critters
04-11-2008, 02:44 PM
Baked Beans -
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any
ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before
I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way
home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and
just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the
call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air
around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully
tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another
few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on
it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the
picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any
ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before
I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way
home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and
just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the
call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air
around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully
tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another
few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on
it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the
picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so
long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"