Just need to vent and cry

[jazzcat]

As some of you know my father is 86, not in the best of health and has some dementia problems. I'm the closest child so I take care of him but I still live about 35 miles away. We have hired a caretaker who comes about 30 hours a week but I still go down 1-2 times a week plus I'm on the phone with him many times each day to make sure he's taking his meds, eating and drinking enough and dealing with whatever comes up.

I have two brothers and a sister who live away and we've all agreed that the best thing for Dad is to allow him to live in his house as long as possible since Mom died. This has been going on for 4+ years and it's becoming increasingly stressful for me. I know I'm very lucky that we can afford to hire a caretaker to help and that it could be so much worse for me but I'm so burned out. Every summer I help Dad grow a garden (actually I do most the work) because it's good for him mentally but it's become such a chore and now it's becoming an psychologic problem with Dad because he gets upset when the caretaker takes anything from the garden or it needs to be picked and I'm not getting down their fast enough to help him with it, stuff like that. This morning he called me upset because the caretake took four ears of corn. :rolleyes: Now finally several phone calls and hours later I've gotten him calmed down and realizing he was being petty. It is something like that every day and it wears me out.

Oh well, I'm just needing to vent and my poor husband usually takes the brunt of my stress so I thought I would spare him today and unload here with you guys. I'm not really looking for any advice I just needed to get it off my chest before I burst into tears.

[Karen]

Have a good cry, dear - we have terrycloth for shoulders in my clan. Maybe the caretaker should write down "picked 4 ears of corn, thank you!" so you Dad might feel better, having the "crime" acknowledged?

[Taz_Zoee]

It's okay to cry. Sometimes that helps me feel a little better. And you know you can always come here to vent.
I'm sorry this is so stressful on you, but you will get through it. I think it's great that he gets to stay at home for as long as possible. A lot of children wouldn't want to deal with the "hassle".:rolleyes:
I always think of the crap my parents had to go through with raising three kids. And I figure the least we could do for them when they get older is to care for them as they did for us. And that's exactly what you are doing.
Just think about the times you and/or your siblings probably stressed your parents out. :p They pulled through it and so will you.
So just go have a good cry and snuggle with the kitties.

[jazzcat]

Have a good cry, dear - we have terrycloth for shoulders in my clan. Maybe the caretaker should write down "picked 4 ears of corn, thank you!" so you Dad might feel better, having the "crime" acknowledged?
The bad part about it is that she asked him for them and he said okay but it upset him because he said he gave her a few ears earlier this week and that was enough. I've noticed that recently the dementia is making him very stingy with things.:(

Thanks for the shoulders.

[moosmom]

Jazzcat,

Cry anytime you want. I was in the same predicament when my Dad was alive. The only difference was my dad was a very bad alcoholic. After my stepmom passed away, he lost his will to live and did nothing but drink 24/7. I was his caretaker and there were MANY times all I did was cry. This was before I found PT.

11 years ago they didn't have support groups for children who are forced into caring for elderly parents. I only wish they did. You might want to consider looking into it.

Dementia and Alzheimers are two diseases that to me, along with depression, are the most crippling. When your mind goes, what's left??

I'll PM you with my cell number so if you ever want to talk, call me, okay???

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

Donna

[Barbara]

Lori, I send you a big hug. The bad thing with dementia is it also changes the character of people. And you now deal with a person who is no longer the person you love:(.
My mom passed away last year and this makes me very sad. But I also know that the person she was when she died was no longer the wonderful person she had been before.
I am sure that he feels so much better deep inside by being able to stay at home and having that garden. Wishing you lots of strength.

[Ginger's Mom]

More hugs coming your way, Lori. You are a very strong and loving daughter. I am not sure I could do what you are doing. As has been mentioned by others dementia can change a person so much, because they don't understand what is going on themselves. I am glad that you also have a caretaker to help with some of the day to day things. You have taken on a big responsibility and you can feel free to vent any time you would like.

[catnapper]

I'm so sorry ((((HUGS))))


I can only imagine the stress you're feeling. Please know you can vent here any time you want.

[jazzcat]

Thanks for all the hugs and letting me vent.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Lori, I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this.:( Please feel free to vent here any time. We're all here to offer you emotional support. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

[Cookiebaker]

just wanted to send along a couple of big {{{hugs}}}. Im so sorry about your dad :(

[kuhio98]

I'm so sorry. I don't know what it has to be like this when we get older. My father-in-law was a very kind, generous man. With dementia, he got angry, stingy and mean. I think they're so confused. For some reason they think they're being taken advantaged of. Sigh...........

Any chance that you can get a break next summer? I know your siblings live far away, but could 1 or 2 of them plan their vacation in your area? Let them spend some time with him and give you a break.

[Pam]

More hugs coming your way, Lori. You are a very strong and loving daughter.

More hugs from me too. My mom is even older than your dad and suffers from dementia also. She lives in a nursing home 50 miles from me. It is in the town where she has been living since 1968 and she is there because originally I thought it the best place to be in order for her to have a flow of visitors. Now, years later, I wish she lived closer but I don't want to upset her world and the care there is second to none.

My mom also worried about her possessions early on. I feel that they are a link to the past and happier times. She would occasionally misplace things and think someone stole them. That is not at all uncommon. These days she knows who I am part of the time, but most of the time does not. Your dad is fortunate to still be able to live on his own and get some enjoyment out of his garden. I believe that when they lose interest in things they go downhill rapidly. It is a very sad thing, indeed, to watch a loved one decline like this. I have watched the Alzheimers patients at this facility and there is a clear distinction between dementia and Alzheimers from what I have observed. The dementia patients are just very confused and forgetful while the Alzheimers patients are living more in their own world and can become very combative. It is heartbreaking to visit there at times because I know that each and every one of these people at one time was living a full and happy life. I can totally understand the stress and sadness you describe and invite you to vent and cry any time at all. I doubt that I could carry the load you are carrying. (((hugs)))

[Randi]

Lori, I can't add much but here's a big hug from me too. :) I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I remember how exhausting it was with my parents. Try to keep strong and have a good cry when you need to. When your dad is gone, you'll feel so much better for having been there for him. :)


Big (((hugs))))

[Medusa]

A burden shared is a burden lightened. (((HUGS))) to you. :)

[lizbud]

I'm glad you decided to share this. Our family went through these same
problems as my Mom got older. Like you, it was my younger sister who did
the most checking in & visiting with her because she lived just a few minutes
away. It can get to be a very sad experience as we notice subtle changes
in behavior.:(

Finally, we had to all have a family meeting & made the decision that Mom should be
introduced to a "assisted living". We found a great place where she had
her own apartment & neighbors to visit when she wanted to be social.

[Catty1]

jazzcat - you can vent here anytime!

I know you and your family decided that your dad would live in his own home until the end, and that is fair.

But Lizbud brought up another point - would your dad be a bit happier living where he could meet people and get more social contact? OR - is there a seniors day program that could take him out every day, leaving the burden mostly to weekends?

At some point - not right now - you may want to look at what you and your siblings want versus what is best for your dad.

It's not easy, not at all. My mom is 75 going on 40 - but I still wonder if I will have to deal with anything like this, and when...

{{{hugs}}}

[kimlovescats]

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) Lori! I'm just now seeing this. E-mail me!:love:

[mamaducky]

Wow -- I'm so sorry you're going through this with your Dad. It reminds me so much of how it was with my Grandpa as his dementia progressed -- when he was himself, he'd give the proverbial shirt off his back to anyone in need, but as things got worse, he was convinced that his caregiver (a beloved niece) was stealing from him. (The stuff she had supposedly "stolen" was pretty ludicrous -- a broken radio, corroded batteries...) Sometimes, when Grandpa would come back to himself a little bit, even he would laugh at how ridiculous some of his claims were -- but those times were the exception rather than the rule.

This has got to be heartbreaking and exhausting for you -- and though you never even drop so much as a hint in that direction, if it were me, I'd be feeling as though I were getting an unfair amount of the burden just because of my geographical location. (Like I said, you NEVER bring that up, Lord love you. :love:)

I'm not going to offer you any advice, but I will be keeping you and your entire family in my prayers. You are an absolutely wonderful person for handling this situation with so much love and grace.

Big hugs,
Diana

[jazzcat]

Thanks for all the support everyone. It really does help. I'm feeling much better now. Dad seems to be better too, his thinking is more normal and he's not worked up.

Mamaducky - trust me, I'm not a saint about it. I often feel like I've been stuck with this because I'm the closest but then I tell myself I'm glad I can help.

I've been caring for my parents for most my adult life. They've needed my help since I moved back from Nashville in 1992 whne my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer, then mom was diagnosed with breast cancer plus several other major surgeries and illnesses. It got very intense in 2003 when my mother suffered seven fractured vertebrae and died the next year. It's been non-stop since. Now at age 40 I feel like my career has been caring for my parents. I just wish I could have seen the future and majored in nursing in college instead of public relations -it would have been more useful.

[Catsnclay]

as you know, i too am facing the same problems as you. i too, thought it would be best to keep dad in his own home. wow was i ever wrong. please think about moving him closer to you, to a skilled facility. this was the best thing i did for my dAD, i even think he has improved a bit!

not only will it give you peace of mind, but your dad will be cared for by people who know what they are doing an he will get 3 meals a day.....you can't ask for any more.

pm me if you need to ask more questions. my father adjudted within 2 weeks and is now happier and healthier, even gained a few pounds
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sorry about the typeing - i had thumb surgery and am now a left-handed person for the next 7 weeks. trust me, this is not fun either... think about all the things i HAVE to do without my right hand :eek:

[Medusa]

It's interesting that you said that you feel your career has been taking care of your parents. When I was experiencing much the same thing, I felt the same way. And after my Dad died, I either would stay w/my Mom in PA for a month or so or I'd bring her to OH to stay w/me. I went back and forth to PA for 5 years. It was exhausting. If you think you can move your dad to a facility closer to you, it might be something to think about it. Of course, you alone know the big picture but it could mean a better quality of life for you both. You're a good daughter; never forget that and blessings, both expected and unexpected, will flow to you. :)

[RICHARD]

Been there.

It's not easy extending yourself in that direction.

If it helps you to know, you aren't alone in having to do a job that you feel is
a 'thankless' proposal.

Do what I used to do.

Jump in the car and go for a ride.

Take a tape you like, put in on and go for a short run about town.

Cry, sing, yell, talk to yourself, ask questions, scream -let it all hang out.
When the tape is over come back home and relax.

Sometimes there is very little you can do about life and the turns in it. We are along for the ride. It's bumpy, you go places you don't want to go or see-but you always are richer for the experience. Good or bad.

--------------

Back in 2001-2, I had a six month trial from hell.


9/11, my dad lost a leg, died on Halloween, buried him the day before my b-day. Blew up two engines in cars, my brother lost a toe, my GF got cancer and passed away in March 02. And there were a few more things that came to pass that I cannot remember.

It got to the point where I thought to myself, 'god, I don't know what else you can toss at me, but if I can make it though this, nohing will ever get me down."

Tough people manage, the ones that don't have the strength crumble.

Think about being on a ladder. There are people who are farther down the rungs that have more to bear than we can imagine.

Look up, that's the only place to go.:)

[jazzcat]

Thanks Richard. I often get inspiration from you, and even more often a laugh which is just as helpful.

[RICHARD]

Thanks Richard. I often get inspiration from you, and even more often a laugh which is just as helpful.

The laughs I can handle....If I inspire you, you may want to see a mental health specialist!;)

The hardest part is thinking you are alone with what you have to do.
The easiest part is finding out that you aren't alone and you have many wonderful people on PT that will lend you a shoulder, a hand or just a few words of encouragement.

You are never alone in the world, until you speak about what's in your heart.

One of my favorite 'Mexican sayings' is "Caras miran, Corazones no".

Translated?

Faces are seen, Hearts aren't.

[kimlovescats]

Lori, I'm glad to hear that you are feeling at least a bit relieved. (((hugs)))

[Denyce]

The bad part about it is that she asked him for them and he said okay but it upset him because he said he gave her a few ears earlier this week and that was enough. I've noticed that recently the dementia is making him very stingy with things.:(

Thanks for the shoulders.

I would guess that he feels very out of control so by keeping as much close to him as he can lets him feel lilke he regains some control over his life back. I am sure that he realizes he is losing time and things and that has to be scary. That there are things slipping through his fingers so he tries to hold on tighter.

Good luck and my best wishes. It is very hard to deal with dementia and alzheimers and aging loved ones. Take deep breaths and give him a hug. *soft smile*