Well, I gotta put this somewhere...gentle vent?

[Catty1]

I thought of the Prayer thread. And then General. Then here. So it's here.

As Christmas was coming up, I was sad. It reminds me of a symptom of depression; it feels almost like physical pain in the diaphragm.

This will be disjointed, I was thinking if I just wrote it down, it's out of my head and answers will come. From some PTrs, some from life.

I arrived in the province of Alberta in 1999 from Ontario. I had been in ON for 12 years, the longest I had been anywhere. I had some real roots, and had lived up in what's called Blue Mountain country (hate the pottery). Hills, and artistic community galore - a recording studio where I did some pre-CD work, and arranging work on a classically-oriented recording by another artist.

I was broke, and unwell. My mom and sister had just moved from BC to Alberta. I went for a visit in early 99, and though my mom honestly doesn't remember saying this, she asked me to consider moving there, saying, "I have a hell of a life here."

Dad had died in 1996; my sister was now full-time in a wheelchair after having had MS for 10 years. She lived with my mom, quite independently, in a separate part of the half-duplex.

Back in Ontario, I had a cash job as receptionist at a gold resource office on Bay St. (I am not making that up - it was a hoot!). I finally decided that if I didn't go, I would regret it - I used the 'deathbed' decision, which I use for tough choices. I imagine myself looking back on my life and seeing myself having done all the options - and that shows me the right thing to do.

After Dad died, I had this fear that Mom and sister and I would wind up being a bunch of old maids living together. Sounds horrible - but I was mentally ill at the time, and it was untreated. During my first year in Alberta - where I stayed in the finished basement, beautiful bedroom and living area and 4 pce bath - I went into rages and sobs. I truly felt like the gut had been ripped out of me when I left Ontario, the only place I had ever had a touchstone - and behaved poorly in Alberta.

I did enjoy being my sister's champion, as mom would not even allow her to pour cream into her own coffee! And when my sister wanted to rent and try a walker, Mom was really iffy, and my attitude was, "Let her try." She worked really hard with it for a couple of weeks, and realized on her own that it wouldn't work for her.

Okay, part 2 next post

[Catty1]

Ok, December 2007. My sister died April 2006, having been in long-term care for 4 years. Mom had her cats, one of whom got cancer and after major expensive surgery (before we knew it was cancer), was euthanized on my birthday. (that's just how it worked out).

I have rarely dated, playing music is nothing to me any more. Mom, although hale and healthy and energetic, would really like her and I to have a side-by-side to live in - separate dwellings. Maybe in the next year.

I have long lost sight of anything I really want. To make things better for pets in the area, and am working on that. But though I was technically 'free' after my sister died, there was nowhere I wanted to go.

Hysterectomy this year. This fall, the dwindling end of a job that had been abusive and horrid...another job falling into my lap, which is in someone else's home office. I pick up family vibes in home offices too easily.

Anyway, guys - I was stupid with money, when I started earning MORE at this second job, I got to actually get some new clothes (outlet store!). I got rid of some ugly wall units...and just wanted, for once, to get bookcases just a BIT nicer than plain particle board/thrift store style.

So...credit card is up there a bit. I just crunched the front of my car the other day. I can get it fixed without insurance (can't afford that option), but will still be up to $1,000. I WISH my previous job would pay me the $2,000+ they owe me...they now have been turned into an investment group on the way to becoming another company.

Today is a day without deadlines of any kind, even chiro appointments. I need more of those. Yesterday I was supposed to go play a set at a homeless shelter in Calgary, and I wound up having a meltdown at home with a bad nosebleed and had to cancel out. Calmed down and went to mom's - she has been really good, and assured me I was NOT going crazy again, that I just had a lot on my plate. (PS I got treatment for one, then two conditions after coming to Calgary, and am glad of that).

I just don't know where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do. Not fit, no niche. What kind of job - I have done all the tests in workshops and stuff - my area is Communicator and writing, but don't know what job I would be happy with.

Is it possible to find a job and be happy with it? To have a sense of purpose?

I had read and heard that a good thing is to pray for others what you wish for yourself. I did that in the prayer thread...hey, it happened for someone there! :)

I like to help...maybe I need a few year off that to recharge, 30 years, say...

And maybe a boyfriend, if I can get out of this social panic/staying housebound where possible. There are good guys out there, aren't there?

Okay, time to click Submit. I don't know if this will do any good - but THANK YOU for reading. Maybe my recently whacked out thyroid is up again...oh well, I see the specialist in February...

Thanks again for following the zany map here...verbal pinball machine I can be...

ETA: I didn't fall into any spirit of Christmas this year, which seems to mean speeding up and smiling and hitting the Auto switch. I got cards from my sponsees, and I am glad for my mom being alive and having my cats.

It just seems some days I automatically think about when I DON'T have my mom or my cats any more...I hate that happening (the thoughts).

Have been doing a journal to God every morning, and started on the Flylady course, to try and get organized. It's hell getting to bed early enough since the surgery too.

I'll shut up now...

[cassiesmom]

(((HUGS))) and prayers

[Karen]

Now, now, dear, things will get better. And there are good jobs, and there are good guys out there ... you'll find them when you aren't looking - that's usually how it happens!

[lvpets2002]

:) Candace Bigg Huggss & More Bigg Huggss.. Hey you could always move down here to Texas = due to the sudden often Weather Changes for sure keeps your mind busy on what to wear each day.. :D {just a wittle hummor} Hey I got your picture Christmas Card Today & it was BreathTaken.. Just Loved It.. Many Thanks For Being Just You.. We would not want you to be any other way.. ;)

[Catty1]

But Helene....I would be at least partially covered in kitty cats every day if I were in Texas and visited you! That would be just....GREAT! :D

But thank you and thanks to those that have responded.

I just have to ride it out. It's just that the saddle sores make it hard to do.

thanks.

[lvpets2002]

But Helene....I would be at least partially covered in kitty cats every day if I were in Texas and visited you! That would be just....GREAT! :D

But thank you and thanks to those that have responded.

I just have to ride it out. It's just that the saddle sores make it hard to do.

thanks.

:) I know Candace start ridding bareback.. See we could put together enough kitty furr & make a blanket.. Then there would be no more saddle sores.. For real we all just have to take one day at a time & slowly/smoothly sort out all of those soure Choes.. Then We Can See, Meet & Are Able to Discover Our Chalenges Much Better.. Hope this Helped..

[jennielynn1970]

Oh Candace, I just want to give you a big hug... you so need it! You've been nothing but supportive of everyone on here.

I have a book for you to read, and maybe it will help with employment choices and other resources... I'll PM you for your address. I just got another copy of it for my nephew, who left the Navy on less than wonderful conditions... It was one that was suggested to me about 13 years ago, although it's updated now, but I really found it helpful, not just about jobs/careers, but also looking inside myself.

PA is not where I want to be ultimately, but it's where my my and dad are, and while my father's health literally hangs in the balance most months, I'm here because of them. I've wanted to be on the west coast for ages, but for now, the east coast is where I have to be, so I try to make the best of it. I'm not a fan of living in one place for too long... I love moving and I love change and diversity... but then again, with my depression, change and moving to places and people I don't know is hard. I think that's one reason why I changed jobs every few years when I was younger. I got bored and restless and just needed to do something different. I've been doing the same job, technically, in the same district for 10 years now. I'm feeling very boxed in, and there's not much I can do. It pays well, thank god, and has great benefits and health insurance packages. Other than that and working with the kids, which I love, I'm not sure I'd still be there.

While medication and therapy are great for depression, there are always those ups and downs, not matter how good the drugs are, lol. I've been in a down place lately, but I'm hoping I can pull myself out of it. Don't really want to try more meds, but the doctor suggested it, so maybe I will. Just hate having to depend on drugs to feel better.

Done with my rambling... lol. I'll be thinking about you... and again, sending you that book. I think you really need to take some time and decide what you want to do, where you want to really be, and is where you are living right now, and the prospect of living next door to mom, what you really want?? (Me... I'd run screaming the opposite way) I know you don't want to look back on life with regrets, but you don't want to have to live feeling like you could have done something else, or been happier somewhere else, but were living your life for others and were unhappy because of it. We all deserve better than that.

[joycenalex]

catty-are you getting enough sunlight? for many people seasonal affective disorder(SAD) is a huge problem (i've got a mild case myself, so i know of what i speak here) hugs to you

[lizbud]

I commend you for venting feelings to stop them from rattling around
in your head. That's a positive thing.What about starting the new year right by getting a complete checkup with your Doctor. Do you have a councilor
that you trust talking to?

I think yearly checks on the path of your life is a great thing to do. New
Year's resolutions and all. Best of luck finding what you are looking for.

[phesina]

Dear Candace,

I too can relate so well to what you are saying. That's me too, sigh.. "I just don't know where I am supposed to go, what I am supposed to do. Not fit, no niche. What kind of job.." ..63 years old, and I'm still figuring out what I want to do when I grow up! (At least I've learned I want to do whatever I can to help cats.).. etc., etc., ..

Thank you for sharing as much of your story as you did. I also realize how very little I actually know about you (though I have picked up a hint here and there of a varied and fascinating history). Just from what I do know from PT, I like and respect and admire you immensely. I know you are both very bright and very kind, rare enough qualities to find singly let alone together in people by and large.

You are the one who constantly comes up with perceptive comments and valuable suggestions and kind/wise/tactful words when others are confused or hurting or angry. As far as I'm concerned, you are welcome to vent all you want, what with all you give of yourself to animals and to everyone else facing hard or sad times.

I hope I can encourage you a little. All I can suggest at the moment is take it easy as much as you can. Answers to all the big questions are not required immediately, are they? You're not being graded on your choices? Do what you need to do when you need to do it, and otherwise be as gentle and kind to yourself as you can.

Sit tight for now and enjoy your kitties and having your mom nearby. Write in your journal, and .. you started the Flylady course? Hey, just LAST WEEK someone tipped me off about Flylady.com, I took a look, and she sounds like JUST what I need!.. if I can find the time.. Sigh, one of these days I must get organized.. etc., etc., .. Please tell me how you are finding that.

Don't be hard on yourself. You have already recognized one thing you really want to do, "To make things better for pets in the area, and am working on that." You really are doing wonderful things for pets in your area and in many other areas too. For instance, your work on behalf of developing more pet-friendly rental housing and getting such tenants and landlords together is an impressive and badly-needed effort of which you should be very proud.

And if you want another change after Texas, you (and Oscar and Cole too) are also welcome to come visit me and my four kitties in our 2-room apartment in Ann Arbor.. For that matter, bring Helene and the Furr Purr Clan along too! (Elmer is already so excited and can't wait for Taccoa to arrive!)

May I echo Helene's words: Many Thanks For Being Just You.. We would not want you to be any other way.

Love and {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} and ~~~~~~PURRS~~~~~~ to you.

Pat, Peony, Sydney, Poppy, Elmer, and Priscilla Angel and the other angels

[Catty1]

Originally posted by phesina:
And if you want another change after Texas, you (and Oscar and Cole too) are also welcome to come visit me and my four kitties in our 2-room apartment in Ann Arbor.. For that matter, bring Helene and the Furr Purr Clan along too! (Elmer is already so excited and can't wait for Taccoa to arrive!)

A Road Trip - with only two kitties! :D

I was just telling Jenn by PM that I had a really productive afternoon. This morning I told myself that I could spend all day in my jammies if I wanted to. I didn't, of course, but just used my own timeline entirely!

I did my one FlyLady task for Day 2. And that set off a flow of productivity - laundry, and more IRONING than I've done in the past year.

It's early...but I get easily overwhelmed and my mind "locks"; I honestly can't decide what to do first. Doing one simple task a day seems to jump-start me and unlock all the energy that's running around inside me like squirrels on a treadmill!

Yes, taking it easy. DEFINITE.

joycenalex - the SADD has entered my mind; I know the lights are available but are expensive. Med-wise, the treatment is the same as for clinical depression - an SSRI.

lizbud - Counselling...I'd like to get referred to someone by my GP where I don't have to pay...the waiting lists are horrid. I will keep my eyes open for workshops or other things along that line.
And - the thyroid thing, I think getting that cleared up will help a lot.

Checkup - mine last fall led to my hysterectomy this spring (in May). I think there are some aftereffects of that, I know the thyroid can be one. May look at some more blood work in January, and adjusting one of my meds.

Thank you all SO much... ;)

[jennielynn1970]

RE: Light Boxes for SADD.... my psychiatrist wrote a script for it, and we checked with my insurance company (as it is considered durable medical equipment, not a prescription...) and it was covered 100%. I'm going to start using mine 2xs a day once they fix the leg on it so that it stands up the way it should. Came to me broken in that respect... so they need to fix it.

See what your insurance will cover. It's worth a try! Get the doctor's office to write down the diagnosis of SADD and also the Procedure code that they would need to use to identify it with as well. My insurance kept trying to say it was for psoraisis, and I finally got through to them with the correct codes.

WHAT is this FLYLADY stuff??? I said it sounded like a hip hop woman's thing, or a fisherman's wife's duties, but you never responded, lol.

[moosmom]

Candace,

Everything you've said hit very close to home. That's why I am not fond of holidays. It reminds me of how much of my family isn't here anymore and how much I miss them.

What YOU'VE described would certainly cause a meltdown.

Call me anytime, Candace and I'll call ya back so we can talk.

((((((HUGS)))))

Donna

[Catty1]

Jenn...I don't think I have EVER worked for a company that has insurance for its workers. They've all been small - and I was self-employed for over 20 years (musician).

But I have the provincial plan, and pay extra for Blue Cross (thru the provincial plan) to cover my meds; my co-pay is 30% or $25 max, which is good!

I'll see if they might cover the SADD boxes. Thanks!

Moosmom - I relate. I have referred to my 'incredible shrinking family' over the past few years.

I would LOVE to hear how your Christmas was at Dr Goodnow's mom's place! That would cheer me a lot. Email is good, or if it's fit to post on PT :D that would be great too!

Thanks, folks...

[catnapper]

Oh Candace, you need a huge hug and I'm sending you lots of prayers. I know depression and how it makes you feel. I myself have finally found a job where I feel I completely fit in. I never had that before. I am making next to nothing but I love it so I'll keep hope of making bonuses and maybe a raise in February ;)

Trust me, I found my job by sending my resume to some place I NEVER thought I would want to work.... in fact I met hubby who is as close to "perfect for me" as can be by stepping out of what I considered to be my type. Try sending resumes to jobs you never thought of enjoying. I thought my job would be "beneath me" but its the best job EVER. I thought my hubby was rough around the edges but he's the best guy ever (please remind me of that when I'm mad at him ;)) You never know what God has in store for you unless you try to step outside yourself and give something strange a try.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

playing music is nothing to me any more

Seems a shame to deprive the world of such a beautiful voice.........I still play your CD :D

I would like to add my prayers and best wishes too

[DJFyrewolf36]

I can totally feel what you're going through. I struggled with severe depression when I was younger (and still do from time to time). I've found that the more I got into music though, the more stable I felt. The location thing was a real bug for me...especially after losing Nina. I felt like I had nothing left except to leave the only place I had ever lived. Leaving was a good thing though, my brain is getting more centered although Ill admit it isn't easy lol. I still feel homesick and that I have a feeling will be a bit of a sore spot for a while.
The real thing is finding your center...finding what does make you happy. Thinking about even the smallest things that are good about each day is what gets me through times when I think I'm completely insane.

I don't know if much of my rambling makes sense (as I haven't gone to sleep yet...yay new years :D ) but if you need someone to chat with don't hesitate to IM me or send a PM. I'm here for you *HUGS!*