Kinda nervous about tomorrow

[jennielynn1970]

Tomorrow is my first day back to work/school since almost the beginning of the school year. I took a 1/2 year sabbatical to get my depression under control (which is much much better!), and now I'm just nervous about going back. I have relaxation exercises and stuff I can do, but I'm still nervous. I'm know it's silly to worry about what other people think and say, but it's still something that is in the back of my mind. Part of me wonders if some of the teachers even noticed I as out. The whole time I was out, only 1 person sent me a card about hoping I felt better. My assistant said it was because the principal wouldn't let the secretaries put my name and address in the bulletins for get well cards cause he didn't want to "draw attention" to me being out because I was depressed. LOL. I guess it's good and bad, it just makes you wonder if anyone actually cares.

I guess part of me just wants to go back to elementary and feel like a part of something again. I miss that family feeling. We don't have it at my school, and living alone, well... it's lonely and I miss having family around.

Anyway... that's all. Just me being nervous and silly.

[Karen]

Good luck, and we know you will do well.

[So-Crafty]

Don't be nervous! Keep your chin up! I bet that you'll get lots of "Hi! How are you doing?!" comments. I bet the students missed you too. Let us know how it goes :D

[Lady's Human]

Good luck, and Hugs.

[Cataholic]

You have been gone for 5 months, there should be some nervousness about going back, right? Recognize that...it isn't the same as a two week vacation (don't you wish!). Cut you some slack. I might prepare 1-2 'canned' responses to "how are you" or "what was wrong". People probably DO care, but, don't want to tread on toes, and, really, some people are so busy/caught up in their own lives they might not really have noticed.

Some people will take their cues from you, so, I would try to come up with a couple of things that sound natural, and slightly off-putting as to more questions, and maybe always respond with, "you know, I am glad to be back! Now isn't that just crazy?" That sounds like a question, and can allow the conversation to drift from you to them, and what sort of stuff has been going on.

Good luck.

[Medusa]

Not silly at all, Jenn, but I know that you'll be fine plus you'll have that 'family' connection again. Best wishes for a great first day back on the job. :)

[Taz_Zoee]

I bet you will get a warm welcome. Some children that you thought never knew you existed will probably be glad to see you. Sometimes we touch the lives of children without even realizing it.
You will do fine. And if you need to talk, email me and I'll make it a point to get on IM to talk with you. :)

[Hellow]

Probably the best advice I can offer is to just do what needs to be done, and let nature do the rest :). I said much the same in the chat not long ago, but just thought it would be good to put it here too.

[Daisy and Delilah]

I completely understand, Jennie. After being out for a year and three weeks, I return to work next Monday. I'll be going to another library. I am extremely scared. I hope it all goes well with you and you're able to be happy about going back. I know it's not easy.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[K9karen]

Good Luck Jenn! You're a strong woman, you'll be fine.

If the principal had any smarts, all she would have had to do is state that you're out on medical leave. Period. No explanation. If any of the teachers or faculity wanted details, they could have called you direct. Geeesh. I know some people think depression is like the plague, or that you'll go postal. Too bad. I'm sure a bunch of cards would have cheered you up. But I'm glad you're doing better. It's a tough battle.

[jennielynn1970]

I completely understand, Jennie. After being out for a year and three weeks, I return to work next Monday. I'll be going to another library. I am extremely scared. I hope it all goes well with you and you're able to be happy about going back. I know it's not easy.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

You're a librarian too?? I didn't know that!!! I'll be thinking of you next monday, and will send you a bunch of hugs then too!!! Here are a few for now!! ((((((HUGS)))))

[Scooter's Mom]

I hope tomorrow goes well for you. I know it's going to be hard to go back after a long absence. Shoot, every time I'm out for 1-2 days with my headache issues I hate going back because people don't understand. If you need anything, PM me.

((Hugs)) for a happy and peaceful day tomorrow. Boy are your kitties gonna be mad at you, though! LOL, they're going to miss you like crazy. :) :love: They'll be so happy to see you when you get home, I bet they don't leave your side all night.

Also, I sent you a friends request on MySpace.

[jennielynn1970]

My only card, it was from the one custodian I'm really good friends with. She's the sweetest thing, so friendly and welcoming. We were both in another school together as well. It will be good to see her again!

Breathing deep breaths. I've got my clothes out for tomorrow, talked to a friend earlier and feel better just from chatting about nothing in general. :) I think I'll just do some relaxing exercises and then try to sleep. Eating some Good and Plenty first though, lol. My good luck candies!

[Catlady711]

I hope your butterflies in the stomach take a nap tomorrow and things go very smoothly for you.

[jennielynn1970]

I'm hiccupping like CRAZY!!!! :(

[Cincy'sMom]

Good luck tomorrow!

[caseysmom]

You'll do fine...wear a twilight tshirt:D

[krazyaboutkatz]

Jenn, I hope that everything goes well tomorrow.:) I'm sure it will. Good luck.:)

[jazzcat]

Good luck!

[beeniesmom]

So, how did it go? :)

[jennielynn1970]

I had a panic attack... :(

[caseysmom]

I had a panic attack... :(

Oh I am sorry, I hope your feeling better now.

[Medusa]

Oh Jennie, I'm sorry. How can I help? :love:

[Catty1]

Oh, Jenn...

How about applying at a private school?

What do you need? What can I do?

{{{{hugs}}}}}

[jennielynn1970]

I don't know what to do. I freaked out before I even left. I couldn't get out the door, I couldn't leave the house. I just started hyperventilating, throwing up, my head was just pounding. I was awake most of the night, that didn't help. My ambien didn't do anything to allow me to sleep.

I feel like such a wimp. I'm not a wimp, really I'm not. I just couldn't calm down. I kept getting racing thoughts in my brain and that was just it, it just incapacitated me. :(

I think part of it is also I miss just having someone here to lean on, just to be an emotional support. I just feel alone. I miss getting that hug, that kiss, before going out the door. If my ex wasn't good for much, he at least did that, lol.

[jazzcat]

I'm so sorry. (((HUGS)))

[Hellow]

I don't know what to do. I freaked out before I even left. I couldn't get out the door, I couldn't leave the house. I just started hyperventilating, throwing up, my head was just pounding. I was awake most of the night, that didn't help. My ambien didn't do anything to allow me to sleep.

I feel like such a wimp. I'm not a wimp, really I'm not. I just couldn't calm down. I kept getting racing thoughts in my brain and that was just it, it just incapacitated me. :(

I think part of it is also I miss just having someone here to lean on, just to be an emotional support. I just feel alone. I miss getting that hug, that kiss, before going out the door. If my ex wasn't good for much, he at least did that, lol.

Whenever I start acting like you describe, I generally just try to focus on a single thing or a few things, and allow that to prevail above the other, random thoughts going through my mind. Breathing slow and deep helps too. My mind must work /way/ differently than other people's.

I know how all that feels. Although your panic attacks are probably worse than what I experience, I have asthma, and after long excersise runs, I feel literally like a fish out of water. Somehow, I force myself to concentrate on breathing slow and deep, and the asthma attack stops. Hoping you get better, and if you ever need me, I am /literally/ always in the chat :).

[Nomilynn]

When tomorrow comes, focus on your hug, because I was giving you one :love: I guess I just need to virtually squeeze harder :)

[Daisy and Delilah]

Jennie, I am so sorry. Please don't consider this as something you're doing wrong and make yourself feel worse.
I think you're at a point in your life where it's time for a change. There's something in your former situation that's paralyzing you. Making you freeze up at the thought of going back into it. Like Reggie said, "You're feeling like a fish out of water emotionally". You may be at a turning point. Things will eventually fall into place.

It sounds like you may need more time off to get focused and into the right direction. Don't feel bad about needing more time. You have to take care of yourself. You are number one!!!

Relax and feel better. Please PM me anytime.

Terry
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} We can give you a PT virtual group hug.

[phesina]

Oh Jenn... I'm sending big hugs and the kitties are all digitally weaving in and out around your legs as their versions of big hugs.

[catnapper]

Believe it or not, my husband understands EXACTLY how you feel. He's out on extended disability.... "post traumatic stress disorder" thanks to Pennsylvania's public school system.

[jennielynn1970]

5am here, and still not feeling well. :(

Disability. I don't know that I'd qualify for that. I don't want to take off the rest of the year, because then I can't ever take a sabbatical ever again. I'd like to leave that option open. Just in case. Doesn't help I don't feel good to begin with along with tension and anxiety. My ambien isn't doing crap, so I have to call the doc about that today and see if I can get some Lunesta to knock me out, lol. I haven't slept in days. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted.

Keep me in your thoughts, please. I can definitely use those cyber hugs. You guys are as close to family as I have here.

[beeniesmom]

5am here, and still not feeling well. :(

Disability. I don't know that I'd qualify for that. I don't want to take off the rest of the year, because then I can't ever take a sabbatical ever again. I'd like to leave that option open. Just in case. Doesn't help I don't feel good to begin with along with tension and anxiety. My ambien isn't doing crap, so I have to call the doc about that today and see if I can get some Lunesta to knock me out, lol. I haven't slept in days. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted.

Keep me in your thoughts, please. I can definitely use those cyber hugs. You guys are as close to family as I have here.

I'm sorry. :( You do need to talk to your doctor again and see if he can give you something different. I hope you do better today. I know it's out of your control. Hugs

[Taz_Zoee]

Hey Jennie, I am so sorry about this. :( This is not happy. I hope the doctor can give you something to help you through this.

{{{Big Hugs}}}

[krazyaboutkatz]

Jenn, I'm sorry to hear this.:( I hope that your doctor can prescribe something that will help you. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

[emily_the_spoiled]

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with this. I know that it is not the same as having someone in the house to send you off in the morning, but remember that we are all pulling for you and you are NOT alone :love::love:

{{{{Hugs}}}}

[Karen]

Okay, sending you a strong, bracing face-the-world Peterson family hug.


(If you've ever met one of us in person, you *know* when you've been hugged by a Peterson (my maiden name).

[Daisy and Delilah]

Sending more:

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Take care Jennie.

[Catlady711]

Sorry to hear you had a panic attack, aren't sleeping and meds aren't working.

I've had panic attacks at times myself, even when your head says you're fine, everything else says 'run away'. It's a pain to deal with even with meds for it.

I hope things settle down for you and maybe your dr will give you something so you can get some much needed rest.

:love:HUGS:love:

[K9karen]

Jen, so did you finally get to school yesterday? Did you call the doc for a new script? How are you now? Add me to the hug list.

[jennielynn1970]

I called in for a script for Lunesta. That is some weird stuff. I felt like I was asleep in a way, but I was awake, and yet, I couldn't make myself move. It was really freaky. I kept thinking of that old film "The Serpent and the Rainbow", where they have that sleeping dust stuff, and they're unable to move or speak or whatever, lol. That's what it felt like. I'm gonna give the Ambien another shot. Maybe I just need to be overly tired for it to work again.


SO, it's 5:15am, and I've been awake since 3:15am. I made breakfast, apple pancakes. Took a shower, exfoliated my face with a new face scrub, used a new shampoo and conditioner that is supposed to be invigorating, lol, and even had some nice, new, fresh and fluffy towels ready and waiting for me.

Now I just need to do some makeup, get dressed in work clothes and get there early. The building opens at 6am, so I think I'll get there about 6:30am and allow myself that extra time to just relax and get ready for the day. Maybe I'll stop at Panera Bread and get a house latte while I'm out early, I dunno. I want a hot cocoa with a shot of espresso... that used to totally hit the spot, but the Moravian Book Shop isn't open this early. Guess I'll have to hit Thursdays and have a virtual one!

I think I'm ready for today. Closing eyes and breathing deep!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Good luck, Jenn. You'll be fine. =]

Lots of love and support from me and my frozen furkids in Wisconsin... ;)

[Cataholic]

I hope you make it today! In case you don't, maybe you could do a 'dry run'? Go to work after the busy hours? Maybe just tour the place, and see a few people, get some of the newness out of the way?

[caseysmom]

Your in my thoughts today.

[Taz_Zoee]

Come on Jennie! You can do it!! I will use my mind powers to help you through the day. :)
Well, it's 10:30 there now, so hopefully you are at work and getting back into the groove of things.

[jennielynn1970]

I made it! I'm here!

I've been here since 6:15am, lol! 2 hrs early, but it's all good.

[Medusa]

Come on Jennie! You can do it!! I will use my mind powers to help you through the day. :)
Well, it's 10:30 there now, so hopefully you are at work and getting back into the groove of things.

In keeping w/Taz_Zoee's post, look into my Specs eyes. He says "All hail Specs! Fear my powers! Please...." If you find yourself getting ready to panic, just look at this pic. LOL :love:

[Taz_Zoee]

I made it! I'm here!

I've been here since 6:15am, lol! 2 hrs early, but it's all good.

Woo Hoo!! You've made it over that hurdle. Now nothing can stop you!! :D
Hang in there!! :)

Mary, love the pic of Specs. LOL

[phesina]

hallelujah!!!!!

[beeniesmom]

That's great!!!

[Daisy and Delilah]

Good for you, Jennie!!!! That's the hardest part for me. Once I'm there, I'm okay. Let us know how you're doing. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
YOU GO GIRL!!!:)

[lv4dogs]

I hope things went well today.

[cassiesmom]

More BIG HUGS!

[ramanth]

I hope you have more good days Jennie! *HUGS*

[Emeraldgreen]

I'm sorry I didn't see this post until just now. :( I haven't been on much this past week. I hope that today went really well!! It is so great that despite all that happened the day before, you got yourself ready and made it there. That is awesome.
Not sleeping makes everything so much harder and I hope that you will be able to get a good rest tonight. I've been having trouble sleeping for a week or so and ended up going to the health food store and got a holistic sleep aid. Has stuff in it like wild lettuce and other weird things. The tablets smell awful but they really work. Sleep is so important and I hope that you will be able to get some soon.
I'm sure the anxiety of the first day back was keeping you up but now that you made it back to work, I hope you will feel less stressed. I can imagine that the first day back was scary. It's almost like starting a new job, the first day is always the hardest. I hope that people were supportive and welcoming today. Even if the day itself wasn't great, give yourself a big HUG because you DID IT!!! It's over and I hope each day gets a bit easier. {{HUGS}}

[shais_mom]

hope things are going well!

[jennielynn1970]

I'm back again this AM. 2 hrs early again, lol. I wasn't really nervous this AM, I just had slept 6hrs and couldn't sleep any longer, so I got up again and just got ready. Listened to talk radio, then decided I'll just stop for OJ and I needed tissues for school, so ran into Walgreens on my way to work.

Some of the comments I got yesterday were really funny. I have a group of girls that are just too darn sweet, and too darn mature for their ages in 7th grade. They came barreling up to me when I had lunch duty (woooot! not!), and practially knocked me over. Then they proceded to ask whether I had been "chillin at home wit your man". Ummmmm.... unless my man is short and furry, nope!! The other, was of course I expected this one, had I gone out really early and not told anyone that I was pregnant. Um... again, no. You have to be having sex for that to happen, and that hasn't happened for, geez... don't remind me how long, lol. (I didn't say THAT to the kids though, don't worry!!!)

So, the kids were great, most of the teachers were great, although there were some who had NO IDEA that I was even out. Granted they are in the other end of the building, but GEEZ!!! Do you read the announcements where it says who is out? Do you notice when there is a strange person in the building that you've never seen before? Do you go to the library? (I guess we know THAT answer). But, the people that matter made it known that they were glad I am back and that they missed me.

The one comment that I got that made me teary, and I wanted to beat him for it, was my friend John. He's one of our custodians, and he asked how I was doing (after giving me a hug to take the wind out of me), and he says "Who do you love? Come on, who do you love?" and the thing is, he doesn't want you to say you love him (well, I lie, yes he does, lol), but he wants you to admit that you love yourself. That you are number one in your life. It's hard to say it. It's really hard for me to say it. I put so many other people first, but I know that I do have to put me first. I love John for keeping me balance like that, he's really a great friend.

Anyway, those are just some of the things from day 1. Day 2 is here, and I'm ready to go. Glad it is friday, because tonight I'm going to relax, have some pizza and maybe start writing down why I love teaching, and also why I should love me. What those other people told me why they were happy I was back, and how much they care about me. It is good to know, and a very reassuring feeling.

So.... that's all for now. Gonna get ready for kids coming in about an hour, so will do some reading and straightening up until then.

[Cincy'sMom]

Glad things went well yesterday. Here is to another good day!

[Daisy and Delilah]

Keep hanging in there, Jennie!! You're giving me more strength every day. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} Have a great Friday!!:)

[Emeraldgreen]

How did day 2 go? :)

[jennielynn1970]

Day 2 was LOOOOONG!! I was starved by 10am cause I had breakfast at 3am. Had a salad from the salad bar for lunch, and treated myself to pizza at home at night.

The day went well. Had more kids come in and give me hugs, same with more teachers. It felt really great to know there was that much support.

My assistant is still the same. Still negative. The comment she made about the guy who was in for me was just unreal. She's extremely racist, and some how, admin let's her get away with it. The sub in for me was from Puerto Rico, and my assistant is extremely hateful of anyone hispanic. It's horrible to deal with because we have a lot of students who are from Puerto Rico, Dominican Rep., Mexico... the list goes on. So... I asked how my sub was, and she said he was really great and that he gave a bad name to Puerto Ricans. I was like, HUH?? She said "He works really hard, most of them don't. If more like him are around, they'll actually have to work."

How do you respond to that??? I didn't say anything, cause I had no idea what to say.

She's just as nasty about the black kids in the school. Unless you're white, and a church goer (cause she's just SOOOOO Christian...:rolleyes:), she has no use for anyone.

And people wondered why I hated going to work with her.


Other than that, it was a good day. Lots of books taken out. Lots of happy kids taking out brand new books (because I allowed them to, and my assistant didn't). I had a brand new book order come in right after I left, and it was a $10,000.00 order. The books are fantastic!! New football team books, new sports all around really. New books on forensics for kids, fiction books, biography. It was focused on diversity, because our school is so diverse, so many books for inner city youth and minorities.

I love getting in new book orders! When you get boxes and boxes of new books, it's so exciting! I've already read one new one by Kate Brian, called LUCKY. It's about a girl who is upper white collar and her mom loses her job, and they have to make sacrifices due to that and the economy. Really good book for the girls. The next one I have that I started is about a girl who commits suicide and sends tapes to the people in her life that had something to do with why she was depressed and killed herself. My assistant didn't like the premise, but we have so many kids with mental health issues, I think it's important to put out books that deal with it in a good way and how they can get help. After dealing with Ashley last year, who tried to kill herself on our last day of home bound instruction, the more it really sunk in that kids at this age level are dealing with some really intense issues.

I'll have to do some book reviews for you guys after I get through some of the books. There are a ton that I want to read.

So, yeah, all in all, day 2 was good. Can't get away from the assistant, but I can try to ignore her attitude as much as possible. Just wish admin would do something about her, but they don't/won't.

[K9karen]

Jenn, glad you had a great day! I love books. I think you're a great influence on the kids too. You know what they say..reading is fundamental!

Tell your racist assistance that you don't want to hear her nasty remarks because you don't roll like that. If she can't say anything nice, say nothing, 'cause you won't be listening. If that doesn't work Witch slap her upside her head..Just kidding, but don't let the fool ruin your new, pleasant experience.

[Catty1]

I could feel the excitement you have for the new books that come in! I hope you are still writing down all the things people said about why they are glad you are back!

That assistant of yours - what an unhappy and miserable person. :( Happy people don't think and talk like that. Major PT Prayers for her!

HUGS and you seem to getting back in the swing of things. Maybe having this routine again will help get your sleep straightened out.:love:

Take care.:)