This just SUCKS!

[anna_66]

Well, do you remember me telling you about my great niece Ashley staying with us? She was going to be going to school and living with us....that's a big "WAS".
Things were going along so well, just great in fact, you couldn't ask for a better kid! Well, we went to enroll her in school, but guess what....we had to have legal custody of her, which we didn't know. Her mom had just gotten a paper (which she thought would work) notarize saying we were allowed to enroll her in school, take her to the hospital, etc... Of couse, we had no idea that wasn't going to work. Well, the school explained that it is to protect the children (which I do understand). So, anyway to make a very long story short, her dad would have to sign the custody papers and he already made it know to Ashley that he didn't like the fact she didn't come to live with him. He has never wanted to be a part of her life before (but I guess he wouldn't have to pay child support anymore if she lived with him), but now all of a sudden he does? But anyway, it would cost alot of $$$ to go to court and fight him, and after her getting in all the trouble she did, the lawyer said he could countersue & try to get full custody of her! Isn't that just stupid?
So anyway....we took her home this past weekend. It is just breaking my heart. And the worst thing is the letter she wrote me. She left it laying in her bedroom for me to find when I came home.
Let me just give you a couple of exerpts from it, the one's that touched me the most:
"You have always been like a 2nd mom to me, I love you and I was really looking forward to staying & having a normal family life. It was perfect-like we were actually a family. If I could pick a whole new family, I'd pick you for a mom & Mark for a dad."
"If you guys ever did have kids I'd be jealous. They would have (from my point of view)the best family God could give."
"You guys are like the family I've always wanted but never had."
"Mark has basically been the only steady man figure in my live that showed me he loved me. He has pretty much been my father figure."
There is more but you get it....she was so happy to be here, and we were happy she was here. Now.......well now I feel lost, as I'm sure she does. I'm glad she loved us that much, but it also makes me sad to know she does and had to leave.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I just had to get it out. Thanks for listening.
Anna
Me, Mark & our girl Ashley (don't laugh, we had been traveling for 13 hours!):

http://www.imagestation.com/picture/sraid28/p1150b8cda651a0e83fefa6ac4767c31d/fd68c4ff.jpg

[jackiesdaisy1935]

Anna, I'm really sorry that Ashley cannot stay with you. I don't understand the system, when a girl is doing so well and she is happy and considers herself to have a loving family why they would decide to take her away. It looks like she is old enough to decide for herself where she wants to live. Why does everything come down to money, if you have enough of it you can just about do anything, if not, you are at the mercy of the court. It sounds like it is just a matter of money with her Dad, what a shame and then they wonder why kids run off.
I'm so sorry, I can see how much better off she would be with you. Another injustice.
Jackie, Miss Daisy and Perry

[Sudilar]

My heart is just breaking for you three. Life is so unfair. I'm so sorry.

[DoggiesAreTheBest]

Anna, that is suck sad news! I know how much Ashley had gotten attached to you and you guys to her.

Where is she now? Is she at home with her Mom? How old is she?

My uncle went through a custody battle with his ex wife and she always won. Until Alison was 15 and the court let her decide! I wonder if that could work with Ashley. What I don't understand is why he father is such a jerk and won't let her go where she is the happiest. It sounds like you and Mark are able to provide a better home for her and that your husband has been the male figure that he she needed and her father was unable to provide! He would still be paying child support if she lived with her mom?

Do they have joint custody?

[lynnestankard]

Ooh anna how sad for you! the house must seem so empty. my heart goes out to you. i realise that sometimes the system sucks - but the fact you can't do a thing about it doesn't help you feel any better.

{{{{hugs}}}} to you and mark.

you will be able to keep in touch with ashley won't you? i hope so.

lynne

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

That is terrible news! It is terrible for Ashley too! I know it is HARD for a teenager to stay out of trouble when they are thrown right back in with their old peers. I hope the father will come around and realize what is best for his daughter and not HIM! I know you are sad .... {{{ hugs for you and your family}}}

[K9karen]

No wonder why good kids go bad! :( :(
Who makes these stupid laws?? :mad:
Had a similar situation, but umpty-ump years later, things luckily turned out. no thanks to the courts :mad: :mad:

Poor Ashley, poor you, Everyone suffers. I am so very sorry


:( :(

{hugs}

[NoahsMommy]

Oh my gosh!!! This totally breaks my heart, I can only imagine how you all feel. That poor girl, poor you! I am so so sorry...as a child of the court system growing up...I can empathize with her.

Someone brought up a good point...how old is she again? She should have the right to choose. When my mom and dad went to court, my mom couldn't afford a lawyer...so she was appointed one. I don't know if that could help. Also...her testimony in court may even sway the judge to allow you custody as far as school goes. I know it isn't hard to get, I was almost responsible for my casa (I advocate for an abused child) child's school because her parents were....well...incompetent. It was offered to me without a judge.

Gosh, I truely am so sorry. I hope things will turn up for her. She sounds like she really, really needs you. I think it is amazing that she can step away and be able to realize that. Kids are amazing.

Please keep us updated.

[mugsy]

Anna,

I know it's been a LONG time ago, but when my nephews were younger ( A LOT) younger, they came to live with my parents and they went to school here in Indiana just fine with a letter from their parents giving my parents legal rights to sign for them. I would check the laws in Michigan before I gave up. I would also go higher up than just the local school...how about the superintendent? We have kids living with aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc at our school and there isn't a problem.

I agree this sucks big time!! Please let me know if you need some help...I'd be happy to do so if I can.

[Former User]

Oh Anna, this is heartbreaking! And SO unfair! Why is it so wrong for a good gril to have a good home? From what she wrote I can see that she's very mature and can definately make her own desicions... I wish they would let her stay with you guys, obviously she was extremely happy with you guys.
I'm so sorry this happened!

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

Oh no, I'm so sorry things worked out this way. I was wondering how everything was going. Is it possible she could be enrolled in some other school? With the voucher system and all that around these days, it seems that schools are much more lenient. As an example where my mom lives there are two small cities, each with one high school. The kids in each city of the option of going to whichever high school they choose, it doesn't have to be the one in their city. I find this amazing, but that's the way it is these days. There has to be something that can be done. Even if she has gotten in trouble before, if the judge sees that she is in good capable hands - and possibly has a chance to read that letter that she left for you, he would realize that back home she might get right back into it, but with you she could really have a new start.

It's really difficult when parents use their children as pawns for their own gain, and really sad, but if I were you I wouldn't give up yet. There *has* to be another option out there that would allow her to come back, even if she starts school at home and transfers during the year.

And if her father has that kind of an attitude, it shouldn't surprise him that she didn't chose to come live with him. What a jerk. :(

[G.P.girl]

I'M SO SO SORRY!that sucks sooo much... it's so sad...:( :( :( :(

[Rachel]

Originally posted by Sara luvs her Tinky
I hope the father will come around and realize what is best for his daughter and not HIM!

Maybe this man will have a change of heart and reconsider. Tell Ashley not to give up. Perhaps a heartfelt letter from her to him telling him how staying with you has given her an opportunity to start over and a chance to make some changes for the better and she would be so grateful if she could continue living with you and Mark and going to this new school.

If the situation comes up where her mother goes back to court about custody, do look into whether there is a CASA organization in that jurisdiction and having a CASA volunteer appointed for her.

[Cincy'sMom]

This is one of those times common sense and the best interest of the child should come before laws. I know they are supposed to protect the child, but sometimes it just hurts them more. I'm sorry Ashley can;t stay with you. Hopefully the time spent with you and Mark and knowing you are a phone call away for her will make things a little easier at home. Hopefully she can come back during school breaks and summer vacations.

[AmberLee]

:eek: :(
I'm so sorry that this is the outcome for now. Perhaps some of the suggestions here will work for you? I'll hold you all in my prayers in the hopes this can still work out for you.

:(

[moosmom]

Anna,

Isn't there some way that Ashley can go to court and tell the judge what she wants??? She's older and can make up her own mind. Oh, is it possible for her to be declared an emancipated minor, meaning she's old enough to live on her own (so to speak), then come and stay with you?

There's got to be something that can be done. Afterall, it is what is in the best interest of the child here. Not what is good for one parent or the other. And it seems to me that Ashley really loves you guys. How about sending a copy of the letter to the judge??

I wish you lots of luck and hope that some kind of compromise can be worked out. Afterall, it's what Ashley wants.

[krazyaboutkatz]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. :( I sure hope that everything will work out. Sometimes our judicial system really sucks. :mad: I'll be praying for a pleasant outcome for you.

[shais_mom]

This is awful for you. I am so sorry to hear about this. I know how happy she looked when you first posted pics of Huney. What about if you guys became her legal foster parents? I will keep you guys in my thoughts hoping this works out.
Is her mom you or Mark's sister or dad you or Mark's brother?
Take Care and God Bless.

[Kfamr]

Anna, Mark and Ashley,

If only you could see the tears in my eyes as i'm crying right now for you... I have no idea why i'm crying but as i read your story i started to. I'm so sorry things didn't work out how you wanted and planned them to.:( :(

[anna_66]

Thank you everyone for all your concern. This is just ripping away at me.
She called last night, and because of the trouble she got into before she left, now she has to go to an alternative school (that's why she was coming to live with us). She said it is absolutly the worst place she has ever had to be. All the people she knew were calling her names, saying she was ugly and all kinds of stuff. Her mom said she came home and went straight to bed. I can't believe how cruel kids can be, but I guess it's not just the kids, guess the teachers were just as bad, they were calling students names! Can you believe that? And of course, there's nothing they can do about it. If they even do so much as roll their eyes at a teacher, they can get into big trouble, have to do community service for 2 hours, excercises for 2 hours and something else I can't remember, isn't that crazy?
She has to be at her bus stop at 6:30 in the morning, after a 20 minute walk, and don't get home until 4:30!
We talked about her mom coming and enrolling her in school, but the school said the parents have to live in the same district. I don't know. Mugsy, I did tell her mom about talking to someone higher in the school, who knows maybe it will help. If not, I say we just tell her dad that we need to have custody of her to enroll her in school and that he will not have to pay child support any more (I think we could live without the $160 a month!). Because she don't want to do the emancipation thing (don't want the rest of her dad's family to be mad at her-I guess I can understand that).
Well, this is getting long again, I'm sorry. Thanks again for all your support..............one way or another she's coming back!

[Piglet]

Hi Anna, what a horrible situation for a young girl to be in!!:(
Ashley looks so happy in the picture with you and Mark, I really hope the three of you can be a family again very soon, seems like that's in the best interest of everyone involved. Good luck:) .

[Ann]

Oh boy... That really blows. I didn't know the USA was that stingy with laws. And to force a kid to go to one of those schools... I mean, I've never experienced something like that in real life but I've seen documentaries about schools for the "misfit" kids in the USA before and it ain't a pretty sight... That's really bad, I can't belive that... Like everyone has been saying before me, is there any way she can talk to some judge person and tell the judge she wants to stay with you guys? I know in Sweden if two parents are fighting over a kid the child always gets their say if it gets taken to a court, no matter how old the child is, but I see that that's not the case over there sadly...

Oh boy, I really feel so sorry for you :( I hope you can work it out somehow, for everyone's sake. I feel so sorry for her having to go to such a school, getting teased and so on... This is truly awful :(

Good luck *hugs*

[Dixieland Dancer]

Anna, I can only imagine how devastating this is for Ashley. I will pray that she will be back with you in no time and that things will work out for her. ;)

I can only imagine the pain she is feeling having to deal with this situation. Finding a family you love and then being torn away from it only to go to a school where people call you horrible names and abuse you? It really does SUCK! :mad:

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

Originally posted by anna_66
Thanks again for all your support..............one way or another she's coming back!

I'm glad to hear that, Anna. Sounds like a lot of people have given up on her, and I know it means so much to her to know that you haven't given up - and won't.

You might want to check with another lawyer too. Sounds like the one she has isn't too interested in working for her. I believe that most lawyers will do a first consultation free to see if they think they can help.

Please keep us updated. I'm sure things will work out if she can just keep her chin up in the meantime.

[Aspen and Misty]

Anna I am so sorry to hear this! I hope she does coem abck and what were those kids thinking she is so pretty! Calling her ugly! I will show them ugly! O I mean Anna I sure do hope you get her back, what am I saying I know you will get her back! I think the school district was doign that to make sure you didn't kidnap her or something. I dunno! But something needs to be done about this!

Ash

[AmberLee]

Good luck getting her back. Will hold you all in my prayers!

"Fingers and paws crossed" real tight for you here.

[mugsy]

That's some alternative school!! Wow...at our ALP, the kids go to counseling for the afternoon and have class in the morning. I know how it used to work here since I taught there for 2 semesters in 2 different school years. We got all the gang bangers (of which I had 2 girls in rival gangs that no one bothered to tell me about and I had sitting together...made for an interesting fight one afternoon!) and the pregnant 8th graders...which I found disgusting that they would send them there with the trouble makers just because they were pregnant and then we also had a couple of 8th grade honor students down there because they gave a friend an aspirin at school...now THAT is the epitome of stupidity. I never had kids in trouble for rolling their eyes...that was the least of our problems...generally we wrote them up for getting in our faces and screaming obsenities at us. I can see community service...we have now implemented that also, but lets not get obnoxious about it...sheesh.

Good luck with the whole mess. Unfortunately, the biggest loser in all of this is Ashley...kids should NOT have to go through this just because one parent's ego being bruised a little.

Let me know if I can help at all...I'd be willing to do what I can.

[NoahsMommy]

Originally posted by mugsy
Good luck with the whole mess. Unfortunately, the biggest loser in all of this is Ashley...kids should NOT have to go through this just because one parent's ego being bruised a little.

Amen to that!!! I swear, after writing my paper on Children of Divorce...I was ready to take all the poor children away and raise them all myself!!! (I'm sure hubby would enjoy THAT! :) )

Anna, I think you are an awesome person to be doing so much for Ashley, she really needs you. I am so happy you are helping her. God Bless!!

[kohala]

I was raised by divorced parents in the '50's - and advised a lot of peers to not put their kids in the middle in the '70's when they got divorced, and continue to do so. I was "lucky" in that my parents didn't fight using me (too much - they did a lot of subtle things, and some decisions I now realize were made that did me no good, but appeased other family members).
Which, although I never had my own children, is why I always considered myself pretty knowledgeable on this subject.
For all the supposed good intentions, it is rarely the child's interests that are foremost in too many cases. And family other than the parents themselves all too often turn their own agendas into a battle that precludes completely what is best for the child. I am so sorry to see Ashley caught in this mess. All to often the child has guilt trips laid on them, and it sounds like Ashley is no exception. In another thread (I'll look for it - I think it was the one NoahsMom did re: children of divorce) some really great websites were given for the kids, themselves. Maybe you can find that post, and Ashley and you concerned ones can get some help there with the issues that are keeping her from requesting emancipation?
I wish all of you, especially Ashley, all the very best - she's a gorgeous young lady - who are the idiots laying that on her? (the ugly thing?) Sheesh - like she doesn't have enough on her young head.

[Nomilynn]

When my parents moved to the states and I wanted to stay in school in Canada, they had to go through a lot of crap too. I lived with friends, and they had to get legal guardianship, so they had to get a letter notarized (my paretns are together and they both signed it so I guess that's why it worked for me). I also had to give the school ALL kinds of crazy ID.. my birth certificate, my drivers liscense, heath card, etc etc..

Anyway I ended up hating living with my friend because her mom was really awful to me - made me do her laundry and dishes, woulnd't let me stay out after 11:30pm on weekends; 5:30pm on school nights (I had a 3.98 GPA when I CAME to her house, and she said I was irresponsible.. b**ch :mad: ). So I left. Instead of telling the truth the about my situation the next time, I just went to the school and changed my address (to an office that was in the catchment - it wasnt even a real residence but I could bring in a hydro bill with the owners name on it so that made it legit.. I can't explain it :rolleyes: :p ) and simply changed the name on my forms from my friends mom to my family friends that I was staying with. I guess what I am getting at is maybe you will have to "cheat the system" a little bit. I guess a concern is that her dad would spoil that for her, but to make a long story short, when we did it right we got screwed around. When we cheated a bit it was easy and painless :( I'm sorry it isn't working out for your niece.. I don't understand why her best interests aren't the primary concern of her Dad and new school :(

[AmberLee]

Kohala!! You got your 'real' login name back! So glad to see that!

[anna_66]

Well, I guess the saga ends.
It seems Ashley will be staying in North Carolina. She says things in school are a little better, she just had to stand up for herself and tell everyone the way it was going to be. "You go girl!"
I talked to her this morning and she seemed a little happier than when I talked to her Tuesday. She said she was so glad to have spent the summer with us and she would like to come & spend next summer with us too. WOW! That girls makes me so happy. I just hope things will continue to go better for her down there.
We are and will continue to miss her, but they will be coming up for christmas and I'll get to see her a little then. But she promises to keep in touch in the mean time. Who knows, maybe all she needed was a little direction and to know there are people who love her and will stand behind her no matter what. Thanks again and again for all your support in all this. Guess it's just me, Mark and the dogs again (not that it's bad or anything ;) ). Everyone have a nice weekend!

Anna

[krazyaboutkatz]

I'm sorry to hear that she won't be able to stay with you. I sure hope that things go well for her at her school in North Carolina. At least she knows that she can count on you and your husband for love and support if she needs to. Thanks for posting the update. :)

[mugsy]

Well, I'm sorry she's not coming back to live with you, but at least you get to see her on vacations. I hope everything works out for her. Please keep us updated.

[Cincy'sMom]

I'm glad Ashley is doing better. As we often say at work, only 8 paydays til Christmas! (that's getting payed twice a month...makes it sounds really close doesn't it!)

[anna_66]

Ya! Good way to look at it, Thanks!!!

[DoggiesAreTheBest]

I am glad that Ashley seems to be doing better. I am certain that her stay with you and Mark helped her a whole lot. From the sounds of it, Ashley is just as fond of you as you are of her.

[Ann]

Sorry to hear she can't come back to stay with you, but I'm glad things are going better for her! I hope that she can live with you again next summer or whenever :)

[Dixieland Dancer]

Anna, Sorry it has worked out this way. I think she was better off with you and Mark and the puppers! Anyway, perhaps you can write her weekly letters and let her know you are still there for her. Then if things get rough again she will have your love and support to fall back on if necessary. ;)