Humor As A Defense Mechanism -- Why?

[CountryWolf07]

I have recently discovered that if people use humor as a defense mechanism... it annoys me. It's a way of hiding how you feel. I just don't like it when some people can not be serious and joke over a serious topic. For example, my boyfriend does, but, I'm used to him because it has been a year, and I know how he is. Although I have always wondered why he has to be that way. I think he uses humor as a defense mechanism to hide his true feelings, but he still shows them in different ways.. so I looked up that it is - "Acting out - The individual copes with stress by engaging in actions rather than reflecting upon internal feelings."

Although I think it is a very interesting topic to discuss about, on humor defense mechanism...

[Edwina's Secretary]

Humor helps to cope with many situations... I realize it is difficult when you want to be serious but it is the best some people can do when confronted with an uncomfortable situation.

Maybe not everyone WANTS to reflect on their feelings? IS that a bad thing?

[CountryWolf07]

Definitely, not a bad thing at all.. it is something I'm definitely not used to, because I grew up in a family where feelings/words are always expressed every day/every night, no matter where we are, it's shown through words. No hiding, and we don't use humor in our feelings in the family...So that could be it?

[Barbara]

I wouldn't call it humor in that case- sometimes it is downright joking aggression. I can join in- and refrain from any closer contact to that person.

[lizbud]

Definitely, not a bad thing at all.. it is something I'm definitely not used to, because I grew up in a family where feelings/words are always expressed every day/every night, no matter where we are, it's shown through words. No hiding, and we don't use humor in our feelings in the family...So that could be it?


That's probably why you don't understand the habit. My family, all of
us, have always used humor to ease uncomfortable family situations.

Why tear yourself up being so serious about some things you can't change?
I think because of my family's humor, we've managed to overcome a lot of
obstacles in life. Sort of a "laugh to keep from crying" sort of thing. :)

[NoahsMommy]

I wonder if you are annoyed that your bf uses humor as opposed to being serious is because of the TYPE of relationship it is. Its OK ("normal") for friends and family members to joke around because those types of relationships are comfortable, laid back, typically permanent relationships.

For example, under "normal" circumstances a sister wouldn't tell her brother, "I don't feel like talking to or having you in my life any longer. So, like, don't call me, or come over and oh, I wont be getting you a bday present any longer." Unless a friend does something truly horrendous (and you aren't 5-years-old), you don't just loose friends randomly or planned in such a cut and dry way. But...relationships like, bf/gf are more fragile and people CAN just up and walk away. They're also not laid-back, comfortable relationships and deal with more intimate subjects. Those intimate subjects probably make some/a lot of guys and/or girls uncomfortable and so they use the most socially acceptable defense mechanism : Protection by Humor. "Everyone like Humor, right??" seems to be a general consensus.

So, when you're wanting to see serious behaviors and hear serious commitment word choice by your significant other, and instead hear him/her joking about the "old ball and chain" it annoys you. As it would me. There are certain relationships, conversations, and situations that demand seriousness, be it heartful honesty, responsibilty and/or solutions. We except our counterparts to behave appropriately. When/if they don't we get mad, when they act as though what is important to us is comedic, its quite hurtful which leads to us getting MAD. :mad: :mad:

I agree with you in that I tend to expect those in my life to respond to my inquiries/requests/discussions without making everything a joke. But, I do also agree with Sara in that humor DOES bring a nice effect to life. :)

Interesting topic. Thanks for letting me run on and on. ;)

[Medusa]

I prefer the light touch. If we took things less seriously, I feel we'd all be better off. Humor has gotten me through many a tough time and even at the funeral home during calling hours of my father, I saw his friends laughing and joking w/each other. I considered it a positive testimony to my dad and to being human. We're a strong, resilient species if we allow ourselves to be and being serious certainly doesn't lend to that. I'll take humor any day, no matter what the circumstances, and if it offends me, I'll do some inner work to discover why, rather than wonder why others don't react the way I expected.

[Edwina's Secretary]

The classic tv sitcom...The Mary Tyler Moore Show...when Chuckles the Clown died....speaks to humor as a coping mechanism.

[Catty1]

Not to mention that a great number of top comedians, past and present, grew up in bad surroundings, and their humour was a saving grace for them - and became a career! (just don't marry one...) ;)

[Medusa]

(just don't marry one...) ;)
My son would agree w/you on that one.

[Catty1]

Hee, hee - Mary, he's too young for me - or I'm too old for him - or something! :p

From what you have said, he has a professional attitude. Some....don't! (I'm sure you have heard some stories from him... ;) )

[Medusa]

Oh, of course. He knows that all comics have their angst, which is what makes some of them so funny. But he's on the road so much that every woman he's ever dated has started out saying that it wouldn't bother her but it always has. Understandable. My ex-husband traveled a lot in his line of work and it definitely contributed to the demise of our marriage.