I need help....

[catnapper]

I'm at my wit's end with the kids. One in particular. I can't even recount their activities in the past few months --- believe me, its enough to write a few winning story lines for daytime dramas. They HAVE turned violent and hit both me and hubby. They knocked one of their siblings out and gave them a concussion. Hubby kicked them out, and like usual, they came back home right away and everyone pretends nothing happened. This kid needs help! WE need help!

Do you think hubby pushed them to see a doctor and get US a mediator or therapist? noooooo..... that would require actually admitting there is a problem. He seems to take the "pretend its not happening" way of dealing with it.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of hiding out in my room, and going to work early/staying late - going in on my day off just to avoid this "child". This is MY HOME TOO! I'm tired of fighting with hubby about something he knows I'm right on, something he agrees with me on. Then when it comes time to enforcing it, he chickens out. He doesn't even want to talk about it because he KNOWS I'm right, but KNOWS he's completely incapable of making his kid do what they need to do (God forbid he makes them do something that will make them mad at him! :eek: ) When we "discuss" this whole situation, he is constantly telling me to stop telling him things he already knows. He KNOWS. I know he knows. I just can't figure out why he can't implement action for something he knows.

I need a good website for advice and perhaps a place to vent freely with complete anonimity. SO MUCH has happened that I can't even start to admit whats happening here, I'm not comfortable admitting it here where everyone "knows" me.

I can tell you that whatever happens, it can NOT come from me. It HAS to come from hubby. This child will NOT accept anything from me. They pretend I don't exist, which is fine with me because I prefer that to having them unleash their anger on me. I need a website that will help me help hubby see what he needs to do. I need a new tactic. Apparently the hundred tactics I've tried haven't been effective.

[Laura's Babies]

First off, it IS just as much abuse when a child hits a parent as it is when the parent hits a child. If this child get violent again, call the police and have it documented!

Hubby can ignore and pretend all he wants but things will only continue to escalate....this problem will NOT go away. Have you tried the failing your responsiability as a parent by allowing him/her to act like this? ONE child should not be allowed to disrupt a household like that and get away with it and no one should have to live under that kind of stress. How long does he expect you to have to live on egg shells like this?

I would have to ask hubby, just where does he see this all going? What outcome does he see if he continues to do nothing? This child is screaming out for help so why isn't he doing something to help him/her? He needs to be finding out what is going on in the childs life that changed him/her and turned him/her into this monster. Where is his parenting resposiability/feelings gone?

In todays world, it is far to scarey to have a child acting like this, something is wrong, terriably wrong and somebody needs to find out WHAT!

[lizbud]

I can't really give you any helpful advise. I can tell you what I would do.
Considering all that has been going on at your house, hubby & kids need
a BIG wakeup call.There comes a time when words are not enough. I
would pack my bags & leave.

[Sevaede]

I agree with above posts.

I have been involved in a VERY similar situation before. If you'd like, I'll PM you and we can relate! :)

[Catty1]

Leave. Til they fix themselves.

[Jessika]

I can't really give you any helpful advise. I can tell you what I would do.
Considering all that has been going on at your house, hubby & kids need
a BIG wakeup call.There comes a time when words are not enough. I
would pack my bags & leave.
I know I've never had any kids, and right now my husband is my #1 shoulder to lean on when I'm experiencing a rough time, and the one person I go to to help me or take care of situations I can't handle. So if I went to him with this problem, and he wouldn't do anything, knowing how physically and mentally hurt I was, that would absolutely break my heart that he wouldn't do anything about it.

I would have to agree, I would pack my bags and leave. Give at least hubby a wake-up call so he might grow a pair and do something about the situation.

[kuhio98]

Kim ~ I don't think a good website is what you need. And though I hate it when the police are called in to parent, I think that may be just what you guys need. I would press charges for assault. Once a complaint is filed, it will force the issue. Hubby seems to know the problem but also knows he's not capable of taking the steps to get these kids the help they need. It sounds like they have never been held responsible for their actions.

It may or may not be too late for them to learn, but you can save Cameron lots of future grief if the whole family is given a wake-up call. :(

I'm so sorry you have to be the grownup and make these decisions. I wish hubby was strong enough, but he's not, so it looks like its up to you. :(

[moosmom]

Lizbud and Laura's Babies gave you great advice. Your husband needs to grow a spine and get things under control. It's NOT going to get better AND it's not the best environment to raise Camden in. Children are a product of their environment. If he sees your kids smacking you around, he'll thinks it's okay.

Catty1 is right. Pack your backs and leave until they fix themselves. Enough is enough.

[Catlady711]

Maybe I'm alot more stubborn and bull headed (hubby says I am) but when we had his daughter living here for 3 months (her mom dumped her off without warning and had no contact for the entire time) I had a similar problem with hubby. Thankfully his daughter was never violent but hubby would never do what was right in correcting her from her badmouthing, and not obeying simple rules.

I figure I married him, so she's MY step daughter and I should have a part in her raising when she's living in MY house! I took the initiative and took care of business. Since hubby didn't want to deal with the situation anyways he grumbled to me a bit about my tactics but let me do what needed doing.

Had she have been violent to the point of knocking someone out then I'd be on the phone to the police and maybe a couple hours in a jail cell would chill her butt out and make her realize that actions have consequences.

That's just me though, I don't know that everyone could/would react the same way in similar circumstances.

[Catty1]

What you CAN do, Kim, is call the police and press charges.

And leaving - you are in an abusive situation. You have to be safe and stay somewhere so your head can clear.

Please.

ETA: Found this: http://en.allexperts.com/q/Parenting-Stepchildren-2203/Step-Child-abusive.htm?zIr=5

Expert: Julie Adams
Date: 6/14/2005
Subject: Step Child abusive

Question
I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for 2 years. His 15 year old son lives with us and because of issues caused by this child I am considering a divorce. This child has stolen from members of the family, has destroyed things in the house, has experimented with drugs and alcohol, and can not follow even the simplest house rules. But what has gotten even more disturbing is the porn. Just this year alone there has been over 30 porn movies removed from our house, there has been a time when a 2 liter coke bottle filled with urine was in his closet, as well as a used condom. I have said time and again that this behavior as well as smoking was not allowed in our home. But this child has even looked his father in the face and told him if he did not want to know it was there then to not go in his room. This has gone on for 4 years and many times I have said this was the last time, but I can not take any more. I will not allow this child alone in our home at all any more and it is making life very hard on his father whom constantly blames me. This child has even broke into our bedroom to rent porn on our tv, which is the only tv in the house that has digital access and is kept in our room so that he does not has easy access. I have a 14 year old daughter that I have to keep away from this boy because I don't trust him. What can I do and how can I make my husband see that there is a real problem. This child is also failing in school and his mother will not help at all. It is lucky if we get her to even see her son three days a month. I love my husband but I can not go on with his son's abuse, or the fact that we fight constantly over the issues of what this child is allowed to get away with in our home. Please help!!!


Answer
Dear Tina,
You are dealing with some very serious issues. I read your pain and frustrations. Please know that you CANNOT make anybody change unless they want to. You cannot force behavior that is not prompted by a change of heart/mind.
You have said that you have threatened many times, but have not acted.....that is the key....no one believes you.
My suggestions is that you remove yourself from the situation with the understanding that you want to work things out and that it is imperative that this child seek professional help. I don't blame you that you do not want your daughter to be around this son. That would be a disaster! Go and live with friends/family or your church family. Don't threaten divorce.....just allow yourself some separation time to get your husband and this son jump started toward some help. I admire your strength and courage in such a difficult circumstance.
Write again if you wish.
Julie

And for what it's worth, take a look at this page; read it: http://www.blendingafamily.com/?gclid=CJGK34mb6JACFQkxgwoddjU5XA

[Karen]

Kim, dear one, I know you love your husband, and family, but this situation warrants serious action, and now. If your hubby won;t do anything, you need to, and if it means getting the police involved, please do so. This is for your own sake, for Cameron's sake, and for the animals' sake, not to mention the other humans in the house.

You will be in our prayers. Something needs to change - and NOW - and it has apparently fallen on you to be the catalyst.

You can do this. We'll all be with you in spirit.

[Grace]

I agree with those who say - call the police. This type of behavior can escalate into something more serious.

[Twisterdog]

I agree as well. Call the police and press charges.

As you know, I have a similar situation with my step-children. Although they are not physically violent, they are spoiled little monsters whom their father cannot discipline.

I am attempting to stick it out until they are all 18. (They are 17 and 15 now.) I do not know if I will make it, frankly.

I told my husband before we got married, in no uncertain terms, that I tolerate absolutely zero physical abuse. If he ever hit me or any of the kids, even his own, I would be on the phone to the police in a second. And I also told him if any child ever raised a hand to me, I would do the same. I meant it.

You can't keep living like this. You have gone above and beyond the "duty" of a step-parent. You have put up with enough. Too much. NO ONE can ever say you didn't try, you tried more than most people would have. Take care of YOU. Your husband will more than likely follow your lead. A wake up call is long overdue.

I know this is a strongly worded post, and I hope you don't take offense. But, PLEASE, enough is enough. These "kids" are not really even kids anymore. You are taking abuse and nonsense from adults, basically, and getting no support from your spouse to end it. Please, take care of YOU. PM me. If you need a place to go or a plane ticket, I'll get you one.

[caseysmom]

I think you need to put your foot down Kim and I know its hard but you are just as important of a part in the whole sceme of things as your husband, whomever is doing this needs a wake up call. Big hugs it must be hell.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I would pack my bags & leave.

That was my first thought too - put some distance between them and you and let them get on with it

[Freedom]

They knocked one of their siblings out and gave them a concussion.

Is this child who was knocked out a minor? Were the police notified? Was the child taken to hospital? Did the hospital report it?

You need to take care of yourself. If this child is a minor, take this one with you, along with the pets. GET OUT. Then figure out what to do next.

[Medusa]

Once the police are involved, a whole different dynamic enters the picture. Understand that I'm not telling you to not call the police, just forewarning you that things change when the police become involved. That being said, are any of these kids minors? (I have a friend who refers to her son as "my child" and he's 19 and huge. He never became physically violent w/her but his behavior was/is unacceptable and I told her to stop calling him a child, that he's a young adult who is old enough to know better.)

You are not a punching bag. NO ONE has a right to put their hands on you at any time for any reason. I can only imagine how I would feel if my son was physically violent w/me; it would break my heart. However, once I got over the heartbreak, I would contact my attorney and seek his counsel. He can advise you as to whether or not the police should be involved. Whatever the case, DO NOT allow anyone to put their hands on you again. If your husband wants to keep his wishbone instead of a backbone, that's his business. Leave the house, find a safe place and DO NOT tell anyone where you are and that includes your husband. CALL YOUR ATTORNEY! And please keep us posted. I'll be burning candles for you......

[jennielynn1970]

Been thinking on this one, and while I agree in a sense to the packing your bags and leaving... I don't know that I would. That's your home. You have every right to be there and live free of harm and abuse. So does your husband. So do his kids. Everyone in that household has that right. Should someone take that right away from you, whether they are minors or whether they are adults, they need to know that it will not be accepted.

If Grant won't do it, then it's gotta come from you. You are his wife. You are their step mother. You are legally responsible for the health and welfare of those kids in that home who are under the legal age of an adult. If there is another adult in that house who is endangering them, causing physical or emotional abuse, neglect, what have you, they need to face the consequences. If Grant can't be the responsible one, and shame on him when these are his kids, and as a teacher he wouldn't accept it in his classroom, so why in his own home?! He's a large intimidating guy, a force to be reckoned with. He needs to be responsible for the minors in the household and even if Ashley is a minor, even more reason, get her butt straightened out. Tough love baby. It's gotta happen.

Who is the adult in the house?? Who makes the rules?? Grant should know the answers to those questions, and they better be GRANT AND KIM. If they aren't the answers he gives, then he needs to take a parenting course, and also rethink what kind of example he's setting for the kids he teaches.

[Lizzie]

I don't believe Kim would leave without taking Cam with her. If she did that, she would run the risk of losing the right to see him, at least for a time. The police or an attorney seem to be the only routes to take to make a change for the better for the whole family. Counseling is only really beneficial if the whole family participates, and only the law will force the other members of this family into counseling. Sorry, Kim, you will have to look like the bad guy in order to be the good guy.

[jenluckenbach]

Kim, YOU need to do something, whether you like it or not. Leaving home is probably EXACTLY what would make these "kids" happy! I doubt it would make them feel bad enough to "change their ways". And I doubt it would help Grant grow a spine! (although it is nice to think that it would). So, if you want to keep your family, you are going to have to stick it out. But you will have to lay down the law.


First off, if the injured sibling is a minor then it is your DUTY to react accordingly. What if the injured party was the baby? (I am not suggesting that anyone would willingly hurt Cam, but the truth is, it COULD happen).

You cannot change Grant if he does not want to change. You cannot change these "kids" if they also do not want to change. But you CAN protect yourself, and the innocents that live under your roof.

Since there seems to be no way to make friends with these "kids" then I say give up trying. Stand firm on YOUR rights! Your right to be safe in your own home, for example.

Since no one in your house grants you any authority, you will be on your own. You will have to think of yourself, Cam, Heather (as a minor) and the pets, FIRST! Do what you would do if a STRANGER hit you (or them). Don't wait for Grant to do it for you. And if that means get the police involved, then do it. But keep in mind, you won't have any witnesses. It'll be YOUR word....I guarrentee no one will back you up, so be able to prove the allegations.

Personally, I would just sit back and tell them to "deal with it!". As long as you, Cam and the animals are not injured, let them figure it out. That's it! that is how I would handle it.

I am sure I am no help, but I am hear to listen. I wish you would talk to me.

[jennielynn1970]

I'd also be careful that the one who is causing the physical harm doesn't decide to press charges against you or Grant if something would happen to her in the house. You never know what goes on in people's minds, and how they might decide to lash out to get back at someone they consider a threat to them (however inaccurate it might be).

Make sure that you can prove that you have done nothing to harm her, because the last thing you want is for her to file a PFA and have YOU kicked out of your own house.

I'd be calling the cops when she acts up and endangers others. That's the only way to get documentation that she is the one with the problem, whether it's anger management or what ever, but she needs to know that there are boundaries.

Can you set up cams that can't be seen so that if there is a confrontation it can be documented??

[emily_the_spoiled]

Hello Kim,

I know that everyone here has made some good points, but I am not quite sure you are ready to make the "big" decision to move.

Would it be possible for you to talk with someone? The domestic violence hotline (make no mistake this is domestic violence) should be able to provide a list of people to talk with (usually this is done on a sliding fee scale of some kind).

Cheryl

[Rachel]

Obviously you have no control over the kids or your husband. What you do have control over is your own actions and reactions. It sounds like the living conditions are unacceptable to you. If you fear for your safety - get out now. If you don't, meet with a reputable counselor to help you sort out your options.

[shepgirl]

After reading all the posts here I think the worse thing you could do is leave. That would only give the bully more leverage to act even worse. From what you have written, this kid is screaming out for help. Sit down and talk to hubby, make it clear that if he doesn't act on this you will, tell him "NO MORE." This kid will only get worse and is big enough to cause permanent damage to a sibling. It's obvious that the break up of his parents has left emotional scars and he is acting out in anger and frustration. Sit all the kids down and tell them exactly what the rules are and if there is any further abuse from the 15 yr old the police will be called and charges laid, then DO IT.
You are not doing the kids a favor by running away to escape all this. The whole family should be getting counselling to become a real family. If no one wants to go, then go by yourself and reach out for help.
The first step is calling the police and laying charges...the crown will prosecute the boy, might send him to a juvenile center, which is what he and the family needs right now before it becomes irreversible .

[caseysmom]

I don't think this is necessarily a boy or a juvenile.

[catnapper]

I'd also be careful that the one who is causing the physical harm doesn't decide to press charges against you or Grant if something would happen to her in the house. You never know what goes on in people's minds, and how they might decide to lash out to get back at someone they consider a threat to them (however inaccurate it might be).

Make sure that you can prove that you have done nothing to harm her, because the last thing you want is for her to file a PFA and have YOU kicked out of your own house.

I'd be calling the cops when she acts up and endangers others. That's the only way to get documentation that she is the one with the problem, whether it's anger management or what ever, but she needs to know that there are boundaries.

Can you set up cams that can't be seen so that if there is a confrontation it can be documented??
Jenn has hit the nail on the head. Hubby is TERRIFIED she'll say she was acting out in self defense. She's a champion liar. She DID have a bloody nose at the time.... from her brother who pushed her out of the way to protect his other sister (and 10 seconds later, she pushed him back and gave him a concussion -- he's 21). Hubby swears she'd tell the cops HE did it to her. Mind you, we'd have me and the other two "kids" as witnesses to what actually happened. Even if she pressed unsubstanciated charges, he'd lose his job as a teacher in a heartbeat.

I AM prepared to call the cops the next time she tries to get violent.
1) I won't retaliate at all. I will simply calmly call 911. Let the marks be on me and none on her.
2) Hubby has already agreed that if it happens again to call the cops. He wont make a move to protect me either. Just pick up the phone. The one time she hit me, He dove in between us and pushed her to the floor. I don't believe she got any mark on her that time, I didn't but boy did my eye hurt (ow!) and my poor eyeglasses were misshapen (and they STILL aren't bent back properly)

She and I already got into it tonight. I've kept my mouth shut too long. Damn it felt good to tell her off. I didn't even say 1/100th of what is on my mind, but now she's walking around like a martyr. I tried arguing with her. I tried reasoning with her. I tried not saying a word to her. No matter what I do, it doesn't get through. No matter what I do.... I haven't said one word to her in months, yet she still insists all I do is yell at her and tell her how wrong she does everything (pretty amazing for someone who has basically been a ghost to her) So now I'm back to yelling just because it gets hubby's notice. :rolleyes: If he won't do anything I can at least tell her to grow up at opportune moments... tonight's fight was when she did something stupid & selfish, her brother made a joke about it, she told him to shut up in a few colorful ways. I told her to drop the attitude. It escallated from there to her basically screaming SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.... and stamping her feet and plugging her ears while going lalalalalalala I can't hear you (like a 5 year old would)

As for Cameras documenting... oh you have no idea how close to filming her violence on Christmas day when she went wild. It was OBVIOUS she was out of control while the rest of us were trying to stop her from hurting others and herself. I just couldn't protect Cam AND get the camera at the same time. Cam was priority #1.

As for leaving..... you have no idea how much I've thought about it lately. I am miserable in my home. Hubby's miserable. we're both miserable together (but not with each other). Yet I can't imagine life without him. He's my best friend and my sounding board. Leaving is totally not an option. I can't leave someone whom I am completely in love with. I just wish his daughter wasn't here. I just repeat a mantra every day where I tell myself SOME DAY she'll leave and someday we'll have peace of just being together without her.

I also know from past hurt in relationships that if I chose to make a drastic statement of leaving, he'd say "fine, go". He will be thinking that if I choose to give up and leave, then I'm free to go. He won't force me to stay somewhere I'm not willing to work on a relationship. I'm the same way. I NEVER took back an old boyfriend after they told me they wanted/needed to see other people... if they didn't want me then, why would they want me later?

I am CERTAIN things will blow to a head again someday soon. Its been building for a few days. Hubby got into it last night. I got into things tonight. I think its a matter of time before she decides to push the issue to where there's no going back. I for one am counting the minutes because I can't continue living like this. As mean as it sounds, I WANT her to go wild again so that I can call the cops and get the ball rolling. Once its in the cops hands, its out of mine and nobody can get out of making things happen. Nobody can go back to pretending nothing is wrong. The courts will make sure she gets the help she desperately needs.

[carole]

Firstly let me say my heart goes out to you kim, i really feel for you in this difficult situation, you have been given some very sound advice, all i can say is i would also be hesitant involving the police, i have seen it here in different families, and it has not been the best of choices, i agree with Medusa on that one, it is a complete different ball game once they are involved.

I really think you need a professional counsellor to talk with about this problem, i agree your hubby has to get a backbone and take control here, but it is apparent he is not going to do that, i think you would be best to remove yourself from the situation if at all possible, perhaps you might need to give hubby an ultimatium.

Obviously there is a lot more going on than you want to tell us, so it really does sound very out of control, dysfunctional,and something has to be done and soon by the sounds of it,please talk to someone about it that really can help and in the meantime, take care of yourself won't you HUGS.

[catnapper]

I don't think this is necessarily a boy or a juvenile.
Correct. The youngest is 18. All are adults in this house. I won't say if the girl in question is the 18 year old or 20 year old.

[lizbud]

Kim,

If my husband would not make a move to protect me psysically or consider
my emotional needs, I would never consider him my best friend.

Keeping you in my prayers for a peaceful life. You do deserve it. :)

[joycenalex]

kim, i am praying for you and cameron. please consider packing an escape bag for him, and keeping it in your car. make sure you always know where your keys and shoes are. make sure you have money. make sure at all times you can scoop him and run if he's there. i know what i'm talking about here. if the adult female is this volatile and dangerous, the TWO of you need an planned escape pack and route. also, make sure cams' pediatrician knows whats' up and can document any thing. protect him and yourself. kindest regards

[catnapper]

kim, i am praying for you and cameron. please consider packing an escape bag for him, and keeping it in your car. make sure you always know where your keys and shoes are. make sure you have money. make sure at all times you can scoop him and run if he's there. i know what i'm talking about here. if the adult female is this volatile and dangerous, the TWO of you need an planned escape pack and route. also, make sure cams' pediatrician knows whats' up and can document any thing. protect him and yourself. kindest regards
One big step ahead of you. We also already have (and have used) a safe house for him.

[Grace]

What about a safe place for the cats?

[caseysmom]

Correct. The youngest is 18. All are adults in this house. I won't say if the girl in question is the 18 year old or 20 year old.
You don't have to say....its so sad that one child did seem to turn around for a while...could it be depression from all the new responsibility?

[joycenalex]

grace, you're right, what about the cats? abusers can and do go after the animals.

[Catty1]

Kim, some encouragement for you from Dog House: "The Meanest Mom on the Planet" ;) :D

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,321239,00.html


'Mean Mom' Sells Son's Car After Misdeed

1 day ago

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Jane Hambleton has dubbed herself the "meanest mom on the planet." After finding alcohol in her son's car, she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old's misdeed with everyone — by placing an ad in the local newspaper.

The ad reads: "OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."

Hambleton has heard from people besides interested buyers since recently placing the ad in The Des Moines Register.

The 48-year-old from Fort Dodge says she has fielded more than 70 telephone calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors and even a Georgia man who wanted to congratulate her.

"The ad cost a fortune, but you know what? I'm telling people what happened here," Hambleton says. "I'm not just gonna put the car for resale when there's nothing wrong with it, except the driver made a dumb decision.

"It's overwhelming the number of calls I've gotten from people saying 'Thank you, it's nice to see a responsible parent.' So far there are no calls from anyone saying, 'You're really strict. You're real overboard, lady.'"

The only critic is her son, who Hambleton says is "very, very unhappy" with the ad and claims the alcohol was left by a passenger.

Hambleton believes her son but has decided mercy isn't the best policy in this case. She says she set two rules when she bought the car at Thanksgiving: No booze, and always keep it locked.

The car has been sold, but Hambleton says she will continue the ad for another week — just for the feedback.

[moosmom]

Kim,

You know I love you and you're one of my best cyberfriends, so when I say this, I mean it wholeheartedly and with good intentions...

Y'ALL NEED TO GO TO A SHRINK!!!

(((((HUGS)))))) to you honey. Call me anytime.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Correct. The youngest is 18. All are adults in this house. I won't say if the girl in question is the 18 year old or 20 year old.


whoever it is, clearly needs psychiatric help

[catnapper]

Kim,

You know I love you and you're one of my best cyberfriends, so when I say this, I mean it wholeheartedly and with good intentions...

Y'ALL NEED TO GO TO A SHRINK!!!

(((((HUGS)))))) to you honey. Call me anytime.
Awww sweetie, you made me smile. She does have an appointment at the end of the month. Her insurance stinks (doesn't all of ours?) and thats the earliest appt she could get. Personally I think she needed to tell them she's SEVERELY depressed and acting out... she'd have gotten one a week ago if she did. I know all of her behavior is based on depression. I've been there and understand what she's feeling. I know the feeling of "no matter what I do I'm wrong" and "everyone is out to get me" and "Nobody understands me!" etc. I KNOW what she's feeling. What I don't know is HOW nobody else but me saw it all along and nobody else but me said she needed help (I've said it since she was 12)

Now, it is exciting that she has an appointment in 2 weeks. I'm hoping they give her medicine AND weekly sessions. I'm hoping they point out I'm the one who has stood by her more than anyone else. I'm the one who offered a parental role to her when she needed it most. She might not like everything I had/have to say but its all with the intentions of keeping her safe from doing stupid things that would hurt herself.

PS: As for her hurting the cats. Thats not going to happen. She actually likes the cats and she knows hubby's reaction will be worse than mine. She knows those cats are his best friends and she knows by doing anything to harm even a whisker would be sheer suicide on her part.

[jennielynn1970]

PS: As for her hurting the cats. Thats not going to happen. She actually likes the cats and she knows hubby's reaction will be worse than mine. She knows those cats are his best friends and she knows by doing anything to harm even a whisker would be sheer suicide on her part.


Wait... so Grant will go to bat and protect the cats, but won't back you up??? That's messed up, lol.

[caseysmom]

Kim, Do you think it could be post partum depression? That can be very serious, and mom's have done horrible things that suffer from it.

[catnapper]

Wait... so Grant will go to bat and protect the cats, but won't back you up??? That's messed up, lol.
Sad but true. He honestly thinks he IS protecting all of us. He is so lost... he basically walks around in a funk wondering where he went wrong raising his kids. I swear he needs the meds too, but he refuses. He says "get over it" :rolleyes:

[catnapper]

Kim, Do you think it could be post partum depression? That can be very serious, and mom's have done horrible things that suffer from it.
I think she had depression thats been untreated for years, but I think post partum is making it worse.

You have no idea how long I've said she needs help. I could tell immediately that she needed help but nobody else thought so.... well except his sister who suffers from bi-polar disorder. She has been the only one who agreed with me about everything from the beginning.

I really do feel for the girl. But I also want to strangle her at the same time. I'm hoping meds and therapy will turn her around. I've said since we were first married that she'd be the weak point in our relationship. My exact words were "she'll be the death of me"

[caseysmom]

I hope they help I have taken my daughter to two counselers and she acts all normal when we go so nothing is ever done.

[NoahsMommy]

Kim,

First, this is your home, your life...so I'll support you in whatever you feel is right.

Second, I don't know if you know who Dr. Laura is...but she sounds a lot like the "Meanest Mom in the World" ad. She is very, very, very ethical and is a no nonsence type of woman. She has a radio show and is a pyschologist. One day a man called in to say that his step-son had gotten voilent with his wife, the boys mother. This boy was around 15 or 16 and seemed to have no other father figure until this step dad came along...so he obviously had some issues. Anyway, Dr. Laura had some EXCELLENT advice in my opinion.

She said to go on living as though this kid DOES NOT EXIST. The entire parental unit MUST do this. You do not make food, do laundry, look at, touch, smell, go near...even WALK OVER this kid...or address this kid AT ALL. 100% of the time as far as you and hubby are concerned, she does NOT EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will show your horribly misbehaved, ungrateful 'child' that unless she treats everyone in the family with the respect and care they deserve, she is DEAD to you all. I know it sounds harsh, but if you think about it, its a WONDERFUL idea. You'll have to let her cry, kick, scream, complain, yell, etc. The ONLY time you'll entervene is if she's voilent and she tries to hurt others. Then you would make sure that victim is safe and call 911. Be factual, honest and don't get emotional. Don't give ANY attention to this "child" whatsoever, for ANY reason. She can figure out how to feed and cloth herself. If you all as a family go ANYWHERE, she doesn't get included, she is INVISIBLE....she does NOT EXIST.

I trust Dr. Laura 150%....more than that even when it comes to advice on how to raise children because she ALWAYS has their interests at the very top of her heart.

The only problem I see you facing is having hubby comply. But...if he's good at ignoring the bad, he can ignore ALL of his child. Tell him it'll help her...maybe that'll work??? I don't know the entire situation, we all don't, so I can only hope and pray this would work. Its kind of what you do now as far as talking to her...just kick it up to the extreme.

Hugs, Love and Support,
Kelly :)

[NoahsMommy]

Re: the tactic I wrote about in my above post....

I've also seen this done on 'Super Nanny' and 'Nanny 911' and it WORKS beautifully!!! If she's going to act like a 2-year old behaviorlly, treat her like one - like she doesn't exist.

Acknowledging her behavior is buying into it.

[jazzcat]

Kim, I'm just now seeing this but while I was reading about what has happened in your house and how she has been acting I was thinking to myself either she is on drugs or she needs some phychological help. I see you said she has been suffering from deperession and that a family member is bi-polar. Could she be bi-polar? I don't know a whole lot about it but from what I do know it sounds like the outburst/rage could be that.

[carole]

I am happy to hear she has made an appointment, she obviously know's she needs help and that is the first step in the right direction,until she ask's for help there is little one can do,if depression is behind a lot of it,then i sincerely hope she has a good counsellor who will deal with it appropriately.

Are you sure it is all depression though,could some of it be just bad behaviour, i guess time will tell, if she is given meds and help and improves drastically you will know that for sure, i wish you all the luck in the world, and hope things get better in your household and fast, HUGS.

[catnapper]

I honestly do feel its bi-polar. She has always been great for 6 months or so, then sunk low to bad behavior for 6 months, then back up. Textbook bi-polar. We are apparently in a low point. I was SO PROUD of her last year, up til June. Then in July, it all turned around really bad.

The funny thing is I HAVE been acting like she doesn't exist. Been doing that for the past 9-10 months. I gave up on that one Christmas Day after the fight because it was not working at all. She LIKED that I acted like she didn't exist because she did whatever she wanted without anyone telling her that she was making a mistake. She COULD stay out til 4:00 in the morning without someone coming down on her asking her what she was doing til 4:00 and telling her 4:00 is waaaayyyy too late to be rolling home. She came home at 4:00 last night. Hubby called her and asked her what she was doing out and to get her butt home. It took another 45 minutes before she got home.

He'll mention her late nights again this afternoon and she'll ignore him like she always does. Then she'll pop some caffeine to work a double today at work because she's running on 3 hours sleep. Then she'll go out after work with friends and roll home around 4:00 again tonight. Up again after 3 hours sleep tomorrow. More caffeine to get through work. And the cycle continues until she ends up in the hospital again. She learned nothing from her scary hospital stay a few months ago.

[moosmom]

Kim,

I do hope she gets the helps she needs to get through this. This family needs a little peace and harmony. I just hope she follows through with the appointments and meds and tells the doctor EVERYTHING, or it'll all be for naught. He can't help her if she isn't totally honest with her doctor.

You're in my prayers everynight girl. (((((HUGS))))))

Donna

[Emeraldgreen]

Hi Catnapper. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like you are a very strong person though so somehow, someway, you're going to make it through this.
I read all of your posts and it sounds so frustrating that your husband isn't helping to correct this situation. I thought I'd recommend a book that my brother read (he's 44) and he said this book has changed his life. It's called WILD AT HEART and is written by John Eldredge. I have not read it yet but I intend to read it in a few weeks. But it's basically about showing men how to be good fathers, sons, friends etc.. and how to be strong and firm but loving. I signed a copy of this book out from the library for my husband and he is reading it right now. Every time he puts the book down he says to me "ya, this book is pretty incredible". He and my brother say that the book helps men realize why they do the things they do because of how they were raised etc.. and how it goes back to how their father were raised and so on. It helps them see how the pattern has developed over time so they can stop it and become the best man possible here and now.
Anyway, it just occured to me that if your hubby was up for reading it, he might get something from it and make the decision himself to change rather than changing because others are telling him to. I know my hubby HATES being told what he should be doing, even if what I'm saying makes all the sense in the world!!! But if I can somehow get him to come up with the idea himself, or at least let him think he is...LOL then he is so much more willing to change or do whatever needs doing.
Below is a link to an Amazon site that has a link with over 300 reviews by people (mostly men) who have read the book.
Take care. I'm praying for you and your family that peace will be yours in the very near future. :)

link about Wild at Heart book (http://www.amazon.ca/Wild-At-Heart-Discovering-Secret/dp/0785287965)

[ramanth]

*hugs* Kim. You've been given some good advice.

There is no violence in my situation, however it is a situation I can't control which causes me to have nervous breakdowns.

My therapist recommended Co-Dependents Anonymous. http://www.coda.org/

I'm pretty much at the point where I have to make a choice too. Leave or stick with it.

Good luck hon. I hope it all works out for you. *hugs*

[Rachel]

Seems like some of the problem is that there are no *rules of the house* nor consequences for the unacceptable actions. Yes, these are all adults living here, but who is paying the bills? If you and hubby are helping to support these adult children and they are living in your house, you two have the right to set certain expectations of behavior while they live under your roof...and that includes a curfew. If they don't like the rules, they need to choose to live elsewhere. It seems as if there is a bit of enabling going on, albeit unintentional. The tactics employed by hubby and you have not been successful. Time to seek some help from a professional to try a new plan of action. It is not good for the little child in this household to live in such a volitale situation.

[kimlovescats]

Kim, you know that we have talked quite a bit about this situation and our common problems with our "adult" girls. :rolleyes: I agree that you all need to kick her out and call the police if she ever gets violent with any of you again! Also, you know that I know how HARD it is to practice the tough love thing with your child ... so I'm not the best one to give that advice, though I know it is what is best!

My Amy Beth just moved out again, into a rental house that I found for her. She would have sat on her butt for weeks here if I didn't make sure she got a place to stay. Anyway, this house is shared with 2 other roommates and she only has to pay $235 per month and 1/3 of the utilities. There is no way she could find anything less, because I looked and I know!!!
Anyway, she did start going to our Guidance Center again and working with a case manager. The Guidance Center actually PAID for her 1st month's rent and her $200 depositi! In return, she is supposed to keep coming to her counselling sessions and take her FREE meds. ALL OF THIS SERVICE IS FREE to her and they will get her back on TennCare (FREE insurance). So ALL she has to do is take it all and keep doing so. Will she do it? I have my doubts, because she has stopped going to meetings before, quit her meds and gotten kicked off the insurance! :mad: Amy Beth is definitely bi-polar (as am I) and she simply MUST stay on her medication. The doctor has started her on meds for the BP and will soon add one in for her ADHD as well. Everything is lined up to go very well for Amy Beth, but it is still up to HER to take the help and use it for what it is intended!!! THAT is the problem ... will she do it THIS time?

Your daughter simply MUST get a correct diagnosis and get started on medications for it! You've got to convince her that her life will be so much better and she will feel so much happier and productive if she gets the right meds! It might take some testing and tweaking to find the right doses and combinations, but in the end it is SOOOOOOOO worth it!

I pray that she will go to her appointment that you have scheduled for her, Kim! Please remember that I am here for you as always!

((((HUGS))))
Kim

[Laura's Babies]

If Bipolar is in the family and she is acting like this, it is a sure bet she has it too. To bad hubby didn't want to reconize this and have all of you go through all this. I tell you one thing, I would let her know if she refuses treatment, she is 18 and can and will be thrown out of the house.. That sounds harsh but before she gets on the meds and gets the benifits from it, she is still going to act out. I am sure she thinks there is nothing wrong with how she is acting, that it is the rest of the world that has a problem, not her!

I recently worked with a guy who is bipolar and on the meds and he said he can not believe what his family went through because of him and he is SO ashamed of himself for how he treated them then.

[emily_the_spoiled]

If she does get violent again there is always the possibility of having her committed for evaluation involunatarily...you would have to check with a lawyer to see what the requirements are in PA.

[catnapper]

I don't know whats going on anymore. I do know hubby is at the end of his rope. I just spoke with him.... him sounding like a whipped puppy, me in near tears because we (the "grown child" and I) had another fight this afternoon. I had the immense nerve to tell her to get up off the sofa and go look for a full-time job like she promised her dad she would.... she quit school and the deal was that she work full-time in a different place than where she's currently working. Shame on me for making her dis-entangle herself from the boy-du-jour and do something other than wrap herself around a random guy who will be replaced next week. I didn't scream, I didn't accuse. I simply and calmly told her that she needed to get up and do something other than lounge around all day.

I left the house to run errands and hubby called me asking what I said to her... apparently she called him tried to tell him I blasted her. I was too mad at the time to really talk so I waited to talk with him a few hours later, which we just did. I was holding back tears. All I'm trying to do is HELP HER. He said we'll all sit down tonight (by the time I get home from work it'll be a week from now) and talk that this is getting ridiculous (YA THINK!?!?! :eek: )

I CAN NOT WAIT til her doctor's appointment. All I can do is pray she's honest with the doctor and that she gets the right meds first time out of the gate. Heck, I'm ready to grind up a few of my Zoloft pills into her Vitamin Water just to get the ball rolling. (yeah, I know I can't do that... still fun to dream about it :p) I seriously hope she gets it right and like Laura's friend, realize just what she put us through while she was unstable.

What gets me is I am her #1 enemy.... and I am the very one person in this house who all along has been trying to keep her safe. I've been the one who's been here for everything for her. I was the one who sat by her bedside in the hospital. I'm the one who took her to numerous doctor appointments. I'm the one who did all of the crappy jobs nobody else was willing to do for her. and what do I get as repayment? All her pent-up anger and resentment. This stinks :(

[carole]

You poor thing, i am so sorry to hear you are the one getting it in the neck, when you are the one who has been there for her 100 percent, maybe when she is well again she may well see just how good you have been to her, don't give up hope, i can only wish for you that once she has seen the doctor, got some required meds, that things will improve and she will do a complete turn around, my heart goes out to you, HUGS.

[NoahsMommy]

Kim,

My heart breaks for you and I want to tell you THANK YOU for your love and concern for this child/adult. I never recieved this type of love, concern, support, gut-wrenching emotional investment, from my step-mother....even my own mother and I'm a GOOD GIRL!! ;) My "father's" wife (ugh, ick, eeek!) is by far one of the most hateful people on this planet, I don't freely talk meanly about people, but this "person", I do. (I pray for her nightly, that God will change her, make her nice, calm and happy.) She is satan-spawn and couldn't care less about me or my brother. If I died tomorrow, she'd rejoice!!!

Seeing all that you've been put through is just so hard for me. It makes my heart physically hurt and LES is utterly uncontrollable.

Kim, for this ungrateful girl, I thank you, for all the step-children that have step-MONSTERS that do not care whether we lived or died. You've always treated ALL your step-kids as though they were your flesh and blood. You aren't harsh, you aren't mean, you don't give up - even with all that they've put you through. And Kim? You're so very strong.

Lots of people would just up and leave. You've seen that these children NEED you. For thier very survival and for their futures, you are ESSENTIAL. For you to have to put up with the treatment you have, and STILL care...Kim, you are amazing.

ANY person would be so blessed and lucky to have you as their parent, step or biologically. And I am honored to know you. This all comes from my heart as I've been so deeply hurt by the actions (and lack there of) of my own parents, step and bio, that this stuff is very much a sore spot for me. (Not just the recent "drama", I've dealt with very serious parental drama since I was 5 years old. I was practically raised in the "Family Courts" building!) Something I've fought and fought to get over with the help of therapy, God and a wonderful support system in people that AREN'T my parents. I don't share about 90% of what my parents actions (or lack of) have done to my brother and I...but to say we've been abused, neglected, etc. is 100% accurate. I'm telling you this so that you know where I'm coming from and WHY I see all the GOOD you do, all the LOVE you show regardless of the attitude you recieve. Ignoring is love, Kim...don't feel bad about that.

OK, I'll get off my little soap box now. I hope my words have helped you, Kim.

Love,
Kelly xoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))

[catnapper]

Just a real quick update.....

She's gone. Left this morning. Refuses to tell us WHERE she's going. Took Cam.

Yesterday I made a phone call which resulted in someone calling Social Services. Lets see if something happens there. Hubby is calling Social Services Tuesday.

Will give more detail later - I can;t say much right now.

[joycenalex]

edited to add- this is my mistake and not correct, i confused 2 PT-ers.- :o dear kim, hugs for you, and prayers for cams' protection. does she have legal custody of cam? due to her legal problems, i seem to recall the other grandmother had legal custody: if so has an amber alert been filed? i am so sorry she has done this to him. joyce

[pitc9]

OMG... she took Cam with her..... :eek:

I'm so sorry you and your hubby are being put through all of this. :(

I pray for you all and for Cam's safe return.
{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

[Catty1]

When they find your daughter - and they will, and Cam too - she will be dragged in for an assessment SO fast her head will spin!

I am sure you have ideas where she MIGHT go - to her old boyfriend?

If she wasn't in a car, she can't go a long ways.

I hope this is on the news, and it will have to be - to get the public's help!

Are the police involved too? I guess SS will call them?

HUGS and huge PRAYERS!

This could be a blessing in disguise, as things will be brought to a head.

HUGS!

[Freedom]

Prayers for all of you.

[kimlovescats]

Oh Kim, this is dreadful! One time when my daughter moved away and I had Jenna, the "father" showed up and was supposed to just be getting Jenna for a visit. He kept her and would not bring her back to me! I went to his house and almost assaulted him! I called the police and they went in to do a quick "home check" (they had quickly flushed their drugs) :mad: and I had to leave without Jenna. "HE" is her legal guardian and if the mom isn't availabe he rightly gets her! :( Calling social services is the BEST thing you can do right now! SO STICK WITH IT! The best you can hope for is to win temporary custody of Cam while she is "getting her act together".

PRAYERS AND HUGS! Call me if you need to!

Kim

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Although it won't seem like it at the time this may have been the best thing for her to do - as Catty said this may just kick start the process of her getting the help she needs.

Expect she will slink back soon when she wants something

[Edwina's Secretary]

I am just curious. Isn't the child hers? How can Social Services get involved if she left with her own child? Not a judgment, just a question.

[kimlovescats]

I am just curious. Isn't the child hers? How can Social Services get involved if she left with her own child? Not a judgment, just a question.

Sara, you are correct! See my post just 2 above yours.

[NoahsMommy]

I am just curious. Isn't the child hers? How can Social Services get involved if she left with her own child? Not a judgment, just a question.

I was kinda wondering this as well. Since her prior behavior has NOT been reported, what can SS do? What can the police do?

Granted, I'm sure there is a lot I don't know...so I hope this doesn't sound like a negative question. I'm just wondering too.

LOTS of prayers going to the family...to each member...that things will right themselves. That she'll come home with her little one. Home is a MUCH better, safer, and more loving option than her just up and running with a little one with little to no plans.

Hugs for you, Kim. I'm sure you're having to be not only the brains here, but also the support for your hubby. Be strong, you can do it.

I'm here too....if you want to talk.

Hugs, Love & Prayers,
Kelly

[Catty1]

I think her hospitalization can be reported, and info on her lifestyle that led her there (if the doctors know anything). And - reports about what she has done before from members of the family.

If questions are asked about why no one called, it's because she did have an appt booked with a psychiatrist this month - so there was hope.

I don't know legally what an employer can say - but if she has been through jobs fairly frequently, then that says something. And unless she can prove she had enough money to support her and Cam on their own - could her running off with him be construed to be some form of neglect?

I pray Cam is found unharmed.

[carole]

Oh my gosh you must be worried sick about them both, not knowing where they have gone,i hope this does turn out to be a blessing in disguise too, but i agree with others if nothing has been reported as such, i imagine nothing can be done,i sincerely hope things take a turn around for the better, you have had more than enough to go through, thinking of you.

http://i264.photobucket.com/albums/ii185/jewellnz/GJ-HugsPurrs01.gif

from us all down under.

[catnapper]

I think her hospitalization can be reported, and info on her lifestyle that led her there (if the doctors know anything). And - reports about what she has done before from members of the family.

If questions are asked about why no one called, it's because she did have an appt booked with a psychiatrist this month - so there was hope.

I don't know legally what an employer can say - but if she has been through jobs fairly frequently, then that says something. And unless she can prove she had enough money to support her and Cam on their own - could her running off with him be construed to be some form of neglect?

I pray Cam is found unharmed.
Much of what you say is pretty much what we're hoping will happen. With the exception of the psychiatrist.... she lied about that. Her appt was with a gyno for a pap smear. In and out and done. She had no intention of mentioning the whole depression thing. She really thinks there is no issue. So I called the gyno and had a long chat with her yesterday. I told her I know she can't say anything about her but that I could tell her what was happening. The doctor was VERY concerned and told me she would get a social worker involved.

This is all such a mess. We are certain she took Cam only to hurt hubby. He's devastated and said he would have tossed her out months ago if not for Cam. He doesn't want her back -- he only wants the baby. I'm thinking a week or two of having him full time and she'll be knocking on the door and dropping him off. She CAN NOT handle him herself. She's totally and completely incapable of caring for him herself.

[Catty1]

Hugs...are the cops involved?

I would guess that the social services people etc have seen a lot of this, and they may have ideas of where to look for her.

Has this hit the news at all? If it is heard on a police scanner, then it just might.

Be prepared to screen calls if you don't want to talk to the media. It CAN help, in that she might turn herself and Cam in - but it can get to be a bit crazy also.

Prayers your way.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Kim, I've been following this thread but I haven't posted anything until now. I hope that everthing will work out and I'll continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care. (((HUGS)))

[Rachel]

I'm thinking a week or two of having him full time and she'll be knocking on the door and dropping him off. She CAN NOT handle him herself. She's totally and completely incapable of caring for him herself.

Seems very plausible that might be exactly what happens only I doubt it will take a full week.

[lizbud]

Has this hit the news at all? If it is heard on a police scanner, then it just might.

Be prepared to screen calls if you don't want to talk to the media. It CAN help, in that she might turn herself and Cam in - but it can get to be a bit crazy also.




Catty1, this statement is a bit" over the top", don't you think? Young
women leaving the family home to strike out on their own is not a police
matter. Doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not.

[Scooter's Mom]

Catty1, this statement is a bit" over the top", don't you think? Young
women leaving the family home to strike out on their own is not a police
matter. Doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not.

It could become a police matter if they believe she would ever harm Cam in any fashion. Cam is a defenseless child and MUST come before all others, whether his "mother" is a legal adult trying to strike out on her own or not.

I am sending all my prayers that she returns Cam unharmed, and soon! Big hugs are being sent your way also.

Crystal

[kimlovescats]

dear kim, hugs for you, and prayers for cams' protection. does she have legal custody of cam? due to her legal problems, i seem to recall the other grandmother had legal custody: if so has an amber alert been filed? i am so sorry she has done this to him. joyce


You are getting Catnapper Kim's story confused with mine. Catnapper's step-daughter has never lost custody of Cam. They've just lived with Kim and Grant since he was born. My daughter is the one who has lost custody of my grandbaby who is temporarily living with her other grandmother. Too bad there are so many of these heartbreaking cases just right here on PT. :(

In addition, so far she has not done anything "illegal" for the police to be looking for her. The first question out of their mouths will be "does she have legal custody ... is she the child's mother? Both of which the answer is "yes". They will then ask if Kim / Grant have a reason to believe that the child is in harm to which they can tell what they know. After that, the cops will most likely get Child Protective Services to contact Kim and Grant and take a report. I don't know that they or the police would still take the initiative to actually try to locate them though unless there were clear signs of physical abuse and a filed police report of such.

I'm not trying to shatter your hopes of this being "the answer," Kim, just sharing what I have learned. The legal guardians / parents always have the rights in a situation like this. It is very hard to do much of anything. :(

I pray that you have better luck with this than we did. As you said, your daughter most probably won't really want to take care of Cam for long and will return him to you. My daughter ended up doing something negligent by leaving Jenna home alone while she was napping. :( Eventually your daughter will mess up too, I just pray it is not in a way that is harmful to little Cam.

[Catty1]

Originally Posted by lizbud
Catty1, this statement is a bit" over the top", don't you think? Young
women leaving the family home to strike out on their own is not a police
matter. Doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not.

That's up to the police, IMO.

Young women often have their families involved with a legitimate 'move out on their own.' They know they can support themselves, and have things in place.

This young women does not seem to have a history of thinking ahead. What if she has another collapse from her lifestyle and is back in hospital?

I suspect Cam will be returned to the grandparents, as it will get too much for her (catnapper has said as much). She never contributed any of her earnings to Cam's wellbeing. None.

I do not think 'striking out on her own' will suddenly change all that.

JMO

[joycenalex]

:o wow, i'm sorry i got got kimlovescats' and catnappers' hard times mixed up. , i'm going back to edit my post from yesterday. :o

[lizbud]

In addition, so far she has not done anything "illegal" for the police to be looking for her. The first question out of their mouths will be "does she have legal custody ... is she the child's mother? Both of which the answer is "yes". They will then ask if Kim / Grant have a reason to believe that the child is in harm to which they can tell what they know. After that, the cops will most likely get Child Protective Services to contact Kim and Grant and take a report. I don't know that they or the police would still take the initiative to actually try to locate them though unless there were clear signs of physical abuse and a filed police report of such.

. The legal guardians / parents always have the rights in a situation like this. It is very hard to do much of anything. :(




I agree. You've said it better than I.

[catnapper]

I haven't been able to respond lately but I have been reading the responses.

You have no idea how different this house feels. Its completely night and day. No stress. No tension. Its simply WONDERFUL. The crappy thing is we're missing Cameron in the worst way. And there's nothing we can legally do about it. All we can do is report her to child services and cross our fingers that she won't put a snow job on them. Ashley is a fantastic liar and manipulator. Her newest boyfriend has been spending every night on our sofa for the past two weeks because, as she claimed to hubby, "he has been fighting with his mom" Quite a few times over the past two weeks, she picked him up from a bar drunk. We have the feeling he's been camping out on our sofa not because of fighting with his mom, but because she told him she's being abused here. Nobody EVER laid a hand on her. SHE of course HAS hit US. Any bodily injury she might have received was in defense or to stop her from going off the deep end.

She left the house with 95% of her stuff.... and hardly anything for Cam. No bottles, no pacifier, barely any clothes. Not his favorite blankie, and no toys (with one or two exceptions). And most of all: no crib. WHERE is this boy sleeping? It all makes me think she had plans on sending him elsewhere while she begins a new life for herself. I feel she might have given him to his father. At least he's safer there. I don't trust the father but I do trust his grandmother, who lives there.

She took Cam simply to spite us. She doesn't want him. The more she tried to proove she can care for him herself the past few weeks, the more she confirmed she CAN'T. She is too interested in text messaging people that she ignores him... one night he was wandering around with a meat carving knife and she had no idea. She left him alone in the shower, with the shower running and a few inches of water. She leaves him wandering around the downstairs while she does laundry, gets dressed, goes to the bathroom, etc. She says "its only for a minute!" but she has no idea what trouble a toddler can get into unwatched for a mere 15 seconds. Total neglect in my eyes. We have been doing our best to keep him safe by being here to watch her watching him. Now she's gone and we can't do that --- he's no longer safe at all. :(

We still haven't heard anything from her. We still have no idea where she went. We'll just tell Child Services they can find her at work. We'll tell anyone looking for her to find her at work. They won't be too keen on that after a while since she doesn't have a direct line.

We will tell Child Services everything. I have photos of her that aren't too good for her (Hubby face when she hit him, her dancing on a nightclub bar, an email she sent random guys of her posing nude for them, and so on) They will get my journal, the photos and emails. They will have to do a psych evaluation of her.... hopefully she doesn't lie her way through it. She's been lying so long that she herself has no idea what the truth is any longer.

Please keep poor Cam in your prayers. Hubby and I don't need it but Cam sure does. We want him back, but his mom can stay far away. Hubby doesn't want her back at all. All this while, he's been tolerating her behavior because he knew as long as she stayed here, Cam was safe. He only had concern for Cam, but he was missing the big picture that t he stress and environment wasn't good for Cam either. Sigh.

[jenluckenbach]

Kim, Can you talk with Cam's real father and his mom and family and alert them to be on the lookout for Cam. You should be working TOGETHER! Let them know Cam is welcome back with You and Grant and that you are worried. You may not like Cam's dad, but at this point HE has to be better than "mom" is.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

That poor little boy........

[kimlovescats]

Kim, I swear we are living a double life sometimes! She is so much like my daughter it is scary! It is so typical for my daughter to buy for herself and not her own baby. She used to buy junk McDonald's and give Jenna a bit here or there and forget to feed Jenna. This was while they were LIVING HERE! I would ask her, "when has Jenna eatin'? Has she had her lunch?" Amy Beth would respond, "oh, no she hasn't eatin' since breakfast, I guess she COULD be hungry!" This was after I scolded her for fussing at Jenna's crying from hunger!!!! :mad: :(

It was the hardest thing ever to set her and Jenna up in an apartment, and now I see that it was a blessing in disguise when my daughter left her home alone. Jenna slept through the whole absence and it was enough to get the police and DCS over there and Jenna taken away from her! Jenna is growing, thriving, happy and healthy with her other grandmother! The only thing I hate about that situation is that her LOSER "father" is living at home with "mommy" too! I know things could be MUCH worse for our Jenna though, so I am grateful for this.

I'm thinking that the other grandmother and "father" might be the answer your Cam needs right now as well. If other grandma is up to and willing to step in, then TAKE it! You have done a wonderful thing for Cam and you guys deserve a break. I know that Jerry and I sure are enjoying ours, and it took a while to quit missing our Jenna. Now we rest assured knowing each night that she is safe in her own bed with her Granny D and we can get her over for visits anytime we ask!

HUGS, Kim

[krazyaboutkatz]

Yes I agree with Jen in that Cam's real fathers family should be alerted about this. Maybe they know where Ashley and Cam are. I sure hope that you'll be able to find where Cam is soon and that he's safe. Lots more prayers and positive thoughts are going out to you.

[pitc9]

Sending {{{HUGS}}} and prayers to you, hoping that your daughter sees the light and does what's right for herself (get help) and Cam (get him to a home that is safe for him)

[jennielynn1970]

Oh my good lord, I'm just catching up with this now. :( Has there been any news about Ashley and Cam??

[NoahsMommy]

Just checking for an update. Keeping your family in my prayers.

Hugs, Kelly