I'm Torn...His family or Mine?

[k9krazee]

In the big scheme of things this is a very unimportant thread, but I thought that writing this out and getting some feedback might help me. This upcoming weekend seems to be a popular one. Since I can't be multiple places at once, I'm torn on what I should do.

Background:
-In April the boyfriend's mom asked me if I wanted to go to a combined baby and bridal shower with her. I agreed then.
- I forgot about it and in June planned a weekend get together with some friends.
- Then in late July was reminded of the baby/bridal shower and affirmed that I'd go and canceled the friend get together.
- Recently I was informed my Grandpa's 80th birthday party would be this weekend as well.
- They're not anywhere near the same parts of the state - so I can't even do both.

So now I'm sitting here contemplating on which one to go to.

Grandpa's Party:
Grandpa's health isn't too good lately, and this will most likely be the last big birthday party that will be thrown for him. That alone makes me feel like I need to go.

I haven't seen Grandpa much this summer. I missed the family reunion this year because I was doing something with Rich's family. But every single time I do see him he puts me down and only has negative things to say about what I look like or what I'm eating.

If I did this I'd be alone all weekend and at the party on Saturday. Rich wouldn't come down to stay with me because he needs to study for his final exam. I'd get to see my parent's though, and I haven't seen them in a few weeks.

Baby/Bridal shower w/ Rich's Mom
I'd drive up on Wednesday to bf's parent's house and get to see Rich for a couple days, go with his mom and spend Friday night and Saturday with everybody.
I'd meet that last few people that I haven't met on that side, and get to know the others more. The people that know I'm coming were very excited that I'd be there and generally made me feel like part of the family. Jack would get to stay with Rich when I'm away (Rich was very excited at the possibility of spending a few days with "his" dog :P ).


But people probably feel like I'm favoring his family more than my own (I missed my family reunion and went to Rich's instead) just because I was given a list of dates for his family stuff way back in April. It's not my fault my family stuff is always planned on a whim with little notice. :/

I can't win. No matter what I do, somebody will not be happy. I'm leaning more towards that baby/bridal shower and sending my Grandpa a card. They're having a pool party on Sunday that I might possibly be able to make.

How do you guys balance family things like this? I'm new at all of this and can already see that things, like Thanksgiving and Christmas with immediate family, are going to become complicated.

[JenBKR]

It's not easy, believe me.

I'd think about who the parties are for. How close are you to the person for whom the baby/bridal shower is for? How close are you to your grandpa? If this does happen to be your grandpa's last birthday and you didn't attend, how would you feel?

If you want to go to your grandpa's party, you could talk to your boyfriend's mom and explain that unfortunately your family plans everything last minute, and as much as that may drive you crazy you don't want to miss this birthday party. On the other hand, you could tell your family that you have had plans for the baby/bridal shower for months and you are unable to change. Good luck, not an easy decision!

[happylabs]

I would go to the Grandfather's birthday party. Blood is thicker than water as they say. I think his family will understand and if they don't, that would concern me.

[caseysmom]

Are you saying your grandfather criticizes what you wear and what you eat?

If thats the case I wouldn't want to go to his party, sorry life's too short.

[Karen]

As you have a prior commitment to the bridal shower, I'd say go to that, but take time out (you know how they can drag on and on) and call the party on your cell phone, and ask to speak briefly to family members. Explain you had already mad e this commitment, but next time, if you know in advance (this being a big hint to them) you can come to their event.

If you were close to your grandfather, I'd say the opposite, but it sounds like you are not terribly fond of each other anyway.

We worked out early on that Thanksgiving is with Paul's family, Christmas with mine, and the rest flowed pretty smoothly.

[Freedom]

Go to Grandpas' party and see your folks.

And explain about the planning on a whim thing to the other side.

[sparks19]

this is a tough situation.

Being in between two families is really tough... I am in the same boat as you a lot of the time. My dad always makes flippant comments about how I spend all my time with Brians family instead of with MY family. and it really irritates me. I don't spend more time one place than the other. for crying out loud I just spent 5 WEEKS up in canada with my family and one week with Brians parents and then one more week with them in december. hardly equal time.

Anyway... I would be hesitant to spend my weekend with someone who just makes me feel bad about myself. If you are feeling like you should go because of what everyone ELSE will think then I suggest you stick with your original plans. YOu will not have any fun and likely will jsut be made to feel more miserable if you aren't doing it because it's what you want to do. But if you REALLY feel like you should go I would call Rich's mom and talk to her honestly about it. Just tell her that you hate to break the plans becuase they were made first but that you really feel that this could be your last chance to see your grandfather but you still want to send a card or gift for the shower. I'm SURE she will understand. Just be honest with her about the whole situation. she might be a little bummed but I bet she will see your point of view :)

Good luck... this stuff is never easy

[lizbud]

THis decided it for me,

"I haven't seen Grandpa much this summer. I missed the family reunion this year because I was doing something with Rich's family. But every single time I do see him he puts me down and only has negative things to say about what I look like or what I'm eating."

Sounds like a real downer for me. You could send a card or flowers instead.
I'd vote for the baby/bridal shower.

[finn's mom]

Normally, I'd say without hesitation...go to your grandpa's birthday party. But, if he's just going to crap on you, I'd say the only thing I'd question is this... if you **don't** go to the party, will you have regrets later if this truly does end up being his last hoorah?

Personally, I'd still go to the birthday party, even if I knew he'd be crotchety...give him a hug and a card and then hang out the rest of the time with the other members of my family. ;)

That's a tough spot, either way, and I don't envy your having to make the choice. Go with your heart, though, and just expect to rattle a few feathers whatever your decision. But, it's your choice, not anyone else's. Make it and stick with it, and don't let anyone make you feel badly!

[CountryWolf07]

I have been in the same boat as you. However, I would choose going to your grandfather's birthday - if it was his last hurrah, I would go anyways - despite the fact he says these things - I would think, if you didn't attend, it would definitely NOT look great on your side with the family. I know it's tough, very tough, but family comes first. :)

[M&M's Mommy]

I, too, would go to your grandfather's birthday, specially when his health is failing and this could be his last birthday party.. If you don't go, and God forbits he won't have another birthday for you to celebrate, you'll regret it for life.

Your bf mother should understand. The most negative thing she could talk about you not being able to attend the baby shower is that you put your family first - and that, in my opinion, is not a negative thing at all.

[moosmom]

Your Grandfather's 80th birthday is far more important. Any way you can make mini visits to all of them. This way no one can really be heart.

Good luck!!

[Twisterdog]

I would go to Grandpa's party. Time is short. My dad passed away at age 82, and I would give almost anything for one more day with him. Even if your grandpa is grumpy, I'd go. I bet we are going to be grumpy when we are 80 and dealing with aches and pains of old age, too.

Like someone else, if his family doesn't understand that ... red flag.

[happylabs]

THis decided it for me,

"I haven't seen Grandpa much this summer. I missed the family reunion this year because I was doing something with Rich's family. But every single time I do see him he puts me down and only has negative things to say about what I look like or what I'm eating."

Sounds like a real downer for me. You could send a card or flowers instead.
I'd vote for the baby/bridal shower.

Somehow I missed the part about him making negative comments but I still say go to his party anyway. My father is 86 years old. He is a very negative person. He is always putting my mom down and they have been married for over 60 years. I seriously do not think he realizes what he is doing. They are from the OLD generation which, thank God, I am not! I would never stayed with my father if I were my mom. Anyway, that being said, I would go to the Grandpa's birthday party. Like someone else said, if he doesn't get to have another birthday you will probably regret it for a long time.

[Daisy and Delilah]

This is very very tough!!

I think I would go to your Grandfather's party if I were you. For obvious reasons and what others have said.

Some people are just more vocal in their opinions than others. Sometimes it's easier for people to speak out loud about what they're thinking rather than holding it in. Also, some people seem to find fault with many things, whether they need to or not. I wouldn't relish the thought of someone putting me down either but I think you might regret it if something happens and you didn't go.

I think your BF's family will understand. Best wishes to you in this. I wouldn't want to be in your position.

[kitten645]

My original thought was to go with your first commitment. However, you need to think about how you'll feel afterwards. I think you might regret not seeing your Grandpa especially since he's getting on. You might want to consider his age when he puts you down and let it slide. Family is important. How would you feel if you didn't see him again? Would the criticizim be too hurtful for you?
I think Rich's mom would understand your not going with her since it is YOUR family. However, if you are going to feel bad/negative being around your family, go to the shower. Life is too short.
Claudia

PS, I learned very early on to have a calendar in you purse at ALL times and write it down!

[sparks19]

the only thing I have to disagree on here.....

people keep saying it is "YOUR family and HIS family" but when you are in a committed relationship and I don't know how serious you two really are... but his family becomes YOUR family and YOUR family becomes his family. it kind of melds together. which is why it makes me so MAD when my dad says things like "you don't spend enough tiem with YOUR family... just his family" which not only is it not totally untrue that I only spend time with one side or the other... but ALSO THEY are MY family now too. there is no MY family and HIS family. they are ALL OUR family.

just something I thought should be pointed out depending on your point of view

[K9karen]

Yes, blood is thicker than water. But you already committed to the shower 2x. I think, though, if your relationship with granddad was happier and closer, and if you knew this may be his last birthday, I'd beg off the shower, hoping R's mom would understand, even though the invite came after your promise.
Personally, if a relative criticized me and I'd be on edge and uncomfortable, I wouldn't step a foot through the door. I don't care if someone means well, whatever, it's plain nasty.

[anna_66]

I say do what makes you happy. Life's too short not too.
I'm sorry, I don't agree with just because your blood you should go to his party...especially if he's always putting you down. Sounds like his party would be a downer and I'd think if he treats you that way he more than likely wouldn't miss you being there. A card would be just fine in my opinion.

Good luck on whatever you choose to do:)

[Catherinedana]

I say do what makes you happy. Life's too short not too. I'm sorry, I don't agree with just because your blood you should go to his party...especially if he's always putting you down. Sounds like his party would be a downer and I'd think if he treats you that way he more than likely wouldn't miss you being there. A card would be just fine in my opinion.

Good luck on whatever you choose to do:)

This is the best advice that you have gotten. I have decided to live my life in this manner: I do not do things because I feel guilty or obligated to do so. I do them because I do these things willingly and with love. That goes, especially, for my family. Just because someone is a family member it does not give them the right to treat you badly because, oh well, you love them anyway. Doesn't work like that.

If Gramps is a meanie and hurts you, then you have no obligation to him. If you enjoy time with your future mom-in-law then go with her and be joyful. You can call Gramps and wish him happy birthday and/or make time to see him seperately. You do not have to adjust your entire life to someone elses schedule. Blood is only thicker than water when it is full of love and mutual respect.

Sorry to sound severe, but it has been a lesson learned the hard way for me and I'm passing along my knowledge as I would to a daughter.

Stay strong!
Cathy

[k9krazee]

Thanks you guys. All valid points!

I've never been close with my Grandpa, and every time I've seen him in the last year or two he makes snide comments about my weight, or what I'm eating or how I need to exercise more (even after I lost 25lbs!). I will see him, and the rest of the family, in December for our family Christmas party if I don't go.

R's mom will definitely understand if I go to the birthday party instead. But at this point I feel like his family WANTS me to be around, and mine is indifferent whether I'm at the party or not (except my Mom who pushing me to go to the party).

Normally I'd be the first one to say that you should put family first or that blood is thicker than water. But these people are my future family and I think I would enjoy their company more. There's going to be another get together with my family again this summer for my Grandma that I will make sure I attend. I do like the idea, Karen, of calling and talking with everybody, and will do that.

[Cinder & Smoke]

... he makes snide comments about my weight,
or what I'm eating or how I need to exercise more
(even after I lost 25lbs!).

:eek:
He needs GLASSES, not a party.

WHEN did you ever "need to loose 25 lbs"??? :confused:
You'd blow away in a slight breeze.

Go have *phunn* where you'll be appreciated. :love:
;)

[Daisy and Delilah]

There have been some great points made here. I think Anna makes good sense. Do what makes you happy, not everyone else.

Sometimes, other people's family members might be more pleasant to be around than your own family. If Grandpa makes you feel that bad, maybe it's best if you avoid him. Life is too short to try to please other people and not yourself.

Sorry I said the opposite before. I have officially been taught some lessons here and I appreciate it!!:)