What is it with me...

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

...and picking all the wrong guys?

:P



My newest... crush? (I feel like a 4th grader when I call him a crush, lmao.) is my friend named Paul. Except Paul has a girlfriend. :P

Oh well. At least he's never been in jail... never been on probation... has no kids... do I dare go on? Lol. But really, he is probably the sweetest guy I've ever met. He loves his girlfriend and I love being his friend, and I'm happy with that. He's funny, cute, tall... lol.


I'm just going to wallow in the fact that I don't stand a chance with him... right now. Maybe someday. :p But I really like his girlfriend, and I would never do anything to upset her. Not that I would do anything with Paul while he was dating ANYONE, lmao.

[Karen]

...and picking all the wrong guys?

:P



My newest... crush? (I feel like a 4th grader when I call him a crush, lmao.) is my friend named Paul. Except Paul has a girlfriend. :P

Oh well. At least he's never been in jail... never been on probation... has no kids... do I dare go on? Lol. But really, he is probably the sweetest guy I've ever met. He loves his girlfriend and I love being his friend, and I'm happy with that. He's funny, cute, tall... lol.


I'm just going to wallow in the fact that I don't stand a chance with him... right now. Maybe someday. :p But I really like his girlfriend, and I would never do anything to upset her. Not that I would do anything with Paul while he was dating ANYONE, lmao.

That's usually an indication that you aren't really ready for a new relationship - choosing someone who is unavailable is always safe!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Honestly, I don't really think I'm ready for a relationship. I totally agree. I just adore Paul. He is such a great friend. Yeah, if circumstances were different and I wasn't so messed up in the head and if he didn't have a girlfriend, it'd be different. We're going to a movie Sunday night, just him and I, I think. That's what I love about him. He has a girlfriend, but both him AND his girlfriend have enought trust in each other that she could care less that I go out to a movie with him. It'll be fun. He's always fun to hang around with. :p

[jackie]

Time and time again I see you around unsuitable men. I don't know why, are you using them because you want the attention or to validate yourself?

I advised you in another thread to take some time out and work on you, rather then jumping the first guy who seems to be around.

If you have feelings for him and you don't want to try anything when he has a girlfriend, I would step back from this relationship. If you have a crush on him now, I assume that your feelings are going to grow the more you hang around him. You know that too, otherwise you wouldn't be excited about going with him to the movies without his girlfriend.

Do you have female friends? Most of the people you write about seem to be male. I think you are a lovely girl and can't understand why you are always setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Catty1]

The reason she hangs out with unavailable guys is the same reason I did.

My dad was away a lot when I was younger. When I grew older (in my teens), I was attracted to 'unavailable' guys. I was playing the game of 'making Daddy come home', and it was really important that I WIN this time.

Except the win never happens. Never. Because you are trying to get your dad back - and none of these guys are Dad. Worse, you don't see them for who they really are - good and bad, as individuals - because your mind is still set on winning the 'dad' battle.

Have a look at how these 'relationships' and interests are the same as your relationship with your dad. "Dear dad - do you love me at all?"

You can go through ten years+ of this, or get help now. Your choice.

Here are what some professionals say about this:


Some women become involved with [unavailable] men because they are repeating a difficult relationship situation from the past.

Typically, they feel they were always vying with their mother for their father’s attention.

...this girl — now grown up — may continue trying to find fathers to lure in and mothers to gain victory over.

If this is the case with you, you may be picking [unavailable] men in order to beat the competition, even though you don’t want the prize. It is all about competing, not about reaching the finish line.


Women that love emotionally unavailable men have it entrenched in them to chase the attention of a man who just isn't 'there' whether it's on an emotional or physical sense or both. With both men and women who fall into this vicious cycle, it stems from a fear of loving and a fear of losing love.

http://www.singlescafe.net/attracting-unavailable-men.html

Why do we keep attracting and choosing these men? It's almost as if we WANT to fail! Well, guess what. That may be part of it.

Some of the most common reasons for this pattern are as follows:

a) Some women don't actually want real commitment.

b) Some women inadvertently seek to recreate the bad relationships their parents had.

c) Some women have emotional baggage that prevents them from getting intimate, so they seek out men who can't be intimate.

d) Some women have low self-esteem that makes them believe they aren't worthy of a good man.

Therapists say that in discussing the problem with their patients, they often find that subconsciously, some women don't want real intimacy or commitment.

They have their own emotional blocks that are preventing them from seeking out healthy relationships -- but since they crave companionship, simply being alone isn't an option. Hence, they subliminally look for a man who can qualify as a boyfriend but who can't be anything lasting.

What causes this kind of self-sabotage? Your own experiences with friends probably tell you what studies have confirmed: We often unintentionally seek out relationships that parallel our parents'.

And last - just for the heck of it - look at the men's side of things:
http://ca.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/109_dating_advice.html

And this guy:
As for us "Unavailable" men, we tend to be more confident when potentially pursuing a new woman to see on the side. For us, there is no fear of rejection - if she says no, you just go home to your wife like you do every night. Plus, we "unavailable" types tend to be more confident around women in general.

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

Okay, okay, okayokayokayokayokayokayyyyyyy.

I get it.

I'm messed up. Troubled. Confused. I'm getting better though! I wish you all could see how wel I'm doing.

I'm happy. I don't care. Jay? Jay who? I've moved on. I'm better than that. Way better than that. I go out with friends, I laugh, I smile. I have fun.


I've found a quote that PERFECTLY emphasizes everything anyone has ever said to me on this message board.

"So do your heart a favor, sweetie.
Just turn around and leave.
It may not be what you think you want,
but, my god, it's what you need."


I'm getting better. I promise. Paul is a friend. I've got Anne, Kate, Larissa, Justin, Ryan, you guys... I've got all the people in the world to keep me centered and focused on being happy.

THINK HAPPYYYY. :p

[Catty1]

Sweetie, the title of your post was "What is it with me and picking all the wrong guys?"

It is GREAT that you have friends and are working on being happy. However, you might have to look elsewhere to get an answer to your question above.

Nothing wrong with seeing a counsellor to see if you NEED to see a counsellor.

It's great that you are getting better - and that in your question, you realized there is a bit of a problem. That quote you posted is really good. I think it is a good creed to live by.

hugs!

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

I don't know. I've liked Paul for a lonnng time, probably a year. We quit hanging out because I was only friends with him because of my other friend Anne, and so I didn't hang out with Paul when Anne was around. Now Anne has more important things to do, but I've been seeing Paul at Perkins a lot lately. So it's not like it's developed recently, persay. But I understand what you're saying, and I see some of those characteristics that you've posted in myself.

Thanks for all the help. I'm working on it, I swear! :p