I'm trying to be a good wife....

[catnapper]

but my husband is making it HARD. He's got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from his last job. He needs to find a new one. And he's making the process a miserable one! Finding a job in this market is hard enough, but he's being absolutely helpless!

He's making it doubly hard when he finds a job that in his mind is a PERFECT fit, and if you look at the requirements, he hasn't a hope to even have HR finish reading the resume. For instance, he's a middle school teacher, so what does he find as his dream job? Adult literacy that requires 10 year teaching adult literacy and past experience working with inmates. Ummm..... I doubt 6th, 7th, and 8th grade gang members quite count. He then gets quite hurt when I tell him not to waste his time applying or THEIR time receiving the resume.

I know he's grasping at straws and wants to send out a hundred resumes, hoping ONE of them offer an interview. But he refuses to look at anything within his experience.

I know that the PTSD is the root of his anxiety on the job hunt. I'm TRYING to be patient and helpful. But when he's yelling at me saying I'm NOT helping him..... I want to slap him!

Its not helping that bill collecgtors call a hundred times day, making his money anxiety worse. He NEEDS a job, and he knows it, but he's like a deer in headlights. Completely helpless to move.

[Catty1]

Kudos for being there for your hubby, frustrating though it is!

You two see the same counsellor? Maybe you could talk to him/her?

My thought - don't tell him it's a waste of time. Let him just send whatever he wants, to break the paralysis...he'll find out the 'reality', and heck, who knows? One of the higher-up jobs just might come through!

Let go and let God. ;):love:

[catnapper]

Problem with sending everything out is we're spending a FORTUNE on ink, paper, envelopes, and stamps.

He insists everything go out on cotton paper, inside a folder, inside 9x12 envelopes. NICE presentation, but expensive when you're sending them out for everything and anything. And not ONE has called to set up an appointment. He got 7 interviews last year out of maybe 15 sent, so I know it works. But last year, he tried for jobs he was quailified for. This year, he refuses to try for those jobs. He thinks they'll all give him the anxiety he experienced in his past job.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Is there a particular reason he is sending paper resumes rather than electronic?

I prefer to receive electronic. Harder to misplace, easier to file, sort, etc.

Truthfully, I am suspicious of paper resumes (or faxed.) Do they not know how to use a computer?

Also, electronic resumes are more "green."

[catnapper]

Is there a particular reason he is sending paper resumes rather than electronic?

I prefer to receive electronic. Harder to misplace, easier to file, sort, etc.

Truthfully, I am suspicious of paper resumes (or faxed.) Do they not know how to use a computer?

Also, electronic resumes are more "green."

Actually he's done both. I prefer electronic and send that as often as possible, but many places don't have electronic option. Confused me too!

[Catherinedana]

Maybe it's actually time for a career change. If the job that you are at is giving you an emotional illness, that's probably a good indication that it's time to move on. Does your husband have another talent, hobby, interest that it might be time to pursue?

Case in point: my husband Barry was in the trucking and construction industry for many years. When I met him, he was the plant superintendant of a concrete business (10 years with that company). Well, the construction industry has taken a huge dive and he wasn't pulling in enough hours. He was stressed, they treated him badly, the working conditions were deplorable - he was miserable. He left that job for a similar one and it didn't work out either. . .on to a third which also didn't work out. At that point we decided that it was time for him to go into music full time. He has been a percussionist all most of his life, but just playing occasional gigs (past 7 years or so with a local Jazz musician). He took a workshop, bought some drums (african hand drums), shadowed a local person who was doing something similar and is now a full-time, certified Drum Circle Facilitator! He mostly goes to nursing homes, assisted living facilities and rehabs. The people there love it and so does he. They all drum or have shakers, etc. He sings old time songs with them and many of the Altzheimers patients really respond because he is touching a part of their minds that is still present. We took a chance and it really paid off. I believe that he was getting all the signs that it was time to move on. Sounds to me like it may be the same thing going on in your own husband's life.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I wanted to tell you our story. Take a look at your lives and see if there are alternatives. Change is always good. . .I strongly believe that.

Best wishes and much love,
Cathy

[ramanth]

*HUGS*

Same boat, different issue. I really feel for you. :love:

I'm trying really hard too. We'll see if I'm still married come July. *sighs*

[Karen]

Has he tried volunteering his time for an Adult Literacy Program? No money, but it will count towards experience, and help with networking, and get him out of the house ...

[Twisterdog]

Can you try telling him it would be good to take a job now, even if it's not the ideal job, to get the bills paid ... then he can always quit when the "right" job comes along. You know the truth, that the "dream job" probably will never come, but it helps so much to stroke the ego sometimes.

I also agree that it might be time for a career change. I worked as an accountant and a finanacial analyst. I didn't hate it, it was ok ... but 1/3 of your life is a lot to spend where you don't want to be. So I made a dramatic, and many said foolish, career change. I now own a grooming shop and boarding kennel. Much poorer, but much happier! Maybe he needs to think far outside the box, to what he has always wanted to do.

My husband is also his own worst enemy at times, and I am his scapegoat. I understand your frustrations.

[catnapper]

He apparently felt bad today because he showed up at work (and caught me cruising Monster, while my coworker was scouring Careerbuilder) and he hung out for a while (ok, so we weren't exactly busy at work tonight ;)) I think he shold go for a management type job in retail like me. I think it would make him happy and he'd be good at it. OR he can get off his bee-hind and file the disability retirement papers. It won't pay much, but he'll be able to pay the mortgage each month and allow him to get a part time job while continue watching Cam

While he was a my job, a customer came in and I honestly think he was meant to meet her! She was so wise and said to him how he can't let one job get his soul and to leave teaching temporarily and return later. Just get out, get himself back together, and go back in a few years. She left by giving us both hugs. wow.

[Medusa]

I have no words of wisdom just empathy for you because I've been there w/my (then) husband except that it was our own business that we had to close and start over doing something else entirely. It took a while but he did it and he's more successful in this career than he was in the last. So take heart, my friend. We never know what can happen. Keep the faythe. :love:

[NoahsMommy]

The male ego is very, very delicate. It seems as though they need to learn what they need to learn on their own - the hard way. While it doesn't make much sense to us, its the way a lot of men are wired. Maybe trying the supportive ONLY approach would entice him over to 'your side' of thinking.

As in, only offer him positive reinforcement for the number of resumes and jobs applied for (or whatever job searching he's doing). At least he's applying. When he see's you're only there to be supportive and only want him to be happy (ie: with a job, and feeling good that he can support a family - males are VERY sensitive to that), he'll be more inclined to ask YOUR advice.

Maybe just try that for a week and see what comes of it.

Looking back at my marriage with David, I wish like heck I would have taken a more supportive approach to A LOT of things vs. just me reacting and wanting it done my way. I think that I really would have gotten what I wanted in the end had I only had been supportive - a husband that WANTED to succeed to make ME happy, to support us. :( I can honestly say that if I took that approach, I KNOW in my heart things would have worked out for us. I'm not saying this is "THE ANSWER" for you, but maybe its worth a try.

Whatever works, you'll be in my prayers. Its so hard when the person you rely on isn't doing what we think should be done. Its hard to depend on another human being, especially when things like the morgage and FOOD are in question. I truly feel your pain, Kim, and I hope it all works out for everyone involved.

Hugs & Love,
Kelly :)

[beeniesmom]

Hope he finds a job soon. I know it's difficult.

Hubby had to put up with me when I was out of work.
I know I was difficult to deal with.

Your hubby feels frustrated, inadequate, guilty and helpless.
As soon as he find a satisfying job, things will change. For now, continue to be patient, supportive and try to remember the good times.

Here is a really good job site: www.indeed.com
You just pop in your zip code and voila'.

[catnapper]

I guess you are right.... but its HARD! I have been 100% supportive. Believe me. But there's a difference between support and enabling. He has driven his head so far into a hole in the ground that he can't see the light. We nearly lost our house last month. I borrowed from my 402k to get caught up. His sister pays ALL our bills except the house and car loan. The kids pay the phone bill. He simply hides in the house all day and I swear he's going after the wrong jobs on purpose. I swear he just wants to sit at home and hide from the world. I truly understand how he's feeling but I also know its not healthy, that there IS something out there that will be fulfilling. I found it for myself two years ago.

[Twisterdog]

I guess you are right.... but its HARD! I have been 100% supportive. Believe me. But there's a difference between support and enabling. He has driven his head so far into a hole in the ground that he can't see the light. We nearly lost our house last month. I borrowed from my 402k to get caught up. His sister pays ALL our bills except the house and car loan. The kids pay the phone bill. He simply hides in the house all day and I swear he's going after the wrong jobs on purpose. I swear he just wants to sit at home and hide from the world. I truly understand how he's feeling but I also know its not healthy, that there IS something out there that will be fulfilling. I found it for myself two years ago.

That sounds to me like he might be seriously, clinically depressed. And that becomes somewhat of a vicious cylce ... depressed because he can't find a job he wants, then can't get a job because he's too depressed to function.

[Medusa]

I guess you are right.... but its HARD! I have been 100% supportive. Believe me. But there's a difference between support and enabling. He has driven his head so far into a hole in the ground that he can't see the light. We nearly lost our house last month. I borrowed from my 402k to get caught up. His sister pays ALL our bills except the house and car loan. The kids pay the phone bill. He simply hides in the house all day and I swear he's going after the wrong jobs on purpose. I swear he just wants to sit at home and hide from the world. I truly understand how he's feeling but I also know its not healthy, that there IS something out there that will be fulfilling. I found it for myself two years ago.

As I mentioned previously, years ago when I was still married, my husband and I lost our business. Afterwards, my daily routine was to get my son up for school and get him taken care of and my husband temporarily went to work for someone else. After my son was gone for the day, I stayed in my pajamas and watched TV in the dark. I'd get going before my son came home from school and my husband came home from work so they never knew what I had been doing all day, which was nothing, just hiding from the world. You may find this hard to believe but at the time, I didn't realize that I was depressed. It wasn't until perhaps a decade later that, upon reflection, I realized what had been going on. At the time it was happening, I think I may have felt that I was taking a much needed rest for both my body and my mind, although at that time I didn't even have that rationale.

Your situation is a bit different because you are actually able to see what your husband is doing. One day, though, I just had had enough of doing nothing and I snapped out of it on my own. Perhaps your husband will do the same. I'm so sorry that this is happening and maybe my experience didn't bring you any comfort as I had hoped it would but I just want you to realize that your husband may make the same decision that I made, that it's enough already and he'll get back to living.

[Catherinedana]

Sounds like maybe you can't wait for him to snap out of it on his own. Sometimes you have to offer someone an ultimatum to get them thinking and then acting. You can't live off of his sister and you certainly can't keep going deeper into debt. Perhaps he should seek counseling "or else"? The or else needs to come from you - what are you strong enough to do for yourself and your family?

I've been there too, with my 1st husband. He chose "or else" . . .it was the best thing that ever happened to me!

Sending love,
Cathy

[CathyBogart]

What about looking into getting him on disability for his PTSD? At least that would be some income - an improvement over nothing, even if it doesn't get him off his duff.

[catnapper]

I couldn't really reply earlier because he was reading over my shoulder all the time lately. Not that he doesn't trust me.... its just that I have gotten into the habit of sharing everythign I read, so rather than waiting for me to say, "hon, look at this!" He simply looks before I mention anything. Its ok when I'm reading emails and such, but annoying when I'm playing online games like Tetris! I mess up because he says "why did you put that there?" and have to start all over! :p

Anyhow, I know he's seriously depressed. He's seeing a therapist and he's done wonders. But that only goes so far. He's on meds for depression. He's doing everything he can to get his mind off of feeling sorry for himself. My kitchen is a shambles because he started to rennovate it.... then realized rennovations cost money. So the kitchen is stripped down to naked walls, pine floorboards, and half torn apart. It makes him depressed just to see how icky it looks, and know he can't fix anything about its look until we get several sheets of drywall and such.

His sister is paying so many of our bills. I wish she would just move in with us, so she doesn't have to pay rent. At least she could look at the money she's giving us as rent. You know what I mean? I KNOW that some day, she'll throw the money thing in our faces. I know it. He knows it too. But he is accepting her help because he has no alternative. I think that she pays so many bills is making him depressed too.

There are so many pieces to this situation. I myself am depressed... I have been stress eating like mad. I gained so much weight back. I'm back into the larger XLs. I'm kicking myself for giving away all my larger clothes! But I guess its forcing me to look at my stress eating and get it under control before I have to beg my sister in law to give me her outgrown 1X clothes! :eek: