jenluckenbach
12-25-2008, 08:06 PM
Lets start with just a little background info.
my family
I have an older brother and sister (in their 50's)
I am in my 40's
I have a younger brother (in his 30's)
There are 2 adult neices, both married and one with a 6 year old.
1 adult nephew and
1 neice, who is 4.
My older brother always has this group of people, plus my dad, to his house for Christmas eve dinner.
info about me
I suffer from depression. It has always caused me to have a super low self esteem, for one thing. And plenty of self hate.
I am on medicine and I am doing quite well, but during those monthly hormonal times I can still get pretty down.
Dec 21st/22nd were two of those days.
The problem part 1
I talked myself out of going to older brother's house on Christmas eve using the excuse that I had been sick (which I had been, the week before) and I would be too exhausted for a late dinner. the truth was that I felt no one would miss me and they would have a much better time without me. Heck, they might not even notice!
The problem part 2
Then I started thinking that THEY probably think that the reason I cancel is because I don't care about them. From their point of view I probably look like the old scrooge, with no spirit and no love. (when it is really 100% the opposite.)
The solution
So, after midnight on Dec 22nd, when I was having trouble sleeping, and just filled with emotions built up over the years, I sat down and wrote a very PERSONAL message inside each Christmas card.
To my dad, I mentioned all the traits he has that I admire. How I wish I had inherited those traits instead of the ones I ended up with.
To my younger brother, I apologized for being the horrible sister I was when we were growing up. I made it perfectly clear that my actions were not on account of him, but rather stemmed from my own self-loathing.
To my older brother, I told him, for the first time ever, that I have always, and still do, admire and look up to him.
To my sister I wished for a chance to so stuff sisters do. Being 10 years apart in age meant we never actually "grew up" together, but we could start building a relationship now.
My neices and nephews have stories you could not understand, but you get the idea. I even wrote something to all the spouses.
An I went to that Christmas eve dinner and I gave them their cards.
The outcome?
Well, that is yet to be seen. My family does not talk about feeling/emotions. I may never know what they thought of their gift. But deep inside I can know that I took the time to tell them.
Merry Christmas to all
my family
I have an older brother and sister (in their 50's)
I am in my 40's
I have a younger brother (in his 30's)
There are 2 adult neices, both married and one with a 6 year old.
1 adult nephew and
1 neice, who is 4.
My older brother always has this group of people, plus my dad, to his house for Christmas eve dinner.
info about me
I suffer from depression. It has always caused me to have a super low self esteem, for one thing. And plenty of self hate.
I am on medicine and I am doing quite well, but during those monthly hormonal times I can still get pretty down.
Dec 21st/22nd were two of those days.
The problem part 1
I talked myself out of going to older brother's house on Christmas eve using the excuse that I had been sick (which I had been, the week before) and I would be too exhausted for a late dinner. the truth was that I felt no one would miss me and they would have a much better time without me. Heck, they might not even notice!
The problem part 2
Then I started thinking that THEY probably think that the reason I cancel is because I don't care about them. From their point of view I probably look like the old scrooge, with no spirit and no love. (when it is really 100% the opposite.)
The solution
So, after midnight on Dec 22nd, when I was having trouble sleeping, and just filled with emotions built up over the years, I sat down and wrote a very PERSONAL message inside each Christmas card.
To my dad, I mentioned all the traits he has that I admire. How I wish I had inherited those traits instead of the ones I ended up with.
To my younger brother, I apologized for being the horrible sister I was when we were growing up. I made it perfectly clear that my actions were not on account of him, but rather stemmed from my own self-loathing.
To my older brother, I told him, for the first time ever, that I have always, and still do, admire and look up to him.
To my sister I wished for a chance to so stuff sisters do. Being 10 years apart in age meant we never actually "grew up" together, but we could start building a relationship now.
My neices and nephews have stories you could not understand, but you get the idea. I even wrote something to all the spouses.
An I went to that Christmas eve dinner and I gave them their cards.
The outcome?
Well, that is yet to be seen. My family does not talk about feeling/emotions. I may never know what they thought of their gift. But deep inside I can know that I took the time to tell them.
Merry Christmas to all