Gonna be an EXPENSIVE new year!

[catnapper]

But we are more than happy to spend the money....

Ashley is moving out!!!!!!!! You have NO IDEA how many happy jigs we're all doing.

We are giving her all the furniture inthe living room and dining room (excluding my new livingroom tables from Christmas last year and the tv) We're giving her all the pots, pans, utensils, glasses, and the old plate set that we replaced this summer. I spent a fortune on Faberware yesterday but it was so freeing to buy it! We're giving her the bathroom towels, any bedding she wants. We want her out and don't want her claiming we denied her anything or didn't help her.

We already got a price for a new sectional and chair at work (thank goodness I work in a furniture store ;)) and I'm placing the order tonight. We might live on lawn chairs til I can pay it off, but its something we've wanted for a loooong time but didn't get because of Ashley.

In the meantime, she's being a royally ungreatful brat. She wants upscale apartments with pools and turns her nose up at the ones she can actually afford. She'll learn fast enough the hard way.

She is blaming me for EVERYTHING that is miserable in her life. ME?!?! Somehow, I'm the bad person. I guess its easier to blame the wicked step mother than realize your misery is of your own making. Its so ironic to hear her tell her story to strangers -- she sincerely thinks of herself as Cinderella who does all this work while the wicked step mother points her fingers.

Ah... thats why I go to therapy every week. Therapy has been the BEST thing for us. It opened hubby's eyes to how crazy our house has been. We've been living in such utter chaos for so long, he had no idea how truly disfunctional it was because it was his "normal". He's now seen it and is making her move out. She's furious because she wanted to move out, but we told her to do it before she could punish us by storming out on her own. :rolleyes:

Anyway, its going to be an expensive new year, but it'll be the best money we've ever spent!

[shais_mom]

that's great but PLEASE tell me she isn't moving in with the creepy gun guy. Is Cam staying with you?

[krazyaboutkatz]

This is great news!!!:) Hopefully she'll find the perfect place that she can afford so that she won't end up having to move back in with you. I'm assuming that Cam will stay with you.

[moosmom]

WOOHOO!!!! I'M doing a happy jig for ya honey!! She's in denial and in for a rude awakening if she thinks that apartment living is going to be like something out of the movies. Especially strapped with a toddler. And yeah, I hope she's not moving in with the gun enthusiast.

I'm glad Grant has finally opened his eyes. THAT in itself is a great Christmas gift.

[moosmom]

QUICK, change the locks!!!

[catnapper]

We have no idea if she's intending on moving in with the gun guy.... but we'd be surprised if she didn't. They want to get married and I am betting she'll get a ring for Christmas.

My son came to us last night saying the boyfriend talked to him last night and admitted that he is afraid of my husband. Afraid. Does he realize my husband is the biggest pushover in the world? I would love to know the story Ashley's told him about us.

As for Cameron, because of the hours she works, and the reality of babysitting, he'll be living here 5 days a week. She works til 11:00 at night so she'd be stupid to come pick him up at 11:30. Then again, she IS stupid so we shouldn't be surprised if she shows up every night to get him. :rolleyes:

[kuhio98]

Kim ~ I am so happy for you all.

I hate to inject a little bit of negative in this, but to be on the safe side, get a plan that you and Grant agree on for if/when she can't make a go of it and wants to move back home. You and Grant need to be on the same page on that one -- and how you will handle her using Cameron as a bargaining chip. Don't let her work you guys against each other.

[ramanth]

Happy for you!

[moosmom]

Kuhio,

AMEN!!! You are a very wise woman!!

[catnapper]

Kim ~ I am so happy for you all.

I hate to inject a little bit of negative in this, but to be on the safe side, get a plan that you and Grant agree on for if/when she can't make a go of it and wants to move back home. You and Grant need to be on the same page on that one -- and how you will handle her using Cameron as a bargaining chip. Don't let her work you guys against each other.

Trust me, she is NOT going to move back in. Once she's out, she's not coming back. I had a therapy session again today and both my therapist and hubby's therapist agree she's borderline personality. They insist the best way to deal with people with that diagnosis is to not fight with them, not feed into their crap. You need to lay it on the line, "this is how its going to be, and if you don't like it, tough." and then don't argue or get involved in a war of words because we won't win. We just have to grow a thick skin and force ourselves to not care anymore because she's incapable of caring herself. Sounds awful and mean, but its just the way you have to be in order to save your own sanity when a Borderline Personality is in your life. We've been SO much happier since we've been looking at things this way.

[Zippy]

If you think she has a mental illness I would advise you get her help.

here is a link on BPD:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

If she has a mental illness the way she is acting isn't her fault.She needs to see a doctor.

[Twisterdog]

That is a huge relief, I know.

My husband and I are going the rounds right now in a huge way because his grown daughter just got evicted from her apartment for not paying the rent, is behind on all her utilites and got fired from her job. She has a drug problem, and is a MAJOR "female dog". I cannot stand to be in the same room with the woman for five minutes. Plus, she has lived with us FOUR separate times, each time ending in disaster. This time, I said no. I told my husband he was welcome to bail her out and live with her, but it wouldn't be in this house, with me. Ugly ultimatum, I know, but I have had enough. So, time will tell, I guess ...

I fully understand the "evil step-mother" routine. I get blamed for everything from the weather to the phases of the moon. Whatever.

If I had known then what I know now ....

[Laura's Babies]

Yep, you and hubby get on the same page when she falls flat and has nowhere to go and shows back up on your door!

Hay, I told my own son "NO!" when he and his 1st wife had nowhere to go. I told them both, you are where you are because of the choices YOU made, so go live with your choices.. The kids however were another matter, they had no choice so I took the kids in..

[catnapper]

I fully understand the "evil step-mother" routine. I get blamed for everything from the weather to the phases of the moon. Whatever.


You too? Man, we evil step mothers have some major magical powers, eh? :rolleyes:

As for help for Ashley.... you can only help those that are willing to be helped. She still swears she has no problem and I'm the one with the problem. She is 100% classic BPD. I swear, if you look it up, you'll be reading all about Ashley. And the doctor says, most of them refuse to come to the sessions. When they do, its only to see what is being said about them and what the doctor knows. Then when they do talk, its telling a little story to manipulate the doctor's opinion of them. But the doctors know they're being manipulated so it doesn't work.

I've been learnign a lot about BPD.... much more than I ever imagined I would. It breaks my heart to learn the truth about her and the disorder because there's nothing you can do to "cure" BPD. Medicines don't do much because its as if they are robots; they don't know what to feel or how to feel. They think they do, but they are incapable of it. They thrive on making trouble and ruining other relationships. They are often highly intelligent because they have to be one step ahead of everyone else. They are often very good looking and charming when you first meet them.

I found a group meeting that I start going to tomorrow to deal with anxiety related to dealing with Ashley. People are all there for different reasons, but its basically a group that learn meditation techniques and such. There's not much talking aqbout your problems.

[Medusa]

I was in a relationship w/a man w/BPD and believe me, it was no picnic. I was beginning to think that I was the one w/the problem until I started researching on the internet and when I approached him on the subject, he admitted that a psychologist told him that he was BPD and he had been having phone counseling sessions for years. I still tried to make it work but, as you say, there is no cure, only treatment, and they have to want it. He didn't want it and I'd had enough of his manipulation so I ended the relationship. It's an even tougher situation w/you because it's family. I don't envy you but I admire your courage and strength. :)

[jennielynn1970]

She is 100% classic BPD.

It breaks my heart to learn the truth about her and the disorder because there's nothing you can do to "cure" BPD. Medicines don't do much because its as if they are robots; they don't know what to feel or how to feel. They think they do, but they are incapable of it. They thrive on making trouble and ruining other relationships. They are often highly intelligent because they have to be one step ahead of everyone else. They are often very good looking and charming when you first meet them.


Sadly, this reminds me of someone else who had been on pet talk who hasn't been seen or heard from lately. Another one who needs help but refuses to get it, or just gets what she wants out of the docs and then flips out when she feels no one is helping her the way she wants to be helped. I miss her, but I feel much less stressed with her out of the picture.

[moosmom]

Amen, Jenn!!!

[moosmom]

I don't envy you but I admire your courage and strength

You are one strong person, Kim. If all the crap you've been through didn't dampen your spirits, I say you've made it. You're a stronger person than I am. Your "tough love" and your commitment to Grant are to be commended. Have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas!!

[kimlovescats]

You know that I for one know exactly what you are going through. I hope and pray that Ashley will learn and grow once she moves out but you also know how many times my daughter kept coming back and forth. I think we finally have made it clear that she can't do that anymore. It breaks my heart but she refuses to get the help she needs or stay on her medication. EVEN WHEN IT WAS FREE!!!! THAT is where it is frustrating .... the illness is not her fault but you can only help a person as much as you can, then they HAVE to realize they need to help themselves. My daughter is still mooching off of everyone she can find, and although she loves her baby girl, she is nowhere near to trying to make a life for them together. :(

My heart goes out to you all, Kim!:love:

[carole]

Kim i think you have been to hell and back with this young lady, and I am sorry you have been under so much stress,but I am so happy for you that she is finally making the move,and you have been so good to her, better than she deserves by the sound of things, I do have empathy for her too, but wish she would see that she has an illness and get the help she so needs, maybe with maturity she may well see this herself one day, hugs to you both and I hope that life will be better from now on.:love:

[Twisterdog]

they don't know what to feel or how to feel. They think they do, but they are incapable of it. They thrive on making trouble and ruining other relationships. They are often highly intelligent because they have to be one step ahead of everyone else. They are often very good looking and charming when you first meet them.


Yikes ... that sounds EXACTLY like my sister. :eek: