchange. When I read it I immediately thoughty you were asking permission to be treated poorly (should you change the locks when safety dictates you should, wanting things to work (when you said he wasn't being good to you), needing to make a decision (when he left, a decision HAD been made), and your willingness to let HIS money problems be your 'problem' (you apologized for being uptight about money...no need to apologize for keeping your house in order, IMO).

No one, not even people in recovery (or re-recovery as the case may be) are responsible for other people's feelings. He should own his and you should own yours. It doesn't sound like either one of you are in line with that, and that causes problems. Irrespective of the problems those struggling with addiction might have. .,,,,,,,,(Monte made those comments immediately proceeding, apparently, the 3 square feet of table space wasn't clear enough for him to walk on and he needed to walk acoss the keyboard).

You met him 5 months ago, just curious as to how much 'good time' there has been versus this type of thing. When I hear that someone in his age bracket (if he has 29 years recovery, he is at least 35, right? LOL, maybe he started super, super young? I gave him 5 years before his addictions kicked in) goes MIA, that is a little off, to me. I might have gone MIA at 14 (for 5 hours, he he he), but, at 35? Not likely. And, 29 years into recovery, I would think HE knows the way by then, hit up his sponsor, hit up a meeting, hit up someone that can help him in the immediate crisis. (Don't mean to imply that a 29 year recovered person can't fail, he can, we can, I can (not in an addictive sense, just fail at things in general). But, after 29 years I would think he knew he was headed the wrong way and seek help before, not lay the guilt and drama at another's doorstep.

My short answer? You deserve better, and the sooner you realize it, you will be able to seek out other healthy, happy adults to have a relationship with. He isn't it.

[Lori Jordan]

You are all right you DESERVE better!He seems the type that thinks he is doing no wrong,and in the meantime having you believe that you are doing wrong.Some men are like that,not all but some.He walked away.Even if he did come back i cannot see this being a healthy relationship,He is too far into denile.

I would change the locks,I would not allow him to come and get anything of his,If he wants to be that way take his belongings to a friends place so you dont have to have any initial contact,Show him your not putting up with what he is doing to you,Maybe when he sees that he will change his ways with you,If not its better for you,You will only have 5 months in and not 10 years.

I hope you Enjoy your vacation! I think it will be good for you to take your mind of things.

[Catty1]

Thank you again, EVERYONE.

I felt kind of weird a bit after posting the emails - I did NOT want to be a drama queen...but there they were, so I left them.

And you all are right. I am getting the lock changed. I haven't heard from the handyman yet (N is still in the other city, so even if he left now it is 15 hrs straight driving), so I will call the property manager and ask her if I can buy a single deadbolt myself. I have my Reader's Digest book - they look pretty easy to install! :D

His personal property - clothing, coffee pot, lamp etc - are stored at a friend's place in a locked garage. So he knows where it is.

I just have to pack up his books. As for the equipment - laser printer needs a cartridge, but is brand new, so that is mine; I am planning on selling the compute tower sans hard drive and his home theatre system. I'll put it against what he owes me. ;):D

And you are right too - he is acting like he did nothing wrong. You know the old joke about how many addicts it takes to change a light bulb? Just one - they hold it and the world turns around it! :p:rolleyes:

Johanna - he's 54. So there ya go. And yes, a lot of this stuff has to be learned with the heart and spirit - like ACCOUNTABILITY.

If other people want to post here, that's great. But we can also let this thread move down the ladder and PMs are welcome.

Clearer head today, cold and cough notwithstanding.

Thank you again with all my heart.:love::love::love:

[pomtzu]

Thank you again, EVERYONE.

I felt kind of weird a bit after posting the emails - I did NOT want to be a drama queen...but there they were, so I left them.

And you all are right. I am getting the lock changed. I haven't heard from the handyman yet (N is still in the other city, so even if he left now it is 15 hrs straight driving), so I will call the property manager and ask her if I can buy a single deadbolt myself. I have my Reader's Digest book - they look pretty easy to install! :D

His personal property - clothing, coffee pot, lamp etc - are stored at a friend's place in a locked garage. So he knows where it is.

I just have to pack up his books. As for the equipment - laser printer needs a cartridge, but is brand new, so that is mine; I am planning on selling the compute tower sans hard drive and his home theatre system. I'll put it against what he owes me. ;):D

And you are right too - he is acting like he did nothing wrong. You know the old joke about how many addicts it takes to change a light bulb? Just one - they hold it and the world turns around it! :p:rolleyes:

Johanna - he's 54. So there ya go. And yes, a lot of this stuff has to be learned with the heart and spirit - like ACCOUNTABILITY.

If other people want to post here, that's great. But we can also let this thread move down the ladder and PMs are welcome.

Clearer head today, cold and cough notwithstanding.

Thank you again with all my heart.:love::love::love:

I hope he doesn't try to get back at you for selling his electronics, but then he left the things there, with no obvious intention of returning, so he probably lost his legal right to them.
I'd check it out from a legal standpoint tho, just to CYOA!

[Catty1]

pomtzu - am doing that. Mom, Mary and you have all suggested that! :D

[jennielynn1970]

Gosh Candace, I'm reading all this now, and all I can think is, change the locks, and don't look back. Seriously. It sounds like he's just going to drag you down with him where ever he is going to. And "forgetting" to sign the check... sure. Whatever on that one. I'm not buying it.

Get any money back that you can, get the locks changed, sell what remains, and don't look back. You deserve much more than what he has to offer you.

Hugs... Jenn